Tuesday, September 14, 2010

TV Club's Dog Days Are Over

Consume it here. Regret your empty materialism at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Mad Men
JB Joan Holloway suddenly aging, vulnerable, powerless and irrelevant. Where will she turn for solace? Lane Pryce. Mark my words. (Except if it doesn't happen in which case don't,but his wife doesn't want to come back to America and Dr. Rapey's shipping out to Vietnam, so mark them a little bit)
CC: I...didn't like this episode. The Dear Diary voiceover? No thank you. But that's okay, we'll always have last week's. And we'll always have Joan and Peggy's outfits from this week, which were stellar. And Jack & Bobby guy whom I just recently enthusiastically complimented, we hardly knew ye! That's okay. You're pretty, like what's-his-face said. You'll be fine.

Vampire Diaries
JB: Game on, indeed. I feared Dobrev would lack the thesp chops to pull off the necessary vamp swag. Wrong! She played Elena, Katherine, Katherine acting like Elena and nailed them all. I also feared Somerhalder overflowing with the milk of human kindness. Wrong again! And now Caroline's got his blood to bring her back to life which immediately made me think, Ah Harmony the vampire, but no, because Matt keeps her grounded. So what's going to happen to that relationship? I'm kind of overly-indoctrinated having pounded down most of the last season over a two-week period but this entire episode felt like it was twenty-five minutes long.
CC: I like that the hair people make Katherine curly and Elena straight, like otherwise we wouldn't be smart enough to tell. Nah, knock yourselves out, hair peeps, this show rocks no matter what. Damon getting the smackdown from BOTH the ladies and subsequently going ballistic? Gold. (And he and Katherine are hot together.) (And he and Elena are hot together.) (And I'm pretty sure you know where I stand vis-a-vis Team Stefan/Team Damon.)

Jersey Shore
JB: Wait, WHAT did Snooki call the miserable looking guy tagging along with her designated smush-victim? Was it grenade-grendle-choad? And then Jwoww said something like "I'm going to take Horny Goat Weed and masturbate". The Situation also showed that he had some standards by retreating from the herpe. Vinny showed he had none by smashing the Staten Island Dump.
CC: Man grenade! Why is man grenade somehow so much worse than the lady grenades? I felt, like, really terrible for that guy, more so than most of the hippos and other assorted beasts the guys have been dragging home. Maybe I'm just used to the female zoo animals because there've been so many more of them, or maybe there is a horrible double standard at work here and I really need to take a long, close look at myself and my values and what I find important in this cruel, complicated world. Yeah...no. By the way, how great is the running gag about the Fossil watch? I laugh every time.

America's Next Top Model
JB: Not gonna lie, my mind is kind of boggled that Tyra took the criticisms that Top Model's never produced anything resembling a top model on board enough to actually do something about it. Not only has she upgraded from Seventeen to Italian Vogue( no more Ann Shoket. Thousands cheer!) but she totally toned down her traditional shrieking camp big Worship-Me entrance. I'm not singling them out as favorites or potential winners but the only faces I remember are The Orthodox Jew With The Double G's( who immediately tossed her orthodox Jewry under the bus), The Girl Who Used `Persona' and `'Ingenuous' In The Same Sentence(And who looks nothing like Uma Thurman), The Girl Who Doesn't Like Semen On Her hands and The Sistahs. Tyra may have pulled it back a bit but she will still take a big shit on a girl just because she can. Case in point: the chimp-faced No Logo chick who was all, I-hate-pop-culture-it's-all-superficial. When she dropped the pose and wept buckets at missing the top 12, Tyra comforted her with a mocking `Why are you crying? I thought you didn't care about this?" Cold, Banks.
CC: I sped through most of this but I will second you on the stealth boobs. Literally that was the only thing anybody bothered discussing at my work the next day.

JB: And speaking of semen on my hand...I'm not mad at the prospect of Maggie Q on TV every week. But Nikita, to me, is a Bad Franchise. You know what I mean: Predator is a Bad Franchise, Alien is a Bad Franchise, Terminator is a Bad Franchise, Stargate is a Bad Franchise. There's no reason to keep going back except there might be a few more coins to squeeze out. I appreciate they skipped dragging us through the whole origins story once again(in fact, I spent most of the time thinking, this is the pilot Dollhouse should have had, and it's the one they ended up doing something like three episodes from the end). But the Beautiful Lady Assassin thing feels really dated. I've seen enough bad Maggie Q Hong Kong movies to know her fights don't need to be shot in close-up. Also, that scene where she faked out the bad guys by substituting a dummy in the graveyard? Made me dwell for a few minutes too many on the idea of her dragging a dummy with her as she walked moodily through the cemetery. Can't lie though. Didn't see the Lyndsy Fonseca( shouldn't that be Fynsyca?) twist coming.
CC: Me neither! I was totally entertained by this whole damn thing. A VERY satisfying body count (seriously...between this and Vampire Diaries, the surprise kills on the CW are coming fast and furious and it is awesome). Now, is Lyndsy Fonseca just a slightly less angular version of Missy Peregrym? Yeah. Yeah, she is. But I like her so far, this show is badass so far, and I will certainly be tuning in next week to see what outfits Nikita is wearing (yeah, yeah, the red bikini thing, everyone's flipping out over that...I was more struck by that aggressively structured coat she was wearing in the graveyard...can we talk about that? do we think the fashion angle on this show is ever gonna get up to Gossip Girl proportions? nah, it won't, but that would be awesome if it did).

JB: Aly Michalka has the look of a Ukranian prostitute. That's pretty much my only impression of this show. I know there was flipping and jumping and bendiness but the entire hour seemed like it was focussed on her face. I felt bad for Ashley Tisdale who looks like a thumbprint when she's next to her. Amazingly, that `My drunk mom vomited over me' speech is not the worst Childhood Trauma scene Michalka's had to play. There's an even worse one in the movie Bandslam which had the incredible bad luck to open a couple of weeks before Glee premiered and which, even by music movie standards, has one of the all-time great laugh-out-loud terrible climaxes. Oh, and not only was Hellcats all-Michalka-all-the-time, the commercial breaks featured ads for Easy A, where she plays the sidekick, and a horse movie starring her mushy-faced sister who sang a song that sounded like it was written by the horse.
CC: Tried. Couldn't.

Gossip Girl
JB: Katie Cassidy! Paris! Clemence Poesy! No Jenny Humphrey!
CC: Don't forget Lou Doillon! And Karlie Kloss! And outfits so ridonkulous that I literally shouted "WHAT?" at the screen when Serena's-- romper? black short shorts?-- getup appeared.

JB: Congratulations, 8 year-old Taylor Swift on the nice little song you wrote with your crayons.
CC: Oh my fucking god. Did you notice her feet? Those things are fucking boats. Seriously. She's a tall girl, but those things are even out of proportion to the spindly, tree-like stems that make up the rest of her body. I was thankful for them, though, because when I was shouting "Holy shit look how big her feet are," that meant I couldn't hear her off-key (as usual, as always, as predicted, as ever) singing. Hey Kanye! A year later? YOU WON AGAIN. Oh, Usher wins too. That performance was riveting.

X Factor
JB: Cowell made a vow at the start of this season. No more sob stories. No more dead dogs, incurable diseases, deathbed wishes of family members. He's been as good as his word. And do you know what he's replaced them with? Totally Staged Contrived Bullshit. Here's an example from this week's show featuring the young Biggie Smalls.
And here's the shattering conclusion:

More thought went into the plotting and character arc of that audition than the whole of Hellcats
CC: Is that guy the best singer ever? No. Is he a better singer than Aly Michalka is a dancer? WAY. (See, I did make it through part of Hellcats. Just not the whole thing.)

Scream Queens
CC: Jessica keeps winning the show one baby step at a time. My DVR cut off before I saw who got booted but I don't even really care at this point, I'll figure it out later. No, this space is for my apology to Gabby, she of the complete inability to master the technical aspects of acting on camera, because I had a brush with something similar myself a few days ago when we filmed this DVD extra for my work and it's not like I even had to hit a mark or anything, we just had to wait for these other guys to walk by before we came out this doorway, and we did it right, more or less, but before it happened I was totally standing there kind of confused and asking, "Wait, do we go yet?" and I suddenly thought to myself, "Oh, FUCK! I ripped on Gabby for this exact same shit and here I am, totally confounded because someone just asked me to do literally nothing more than walk down a sidewalk while a camera is rolling!" Yikes. Apologies, Gabby, and props to actors everywhere, because I also don't know how you aren't all dead of heat exhaustion from all the damn lights in your face all the time. Oh, also? Can we talk about how hilarious it is that they have to wear dresses for judges table or whatever they call it on this show, and that the dresses are always UNIFORMLY BAD? Seriously. That is some serious Forever 21 shit up in there, every single week; they always look worse than they do when they're in their casual clothes, and it's just ridiculous. I've already been blinded multiple times by the awful, awful reflections zinging off of every outfit's shiny, shiny, cheap, cheap material. That being said, SCREAM QUEENS 4-EVA!

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