Monday, December 13, 2010

TV Club Has A Cold! least this half does. The healthier half is at


CC: "I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff." Rarely do I go
quoteable on this show, but this? From the mouth of Harry Shum? So
meta it's beautiful, and beautiful even if it weren't meta. And I'm a
person who has zero problem with Channing Tatum being in stuff.
JB: Every episode of Glee is already a Christmas episode.

The Sing-Off
CC: Well the high school kids failed and got rightfully booted, then
the Whiffs were actually really good and got wrongfully booted. Boo.
Not okay. Especially when the sellouts and the vocal jazz nonsense
people are still around. But I guess none of it matters since
Committed is totally winning this whole thing, which we already knew,
but which was aggressively reconfirmed because once again with the
blatant pimping (nobody else keeps getting cuts to the judges going
ballistic while they're singing). And they're singing I Want It That
Way next? PUH. LEEZE. Just tell me where I can buy the album
already and let's all move on.
JB:The Whiffenpoofs already have the world on a plate. Don't waste a second of sympathy on these privileged elitists. So says the disgruntled alumnus of Glasgow College of Technology. If we've learned one thing from TV talent shows, it's this: the journey is everything. Yes, Committed probably has it all sewn up, but don't count out the oldsters. Staying power. Inspirational. Also, the judges totally empathize with the crushed rock star dreams of the Southern singer with the high keening voice. Redemption. Second chance. Just saying.

Top Chef All-Stars
CC: Jen wuz robbed.

Vampire Diaries
CC: Okay, the scenes with Caroline watching over Tyler as he wolfed
out were, like, totally NOT warm and fuzzy but somehow they were also
warm and fuzzy, because my god! The caring! The friendship! The
genuine worry about how he was doing and the horror of seeing him go
through the pain! It was like gender-flipped childbirth. With more
chains. Or maybe less chains or the same amount of chains, I don't
know, it's a crazy world out there and maybe that's how some moms
JB: Shout-out to Vampire Diaries B-Team! Candice Accola and--I IMDB'd him!-- Michael Trevino have got themselves a storyline. Wolfnephew, in particular, sold the shit out of his big we-don't-have-an-FX-budget--so-this-is-all-on-you transformation moment. As of right now, I'm way less invested in the moonstone shenanigans as I am in knowing how Tyler/Caroline plays out. They're best friends but they're mortal enemies. And rarely-seen nice guy Matt has yet to find out the truth about his girlfriend and his best bud.(Question: is Aunt Jenna now surpassing Joyce Summers in protracted obliviousness?)

CC: I did this thing of I started watching it, and then halfway
through I had to pause and go do something and then I forgot that I
hadn't watched the whole thing and erased it. Whoops. Took them long
enough to explain that frickin' computer chatting program, by the way.
We've only been wondering what the FUCK is up with that thing since
the beginning of the season. Did anyone else find it totally
distracting that at one point Nikita and Alex were both wearing
basically the same magenta-ish lip color and had the same verrry
narrow dark blond highlights? Just me? Okay. The lip color is
seriously distracting though. I've noticed it previously on Alex.
I'm not making this up. It is in no way a neutral. I don't know what
the makeup department is thinking. Nobody's putting that color on
just to walk around in their sweatpants in their ubersecret deadly
assassin training facility. Nobody!
JB: Did not register the lip color. Except that I found myself thinking a few times, ` Are they gonna kiss?' (They're in a high pressure situation. It's not unheard of). Maggie Q's big "She's loose!" scene with the chains was potentially iconic and cut away from way too prematurely. Her rampage through Division was absurd and badass and I could have watched it for an hour. Robin Givens is still acting? Did not know that.

CC: Tiny harmonica solo!
JB: I have watched approximately eight thousand hours of X Factor and Idol and I don't think I've ever seen people as oblivious to how horribly they're singing as Paul McCartney and his band. I have watched Bill Hader play approximately eight thousand characters and Stefon is the only one he can't get through without cracking up. And wouldn't this have been a good week to bring The Miley Cyrus Show back?

Friday Night Lights
JB: Everyone's suffering because of this humiliating storyline about Julie Taylor sleeping with her married TA. Julie's suffering because Mrs TA whacked her in the face in front of the school causing her to run home and refuse to go back. The Taylors are suffering because their glowing self-image as perfect nurturers just took a dent. How can they be the immaculate parents they think they are if they raised such a nitwit? The team's suffering because Coach is so bent out of shape he misses delivering his send-out speech(Billy Riggins--unsung hero of this season! steps in and KILLS! )The show suffers because they get the coach to the game with seconds to spare, giving him just enough time to tell his guys "How you play tonight is who you are for the rest of your lives" AND THEN WE DON'T SEE THE GAME! The next scene is the victory celebration! The suffering is about to continue with Vince's ex-con dad who beat up a drug dealer for hassling his boy. No problem with that. But once he'd kicked the shit out of the guy, Vince's dad took away his gun. Guns and Friday Night Lights are not a good fit.

X Factor
JB: The Final! The winner--not a surprise to anyone but Simon Cowell who was convinced his boy band were set to take the crown and threw quite a sulk when they lost-- was a girly-voiced housepainter called Matt Cardle who seems set to join the ranks of Kris Allen, Lee DeWyze and last year's already-forgotten winner as male singers beloved by women who have no intention of ever buying their records. Here's Matt's celebrity duet. Be glad you're not watching this in 3D otherwise you'd run the risk of a detached retina from his boner:

And here's the runner-up who has a shot at a career if she does more stuff like this and less of the snoozy ballads she did on every other show:

Movie Club

Black Swan
CC: This shit was awesome and makes me very much want to go slowly,
dramatically mad, or just lose a lot of weight so I can look amazing
in multiple layers of body-skimming sweats/tanks/shrugs made of very
cozy-looking, soft materials.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Monday, December 6, 2010

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like TV Club!

What happens in TV Club here, also happens in TV Club at

CC: UNLEASH HEATHER MORRIS! She is a caged beast, UNLEASH HER! Well they sort of did, thank god, during Valerie, but all the rest of the time, you can just see her practically jumping out of her skin wanting to do better choreography, it's like all that aggressive dance talent is just simmering below the surface, except it's not simmering, it's boiling over the whole time, because they NEED TO GIVE HER MORE TO DO but anyway, I didn't like that Train song and of course, now I like that Train song, thanks to the Dalton Academy guys who actually DO A CAPPELLA UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS SHOW. Argh. Is what I say. Yet again.
JB: Unleash Naya Rivera, too. Was that really her first solo in a season-and-a-half? She's got the most commercial voice out of any of them. Do not unleash Dianna Agron and Chord Overstreet. Jesus Christ, I thought the Black Eyed Peas took a shit on Time Of My Life. And why was that deemed sectionals-worthy and not Dog Days Are Over which, whatever your Florence stance, is a showstopper? I don't buy the blondes as a couple, either. In fact, I don't buy any of the couples as couples. Not Brittany and Artie. Not the Asians. Not Finn and Rachel. Kurt and Rachel, I buy them. We almost made it through an entire episode without a Glory of Kurt moment. Then they unveiled the Kurt as molting Dalton warbler metaphor at the end.

Vampire Diaries
CC: Will my fellow Jeremy/Bonnie 'shippers please join me in a rousing rendition of "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Come on, show. Let's do this. Let's make this happen so I can watch it happen. By the way, why can't Katherine just bite Jeremy's finger off with the ring on it and then kill him? She cut off Uncle John's finger with a knife and then stabbed him, can't she bite off Jeremy's ring finger? Anybody? Just me?
JB: Did the witch and the warlock have weather-sex? I think they did! Can I say something about the moonstone? It would be good if it glowed or floated or changed colors or did SOMETHING to merit the massive investment we're having to make in its mystic properties. Because right now? It's not very impressive. Also not impressive: Bonnie the witch's screechy version of Only Happy When It Rains.

The Sing-Off
CC: This is my new favorite show (shut up, it's winter TV doldrums right now) and I am about to say many things. It's much better than it was last year. I love when people get genuinely excited about their competition, and it totally happened twice tonight, when the blue Oregon guys were losing it over the young black guys during Maroon 5 (and who wouldn't...those guys are gonna win the whole thing unless the Glee fan contingent puts the high school group ahead of them, plus they almost killed Boyz II Men judge), and then when the teal people from LA, that guy in the middle, was totally doing the "wwhhhaaattt" hands-on-head thing during Apologize. Did anyone else think it was totally cheating for the teal LA people to totally Frankenstein together a group JUST for the purpose of this show, including people who had BEEN ON BEFORE? Did anyone else think there was literally a ZERO percent chance that the southern guys were gonna sing anything OTHER than Hey Soul Sister for the next episode? Was it me or did most of the Seattle people have, like, that confusing thing where they might be 14 or they might be 40 or maybe it was just that one person? And how terrible was Nick Lachey's outfit? AND HOW AWESOME IS BEN FOLDS? HE IS THE MOST OF AWESOME!!! Him ripping on the cymbals thing and then demonstrating it was possibly the best part of the whole show. Other than, of course, the young black guys (because there were also old black guys, who are fine and cute in their own way, but this show belongs to the young black guys). I had something to say about the groups who got booted but whatever, they're booted, I already forgot what it was.

CC: If this show could make me care as much about the non-Nikita scenes as I do about the Nikita ones, we'd be in good shape. For instance, I found the revelation that Nikita works out at 3 in the morning at some pool in New Jersey WAY more interesting than Alex's entire subplot this week. I can't tell you what said subplot was because during those scenes I was too busy trying to calculate whether it's possible for me to watch every single episode of Battlestar Galactica during my winter break. It is.
JB:The pre-credits narration is getting longer and more complicated every week. We now have THREE shadowy organizations.. We've got Division. We've got the one they unveiled a couple of weeks ago. And now we've got Oversight. We also have the recurring plot about the seven black boxes which is both vitally important and not worth mentioning from week to week. But honestly? As long as I see Nikita getting in wet towel fights at Newark Community Center, I don't care.

The Walking Dead
CC: Oh my god, I can't believe they Lost in Translationed us! And we had to wait until the very end for any skull-crunching zombie action! Boo! BOO! *starts counting minutes till show comes back*
JB: Sometimes when I watch this show, I feel like an Amish teen on Rumspringa. I absolutely accepted that cast member Laurie Holden would sacrifice herself in the CDC blast and the black lady whose name we do not know and who had barely uttered a word make a break for freedom.

Friday Night Lights
JB: I do not play sports. I do not watch sports. I know nothing about sports. After this away-game episode, I wanted to be part of a team. Any team. There was a scene before the big game. The Coach is sitting out on his hotel balcony. A few feet away, four of the Lions are hanging out, joking, talking about the game, telling stories. They don't know he's there, listening. The scene doesn't go anywhere, doesn't add to the story. But it lasts for three, maybe four minutes and when it's over, you think, what other show would do that? Even if you don't like you like Friday Night Lights, if you don't like football, if you don't like PEOPLE, the camaraderie on display here was just undeniable. (After they won the game, the team celebrated by branding each other with hot pieces of bent wire. And even THAT was heartwarming!) This was an absolute, all time Top 5 episode, almost but not entirely marred by the Season Two-level embarrassment of the Julie Taylor: Adultress plot.

JB: I'm looking forward to Little Fockers about as much as I want to hear that new Diddy Dirty Money album.

JB: It started with a decapitation. It ended with a disintegration. In between, there were multiple stabbings, rape jokes, angels getting boners watching motel room porn, naked demon torture, invisible hellhounds and incest gags. Return to form!
CC: I...may have to start watching this show.

X Factor
JB: The semi finals. Of all the hundreds of thousands of Bruno Mars-affiliated songs this year, I have one favorite and while this young person attempted to slaughter it, she left some life in the corpse:
Just when it looked like Rihanna's wounds had all healed, she gets clobbered again:
And this happened: