Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Don't Shoot Me, I'm Only The TV Club!

See if anything gets lost in translation between here and http://cherrycheva.tumblr.com/

Did I like Teenage Dream as sung by all those dudes doing dorky dance
moves because that's ACTUALLY WHAT A CAPPELLA IS? Yes. I liked it a
lot. I liked it a super lot! Watched several times! Have been
listening on the internet repeatedly! I liked Artie and Puck's song,
too. But the mashup sequel? No thank you. And no, I didn't watch
any of the rest of the show except for part of the
Puck/Santana/Artie/Heather Morris double date, because you know, just
in case Heather Morris said something funny (she didn't in the part
that I saw). Oh well. Oh, also I saw Harry Shum and Tina making out
on a table. Eh. Is it me or do they have zero chemistry as a couple?
I'd rather watch Tina and Artie. I'd rather watch Harry Shum and
JB: Oh, you didn't watch the rest of the non-singing stuff?( and the
Puck & Artie white reggae bullshit didn't make you want to shoot
yourself in the face?) Well, allow me to fill in the blanks. The
message to the gay bullied youth of America is: don't worry, you will
get an imaginary boyfriend and your tormentors will all turn out to
secretly be gay. Also, it's wrong to even think mean thoughts about
the 40 year old virgin football coach who looks like a dude. That's
right, Glee's other message is that thinking is wrong. "That's the
opposite of what we do here," said Schue. About thinking. He also said
"And now you've been kissed" to the now-apparently-beloved Coach Dude
after planting a pity slobber on her which instantly soared to the top
of the long, long list of Schue's Douchiest Moments.
CC: THAT'S what the rest of the episode was about? Jesus. Well, I'd
be remiss if I didn't point out that I had a similar line about the
main character's first kiss in my book She's So Money, which was
written in 2006 and is also much better than whatever the fuck
happened here because it was a cute high school girl instead of a
monster and a hot high school guy instead of Mr. Schue who is also a
monster, and also it wasn't a pity thing, and was actually part of a
story that oh, I don't know, MAKES SENSE. Yeah, I said it. My book >
Glee. Ryan Murphy can laugh himself all the way to the bank, and he
is, and I clearly am not, but these are still facts.

Gossip Girl
CC: Blah blah blah takedowns blah blah hate sex blah blah MACAROONS!
What flavor is green? Pistachio maybe? I hope not mint. But either
way, I was very, VERY interested in the macaroons Blair kept eating,
so in lieu of commentary on the show (except for how much I loved that
casual tossed-off line re: Blair's exhibitionist tendencies), I'll
tell you where to get tasty macaroons in LA: La Provence. Try the
salted caramel. You're welcome.

CC: That was...eh. ScarJo's a great host, but the whole thing was
just lackluster (like for instance, not that Weekend Update had the
funniest jokes ever or anything, but the audience just did not seem to
be buying what anybody was selling, like, aggressively not buying it).
Bill Hader does the best dancing in that talk show thing. And the
Unstoppable thing was funny, although when does the Denzel goodwill
run out?
JB: Scarlett did her Brooklyny/ New Jersey accent nine times plus she
had kind of a Someone's Mom vibe about her (I think it was the hair).
The Denzel love does not run out for at least six more episodes ( but
the Kanye needs work). I got caught in a comedy torture bear trap with
Kenan's broken knee sketch. It wasn't funny but the anticipation of
his "LEAVE ME BE!" close-up killed me.

Friday Night Lights
JB: Vince Howard had a fantastic episode. The Coach had a pretty good
episode. Mrs Coach had an okay episode. Baby Coach had a great
episode(They keep catching lightning in a bottle with whichever group
of twins or triplets are playing that kid. Mrs Coach was trying to get
The Coach to do something he didn't want to do which we and he both
knew he was gonna do, she turned to the toddler and said said 'Tell
daddy to think about it'' and the kid SCREAMED "THINK ABOUT IT
DADDY!!!" Adorable!) Teenage Daughter Coach had a terrible episode. I
trust the writers on FNL a lot--except for the season we do not
mention-- but they have no idea what to do with Julie Taylor. The
character's story is over but they've still got the actress for the
remaining episodes so let's follow her to college and have her sleep
with her married TA.

Vampire Diaries
CC: I'll tell you what will surprise me the most on this show: if
they ever have a witch who isn't black. That's as good a rule as any,
I guess, but come on, like you didn't totally KNOW that new kid was
gonna be warlocky trouble, and yes, I'm biased cuz somehow I've
suddenly turned into a Bonnie/Jeremy 'shipper. The show leadeth me
down a path and I, with my no brain cells, happily follow.
JB: Elena. Katherine. Katerina. Bulgarian. English. Dobrev is like a
skinny Klumps. I'm an enjoyer of the sporadic When Vampire Harry Met
Vampire Sally thing with Stefan and Caroline. And the snark-romance
between Damon and Vampire Alexa Chung( that actress was Supernatural's
original Condescending Untrustworthy Bitch). Starbucks Vampire was
pathetic but that was probably the point. I fear the oversell of
Klause The Original Vampire. Unless it's Dobrev playing a guy. Which
she could.

JB:Wait, did they just try and introduce an comic relief character and
act like he'd been around for the entire series? I think they did!
Right at the start, some cackling nerd appears on a screen in her car
and Nikita does this kind of weary/ affectionate, "Hello Henry" like
she's acknowledging the weekly appearance of a beloved eccentric.
That's right: after an episode largely devoted to filling in Shane
West's backstory-- his wife and daughter were killed by an
Uzbeckistani terrorist he thought was his friend! He loves Nikita! And
he hates her!--I'm still thinking about the 30 second appearance of
the comedy nerd.
CC: How completely useless was that B-story? I just do not care
about anything that happens inside that damn building when we've got
Nikita running around in more outfits and kicking more ass. Lyndsy
Fonseca registered more on my radar during her five minutes in Hot Tub
Time Machine (yeah, I just saw that) than she ever does on this show.
(Also in Hot Tub Time Machine? Don Draper's secretary/fiancee's naked
boobs. And a delightfully anachronistic Lizzy Caplan. This has been
commentary on TV Club-related casting choices in a movie, instead of
actually doing Movie Club.)

JB: I think I've managed to grasp the arcs of the last few seasons:
we've got to save dad, we've got to save Dean The Lunkhead Brother
from going to Hell, we've got to stop the war between the demons and
the angels. This year-- and there's a big chunk to go so this could
all change-- the story seems to be: We've got to get Sam The Sensitive
Brother his soul back so we have to work for the wise-cracking Cockney
dude who claims to be the King Of Hell. He wants us to locate and
capture the original version of every monster known to man so he can
discover the caption of Purgatory and turn it into a new branch of
Hell. I might have got that wrong. I hope I got that wrong.

The Walking Dead
CC: I totally called the guy cutting off his arm (like, not even this
week, last week). Although I bet everybody did, but the way they
revealed it was still totally sweet. The gore in this show continues
to be the best thing-- I could stare at, and get grossed out by, those
zombie effects all day long. I totally understand that what some
people find interesting about this show is all the in-fighting and
societal stuff that happens when apocalypse occurs but everybody's
still human with flaws and foibles blah blah blah fascinating window
into the fragile nature of group dynamics blah, but for me? The best
part? Gross-ass zombies.
JB: I find I'm a little bit distracted--not from the splatter, more
the microcosm-of-society stuff-- by the actress who plays Sheriff
Rick's inadvertently unfaithful wife. She looks a lot like Kara
DioGuardi. That moment when she saw Sheriff Rick for the first time
and she got that "I am so busted...great to see you!" look on her
face, I was like, Wow, great job, DioGuardi.

The X Factor
JB:Elton John's songs are unsingable. They're in keys that are
impossible to reach. They go from really low to really high, sometimes
in the same syllable. American Idol did an Elton John week a few
years ago. Blood vessels burst. Oxygen tanks were wheeled on to the
stage. Some singers swallowed their own tongues. It was a mess. As was
X-Factor's Elton show. This dude got the boot:

This dude didn't:
Neither did The Most Hated Woman In Britain:

CC: It's stuff like this that makes me rethink my decision to watch
this show when the American version starts.

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