Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Mixtape Club: Special 90s Dance-Pop Bullshit Special!

CC gets enigmatic at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva whereas I'm offering 100% pure love. Well, it's probably closer to 42% at this point...

Monday, June 21, 2010

TV Club's Cruel Summer


Luxuriate in the comfort of my nice new template here or take a trip into the dark ages at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

NJ Housewives
CC: No. That was vile. I'm not gonna dignify it. I can't. Love Dina though. And her cats.

Bethenny Getting Married?
JB: Yep, still watching it. She's suddenly become my favorite yenta. I think I know how this happened. I just finished John Green's book Paper Towns( did I pick it up because of the LA Festival of Books incident? Yes.) I didn't love it the way some people do but his thing about how we become attracted to the attributes we attach to another person and overlook who they actually are: that's totally me and Bethenny. (Unless that's not what he was saying at all. I kind of skim-read it). I don't like her for what she is, I like her for what I think she is: funny, self-deprecating, un-delusional, not crazily materialistic. Everything, in other words, that the other Real Housewives, and every other woman on reality TV, aren't. But if I really think about it, I can't recall one funny thing she said. And I don't think she's uttered a single word that hasn't been about herself. So maybe I'm going to end up hating her. That's usually the way it goes with me.
CC: I didn't watch this but I've read all of John Green's books and here's as good a place to mention it as any, since you started it: John Green rules. In Will Grayson, Will Grayson, there's some line about how when somebody asks if they can ask you a random question, it's never random-- it's like the LEAST random question you're gonna get. He is a wise man. I'd quote the part directly but there's ten feet between me and the book right now.

Top Chef
JB: The first guy kicked off looked like a Na'avi.
CC: So it ended up being that guy? I was watching it and then I lost interest and stopped. But not before I noted that Padma and Gail could have a helluva boob-off right now. Yeesh. (Padma wins.)

Double Exposure
CC: This show is about two fashion photographers named Marcus Klinko and Indrani. They are as weird and Euro and annoying as you would imagine they might be from being named that and having the job of fashion photographer. But it's always interesting to see actual PROFESSIONAL versions of what goes on in Top Model, plus there is literally NOTHING else on TV right now, so when I randomly found this, I was like sure, why not. It's mildly entertaining, I guess. The most interesting thing was the fact that they showed the model on this one shoot before she went into hair and makeup-- she was just standing around looking normal, and you always forget that real models, unlike the ones on Top Model, are always, like, high school kids. She made a face when the designer told her she had a big forehead (he meant it as a compliment since this was a very dramatic high fashion shoot and whatever, but still, some high school girl hearing that is entitled to be like "uh, thanks"), and then it was just mean when the photographer was yelling at her because they suddenly decided that she should go stand out on this narrow ledge and she was scared of heights. But then after it was all over she was a good sport about having done it and dorked out like a kid. It was cute. I just googled the photographers and apparently they're bankrupt and the girl one might be dating Lindsay Lohan. All righty then.

Work Of Art
JB: Miles The OCD Guy Who Tried To Clown Sarah Jessica Parker unveiled his true colors this week. He's the guy who's not there to make fiends. He's the guy who's playing the game. Last week his game was being incapable of functioning in any kind of social situation. He was underestimated. He won. This week, he lacked the strength to stay awake. He lay comatose on a couch, he snored through China Chow's introductions( and, in that, he was not alone) and he dozed through most of the challenge which was to make art out of junk. While his adversaries were struggling to make big statements with abandoned typewriters and decrepit vacuum cleaners, he turned an old cabinet on it's side, threw a sheet over it, climbed on top and rolled himself up in a foetal ball. He was still in that position when the judges arrived. "He's made himself into the exhibit," they marveled. "So brave. So vulnerable." MIles was so refreshed after his forty winks that he decided to join the judges as they evaluated his colleagues. "That's unspeakably boring," he said about another guy's work. Meanwhile, the other guy and the rest of the artists are staring at the judges like, `Do something! Stop letting him get away with this shit." And they did something. They made him the winner again.

Man V Food
JB: Third season for the Travel Channel's eating challenge show which remains a real devil-on-one shoulder-angel-on-the-other situation for me. On the one shoulder: ha ha, the host has to eat an omelette the size of a small horse, it's a dozen-egger, it's piled high with potato skins, look at his face, it's all blotchy, look at the way the sweat pours into his eyes, see how he slows down halfway through like every forkful suddenly weighs a ton and he can hear his heart pound in his ears. On the other shoulder: this guy is wiping years of his life for our entertainment, look at him plunging elbow deep into a bucket of ribs, he's sworn to eat fifty in 30 minutes, he hits something like twenty diners over the course of a season, gnawing his way through pizzas the size of snow-plough tires and curry designed to cause bleeding from the anus, he is killing himself and what about the waste of food and what about the people who count themselves lucky if they get so much as a morsel to eat. Very confusing. That omelette looked great, though...

The Hard Times Of RJ Berger
JB: MTV's never come close to having a success with a live-action scripted show. They're aiming to make a fresh start next year with inferior US adaptations of Skins and The Inbetweeners and an attempt to make a Buffy out of Teen Wolf which isn't a terrible idea. But first there's this, a comedy about a dork with a colossal cock. I'm now going to describe the climax of the first episode. The dork approaches the jock who torments him and dates the hot cheerleader he secretly loves. The dork unzips and hauls out the monster. He gets a handful of cock-sweat and then he rubs it against the jock's face. The rest of the school breaks into cheers and applause. The end.

The Real L Word
JB: I learned a new word. Futch. Meaning femme acting butch. Thanks, lesbians.

SYTYCD Wednesday
CC: I love this show so much that it's really hard for me not to just ramble on and on and get way too detailed, so as an experiment this week I'm just gonna write about each contestant's dance as if I were tweeting it. Ready?
Billy broadway: Lauren raped Billy.
Cristina jazz: MARK!!!
Jose hip-hop: Okay, that was cool.
Adechike jazz: Loved it. Mostly cuz of Kathryn.
Tapper Girl jive: No. But Pasha! But she sucked. And referred to herself in third person. And sucked.
Alex contemporary: The song was too on the nose. The overacting was crazy. AND I LOVED IT. And OMG he cried! And Allison...my god. Allison.
Alexie hip-hop: Cute. A bit too Laker Girl-y.
Lauren pop jazz: Eh.
Kent cha-cha: OMG. Kent FTW. Kent FTmotherfuckinW. I giggled in delight throughout that whole thing. He even made Adam namecheck Gev! GEV!
Ashley contemporary: Tyce frankensteined that together from totally recognizable bits of like 12 other dances. Just say no to patchwork choreo!
Robert african jazz: I am very interested in Robert Roldan. I am VERY interested in Robert Roldan. Give him a couple years and he's Mark.
Cat's dress: Sure.
Cat's hair: Nope.

SYTYCD Thursday.
CC: Goddammit. I knew exactly what would happen upon seeing that bottom 3, and it's exactly what happened. Bleh. :( Alexie wuz robbed.

JB:If Lythgoe hadn't made a point of introducing new director Nikki Parsons, I wouldn't have taken the effort to IMDB her and discover that she has no experience directing dance shows. Apart from three seasons of the UK Dancing With The Stars. And all the Andrew Lloyd Webber pick-a-singing-and-dancing-star-for-my-next-West-End-revival shows. And the Eurovision Song Contest. Despite Nikki's best efforts, there was a lot to love over these two days. Alex/Allison obviously topped the list but where do you go after `best routine ever danced on any stage'? Was there anyone who watched that clip of Billy Bell and his dad looking proudly at the table they'd whittled and didn't immediately think of Kurt and Burt from Glee? Kent reminded both me and Lythgoe of actors. For him, it was the young Paul Newman. For me, it was Jack McBrayer. That Usher song fucking sucks. This season is going to be a girl-pocalypse. It's going to be a dollocaust. It will be a modern-day miracle if there's one girl standing by the time we reach the top 5. Kathryn CREMATED Adechike and he didn't even graze the bottom 3. The judges are tough-loving Froderman in the hope the tween girl audience throws her a sympathy text but I fear she will be mown down in a hail of get-out-of-the-way-so-we-can-watch-the-inevitable-showdown-between Billy and Alex. Also, I'm kind of kicking myself because I could easily have got tickets for that Twyla Tharp show but I chose not to. On the other hand, could I have sat through two hours of Sinatra songs? We'll never know.
CC: SPOILER ALERT: I just read that Billy Bell is krumping this week with Comfort. HAHHAAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. You know what? He just might Travis the thing and kick ass. But probably not. (spoilers are onhttp://www.sytycdism.com/ if you wanna check 'em out)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Mixtape Club: Special 90s Dance-Pop Bullshit Special!

CC blows the dust off PM Dawn over at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva. Today's choice isn't exactly dance-pop and it certainly isn't bullshit. I know, the rules are out the window. It's anarchy! But it does come from the 90s when it was given the unpleasant label Acid Jazz. I'm placing it in the sub-category: Songs I Haven't Heard In Approximately One Hundred Years That Sound Unexpectedly Fantastic. (Plus I couldn't find a decent copy of Missing by Everything But The Girl...) Young Disciples. Apparently Nothin'.




Thursday, June 17, 2010

Mixtape Club: Special 90s Dance-Pop Bullshit Special!

One of my all-time favorites over at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva. From around the same time: `Got A Love for You' by Jomanda who, if I remember correctly, I saw lip-sync this in front of an unimpressed audience at Harlem's legendary Apollo Theater.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Mixtape Club: Special 90s Dance-Pop Bullshit Special!

Paula Abdul. `Promise Of A New Day'. She attributes her unorthodox behavior to pain medication. I maintain seeing herself squashed into this video turned her into a mental. Once you've watched it, scoot over to http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva. Three words. Ace of Base. Two more words. Oh no.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Mixtape Club: Special 90s Dance-Pop Bullshit Special!

This is awkward. Over at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva CC picked a prime slice of 90s dance-pop bullshit by the Real McCoy. Which was what I was going to put up. But they had two hits. So here's the other one.


Monday, June 14, 2010

TV Club: World Cup Special!


Blow your vuvuzela here. Go deaf at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

NJ Housewives
CC: Okay, I may like Kim G. now that she told Danielle off about her shady friends. And I gotta say, Danielle's a psychopath, yes, but she has a point when she was like Dina, why did you ask me to come out here just so you could tell me you want me out of your life? See, I assume that was the show making them do that, but yeah, when you want someone out of your life, you don't call them up and ask them to hang out just so you can tell them that. You just quietly go about your business and hopefully they quietly go about theirs, and ta da, everybody's done. But my biggest problem with the show continues to be the fact that looking at Danielle's monkey face literally makes my eyeballs hurt. That shit is *rough*.

Bethenny Getting Married?
JB: There might be a problem with my TV. Whenever I've tried to watch any version of the Real Housewives franchise, all I get is EEEE EEEE EEEE EEEE. Orange County: EEEE EEEE EEEE EEEE. New York: EEEE EEEE EEEE EEEE. New Jersey: EEEE EEEE EEEE EEEE. Atlanta: EEEE EEEE EEEE EEEE EEEE. (I'm not in any danger of laboring the point with this EEEE EEEE EEEE EEEE thing, am I? Good) It renders me incapable. But I keep hearing how Bethenny Frankel's not like the others. She's different: she's quirky, fun and likable. Which, to me, is like `Hitler, you should probably give a wide berth. But Eichmann? A delight!'. So I made it through most, if not quite all, of BGM? and I think I get why people find her endearing. She's pushy and self-deprecating, she's got buggy eyes and looks permanently beat-up, she calls her vag `the abyss' and she delivered a whole speech about her insane workload while sitting in front of a laptop that had the Safari `you are not connected to the internet' sign. What I liked a lot: the lack of screechy drama. Bethenny's legit friends are all super-supportive and her husband-to-be seems like a good guy( although, just before I watched this episode, I read some cruel and hurtful allegations that suggested Bethenny's marriage was proceeding along the same lines as Star Jones' which...well, watch it and see if you think the vicious slur has any credibility)( it does).

Lie to Me
CC: I watched this because I read somewhere that Jason Dohring was on it playing a serial killer, and if there's anything I'm SURE Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars can do, it's play a serial killer. Anyway, I've never seen this show before, and the first thing that happens is Tim Roth sees Logan and goes "that guy's a serial killer." Then his lady partner is like "eh, I'm not so sure." Then he's like "yeah, well *I'm* sure." And Lady Partner goes "ehhh, maybe not." Um, X-Files much? There ARE aliens, Scully. There ARE monsters. And this guy IS a serial killer. Why bother arguing? Anyhoo, there was also a B-story involving Howard Hesseman and a spaceship, so hey, that's what Howard Hesseman's up to lately. Good for him! Landry's dad from FNL was on too, so, awesome there, and it got pretty good at the end when they pushed Logan's sensitivity buttons (Logan is ALWAYS the most compelling when he's obsessively in love) and he decided to hunt down Tim Roth and waterboard him. So, yeah, Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars can DEFINITELY play a serial killer. I probably won't watch this show again because me and procedurals are usually not so much, but I will certainly be youtubing some key moments of him and Kristen Bell. Here's one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsoGjORfIUc&feature=related
Here's another: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zinyjGBboNI&feature=related
And here are many: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdCgzoTzIYc
Okay you know what? Fuck. After watching all those, this is me jumping belatedly onto your rant about Kristen Bell last week, JB. This is ridiculous. She and Jason Dohring did nothing but act the fuck out of everything they were given during three seasons of VM, they acted circles around so many of the other people in the cast, that entire show sat on her tiny little five foot one shoulders and she fucking KICKED ASS at it, and you're right, now she's slumming it in romantic comedyville most of the time while Katherine Heigl is the one reaping the rewards of similar slummery. Blah! It's okay. I have faith. We'll see her in something awesome again. We'll see both her AND Dohring in something awesome again. I have faith. I actually don't, but I'm trying to be optimistic here.

Glee
CC: "Break a leg." "I love you." That was it. That was the moment. That was perfect. That is all. Except it's not all, because: 1) Why was Quinn's baby born as an 8-month old? I've seen them get newborn-looking babies to play newborns on other shows, it can obviously be done, so I don't know why they opted to get a child who was practically a 2nd grader to play something that ostensibly had JUST been born. 2) What's this bullshit "you get one more year" storyline? If next year ends up being a complete rehash of this year, where every episode the supposed jeopardy is "you better make sectionals or Glee Club is OVER!", then I will actually WELCOME it if there's suddenly a ridiculous murder storyline like in FNL season 2. 3) I hated how they synced up the birth to the Vocal Adrenaline choreo. That seemed like they were just trying to be clever for no good reason. "Hey, look what we did!" You know what, I don't wanna look, cuz the sight of Jesse "crowning" is gross. 4) I don't need to see Mr. Schue playing the ukelele. The only thing that saved that was (say it with me) Puck. Oh, backtracking though, I loved the shot at Finn's dancing. That was adorable.
JB: Disagree re Bohemian Rhapsody cut to delivery scene. I will take five minutes trying too hard to be clever over nine weeks of wildly successful imbecility which is what we, as a nation,just endured. Agree on the `you get one more year' shenanigans. Have we ever discussed how much of Ryan Murphy's old teen-misfit series Popular he's recycling here? if I remember rightly, it's first season ended with the resident evil bitch donating her bone marrow to save a student she'd previously tormented. Two seconds into season 2, she was back to torture, blackmail and intimidation. Like the self-sacrifice never happened. I, too,feel a little Finn/Rachel love. It's The Way We Were with an iTunes playlist! Worst moment: Finn telling Mr Schue he showed him how to be be a man. Schue sobbed like a sickly little girl TWICE in one hour. In fact, it might have been thrice(Journey medley).He was so convincing as a blubbering girl that when an actual girl began weeping, her tears seemed forced and hollow. That's because they were fake-cried by Jenna Ushkowitz whose status as season-long worst actress might have been usurped by Amber Riley's impressive display of complete disinterest in the delivery room.

Pretty Little Liars
JB: Glee and Gossip Girl cast members, step forward. Lea Michelle and Leighton Meester, step back. Blake Lively, hover somewhere in the middle. The rest of you, take a look at this exciting new ABC Family show. Pay particular attention to the adult cast, the ones playing confused parents or disapproving authority figures. Holly Marie Combs. Laura Leighton. Chad Lowe. Nia Peeples. The dude who played the Finn role on Ryan Murphy's old teen-misfit series Popular. The girl who was Kendra The Vampire Slayer. They're your future. And the four teen actresses--sorry, the three teen actresses and the 27 year-old--playing The Lesbo, The Klepto, The Sister's Boyfriend-Stealer and The Teacher-Shagger--they're going to be the stars of your show. Apart from making me feel like the Ancient Mariner, this YA adaptation might actually work. It's got a story and that story is basically I Know What You Bitches Did Last Summer. The Pretty Little Liars themselves seem like Shitty Little Actors. But they don't have to be Janet McTeer. They just have to scream, run and cry while their supposedly dead bff terrorizes them them with texts about their terrible secrets.

Work Of Art
JB: Let me offer up a salute to Magical Elves, the production company responsible for Top Chef, Project Runway and most of Bravo's high-end competitions. I thought they might have come a cropper with this search for the next great artist. I thought that because I'm a short-attention span lowbrow with zero appreciation of art and, like a Real Housewife, I clearly believe the world revolves around me. Luckily, this show was made with clods like myself in mind. The first challenge paired off the artists and told them to paint each other's portrait. So, immediately, there's paranoia and trepidation. The old-lady artist teamed with the willowy young model chick, tells her , "You look like a proud pussy". The model's all `Why would she say that?" Cut to the model's earlier work: a scantily-clad self portrait with a star stuck over her proud...you get the idea. A photographer gets paired off with a shempy dude who lives in his truck and claims to have started painting six hours earlier. The only words out of his mouth over the entire course of the episode are `I'm untrained' and `I know nothin' about art'. That's his proud defense when he shows off the portrait of his partner as a John Wayne Gacy clown. Then there's Miles the OCD Guy aka Miles The Guy Who Tried To Snark Sarah Jessica Parker. I kind of buried the lead here: Work Of Art is exec-produced by SJP( here's my SATC2 review: forget those killjoys who tell you this sparkling sequel is racist. It's not, it's entertainmentist). Maybe-bland maybe-not host China Chow gushes 'Before we get started, here's our very special guest". Parker comes out and does her gracious, beaming, humble Queen of America thing and WHILE SHE'S SPEAKING, this Miles guy tries to fuck with her `And who are you?' he asks. You don't rattle SJP. She charmingly addresses him by name. But he can't stop. He tries to hit her again. "And what do you do?" Except by now, he's shivering with douche chills. Knows he shit the bed. Cut to him almost sobbing `Stupid. So stupid.' He's the despised OCD underdog who tried and failed to be funny. And then he wins the challenge with a silkscreen of his partner with her eyes closed that inspires the judges to rhapsodize about how he captured the moment of death. Meanwhile, the girl who got sent home did a painting of a bunch of falling leaves and said it captured her teammate's free spirit. Okay, art, I'm on board.
CC: What does "come a cropper" mean? Is it something delightfully scottish?
JB: http://www.amazon.com/Knickers-Twist-Dictionary-British-Slang/dp/1841958344/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276504811&sr=1-1

SYTYCD Wednesday
CC: Anthony Burrell WUZ ROBBED. Ryan Ramirez WUZ ROBBED. It was really, really hard to watch the people that didn't make it get rejected in their own HOUSES instead of on that stage like usual. That being said, I'm very happy for Alex Wong and Billy Bell and even that Robert Roldan guy I never heard of before, and of course I'm ELATED for cute little Kent Boyd (him freaking out in Vegas over getting to dance next to "Alex freakin' Wong and Anthony who could freakin' smash the crap outta me!" was just GOLD), but I'm sorry, his house is way too nice to count as podunk even if he's from podunkville (as a fellow midwesterner, frankly I didn't think it looked THAT bad, and although that cop thing was obviously a setup, I can certainly vouch for the hardassness of Ohio cops...don't speed in Ohio, people). Tyce continues to be unbearable. Tapper Girl is gonna be the Jessi Peralta of this year, isn't she? Come on. Don't tell me she passed her psych eval. She's gonna be rubbing oil all over her abs and stalking Pasha in about five minutes.

SYTYCD Thursday
CC: I realize there's gonna be a Kent backlash. I know it. It's gonna happen. But it hasn't happened for me yet-- that kid is fucking adorable. I mean, I was looking at Mark the whole time during the actual dance (and Wade certainly liked him some Mark and some Robert Roldan for that group number, no?), but in his interviews, he's just so damn cute! The same cannot be said for Tapper Girl. She did nothing for me during that Broadway, she continues to radiate bustedness, and I'm pretty sure calling herself an old soul during her 11-second interview was code for "I regularly blow that grizzled black guy who claims to be my tap dancing mentor and while he's distracted I steal his prescription painkillers." Also, as if I couldn't already hate Tyce enough, Cat Deeley tells us he worked with Tom Cruise and J.Lo this week, which can only mean he was responsible for that MTV Movie Awards debacle. Christ. But that Mia Michaels routine was great-- she was the only one of the choreographers who got the assignment right, in that she showcased the newbies to gorgeous effect and didn't, like, totally use the all-stars to steal the spotlight away from them, which happened to some extent in every other routine (and even after the routines...like, Dom, shut up, would you please? we get it. you and Cat have a thing. we know. show some goddamn respect for Jose. this is the show's fault for not sending the all-stars offstage right after each dance). But Cristina more or less held her own against Anya, which god knows is hard to do, and can we PLEASE talk about the smoldering awesomeness that is Robert Roldan? Good lord. Could not stop staring at him during the Wade routine, and he was great in Sonya's. Smolder smolder smolder. And then he opened his mouth and it was totally that hot-girl-you-wish-would-shut-up syndrome. Less cheery talky, more smolder dancy, Roldan. We'll get along much better that way. Also, I'm calling Ashley as this year's Kathryn. She got no airtime till now but is totally stealth good. Also I loved Cat's dress and shoes. Also here's my once-again-cheezy shout-out to a dancer who's grown since the last time we saw her: Allison! Wow. Wow. She was great at 18 but now? Wow. We should all have babies at a ridiculously young age and emerge on the other side with that much sass and presence.
JB: What a week for comedy. First, Tom Cruise revives his hilarious movie producer character. Then Lythgoe takes a cross country road trip. Hilarious. And he didn't look like a tool in his Beckham shirt. I'm still bad with the names but I'm guessing Froderman and The Farmboy( kind of presumptive of Cat to ask him about his ideal woman, hmm?) are this year's Mollee and The Other Guy. Might have been a bit unfortunate to make such a big deal of introducing the new director--seriously, can you remember the last time ANY show did that?-- and then the rest of the night was like, Why is the camera way back there, why can't I see the new people, I don't know who anyone is. But that could just be me and my difficulties.
CC: It's not just you.

Next Food Network Star
JB: Lee DeWyze is not going to sell records. Whoever won ANTM is not going to be a top model.Work Of Art will not produce the next great artist. But the winner of the Next Food Network Star actually gets to be what the title promises. I'm a fan of any show that makes its contestants justify why they should be on TV and Next Food Network Star is RIGOROUS. In addition to cooking skills, it demands you come with a fully-developed personality, that you have a workable and unique pitch for the show you might win and that your on-camera skills are top-notch. I've called the last three winners early on-- yay, me--but this year is more difficult. I know who I want to win: an LA-based Indian food blogger named Aarti. She's not unpleasant to look at, she's got a voice that, I think mellifluous is the correct term. She already knows she wants her show to be called Aarti's Paarti. There's an unfilled void for an Indian cooking show on the network. She won this week's outdoor cooking challenge. She's the whole package. If only being the Next Food Network Star didn't involve cameras. Because that's Aarti's one flaw. She freezes. Her mouth goes dry. Her brain shuts down. And I feel her pain ( one day I'll tell you about the pilot I did for Britain's Channel 4. There's a reason I can't go back to the UK). Also, she did something that won my eternal affection but , on American TV, is tantamount to declaring yourself an undying servant of the Lord Satan. When host Bobby Flay asked her if she was comfortable with the task of catering to 100 people, Aarti said no. When asked why, she mumbled, `Because I never think I can do any..." She stopped short of saying the word `anything', but you could see the shock in the judges' eyes. I hope Aarti's journey from crippling self-doubt to full-on confidence will be the arc that wins her this thing. Cuz if it's not her, it's gonna be the babbling Italian chick who's like a coked-up Rachel Weisz. Actually, that won't happen because Giada's got the mentor role this season and, as much as Giada doesn't particularly want anyone to do well, she is NOT HAVING another perky Italian trying to take her spot.
CC: Were you on camera in this pilot? Because in that case, "one day" needs to be RIGHT NOW.

Tonys
CC: Okay, Catherine Zeta-Jones Shatnering her way through Send In the Clowns was hilariously unintentionally hilarious. And watching Matthew Morrison do all his normal Mr. Schue schtick, but on a STAGE, was surprisingly bearable and even entertaining. Like, THIS is what this guy should be doing, all the time. He's great at it, so get him off my TV and put him back in the theater from whence he came. Lea Michele brought it-- duh-- and sang in Jay-Z's face-- huh?-- and then a lot of stuff happened with people I never heard of which was boring but then a lot of people I HAVE heard of won stuff, which made me sad for the people I never heard of because come on, it can't be fun to toil in the theater for years and years and years, only to have ScarJo show up in her Broadway debut and steal your award while also getting to be married to Ryan Reynolds who is hot and hilarious and has always been so and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Friday, June 11, 2010

Mixtape Club: Special 90s Dance-Pop Bullshit Special!

Captain Hollywood Project. `More And More'. Who was Captain Hollywood? What was the Project? If it was to fill the early 90s airwaves with mush-mouthed European rappers barely up to the the task of phonetically delivering their nonsense rhymes, then: success.

And if you thought you'd never have to hear Montell Jordan again, head over to http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva and either be bitterly disappointed or pleasantly surprised. Or bitterly surprised. Or pleasantly disappointed...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Mixtape Club: Special 90s Dance-Pop Bullshit Special!

K7. `Come Baby Come'. If this isn't a perfect Glee rehearsal room number, I don't know what is. I can see it now. Finn, Puck, Artie, Mike Chang, the nameless black dude. Just don't let Mr Schue rap.

(Also, CC's got something hot going on at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva. Plus she's put another tune up.)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Mixtape Club: Special 90s Dance-Pop Bullshit Special!

I'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer:

And to check out what CC is dredging up from the depths, mosey over to: http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Mixtape Club: Special 90s Dance-Pop Bullshit Special!

So, in the most recent edition of TV Club we were talking about the last, piss-poor, episode of Glee and how the only thing not piss-poor about it was the Marky Mark song. Which caused us to go off on a very entertaining tangent about what other 90s dance-pop songs they should attempt.
And now we're turning that tangent into it's own spin-off! Like Angel or Torchwood or Joey!

Over the next...let's say a week, maybe more, probably less, CC and myself will post up classics from the soundtrack of an imaginary Glee ep where Mr Schue tells the kids to explore the world of 90s dance-pop bullshit.

My choice today. This actually came out in 1989 but I'm going to insist it bled into the 90s.

Black Box. `Ride On Time'.

Monday, June 7, 2010

TV Club Can't Be Tamed!


Shatter stereotypes with a non-alcoholic Scot here and a non-tech-savvy Asian at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva


Glee
CC: Oh my fucking god, this show makes me so angry. I love so much about it. I love so many of the people on it. And yet. AND YET. Okay, first of all, whatever the FUCK that thing was where Mr. Schue was "seducing" Jane Lynch or whatever, it was unwatchable (see, I can't quite describe it because I COULD NOT WATCH IT and therefore am not quite sure what it was). The few seconds of it I saw made my skin crawl. That ENTIRE FUCKING STORYLINE made my skin crawl. I don't need to see it. I don't need to see Mr. Schue trying to be all sexy or whatever, and you know what, while I'm at it, I don't need to see his reaction shots to ANY of the songs EVER again. Plus, stop saying "funk"! How the FUCK many times did various people say that fucking word in this ep? WE GET IT! WE FUCKING *FUNK*ING GET IT! Shut the fuck up! Also? ALSO? How WEIRD was that pregnant girl dance? No! No thank you! I'm happy Dianna Agron got to sing, I thought she sounded good, from what I heard of it through my CRINGING at the pregnant backup dancers doing all their weird moves (like...have them be pregnant or not...if they're all really hugely pregnant, why the fuck would they choreograph some of those way-too-dancery moves for them, but at the same time, GROSS to the moves that were like, aggressively pregnant stomachy ones, and the fact that Courtney Galiano was one of the dancers did not make up for any of this). Most of the music in this episode sucked and most of the scenes were positively anger-making. The writing. Again. WHYYY??!!!! BUT. There is a silver lining. PUCK is the silver lining. He was adorbs during Loser, even though they cut that song off way too early, and he and Finn were SUPER SUPER ADORBS during Good Vibrations (and Puck was ABSOLUTELY ADORBSEST when he was doing that floor move...that cracked my ass up). Also, a STELLAR use of Mercedes there. Can they please do every single C+C Music Factory song now too? Thank you. Seriously, how cute/hot were those boys tonight? And wasn't it a bummer that Harry Shum didn't get to dance with them, you could just see him itching to jump right off that chair. Anyway, so I watched Good Vibrations like six times and large parts of the rest of the episode not at all. By the way, why is the lead girl in Vocal Adrenaline 40?
JB:So now I have to remove Tell Me Something Good from my iPod and my eyes from my face. How funky was that climactic performance of Give Up The Funk? As funky as a slice of Wonder Bread. With a dollop of mayonnaise on top. Being eaten by Kirk Cameron. At the premiere of his powerful new movie God Just Likes Me Better, Jew. Only thing that saved this episode which, I believe Fox ran out of sequence so they could show the Gaga one the week of the Idol finale, and that was Marky Mark. James Brown? George Clinton? Not in this talented ensemble's wheelhouse. The Funky Bunch. Totally in their lane. I might have been fooled by their thesping abilities but it looked like Puck and Finn were way into it, too. I'm sorry to say I was distracted from the mysteries of the Groff storyline and the totally organic, believable sisterhood developing between Quinn and Mercedes by obsessing over what other 90s radio hits could be ripe for reinterpretation. Here Comes The Hotstepper? Pump Up The Jam? Gonna Make You Sweat? *checks CC's post* You took the C&C Music Factory out of my mouth! Nobody takes the C&C Music factory out of my mouth. Stay away from 90s dance-pap. That's my territory. I'll give you grunge. I'll give you Loser. But that's it.
CC: 3am Eternal by KLF? :)
JB: Hands off the Ancients of Mu-Mu!


SYTYCD Wednesday
CC: Awwww! Kent Boyd is just the cutest thing ever! He's way too young for this right now but good lord, bring that kid back when he's 22 and has got some more life lived in him. Just adorable. ADORABLE! I like Alexie Agdeppa better this year for some reason. Maybe cuz she was just so gosh-darn smiley. Also, I'm already aware that Ryan Ramirez did NOT make it, and sorry, but Ryan wuz robbed. The fact that Lauren Froderman made it over her? A crime. A travesty. Now, I fully believe that they're just saving Ryan for next season, but come on. ENOUGH with the SUPER-genero Mollee-ish blondes, Nigel. I mean, you REALIZE what happened to Kherington, right? KHERINGTON'S A FUCKING PUSSYCAT DOLL NOW. This is what happens to your genero blondes! If you have to go blonde, which I know you have to do, can it at least be a Ryan Ramirez type? *sigh* Wait. Holy shit. I just read-- I hadn't-- I read the spoilers before but I didn't realize that Kent Boyd made it. Holy shit! Kent Boyd FTW! (There's no way he's gonna win. I'll probably be really angry and sad the first time they make him do a latin dance with Anya and the whole thing just looks pervy and ridiculous and he fails miserably, because there is just literally no way that anything other than that would happen should that pairing occur...I mean, imagine it. IMAGINE HIM TRYING TO DO THE SAMBA WITH ANYA. He would literally be scorched right off the stage. But right now I loooove him as I would love a small kitten that showed up on my doorstep.) I do not feel the same way about Tapper Girl, who makes the top 10. She seems like someone who would be sneaking out of rehearsal to do drugs every five seconds and then when she runs out of drugs, do whatever it takes to get more drugs, if you catch my shady-sexual-favors-in-exchange-for-drugs drift.

SYTYCD Thursday
CC: Oh my god. Bryan Gaynor. I cried. I'm not kidding. I was crying right along with Joey Dowling, and it was the weirdest thing, but that's what happened. Because here's what happened: they show Bryan Gaynor, and I'm like YES! THAT GUY! Because we all remember him, cuz he's awesome. And then blah blah, catching up the people who don't know about the scoliosis and whatnot. And then he starts dancing, and holy shit. Because-- okay, first of all, it's always great to see people on this show improve over the years. Like, it's one of the REALLY great things about this show-- you see someone audition, and because people keep coming back, and they keep training in the meantime, most of the time, they get better. They really do. And it's just awesome to watch someone improve like that. Also, as people get older and get more life experience, they connect with the music more, their performance quality gets better, blah blah, all that stuff that the judges are always talking about and maybe it sounds cheezy but it's also all true. Anyway, so here's Bryan Gaynor, and you obviously know he's gonna kick ass, cuz that's what he does, and he starts dancing, and...oh my god. Because. He's gotten better. HE'S BETTER THAN HE WAS LAST TIME. Last time he did Ain't No Other Man and it was great and hilarious and wow-worthy, but this time, whatever that song was-- oh, it was Fireflies by Owl City-- it was-- like...he's GROWN, dude. He's matured as a performer. His musicality was great before but now it's off the charts, and picking that song just made it more emotional somehow (and I didn't even like that song before). Like, a few years ago-- and by the way, can I just add that yes, he has scoliosis, but it's not even about that, I mean, the show talks about it and yes we know it's there and yes that sucks, but this is not about that, and it's also not about the fact that this whole thing was clearly prearranged just so they could invite his crew on the show, which is gonna be awesome-- no, it's about the fact that he is LITERALLY THE BEST HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET AT DOING WHAT HE DOES, AND HE'S GOTTEN EVEN BETTER OVER TIME. It was apparent SO quickly once he started dancing, and tears literally SPRANG to my eyes, and I was like WTF is going on, and then Joey Dowling's crying and smiling through tears, and I'm crying and smiling through tears, and I rewound it like 10 times, and that is so awesome that he has a crew now, and can they please audition for ABDC stat, because THEY'VE ALREADY WON. Okay? If the rest of his crew is anywhere near his level, or even if they're not? HIS CREW HAS ALREADY WON ABDC. Okay, that is more or less out of my system. Onto other things: yay, Alex Wong is back! And holy shit, Billy Bell got better too! I didn't even like him last year, really, I thought he was too much of a little kid, but his Vegas solo tonight was stellar-- sooo dramatic, and then boom, at the end he's back again to a cute little kid. Also, Anthony Burrell got robbed...I really liked him, and I know he didn't make it, and that sucks. Also, that girl with the Marge Simpson hair, I have NOOOO idea why they like her so much, because she is super annoying and totally anorexic. By the way, I might weirdly love Toni Redpath. She's sort of like this sexy older bitch, and then she was being super mean during choreo which was oddly compelling, but then she's got interesting, nice things to say a lot of the time during judging (although I have NO IDEA why the fuck she practically straddled that meth head-- I didn't watch his backstory, I don't know if he was actually a meth head, but there's some drug thing there, right?). She found that sexy? She wanted to bang that? Huh? Anyway. I apologize for the length and complete incomprehensibility of everything I just wrote, but you see, people, I LOVE THIS SHOW. I love it so fucking much I don't even know what to do with myself.
JB: How the fuck do you...I do not remember ONE name of ONE person I saw on either of these shows. I remember the bug-eyed meth guy. I remember brittle bone hair chick ( if I had any punning skills, I might call her Crapunzel. But I don't). I remember the Iranian girl who, from the way they're previewing her dramatic `I have to leave the show' announcement, probably ends up not leaving the show. I was literally about to type the question: have we seen Toni Redpath before? Once again, you beat me to it. Stop beating me to things. I have so few things. Didn't you get a `Is that Scarlett Johansson's hot mom?' vibe first time you saw her? And then she displayed human emotions so, clearly not a member of that family. Yeah, liked her when she got all breathless and humid over the drug guy. Liked her even more when she started yelling in Vegas. Which brings me to...what's the story with Mary Murphy? Has being demoted to occasional choreographer sucked the air out of her lungs? Where once she was voluble, now we barely hear a peep out of her. Not that I'm complaining.

Party Down
JB: Warning: don protective eyewear and, perhaps, a bib. Because I'm about to spray superlatives all over the place. Fantastic episode.UK-Office-level great. Lizzy Caplan has never been more adorable(am I going down the adorbs road? Nope.) Just enough Caplan/ Adam Scott to make you want to root for them as a couple. The Ken Marino story was a mix of slapstick and heartache and redemption and then more heartache. Ryan Hansen + Martin Starr= comedy gold. I never quite got Megan Mullally's character until this week but she finally fit right in. And something happened that hasn't happened in a long time and, I'm relatively certain, will not happen again for an even longer time. Kristin Bell was great. Which is not to say that Kristin Bell isn't great because she absolutely is, it's just that she's picked a career path which only rewards people when they're really, really not great at all. Can't fault her for chasing those Heigl romantic-comedy paydays but it's painful to think we'll never again get a chance to see her play a scary, stone-faced, heartbroken bitch.

Oprah. (That's right, Oprah!)
JB: Last time I watched Oprah? James Frey. Hilarious. The badass in the book who fought, fucked drunk and drugged his way into oblivion didn't show up for the taping. The guy who answered to Frey's name had a trembly lip and a squeaky Mickey Mouse voice and he flinched when Oprah made her displeasure known. This time, I wanted to see if Sarah Ferguson would get a similar spanking. I'm going to say I feel a bit bad for Fergie. I think she's kind of a Countess LuAnn figure who'd cheerfully booze, vacation and freeload her way through life. Except that Diana died. Which left a void for a people's princess. And the harder she tried to fill it, the more the British public and the press disliked her. (Not only is she no Diana, she's not even the main Fergie anymore). So now she's embroiled in this scandal where a British tabloid caught her on tape selling access to her ex-husband and, rather than address it in the Uk where's it's headline news, she went on Oprah to clear her name. Or something. This wasn't James Frey. Oprah wanted to understand. She wanted to empathize. She wanted to hear Fergie's story. But Fergie couldn't remember her story. So she tried a bunch of different tactics. She third-personned: "The person on that tape is a Sarah I do not recognize." She started to go the I'm-an-addict-a-hopeless-addict route: "From an early age, I made food my friend." She double-whammied with her charity work and the wisdom of wounded children: "I think of my time in Sierra Leone and how little Mohammed told me `I forgive the man who shot my leg off'" She tried the new beginning tactic. "I feel like I've been peeled like an onion. Like I'm finally free to fly. It's a new beginning. I'm so blessed." Oprah kept trying to steer her back to the tape. The incriminating tape where she's knocking back malt whiskey, puffing on cigarettes and negotiating the handing over of a briefcase stuffed with a half-million pounds for an introduction to Prince Andrew. You know how sometimes you find yourself sitting at bar and the people next to you are talking loud enough that you can't help but overhear their conversation even though the names and the situations mean nothing to you? That's what Fergie's explanation was like. It. Made. No . Sense. It wasn't for her. It was for her fiend. And it wasn't a half million pounds. It was 40,000 pounds. Except that she suddenly decided she was going to ask for a half million. Because she knew the guy with the briefcase was actually a reporter. Even though he was passing himself off as a businessman. It made so little sense that Oprah, who was not there to be hostile, who clearly wanted a clean confession, a few tears and the opportunity to offer wisdom and compassion, had to stop her and say `"What are you talking about?" At which point, Fergie descended even deeper into a labyrinth of confusion and lies. Oprah was staring at her like, `This bitch is crazy'. Eventually, she ended the show with the statement, "I am looking at a morally bankrupt person." Fergie looked pleased and said "That's genius." Next stop: Dancing With The Stars or Bravo. Or more scandals. Probably all three.

True Beauty/Losing It With Jillian/ America's Got Talent/ Half-Pint Brawlers/Downtown Girls/The OCD Project
JB: A shitload of new shows started last week. I will never watch any of them again. But, of the fragments I did see, here are my findings:
True Beauty: I was like an angry baby on a plane trying to sit through this. Some kind of model prank show. Went nowhere.
Losing It With Jillian: Never watched Biggest Loser. Mad-looking trainer moves in with fat family, yells at them, finds out deep dark secret, makes them cry, hugs them.
America's Got Talent: Okay, so Britain's Got Talent produces stars, obsesses the entire country, has the best hosts on UK TV and treats Piers Morgan as the shit under Simon Cowell's shoes. The US version takes a different approach.
Half-Pint Brawlers: Midget wrestlers. I hit delete when a stripper staplegunned a five dollar bill to a dwarf ballsack. Because I'm mature.
Downtown Girls: Hey, this new MTV show about a relationship blogger in New York and her friends , the publicist, the lawyer and the...uh..other chick sounds just like...*click*...
The OCD Project: a houseful of compulsive handwashers, lightswitch flickers and face touchers. A shiny-headed doctor who tries to shock them out of their rituals by licking their shoes. I might keep watching this.

Britain's Got Talent
JB: An incredibly regimented gymnastic team won. No gimmicks. No sob stories. Just hard work and pure talent. Now let's watch a clip of the creepy semi-finalists who claim to be father and son: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5p8AbbXQEg
CC: What the FUCK??? (I like that I can usually predict what I'm going to say to these clips even before I watch them, and I like that it's always what the fuck, and I like that it always indeed ends up being what the fuck.) Because seriously...what the fuck?

MTV Movie Awards
CC: Did Anna Kendrick always have those boobs? Oh, by the way JB, if you're already shocked that I can remember names of SYTYCD people, check it: one of Katy Perry's backup dancers was Paula Van Oppen, who was never even in the top 20. That routine had blowjob choreography, didn't it? I wasn't really paying attention but I'm pretty sure there was some in there. Not a big deal compared to Christina's light-up vagina heart. How did she get that idea? Did she wake up one morning and go, "You know what? Light-up vagina heart, that's what," and then her husband was like "Cool" and then she was like "I know" and then her kid was like "Waaah!" and then she was like "Light-up vagina heart." Probably that's exactly how that happened. What else. I really liked KStew's outfit. I thought Jessica Alba looked great. I thought watching Katie Holmes watch Tom Cruise dance was weird. I think Zac Efron is really hot and I don't know when that happened, but it's happened. And I liked Aziz Ansari's thing about only being able to sit on purple things. I feel like I should have more to say but it ultimately didn't turn out to have any really super memorable wtf moments or anything, not really. KStew almost fell down a couple times, right? Par for the course. Let's just say that still, to this very day, nobody has been able to beat this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTLDLWhgV1c
JB: Yeah, Katie Holmes. It was like halfway through she suddenly realized, "That bald guy is the famous actor, Tom Cruise!" Halfway through Katy Perry's song, Russell Brand had this look on his face like, "I think I've made a terrible mistake." Lindsay Lohan looks great for 47. Sandra Bullock: so brave! And, hey, did you notice Angelina Jolie was nominated for Salt which isn't out for two months? I think I'm done with awards shows. Except, it's the Tonys next week and I actually paid to see some shows so I feel like I'm invested. But after that, I'm definitely done...

Saturday, June 5, 2010

My Back Pages


A long time ago, I was in a group. We made one record and then faded away. Clearly, there's a little more to the story than that. One day I may go into it. But probably not. The point being, even though that record sold less than my books currently do, the few people who liked it back in the day still like it now. Some of them even write extremely complimentary posts on their blog about it.


Thanks guys.

(Can't wait for the glowing Hottie reappraisals in 2034)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

You Look Terrible, TV Club Looks Amazing!



Get your fix here or attempt to get clean at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Glee
JB: When Mike O'Malley went into the `Would you call that cheerleader a retard?' section of his big speech, I was like, `Is he talking about Brittany?" And then, `Oh, there's that other cheerleader, the one who...right, I get it."That was a standing-O performance and I'm sure fathers and sons were weeping into each other's arms all across the country but this Kurt-loves-Finn plot is kind of creeping me out. De-gay it and it's a story about a stalker who manipulates two single parents together so he can have instant access to his prey. If that was a boy/girl scenario, you'd be rooting for the girl to unload a hail of bullets into his nutsack. But you know what I hated more than that? Every word out of Mr. Schue's mouth: "I've been reading about the Haus of Gaga!", "Alright, little monsters..." Nobody thinks the teacher who tries to be cool is cool.
CC: I hate Glee more than any of the other shows I've loved. There were SO MANY things wrong with-- you know what, I don't even feel like starting. It exhausts me. Nitpicking the writing exhausts me. And nitpicking isn't even the right word because that implies I'm finding little tiny problems with it instead of big huge ones. But again, exhausting, and I do have tons of love to give here, so instead I'll just say that I am elated that Harry Shum got to talk, and that he was adorable doing that little cat gesture, and I absolutely loved "Beth." Okay. Next.

SYTYCD
JB: Note to director Lythgoe: please consider cutting back on the long, lingering reaction shots of judge Lythgoe and let us enjoy the efforts of the people who dance. It was a delight to see Shankman and Mia return but then they did this THING. They do it every season. I know they're going to do it but it still makes me sick. A person described by Mia Michaels as a `woman of size' auditioned. She was pretty good. Shankman starts crying. Mia starts crying. It's the You-are-beautiful-no-matter-what-they-say-moment. Shankman and Mia compete through their tears to exaggerate the sizey woman's brilliance and to berate themselves for their own prejudices. And then, just as they've done to deaf dancers and dwarf dancers in the past, they usher the big girl through to choreography and then crush her dreams and send her home. Which they were always going to do because THERE ARE NO SUSAN BOYLES IN DANCE. The dude who positioned himself as Legacy 2.0 looked like he sucked as badly dancing with a partner as the hefty chick. He sailed through to Vegas. Why? because he's a skinny guy with a million dollar smile and he can spin on his head. If anyone from SNL, or someone funny, was watching, the hideously inappropriate father/daughter team are your next recurring characters.
CC: *jumps up and down* It's back! It's back! It's back! It's back! :D But it's the audition shows where the ratio of things you actually want to see as compared to things that are just a huge, gigantic timesuck is like 98 to 1. Wait. Reverse that. Yeah. Oh, but remember when Giselle Peacock auditioned season 1 with her husband, Artem, and he made it and she didn't and they got divorced and then later he was dating Carrie-Ann Inaba? Cuz I remember.

American Idol
JB: A long time ago, I used this demented little platform of ours to suggest the next series of SYTYCD adopt an all-star format which, more or less, is exactly what has happened. That's an indication of the power and influence we wield here at TV Club. So here's a further recommendation. Give American Idol to Ryan Murphy. He knows music. God knows he knows themes. He knows talent and he knows how to put on a show. These are alien concepts to everyone currently employed on Idol. I've watched Simon Cowell enough to know that he generally means the exact opposite of everything he says. So when he delivered his farewell speech and he said `The show will go on', he was actually saying "The show will decline and it will be excruciating to watch." When he stood in front of a battalion of ex-winners and runners-up and told America, "You're the real judges and you've done an incredible job," his true meaning was "Look at this mess: two stars and a bunch of Broadway cast members. Thanks for the cash, you inbred colonial peasant scum."

I just want to say something about Ellen starting a label to showcase the talents of that little Paparazzi piano prodigy. I know how this is going to end. It's going to end like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=za76HcGordY

Brandy & Ray J
JB: Okay, backstory: first time I flew JetBlue, I discovered Giada and we all know how that turned out. A few months later, I sat through an iCarly marathon and deplaned convinced I'd seen the reincarnation of the traditional laughtrack sitcom. So much so that I went home and hit Record Series on the DVR. What a mistake that turned out to be. I flew to New York last month. Hence, Brandy and Ray J. The premise they've concocted here is that Brandy and Ray J's momager--a legit hardass phonethrower-- realizes she's used up the best years of her life steering her kids' careers so now she wants them to step up and take control. This sets up a bunch of storylines. One is about mom and pops, who's kind of a jazz-funk Yoda figure, rebuilding their relationship. Fast forward through that shit. Another is kind of a black Entourage with Ray J and his crew. This seems like it's not going to go anywhere but actually pays off in the end when Ray promises to put his rapper buddy on a track and then stabs him in the back. But the main reason to watch this series is to see Brandy get kicked in the teeth. If you have any kind of life, you might not recall her previous reality effort, an MTV show chronicling her blossoming from America's sweetheart to young wife and mom. You might also have forgotten that the dude identified as her onscreen husband came forward and denied they were married. That the whole show was a sham and a lie designed to protect it's star's image. The existence of a daughter is entirely erased from this series but that's the only time any concession is made to protect Brandy's image. Her career is at a standstill. Her own mother laughs in her face when she attempts to remake herself as a rapper. She seethes with jealousy at the fact that everyone considers her brother--who made his name with a sextape and a dating show-- the bigger star. She throws a tantrum and actually accuses her mom of liking Ray-J better. (And she totally does! He calls her by her first name, shows up late and hungover to meetings, enjoys a mid-day lapdance and she treats him like she just gave birth to him.) An entire episode is devoted to the chance that the rapper Flo-Rida might ask her to be his Grammy date. She buys a whole new wardrobe, gets her hair done, spends an eternity agonizing about what the media will make of them, whether they'll be perceived as the hot new couple or whether they'll just be seen as friends...and then he blows her off. And then, in the series finale, her publicist basically tells her, the only thing about her anyone is interested in is the accident. Of course! Brandy was involved in an car wreck a few years ago. The other driver died. There was an out-of-court settlement. If this show avoided any mention of her daughter, I was pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere near The Accident. But it went there. She spent the entire episode getting terrible, conflicting advice, from her family about whether she should go on Larry King or Oprah. She cried through the whole hour. Eventually, she decides against it and that's probably the only moment in the entire series where she hasn't been portrayed as a giant loser.

Britain's Got Talent
CC: What the FUCK?
JB: And, from the first semi-final...THIS which at the time of writing I am going to describe as the funniest thing i have ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcYYqUYRI_k

Eurovision Song Contest:The Final
JB: My plan was to fast-forward through this, only stopping when something bizarre happened. I stopped a lot. I stopped at the Spanish entry which was soy-bombed by a stage invader:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQwTtklX2Wk I stopped at the Russian one which looks like it's being performed by a group of suicidal off-duty trawlermen. This is a hellish dirge but I urge you to stick with it for the unexpected bit of stagecraft which shows up at the start of verse 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx516tQ-2vg I stopped at the Ukraine entry. I don't know for certain if the singer is an Eastern bloc sex-trafficker's brilliant, damaged teenage girlfriend but I'd be disappointed if she wasn't: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xdgr8g_eurovision-2010-ukraine-alyosha-swe_music And, of course, I stopped at the UK which was written by the team who pumped out all those Kylie Minogue, Bananarama, Dead Or Alive and Rick Astley hits in the 80s. That is correct, the team who haven't produced a hit in over twenty years. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRpGGs8fcsg&feature=fvsr Catchy song. Charismatic singer. Inventive choreography. That's what Britain was missing. Which was why, once again, we ended up DEAD LAST.
CC: Ukraine is what Abbie Cornish would be if she were a vampire. Not a judgment-- I have neither a positive nor a negative opinion of a potential Vampire Cornish-- just a statement of fact.

Best Thing I Ever Ate
CC: Rookie mistake, show! The theme this week was grilled, and they started off with this truly awesome-looking mongolian pork chop, and then followed it up with...oysters. Um, no, guy whose name I forget. Despite what you claim, the first thing you think when you think "grilled" is not oysters. I respect that everyone has to come up with something different or else you'd just get eight steaks in a row (which would be fine by me, actually), but...oysters? Especially AFTER you've done this awesome giant pork chop? Come on. And then this other guy picked korean BBQ. Now, korean BBQ can be superfucking good, yes, but then he gets all excited about all the different little dishes they bring out with it as if this is the only restaurant that does that, when EVERY korean restaurant does that. That's their whole thing. Also, they put so much makeup/spray tan on Michael Chiarello that he was practically unrecognizable. Like, his face literally looked like a different person's face. Or rather, like Michael Chiarello's face but melted in an oven and then left at room temperature to firm up a little bit, but only just a little. No Giada this week. Sorry, JB.

NJ Housewives
CC: Okay, there's "so bad it's good" and there's "so bad it's just plain uncomfortable to watch and I took no pleasure in any of this whatsoever and even typing this right now is giving me the heebie-jeebies." This episode, with all of Danielle's delusional statements and shady-doesn't-even-begin-to-cover-it friends, was the latter. Bigtime. Also, I was horrified to discover that I own the same dress as Scary Blond Lady. I may have to burn it now anyway, but trust me when I say that it looks better on someone who is not a five hundred fucking year old zombie bitch.

Party Down
CC: Season 2's best ep yet. If this show were Spartacus, this would be the one where the guy with the huge dick gets his huge dick cut off. Which hopefully means that next week someone's getting the comedy equivalent of their face smashed into a marble step. Awesome.
JB: Magnicifent! Farce!