Monday, October 4, 2010

TV Club Is Outraged, OUTRAGED!

The anger is mounting here. It boils over at

CC: I was SO looking forward to this episode and then SO angry as soon as it started. Angry that there was no story or anything even resembling a story. Angry that they attempted to formulate a plotline that made the Britney Spears stuff make sense, because it didn't make sense, so why even bother. Angry that they insist on overproducing the fuck out of everyone, even though most of the cast can sing their faces off (that last song should've been Lea Michele's voice, NO electronic interference, and one guitar, that's it, full stop). Angry that Artie is the only male cast member who can sing AND dance equally well and they stick the poor kid in a wheelchair. Angry that for some reason they think it's okay to put a wheelchair kid on the football team (there are no rules against it? there ARE rules against it, there are TONS of rules against it, you fucking morons) which is about the same thing as making it so that Artie gets hit by lightning and can suddenly walk again, so why don't they just do that, because then they don't have to waste his dance talent anymore. Angry that Mr. Schue got to be in the Toxic number, because the less I see of that guy on this show, the better (he was great on the Tony Awards or whatever it was, motherfucker is talented, but this character has never done him any, and continues to do him no, favors). Angry that they did NOTHING to make the Britney songs their own-- NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING! They did the Baby One More Time video basically shot for shot. Are we supposed to be impressed? Are we supposed to give you credit for moving the key up and finding one of the scariest-abbed female backup dancers in the history of life (seriously, check that girl out...she was deeply frightening)? Yes, you put Mark Kanemura in there too. Yes, I love you for that. But it is MADDENING that this episode was a ratings bonanza when it was SO BAD. It was flat out bad. And I LOVE Heather Morris. And Heather Morris fucking KILLED IT, killed every moment, killed the dancing, killed her one-liners like usual, and the biggest laugh for me wasn't even a line, it was when she did that sort of not-particularly-energetic fist-pump move towards the end. Heather Morris fucking KILLED IT. And yet. This episode. SUCKED. And it's not gonna get any better. The show's not gonna get any better, because THIS is what gets them ratings. This. This fucking TRAVESTY. Fuck you, Glee. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! See you next week. :\
JB: On a more positive note, I'd like to single out the performance of Me At 16. I liked it when Me At !6 began squealing `Wanky! Wanky!' I enjoyed Me At 16's tell-tale butt-sweat stain. And, of course, the spell cast by Me At 16's Jewish cloud.(Except mine was more like a satellite dish). Also dug John Stamos's almost-subliminal shout-out to the Howard Stern fans in the audience which, I'm guessing, numbered me and Howard Stern who was watching for the first time and shared the same opinion as everyone else who found this an inexplicable mess.

Mad Men
JB:Will we get through this season without another Roger Sterling heart attack? I fear we will not. Not a fan of Peggy's beatnik boyfriend but Stan the art guy is a hideous douche.

Vampire Diaries
CC: There are way too many baubles with powers (BWPs? Should I try and start this? Nah.) on this show. Like, everybody has a daywalking ring, and there's that moonstone Uncle Werewolf is obsessed with, and the whole thing of he was unharmed by the silver, like, who KNOWS whether that's actually a thing or whether he's got some sort of anti-silver necklace or some crap, and also, HELLO, Katherine pulled an iocane powder with the vervein and now it doesn't affect her anymore? Come on. COME ON! Next thing you know, staking a vampire won't kill 'em. Blah. Oh well, still a good ep (terrible sightlines on the Katherine/Elena face-to-face though...come on, people, it can't be that hard, Nina Dobrev is RIGHT THERE and you're telling me you don't know how tall she is for the little ball on a stick?).
JB: You know in Japan Jersey Shore is called Macaroni Rascals ? (I'm not kidding. Google it if you don't believe me). If I was a buyer for a foreign network and I'd just sampled a bunch of Vampire Diaries episodes, I might think about renaming it Useless Stabbing Show. Because there's a lot of stabbing, staking and syringing and the majority of it to little effect. Vintage Somerhalder: introducing himself to Uncle Werewolf thusly: "I'm a dick"

CC: Girlcrush continues. Plot confusion continues as well (I did register that they had that cool twist this week, but all the stuff AROUND it, like what was that guy actually doing besides sweatshops or whatever, I have no idea and also do not care). More bad flashback wigs (seriously...what's with that? the odds are that Maggie Q from 6 years ago IN REAL LIFE looks exactly like she does today, so, why not just do that?).
JB: Terrible wigs. Baby bomb. That's all I remember.

CC: Kanye wins. Kanye wins. KANYE FUCKING WINS. He won anyway with his pre-performance still photo that then moved, and he wins because he's dating Selita Ebanks, but he super duper undeniably wins just on the sheer WTF-ness of those two performances, the second of which was the musical guest equivalent of What Up With That (which was my favorite incarnation of it since the very first one...Sudeikis pulled out some new shit, Cranston went for it, they got Morgan fucking Freeman, and did I mention the Sudeikis dance moves, okay yes I did). Loved Nasim Pedrad as the kid who just wanted to paint a pegasus. Kristin Wiig, always good. Fred Armisen and sparkling cider. Kenan, GOD BLESS HIM, my new favorite thing anyone has ever said in the history of the world is "Turn aroundst." So much other funny stuff too. Great show.
JB:Tough luck on Bryan Cranston agreeing to do an opening number about nobody knowing who he is and then getting obliterated by Kanye West AND Ernest Borgnine. And, seriously? You hire Jay Pharoah who is A) black and B) an impressionist and we're still stuck with Armisen's Obama? As for The Miley Cyrus Show, it ranks a little bit above The Prince Show but a little bit below The Barry Gibb Show, The Dakota Fanning Show and The Joe Pesci Show.

Teach: Tony Danza
JB; Don't stop reading. This is the least scripted unscripted washed-up celebrity fish-out-of-water reality show I've ever seen. The idea is, Tony Danza wanted to be a teacher before all that other stuff happened. Now all that other stuff has stopped happening so he's trying to make his dream come true by teaching English at a Philadelphia high school. A&E's record with this kind of thing (Gene Simmons, Steven Seagal, Kirstie Alley) is not stellar. But they make up for it with Danza. Every bit of his vanity, insecurity and desperation to please is on display here. He's so nervous in front of the kids he sweats straight through his shirt. He tries to tap dance to keep their interest. He doesn't know what omniscient means. He cries when the principal lectures him about taking the job seriously. He cries again when he's reprimanded for not signing in first thing in the morning ( I might have cried, too: the secretary was a raging bitch). He earns a Coach Taylor-like look of disdain from the school's own Coach Taylor when he attempts to bust out a Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose but ends up talking about himself for two minutes. And then the final chunk of the episode takes place at a Friday night football game where the team is drenched by unceasing sheets of rain and a waterlogged Danza is besieged by angry parents, none of whom care about his dwindling fame and all of whom want his guarantee he's not going to piss away their kids' education just for a few more weeks of TV work. I give Teach an A!

Lunkhead Brother: Shapeshifters? Seriously? Haven't we been down the shapeshifters road once or twenty five times?
Sensitive Brother: Yeah, but shapeshifting BABIES? Fresh twist. Plus we get to play good and evil versions of ourselves.
Lunkhead Brother: Haven't we been down THAT road once or forty times?
Sensitive Brother: Look, it gets rid of your girlfriend and her kid and gets us back to work, so maybe this series can actually begin and we can find out if there's going to be any sort of arc rather than just going back to monster-of-the-week stuff.

X Factor
JB: Bear with me because things are about to get a little bit clippy. Up to now, The X hasn't differed from American Idol at all. Now it begins to differ a little. This week the finalists in each category--the over 28s(ie: the joke category), the groups (Ie: the other joke category), the girls and the boys get shipped off to the judges' houses (ie: some go to one of Cowell's many unattended mansions, the others end up in hotels). The judges then whittle the groups down from 8 to 3 finalists they will mentor over the course of the next bunch of live shows. So, as usual: the groups: bullshit. The over 28's: all insane. The boys: a Chris Martin-type has a decent shot. Which brings us to the girls: the six black girls and two white girls. The six black girls who deliver flawless final auditions. And the two white girls who... see for yourself:


Now let's take a quick look at their competition:


First two: sailed through. Second two(plus two other black chicks who barely got six seconds screen time between them): booted. And I get it. It's a TV show. Personality, even awful, horrible personality like Bats For Lashes, is key. But just don't pretend it's a singing competition.

Having said that, let me now draw your attention to the third girl who made it through to the finals.

I would buy that (if I hadn't stopped paying for music sometime in 2001) but I'm still outraged...

CC: Fireflies! FIREFLIES! FIREFLIES! FIREFLIES! Who else was just transported back to the last time Fireflies was mentioned on this here blog, on account of the guy doing the robot on SYTYCD and it totally floored me and tears were shed? Just me? Yeah, just me. I want everyone on this show to get bonus points whenever anyone says "meself." I just find that a total delight.

And finally...

Movie Club

Easy A
JB: Best teen film since Clueless. I'm not wrong.

Let Me In
JB: Best faithful adaptation of a Swedish vampire movie to fail to win an American audience because people here only respond to hot vampire dudes.

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