Sunday, October 31, 2010

Mixtape Club: Song Of The Day!

Billy Nicholls. "London Social Degree". From 1968 but so fresh it could have come out in 1995.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

Mixtape Club: Song Of The Day!

And it's an Icelandic Kate Bush cover. Eivor. `Hounds of Love'

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Mixtape Club: Song Of The Day!

Mint Royale. `Don't Falter'. Never not happy to hear this.

Monday, October 25, 2010

TV Club: I Love It!

There's a lot going on here. Who knows what's going on at

JB: LIndsay Lohan's already got enough irrational reasons to hate Emma Stone.Now she has to spend Saturday night in rehab watching someone with similar hair, features and gravelly voice impersonating her. I had my own irrational reasons to hate the collegiate comedy writer guy on Weekend Update but his I Love It killed. Hader breaking during Stefon was beyond endearing. The fake Ke$ha Grape Jelly short is actually better than the real Ke$ha's new song. And all her old ones. And I know the song they played during the French teen sketch. It's this:
CC: Emma Stone, great, not that they gave her the range-iest stuff, but whatever. Most of the rest of the show, not so much. I think those two last things were my fave. And of course Stefon, which at this point I am confused as to whether Bill Hader is just like "fuck it" and just lets himself crack up as part of the thing, since we know it's gonna happen anyway. I also liked the dancing part of that French sketch because, you know, dancing. It vaguely reminded me of that classic Gilda Radner/Steve Martin "Dancing in the Dark" thing where they just sort of danced/flailed all over the studio. Yeah, that's right, I just referenced a classic. From the 70s. Go me.

JB: As much TV as I watch, there's still times I feel like I've never seen any TV at all. I was like Whaaat when Devon Sawa fessed up to killing Nikita's goofy web designer. Didn't see it coming. I have, however, seen enough to know that the gun Lil' Nikki shot fake terrorist with was full of blanks.
CC: HA! They totally did a "That WAS the test"! Hell, they even did a "That TEST was the TEST"! They doubled it up! Ridiculous. Hilarious. I totally thought Devon Sawa was gonna kill himself with morphine, by the way, so call me stupid there (I swear, for as much as this show is ridonk, it manages to pretty much fool me with a plot twist every week). By the way, I don't believe for a second that Nikita fell in love with Web Design McGee. Come on. I mean, on the one hand, sure, maybe she WOULD go for that boring guy cuz her life's so badass and exciting, but on the other hand, really? REALLY? Whatever. Loved the fact that towards the end of the show when she had to go get Alex, she fully changed from ridiculously tight pants into ridiculously tighter pants. THAT was the outfit change. Thus is life when you're Nikita.

Vampire Diaries
JB: Elena and Stefan: Nooo!
Matt: Nooo!
Underused Aunt Jenna: Nooo!
Somewhat prematurely disposed of Uncle Werewolf: Nooo!
Vampire Caroline and Sheriff Mom's Loving and Mutually Respectful Relationship: Nooo!
Damon and Bonnie the witch as a potential couple because I have a feeling that might be the road they're going down: Nooo!
CC: Oh, man, vervain soup in the well! OUCH! Katherine's smarter than everyone. If I were Elena at this point I'd probably just kill myself. Everything just seems like too much trouble. Her being alive is literally just too much trouble for her and everyone she cares about. Plus, she has to do some goddamn town event every week. How old is THAT getting? I'm merely watching it and it's kinda getting old (and yet not, ridiculous charity events every week somehow do not actually offend me, unlike the ridiculous singing assignments every week on Glee...gee, maybe it has something to do with the MUCH BETTER WRITING ON THIS SHOW).

Lunkhead Brother: We've done more than our share of vampire-based episodes over the last few years but we've never taken a big shit on Twilight and it's dimwit fans before so this one was far and away our greatest hit.
Sensitive Brother: What did the gross, sweaty, Sons Of Anarchy-type vamp say about the simpletons who love Stephenie Meyers?
Lunkhead Brother: He said they want a promise ring with fangs. Then I macheted his head off.
Sensitive Brother:Awesome. Also, you know how I went to hell at the end of the last season and then came straight back at the start of this one? It might not be me. Just saying.

The Good Wife
JB: My token boring show. Except it's got sort of good. I think it's because they stopped worshipping at the altar of noble, blameless Julianne Margulies and now it's all backstabbing and shady deals under the table. Look at the cast of this thing: Jason Street, Logan Huntzberger from Gilmore Girls, Richard Gilmore from Gilmore Girls, Alan Cumming, Griffin Dunne, Anika Noni Rose, another of Meryl Streep's daughters, Christine Baranski, Josh Charles. I would mention Archie Panjabi. She won Best Supporting Actress after all. But it's like she's on a different show. Her show's about an omnisexual investigator in thigh-high leather boots who deals with rival investigator Jason Street poking around her made-up background by taking a baseball bat to his rental car and then grabbing a fistful of his crotch and administering executive relief.
CC: Wait. Jason Street is on this show? That's where he went? YAY! Good for him! :D I'm so happy! But I'm not gonna watch it.

The X Factor
JB: This happened on TV. On a show looking for a new pop star. Watched by millions.
So did this:
And this. Which I kind of liked.
CC: Two seconds. Five seconds. Five seconds. Is how long I lasted on each of those, respectively.

Amazing Race
CC: That fob dad is so freakin' cute. That is all.

Boardwalk Empire
CC: YES! Thank you! Death! Mayhem! Multiple people getting shot unexpectedly (cuz I am stupid and did not see it coming) at point-blank range! Yes please! More please! More Al Capone and Jimmy Darmody coldbloodedly killing the fuck out of people and less of everything else plzkthx! Seriously, I'm not smart enough to follow anything on this show except for the murders and not even them half the time. Like, I guess FBI guy is either super religious, or a perv, or a super-religious perv? I honestly have no idea what all that hitting-self-with-belt business was about. I mean, I have some idea, but I don't know if it's right. Eh. Who cares.
JB: He was flagellating himself over having impure thoughts about 16 year-old Glasgow's own Kelly MacDonald. Whose body double was Not Saggy. But the main point is, this show suddenly DOES have a charismatic and believable guy as it's star. It's Michael Pitt. Never liked him in the few movies i ever saw him in, but it's suddenly all working for him and his five-knuckle dagger. The Darmody/ Capone storyline is SO much better than everything else. And it takes place in Chicago. Not Atlantic City. So the best bits of Boardwalk Empire have nothing to do with the Boardwalk Empire.

Movie Club
CC: JB, I finally saw Splice, which meant I could finally go back and read what you wrote about Splice, and can I just say that this movie was ALL SORTS OF FUCKED UP. I've got a pretty strong stomach for gore and fucked up shit and whatever, like any proper enjoyer of horror movies, but this wasn't really a horror movie (I did very much dig the part with the two caterpillar things suddenly stabbing each other to death), it was just...I mean, it was all sorts of stuff, and much slower and less horror-y than the trailer would lead you to believe, and also by the end, JUST GROSS. Ew. Sarah Polley got fucked. By herself. Like, *literally*. No thank you. From now on I will take my Sarah Polley in the same form I used to take it: running away from zombies with that guy from Medium whenever Dawn of the Dead shows up on cable.

Paranormal Activity 2
CC: There was activity. It was paranormal. Pretty much in the same way the first one was paranormal. So pretty good. But then the ending was bad. You hear me, Paranormal Activity people? You're lazy. LAZY!

The Loved Ones
JB: Let's make it a horror trifecta. This is an Australian film--but don't stop reading-- which, I guess will come out here on DVD at some point or maybe already has. Worth watching because: it's Pretty In Pink meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Except the quirky girl in the home-made pink dress has her crush abducted, carves a heart in his chest, drills a hole in his forehead and throws him the basement with the rest of her mutant lobotomized former prom dates. Here's the trailer:

Mixtape Club: Song Of The Day!

And it's a cute one. Sucrette is, according to my extensive research, either the name of the group or the singer. The song is called Love Prologue.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Happiest TV Club On Earth

Download it here or purchase the limited-edition vinyl package at

CC: It's been documented in SO many places on the interwebs now how this show has totally taken a fucking nosedive (I bet a lot of people have already broken up with it, and I would too except for my fondness for certain cast members and of course, singing and dancing in general), so there's almost no point, but I will say that I only watched three things: Mercedes and Santana, who KILLED IT, then Kurt killing it all by his own self, then Tina and Mike Chang not killing it because I found that song totally irritating and they were fine and cute and whatever, but again, thanks for letting Harry Shum dance, but in that case I want to see MORE OF IT, by which I mean more dancing and also less of his clothes. So, work on that. In related news, I saw Rob Hoffman of Step Up 2 fame at a party and almost freaked out. He was clearly doing that thing where he was like, half-assedly dancing because, you know, everyone else at this place is a total plebe and let's not draw TOO much attention to myself even though if I actually busted out I would have everyone staring and cheering within half a second. I applaud him for that, but I also REALLY wanted to see him actually bust out and have everyone staring and cheering within half a second. Oh well. I was of course too shy to go up and say something to him because I suck as a human being, so I just stared at him a lot from afar, and occasionally from a-near, and then he left.
JB:I have no short-term memory so I have no short-term memory so there might have been earlier episodes of Glee I like as much as this one but, I don't know if I mentioned, I have no short-term memory. Here's what I liked: ladykisses, scissoring, Kurt being called on his creepy stalker bullshit, River Deep Mountain High (Fantastic. Santana solo now! Start the Facebook campaign!), "Is it a blanket?", Dianna Agron rocking a close-up better than anyone else in that not-totally ugly cast, the Asian duet. Here's what I didn't: the scarlet-lettering of Brittany for cynically deflowering Artie. It's not like she didn't tell him she'd slept with the whole team. I demand an episode nailing him for his whiny I-am-my-disability passive-aggressive behavior. And I don't look to Glee for any kind of logic or consistency but did that Rachel-and-Finn-have-to-lose-
the-duet-contest story make any kind of sense? Also, it wasn't until the trailer for next week, I even noticed Jane Lynch hadn't been in the entire episode.
CC: Okay so obviously even though I have many, many issues with this show, I was still sucked in by the fact that they posted all the Rocky Horror songs online, because I loooove Rocky Horror, so I listened to the Mercedes version of Sweet Transvestite and you know what? It fucking rocks. THAT is what they should be doing with all the songs all the time, fucking changing them up-- even just by switching the goddamn gender of the singer, we're talking MILES of improvement. Anyway so now I'm looking forward to the Halloween ep. It'll probably disappoint me. :(

Mad Men
CC: The best part of that whole thing was not "see ya later Dr. Faye" even though I've basically been calling for her head ever since she appeared, and it was not "oh my god, Betty, you are such a fucking bitch" from Henry Francis even though that was totally awesome-- it was that whole Joan/Peggy exchange after they found out Don's marrying Megan. Joan's line as soon as Peggy entered? Gold. And god bless Jessica Pare and her teeth.
JB: People are seriously pulling the Worst Episode Ever card? Like they couldn't believe Don impulsively proposing to Megan? Like that hasn't been his m.o since day one( remember him begging Rachel Menken to run off with him?) Like he knew Betty any better when he married her? Shut up, anyone who was disappointed,you're disqualified from watching Season 5.

Boardwalk Empire
CC: Hey, remember when this show was about gangsters and shit? And violent stuff happened and it was actually interesting to watch? Instead of feeling like four hours of social studies homework? Yeah.
JB: Chalky White's "I ain't building no bookcase" monologue from last week changed everything for those of us (aka America) who watch this because it's something we think we're supposed to do. This week changed everything back. Steve Buscemi's a great actor and a good director but I think buying Steve Buscemi as The Guy In Charge Of Everything is part of Boardwalk Empire's problem. The real-life Guy In Charge Of Everything was of Gandolfini-esque proportions. We know Gandolfini wasn't about to sign up for another HBO gangster series, so who else could have filled those big shoes? My immediate suggestion: Ray Winstone.
Cut to:
CC: Who the fuck is Ray Winstone? Is he a dancer? Does he have awesome abs? No? Fuck him.
Cut to:
JB:I'm replaying Boardwalk Empire in my head with Ray Winstone in it and every scene is immediately better.

30 Rock Live Episode
JB: We don't normally cover sitcoms because what is there to say besides It was funny or It wasn't funny, but this was a real triumph. I liked hearing actual laughter on a prime-time comedy. I liked the nervousness. I liked the whole we're-putting-on-a-show vibe. I know there was 30% less comedy than usual but I tend to miss about 30% so that was fine with me. If they did this every week, 30 Rock would be a much bigger hit. Even if they don't, someone should be thinking about getting a live weekly sitcom on the air. #thiswillneverhappen

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills
JB: I did not watch this but Me At 16 did. Reason: one of the RH's of BH is named Lisa Vanderpump which is obviously hilarious but, to Me At 16, was also the name of the main reason to watch the video of the song from My Favorite Album Of All Time:
ABC - Poison Arrow
Uploaded by UniversalMusicGroup. - See the latest featured music videos.
Much Much Older Me stuck around long enough to see Camille Grammer wave goodbye to her husband Kelsey as he drove off to his big Broadway musical which turned out to be THE LAST TIME SHE WOULD EVER SEE HIM.

Sensitive Brother: What the fucking fuck? I'm not even in this episode. You see me for, like, thirty seconds. The whole thing's about our old craggy grizzled demon-hunter mentor. That dude's a supporting character. Supporting!
Lunkhead Brother: Yeah, I thought for my directorial debut...
Sensitive Brother: YOU DIRECTED IT, you son of a bitch? You're in it, though, right? No skimping on your brooding close-ups or angsty monologues.
Lunkhead Brother: I thought I'd take the opportunity to pay tribute to the classic Buffy episode The Zeppo and, by extension, Tom Stoppard's Rozencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, wherein a supposedly peripheral character takes center-stage.
Sensitive Brother: Asshole.

JB: Nigel Lythgoe's been doing a lot of pre-emptive defending of the new-look, not-at-all-doomed American Idol. J.Lo tells it like it is. Steven Tyler's got a heart as big as Texas. Randy Jackson's stepping up like never before. The upcoming season is all about artistic integrity. Raise the white flag, Lythgoe, Cowell's bringing the circus to town. Here come the clips!

and finally:

Movie Club

The Social Network
JB: We may have lost Cox and Arquette but we've gained Fincher and Sorkin from whom I want more movies right now( and also no TV from Sorkin ever again).
CC: I fucking loved almost everything about this movie and the things I did not love are just tiny nitpicks (WHY with the equation-writing on the window, I don't even care if they did that in real life, it's just such a busted movie thing at this point; I didn't even go to Harvard and I know fuck truck chicks don't look like that; it was jarring, although not unpleasant, to see the chick from Vampire Diaries, cuz it was like omg, that's not a groupie that's a VAMPIRE!; cats who look like Hitler already sounded wrong and then I looked it up and yeah, it apparently wasn't invented till two years after when the movie was set). But Andrew Garfield RULED, and of course I love JT, and the whole thing was literally a situation of, it started and I was already leaning nerdily forward in my seat, and then when the last scene ended I was like "what? it's over already? no! more please! more movie please!" Loved it.

JB: They missed out the BO from the start of the title. Ha!( It's not terrible but I'm sick of seeing Bruce Willis wander through movies like someone just woke him up from his nap)

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.
JB: Money Never Sleeps. Except when it's watching Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

What If TV Club Was One Of Us?

It all goes down here. It comes back up again at

Mad Men

JB: My predictions are so consistently wrong I'm not going to say Don's Jerry Maguire-like mission statement will inspire another Conrad Hilton figure to emerge from the shadows and save SCDP in the nick of time. I'm also not going to predict that Doc Blonde's "have your girl make the reservations' was a message that she knows about Shark Tooth Megan and, while she may be the most accommodating and understanding woman Don's ever been involved with, she's not THAT accommodating and understanding. Her reaction wasn't that different from Betty seeing Sally with Creepy Glen.

JB: Could have been all sorts of ass. Wasn't. Reason: Colfer. As heavy-handed as this show is, I'm impressed they kept him a non-believer. Also impressive: the lack of Schue.
CC: Thought I would hate I Wanna Hold Your Hand. Loved it. Thought I would hate One of Us. Enjoyed it and wanted it to go twice as long. Thought I could watch the entire episode instead of going back to my habit of fastforwarding through large chunks. Was wrong.

JB: Oh wow, Fred Armisen looks just like Artie! Oh no, it's Gilly! Oh wow, Jay Pharoah's Denzel is on point! Oh no, Jane Lynch is trapped in a sketch with no end. That's all I saw.

JB: Devon Sawa's got an Anthony Michael Hall thing going on. Once scrawny, now roided-up to almost unrecognizable proportions. Hey, there's Bianca Lawson again. Hey, there's Stan Lee. Stop doing cameos, Stan. Liked: Shane West's face when he thought that
"Your girlfriend's on the phone' was directed at him. Didn't like: I hate that thing they do in shows like this when the hero and the bad guy come face to face and she does nothing for bullshit script reasons. She could have stopped Roid Guy shooting Division Bad Guy. She could have wounded and abducted Division Bad Guy and... yeah, okay, I'm babbling. Just don't set her up as superwoman and then make her not superwoman when it's convenient.

Vampire Diaries
JB: Vampire/ werewolf alliance! Also, more evidence for my Damon-is-emotionally-12-years-old accusation: his whining "But you're my friend' to Sheriff Mom.
CC: Oh. My. Fucking. God. Best ep since last season's finale. That was nuts. Vamp Caroline continues to be the best thing ever. And I can't believe Nina Dobrev gets to make out with every single guy on this show. And Damon's voice on "Hey" towards the end of the ep as Elena headed for the door almost killed me, just the way it sounded. And good lord, I know this ain't the first time they've done it, but Elena feeding Stefan her blood? Come on. COME ON! Hey censors! You know every time that happens on a vampire show it's basically like we're WATCHING PEOPLE HAVE SEX, RIGHT? Okay, just wanted to make that clear. P.S. Has there ever been a TV show with more use of the word "system" re: things in it? "In her system." "In your system." "As soon as it leaves her system." Etc. Etc. If you think too hard about it, about exactly what they mean whenever they're waiting for blood or vervein or whatever to leave someone's system, it makes the whole vamp thing less kinda sexy and more just kinda gross. BIOLOGY! *jazz hands*

Lunkhead Brother: We're back, baby! Plagues! Boils! Blood! Locusts eating their way out of the inside of a cop's skull! Plus, we got our season arc. It's angels! Angry angels. Which means...
Castiel the deadpan, humorless angel: I have returned. To take everything the idiot brothers say at face value and handle the the weighty and continually changing exposition. Which, this year, seems to be that God is no longer in the picture, there's a civil war among angels and an apocalypse is looming. Wait, isn't that EXACTLY what we did last season?
Sensitive Brother: You missed the most important part. After I got done banging a whore, she forgot to ask me for the money.

JB: Marti Noxon's new show. Kind of a Hollywood Gossip Girl with socialites swapped out for celebrity offspring. The low-wattage cast mangled the few funny lines and seemed smaller than life. Which is understandable, seeing as the lead character is played by MERYL STREEP'S DAUGHTER! And her nemesis is JOE MANTEGNA'S DAUGHTER!

Teach: Tony Danza
JB: Tony doesn't really want to be a teacher, he wants to be a teacher in a movie. He wants his O Captain My Captain Dead Poets moment. He wants his Mr Holland's Opus. This week, he tried teaching Of Mice And Men to his 9th graders. They didn't get it. A few of the learning challenged kids asked to go the school resource room where they get individual help. Tony wasn't buying it. Because he thinks he's in a movie, he kept banging on at them "You're smart. I know you can do this." His belief was, that if the students stared at the words long enough, they would magically transform from an incomprehensible block of text into a story that wold touch their hearts. When that didn't happen and he was reprimanded by his teaching counselor, he wept for ten minutes. He also made two other students cry by getting up in their faces and caring too much.

X Factor
JB: This week, Britain went bananas for Gamu. Gam-who? She was one of the girls who didn't make the cut last week. One of the non-trainwreck, non-drama queens. She was also an immigrant from Zimbabwe whose passport, it turned out, may not have been entirely in order. Or her mother was claiming state benefits she wasn't entitled to.It's all a bit hazy. Anyway, the UK press got hold of the fact that Gamu not only didn't get chosen for the nation's #1 show, she may be returned to Zimbabwe where firing squads are waiting at the airport for her to touch down. Where did the anger at this injustice direct itself? At X factor judge Cheryl Cole. I don't have the energy to recap The Cheryl Cole Story. Suffice to say, once she was reviled as a racist bully, then she made herself over into The People's Princess and suddenly, she was being seen as the heartless bitch who was sending a poor little girl to her certain death. For Cheryl Cole, it was a week of death threats and beefed-up security. All of which was forgotten when the insane live show actually began. I don't know if there was any kind of theme running through this episode. Let's take a look:
No, not sure. Shall we see more?
Can't tell. More?
One more?
Maybe I was wrong.

Monday, October 4, 2010

TV Club Is Outraged, OUTRAGED!

The anger is mounting here. It boils over at

CC: I was SO looking forward to this episode and then SO angry as soon as it started. Angry that there was no story or anything even resembling a story. Angry that they attempted to formulate a plotline that made the Britney Spears stuff make sense, because it didn't make sense, so why even bother. Angry that they insist on overproducing the fuck out of everyone, even though most of the cast can sing their faces off (that last song should've been Lea Michele's voice, NO electronic interference, and one guitar, that's it, full stop). Angry that Artie is the only male cast member who can sing AND dance equally well and they stick the poor kid in a wheelchair. Angry that for some reason they think it's okay to put a wheelchair kid on the football team (there are no rules against it? there ARE rules against it, there are TONS of rules against it, you fucking morons) which is about the same thing as making it so that Artie gets hit by lightning and can suddenly walk again, so why don't they just do that, because then they don't have to waste his dance talent anymore. Angry that Mr. Schue got to be in the Toxic number, because the less I see of that guy on this show, the better (he was great on the Tony Awards or whatever it was, motherfucker is talented, but this character has never done him any, and continues to do him no, favors). Angry that they did NOTHING to make the Britney songs their own-- NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING! They did the Baby One More Time video basically shot for shot. Are we supposed to be impressed? Are we supposed to give you credit for moving the key up and finding one of the scariest-abbed female backup dancers in the history of life (seriously, check that girl out...she was deeply frightening)? Yes, you put Mark Kanemura in there too. Yes, I love you for that. But it is MADDENING that this episode was a ratings bonanza when it was SO BAD. It was flat out bad. And I LOVE Heather Morris. And Heather Morris fucking KILLED IT, killed every moment, killed the dancing, killed her one-liners like usual, and the biggest laugh for me wasn't even a line, it was when she did that sort of not-particularly-energetic fist-pump move towards the end. Heather Morris fucking KILLED IT. And yet. This episode. SUCKED. And it's not gonna get any better. The show's not gonna get any better, because THIS is what gets them ratings. This. This fucking TRAVESTY. Fuck you, Glee. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! See you next week. :\
JB: On a more positive note, I'd like to single out the performance of Me At 16. I liked it when Me At !6 began squealing `Wanky! Wanky!' I enjoyed Me At 16's tell-tale butt-sweat stain. And, of course, the spell cast by Me At 16's Jewish cloud.(Except mine was more like a satellite dish). Also dug John Stamos's almost-subliminal shout-out to the Howard Stern fans in the audience which, I'm guessing, numbered me and Howard Stern who was watching for the first time and shared the same opinion as everyone else who found this an inexplicable mess.

Mad Men
JB:Will we get through this season without another Roger Sterling heart attack? I fear we will not. Not a fan of Peggy's beatnik boyfriend but Stan the art guy is a hideous douche.

Vampire Diaries
CC: There are way too many baubles with powers (BWPs? Should I try and start this? Nah.) on this show. Like, everybody has a daywalking ring, and there's that moonstone Uncle Werewolf is obsessed with, and the whole thing of he was unharmed by the silver, like, who KNOWS whether that's actually a thing or whether he's got some sort of anti-silver necklace or some crap, and also, HELLO, Katherine pulled an iocane powder with the vervein and now it doesn't affect her anymore? Come on. COME ON! Next thing you know, staking a vampire won't kill 'em. Blah. Oh well, still a good ep (terrible sightlines on the Katherine/Elena face-to-face though...come on, people, it can't be that hard, Nina Dobrev is RIGHT THERE and you're telling me you don't know how tall she is for the little ball on a stick?).
JB: You know in Japan Jersey Shore is called Macaroni Rascals ? (I'm not kidding. Google it if you don't believe me). If I was a buyer for a foreign network and I'd just sampled a bunch of Vampire Diaries episodes, I might think about renaming it Useless Stabbing Show. Because there's a lot of stabbing, staking and syringing and the majority of it to little effect. Vintage Somerhalder: introducing himself to Uncle Werewolf thusly: "I'm a dick"

CC: Girlcrush continues. Plot confusion continues as well (I did register that they had that cool twist this week, but all the stuff AROUND it, like what was that guy actually doing besides sweatshops or whatever, I have no idea and also do not care). More bad flashback wigs (seriously...what's with that? the odds are that Maggie Q from 6 years ago IN REAL LIFE looks exactly like she does today, so, why not just do that?).
JB: Terrible wigs. Baby bomb. That's all I remember.

CC: Kanye wins. Kanye wins. KANYE FUCKING WINS. He won anyway with his pre-performance still photo that then moved, and he wins because he's dating Selita Ebanks, but he super duper undeniably wins just on the sheer WTF-ness of those two performances, the second of which was the musical guest equivalent of What Up With That (which was my favorite incarnation of it since the very first one...Sudeikis pulled out some new shit, Cranston went for it, they got Morgan fucking Freeman, and did I mention the Sudeikis dance moves, okay yes I did). Loved Nasim Pedrad as the kid who just wanted to paint a pegasus. Kristin Wiig, always good. Fred Armisen and sparkling cider. Kenan, GOD BLESS HIM, my new favorite thing anyone has ever said in the history of the world is "Turn aroundst." So much other funny stuff too. Great show.
JB:Tough luck on Bryan Cranston agreeing to do an opening number about nobody knowing who he is and then getting obliterated by Kanye West AND Ernest Borgnine. And, seriously? You hire Jay Pharoah who is A) black and B) an impressionist and we're still stuck with Armisen's Obama? As for The Miley Cyrus Show, it ranks a little bit above The Prince Show but a little bit below The Barry Gibb Show, The Dakota Fanning Show and The Joe Pesci Show.

Teach: Tony Danza
JB; Don't stop reading. This is the least scripted unscripted washed-up celebrity fish-out-of-water reality show I've ever seen. The idea is, Tony Danza wanted to be a teacher before all that other stuff happened. Now all that other stuff has stopped happening so he's trying to make his dream come true by teaching English at a Philadelphia high school. A&E's record with this kind of thing (Gene Simmons, Steven Seagal, Kirstie Alley) is not stellar. But they make up for it with Danza. Every bit of his vanity, insecurity and desperation to please is on display here. He's so nervous in front of the kids he sweats straight through his shirt. He tries to tap dance to keep their interest. He doesn't know what omniscient means. He cries when the principal lectures him about taking the job seriously. He cries again when he's reprimanded for not signing in first thing in the morning ( I might have cried, too: the secretary was a raging bitch). He earns a Coach Taylor-like look of disdain from the school's own Coach Taylor when he attempts to bust out a Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose but ends up talking about himself for two minutes. And then the final chunk of the episode takes place at a Friday night football game where the team is drenched by unceasing sheets of rain and a waterlogged Danza is besieged by angry parents, none of whom care about his dwindling fame and all of whom want his guarantee he's not going to piss away their kids' education just for a few more weeks of TV work. I give Teach an A!

Lunkhead Brother: Shapeshifters? Seriously? Haven't we been down the shapeshifters road once or twenty five times?
Sensitive Brother: Yeah, but shapeshifting BABIES? Fresh twist. Plus we get to play good and evil versions of ourselves.
Lunkhead Brother: Haven't we been down THAT road once or forty times?
Sensitive Brother: Look, it gets rid of your girlfriend and her kid and gets us back to work, so maybe this series can actually begin and we can find out if there's going to be any sort of arc rather than just going back to monster-of-the-week stuff.

X Factor
JB: Bear with me because things are about to get a little bit clippy. Up to now, The X hasn't differed from American Idol at all. Now it begins to differ a little. This week the finalists in each category--the over 28s(ie: the joke category), the groups (Ie: the other joke category), the girls and the boys get shipped off to the judges' houses (ie: some go to one of Cowell's many unattended mansions, the others end up in hotels). The judges then whittle the groups down from 8 to 3 finalists they will mentor over the course of the next bunch of live shows. So, as usual: the groups: bullshit. The over 28's: all insane. The boys: a Chris Martin-type has a decent shot. Which brings us to the girls: the six black girls and two white girls. The six black girls who deliver flawless final auditions. And the two white girls who... see for yourself:


Now let's take a quick look at their competition:


First two: sailed through. Second two(plus two other black chicks who barely got six seconds screen time between them): booted. And I get it. It's a TV show. Personality, even awful, horrible personality like Bats For Lashes, is key. But just don't pretend it's a singing competition.

Having said that, let me now draw your attention to the third girl who made it through to the finals.

I would buy that (if I hadn't stopped paying for music sometime in 2001) but I'm still outraged...

CC: Fireflies! FIREFLIES! FIREFLIES! FIREFLIES! Who else was just transported back to the last time Fireflies was mentioned on this here blog, on account of the guy doing the robot on SYTYCD and it totally floored me and tears were shed? Just me? Yeah, just me. I want everyone on this show to get bonus points whenever anyone says "meself." I just find that a total delight.

And finally...

Movie Club

Easy A
JB: Best teen film since Clueless. I'm not wrong.

Let Me In
JB: Best faithful adaptation of a Swedish vampire movie to fail to win an American audience because people here only respond to hot vampire dudes.