Tuesday, October 12, 2010

What If TV Club Was One Of Us?


It all goes down here. It comes back up again at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Mad Men

JB: My predictions are so consistently wrong I'm not going to say Don's Jerry Maguire-like mission statement will inspire another Conrad Hilton figure to emerge from the shadows and save SCDP in the nick of time. I'm also not going to predict that Doc Blonde's "have your girl make the reservations' was a message that she knows about Shark Tooth Megan and, while she may be the most accommodating and understanding woman Don's ever been involved with, she's not THAT accommodating and understanding. Her reaction wasn't that different from Betty seeing Sally with Creepy Glen.

Glee
JB: Could have been all sorts of ass. Wasn't. Reason: Colfer. As heavy-handed as this show is, I'm impressed they kept him a non-believer. Also impressive: the lack of Schue.
CC: Thought I would hate I Wanna Hold Your Hand. Loved it. Thought I would hate One of Us. Enjoyed it and wanted it to go twice as long. Thought I could watch the entire episode instead of going back to my habit of fastforwarding through large chunks. Was wrong.

SNL
JB: Oh wow, Fred Armisen looks just like Artie! Oh no, it's Gilly! Oh wow, Jay Pharoah's Denzel is on point! Oh no, Jane Lynch is trapped in a sketch with no end. That's all I saw.

Nikita
JB: Devon Sawa's got an Anthony Michael Hall thing going on. Once scrawny, now roided-up to almost unrecognizable proportions. Hey, there's Bianca Lawson again. Hey, there's Stan Lee. Stop doing cameos, Stan. Liked: Shane West's face when he thought that
"Your girlfriend's on the phone' was directed at him. Didn't like: I hate that thing they do in shows like this when the hero and the bad guy come face to face and she does nothing for bullshit script reasons. She could have stopped Roid Guy shooting Division Bad Guy. She could have wounded and abducted Division Bad Guy and... yeah, okay, I'm babbling. Just don't set her up as superwoman and then make her not superwoman when it's convenient.

Vampire Diaries
JB: Vampire/ werewolf alliance! Also, more evidence for my Damon-is-emotionally-12-years-old accusation: his whining "But you're my friend' to Sheriff Mom.
CC: Oh. My. Fucking. God. Best ep since last season's finale. That was nuts. Vamp Caroline continues to be the best thing ever. And I can't believe Nina Dobrev gets to make out with every single guy on this show. And Damon's voice on "Hey" towards the end of the ep as Elena headed for the door almost killed me, just the way it sounded. And good lord, I know this ain't the first time they've done it, but Elena feeding Stefan her blood? Come on. COME ON! Hey censors! You know every time that happens on a vampire show it's basically like we're WATCHING PEOPLE HAVE SEX, RIGHT? Okay, just wanted to make that clear. P.S. Has there ever been a TV show with more use of the word "system" re: things in it? "In her system." "In your system." "As soon as it leaves her system." Etc. Etc. If you think too hard about it, about exactly what they mean whenever they're waiting for blood or vervein or whatever to leave someone's system, it makes the whole vamp thing less kinda sexy and more just kinda gross. BIOLOGY! *jazz hands*

Supernatural
Lunkhead Brother: We're back, baby! Plagues! Boils! Blood! Locusts eating their way out of the inside of a cop's skull! Plus, we got our season arc. It's angels! Angry angels. Which means...
Castiel the deadpan, humorless angel: I have returned. To take everything the idiot brothers say at face value and handle the the weighty and continually changing exposition. Which, this year, seems to be that God is no longer in the picture, there's a civil war among angels and an apocalypse is looming. Wait, isn't that EXACTLY what we did last season?
Sensitive Brother: You missed the most important part. After I got done banging a whore, she forgot to ask me for the money.

Gigantic
JB: Marti Noxon's new show. Kind of a Hollywood Gossip Girl with socialites swapped out for celebrity offspring. The low-wattage cast mangled the few funny lines and seemed smaller than life. Which is understandable, seeing as the lead character is played by MERYL STREEP'S DAUGHTER! And her nemesis is JOE MANTEGNA'S DAUGHTER!

Teach: Tony Danza
JB: Tony doesn't really want to be a teacher, he wants to be a teacher in a movie. He wants his O Captain My Captain Dead Poets moment. He wants his Mr Holland's Opus. This week, he tried teaching Of Mice And Men to his 9th graders. They didn't get it. A few of the learning challenged kids asked to go the school resource room where they get individual help. Tony wasn't buying it. Because he thinks he's in a movie, he kept banging on at them "You're smart. I know you can do this." His belief was, that if the students stared at the words long enough, they would magically transform from an incomprehensible block of text into a story that wold touch their hearts. When that didn't happen and he was reprimanded by his teaching counselor, he wept for ten minutes. He also made two other students cry by getting up in their faces and caring too much.

X Factor
JB: This week, Britain went bananas for Gamu. Gam-who? She was one of the girls who didn't make the cut last week. One of the non-trainwreck, non-drama queens. She was also an immigrant from Zimbabwe whose passport, it turned out, may not have been entirely in order. Or her mother was claiming state benefits she wasn't entitled to.It's all a bit hazy. Anyway, the UK press got hold of the fact that Gamu not only didn't get chosen for the nation's #1 show, she may be returned to Zimbabwe where firing squads are waiting at the airport for her to touch down. Where did the anger at this injustice direct itself? At X factor judge Cheryl Cole. I don't have the energy to recap The Cheryl Cole Story. Suffice to say, once she was reviled as a racist bully, then she made herself over into The People's Princess and suddenly, she was being seen as the heartless bitch who was sending a poor little girl to her certain death. For Cheryl Cole, it was a week of death threats and beefed-up security. All of which was forgotten when the insane live show actually began. I don't know if there was any kind of theme running through this episode. Let's take a look:
No, not sure. Shall we see more?
Can't tell. More?
One more?
Maybe I was wrong.

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