Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Shit My TV Club Says

If you can't stand the heat here, stay out of the kitchen at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Mad Men
JB: Last week left me for dead. This week miraculously revived me before beating me senseless with a wooden cane. So much misery: Don's panic attack, Roger reduced to begging for his life, Joan left to take care of things on her own, Lane's old-school British parenting. I do not predict a happy ending for anyone. Especially not Don. Pete owns him. And it probably wasn't a great idea to tell the blonde, mob-related doctor about his double life when he's about to cheat on her with Megan the beanpole secretary. On the other hand, I was fully expecting another crushing disappointment for Sally Draper and was pleasantly surprised when her Beatles tickets came through.
CC: Can we talk about Alison Brie's pregnancy nightie? I could not stop laughing. What WAS that? That thing was ridiculous (and also perfect).

Jersey Shore
JB: The endless weeks of Ronnie being a treacherous scumbag culminated in a catfight between Sammi and Jwoww. The last few weeks have all been about The Situation trying to bust Angelina for basically pulling the same shit he does. And that's headed for a Snooki/ Angelina smackdown. Can we just fill a cage with mud and move it into the house?

JB: You know what I like? Lots of cameos. You know what I don't like? The unadorned sound of Katy Perry's voice. You know what I think? By the time this season's over, Jay Pharoah will be starring in his own Beverly Hills Cop reboot.
CC: Highlight: Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg in that acting thing. And Kenan singing Fast Car. Shut up. I don't care what anyone says. Those were the highlights.

JB: Quinn v Santana? Best acting ever seen in this entire series. Ever. They went for that shit. I liked the meta-opening where Mr. Schue was all, "the kids don't like it when I rap?" But guess what, we-- that's right, I'm aligning myself with the kids, why not?-- don't like it when ANYONE RAPS. Finn: no flow. Artie: can't hang. Fair enough, bring in a ringer to spook Rachel Berry but this show desperately needs someone who can get through sixteen bars without stumbling.

JB: I can't really recommend Nikita to anyone but I also can't deny that I'm into it. And by it, I mean her. I'm not hailing Maggie Q as a comic genius or anything but she thrives in scenarios that require more than kicking and crazy hotness. Like this episode where she was paired together with a jittery civilian. Maybe she'll find an abandoned baby at the door of her huge loft. Actually, I don't have the patience to wait for them to do that. I might have to start writing Nikita fanfiction right now...
CC: I can TOTALLY recommend Nikita to everyone! Most people won't, and shouldn't, listen to me, but the power of my girlcrush on Maggie Q is strong (I'll fight you for her, JB), so if you, like me, are apparently susceptible to half-asian chicks with limbs the size of twigs kicking the crap out of multiple people on a weekly basis while somehow having perfectly imperfect hair, get on this. I seriously don't know the plots of any of the episodes so far. Doesn't matter. Still watching.

The Event
JB: You know how Rubicon was impossible to follow and you know how the new version of V was deadly dull. That's basically what The Event is. It's a little bit paranoid conspiracy thriller and a little bit alien invasion. Obviously, they couldn't sell it as Rubicon-meets- New V because who'd want to see that? So they're pushing it as Lost-meets-24. Which it isn't. But am I on board? Until they make me me feel stupid for getting invested--which I absolutely know will happen--yes I am.

Vampire Diaries
JB:The wolf was disappointing. Candice Accola, once again, was not. I don't know Ian Somerhalder's whole acting history but I can't imagine he doesn't jump out of bed in the morning and race to the set because this part he's got is fantastic. That bit at the end when he admits he snapped Elena's emo brother's neck and then threw a massive sulk because she didn't want to be friends with him? That was a Don Draper you-think-he's cool- but-he's-a-psycho-with-the emotional-maturity of-a-12-year-old moment.
CC: Let's take a trip down memory lane to a little show called The OC, season 1, the pilot of which had the insanely annoying Summer Roberts as played by Rachel Bilson. I hated Summer at first. HAAATED her. And then suddenly, a few episodes in, everything flipped and the character became utterly charming while still somehow being the same, and I totally began to heart her. Candice Accola? Is my 2010 Summer. Can't say the same for the werewolf effects. When did it become the thing to just have werewolves be wolves when they wolf out? Whatever happened to the good old days of having them turn into freaky, genuinely fucked-up half-man half-wolf monster-looking hybrid beasts that actually LOOKED SCARY? I blame Twilight.

X Factor
JB: This young lady is polarizing the nation. Half the country doesn't like her. The other half CAN"T STAND HER. For me, she's a clear case of someone who will bomb out halfway through the live shows--which haven't even started yet, this shit goes on till Christmas!-- and winds up with a better career than the eventual winner.

JB: A few months back I wrote about all four seasons of Supernatural but I never got around to talking about the fifth one. So, briefly:
Season Five
Sensitive Brother: Oh no, I was bamboozled into opening the last gate of Hell and unleashing Lucifer who wants to use my body as a vessel to destroy the world.
Lunkhead Brother: Dick. Luckily, Saint Michael wants to use me as a vessel to stop you which totally plays in to all our sibling issues as well as building up to an apocalypse that will leave nothing but charred smoking earth.
Sensitive Brother: Wow, it's gonna be an epic season. I guess they've really upped our budget to help us tell this massive story.
Lunkhead Brother: Nope. In fact, after Episode One, we not only don't mention the apocalypse again for something like eight weeks, we do four comedy episodes in a row, one of which is set at a Supernatural fan convention and is awesome.
Sensitive Brother: But we finally get back to it and we even tread in some pretty blasphemous territory, going as far as suggesting that God's gone AWOL and we're humanity's only hope.
Lunkhead Brother: And you know how I went to Hell a few seasons back to save you?
Sensitive Brother: Well, I do it at the end of this season. Jump in a big hole and vanish, leaving you to find the peace and happiness you've always wanted with the sketchily- defined chick you met in Season Three who you found you had a kid with. You're welcome.
And now...
Season Six.
Sensitive Brother: So you know how I jumped down a hole and saved the world?
Lunkhead Brother: Right. Just like me. But I was down there for thirty years.
Sensitive Brother: I came right back. I mean, within seconds. I've been back a year.
Lunkhead Brother: Wait, what?
Sensitive Brother: You were all settled in suburbia with the sketchily-defined chick and the kid who I don't think uttered a word the entire episode. I didn't want to deprive you of that. So I hooked up with our dead grandpa and a whole bunch of demon-hunting cousins we've never seen or mentioned before. Because something bad is coming.
Lunkhead Brother: What, worse than the apocalypse?
Sensitive Brother: Yeah, we kind of screwed ourselves there a little bit. Didn't seem likely we'd get a sixth season and then we did. But we'll come up with something.

Parenthood Season 1
JB: That's right. I dismissed this after one episode and then I crawled back. You know who's great in this? Monica Potter. Monica Potter who used to be what Michelle Monaghan is now. Stuck with boring parts in high-profile movies where she never gets a chance to shine. You know who's also great? Erika Christensen. Never made much of an impression in movies, Swimfan, it goes without saying, aside, always got her mixed up with Julia Stiles ( and her character here is called Julia which doesn't help). You know who's REALLY great in this? Mae Whitman.She has this arc where she sleeps with her cousin's boyfriend and gets labelled the school whore and she runs away...it's so much better than I'm making it sound.And the girl who plays the cousin who's name I'm not sure of. Also great. And then Lauren Graham... something screwy happened towards the end of Gilmore Girls where the woman who created it and wrote pretty much every one of it's many many words got booted off the show and this guy who wrote a one-man show about whacking off to Heidi Klum was installed in her place. So, on the one hand, it's a thrill to see Lauren Graham back playing her Greatest Hit. On the other hand, that's EXACTLY who she's playing. There's a bunch of dudes in it as well and that aspect is a little more problematic because they all cry and they cry easily. But I'm glad I gave this a second chance. Congratulations, me.

Monday, September 27, 2010


Oh yeah, and one other thing happened to make my day at the West Hollywood Book Fair really special. That guy. It might be Jonathan Bernstein the crisis manager. Or Jonathan Bernstein the acclaimed writer of plays. But it is not Jonathan Bernstein the me. So while every other author at my signing session and, in fact, at every signing session, sat alongside accurate and flattering photos of themselves, I alone spent my time cowering under the gaze of the smiling stranger who bears my name. Obviously it was confusing for my vast fanbase. And that's why no-one wanted a signature. Right. That must be the reason.

Scorched Earth

I don't tend to thrive around either brutal, pulverizing heat or other people.My stint at last Sunday's West Hollywood Book Fair where the temperature reached a pitiless 100 degrees could not be categorized as a personal triumph. There wasn't a moment I didn't feel like I was going to need CPR and the only child who showed any interest in purchasing my book finally cast it aside with a withering, "There's too many words".

There were a couple of highlights. I persuaded my colleague Alexa Young to get Molly Ringwald to autograph my history of 80s teen movies which she did with no great enthusiasm(the enduring redhead, not Alexa who was all about it). And then there was the live book trailer event. This could have been a disaster. All credit to Chelsea Anderson and Sarah Bebb(pictured above in color and black and white) for taking the sketchy little script I wrote to sum up Burning Ambition, memorizing it and bringing it hilariously alive. If my next book is out by the time the 2011 book fair rolls around, I'm booking you in advance. Unless it's hot, in which case I'm staying home.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The TV Club of Ga'Hoole

You think it's bad here? It gets worse at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Mad Men
JB: It's a given that any Sally Draper storyline is going to leave me shattered in a million pieces but THIS one with the sleepover and the rum and the tantrum and faceplant and the stoic resignation that things are only going to get worse? It killed me. I am now dead. And speaking of dead, the Blankenship saga ended the way it began: leaving me momentarily unsure what show I was watching. And my brilliant prediction of a Joan/ Lane hookup? Let's never speak of it again. Oh, and if I'm not wrong, Jessica Pare, who plays beanpole receptionist Megan is another graduate of Jack & Bobby.
CC: I have done a total 180 on Kiernan Shipka. A year ago I constantly wanted to punch her in the face. I wanted to punch a *child* in the face. Now, my facepunching desires have all been transferred to Dr. Faye and Lesbian, both of whom have weird things going on with their mouths when they talk, whereas Kiernan Shipka fucking ROCKED THAT SHIT. That flipout in the office was so fucking real it was scary. I was instantly transported back to my own childhood meltdowns and you know those aren't a fun place to go. Yeesh. *throws Emmy at kid*
JB: A year ago? A year ago was the Grandpa Gene story. Retract the punch. RETRACT IT!

The Eyebrow Diaries
JB:If Kiernan Shipka hadn't annihilated all competition, I'd be hailing Candice Accola's vamp turn as outstanding performance of the week. She had a lot of shit on her plate: she had to be a victim, a predator, a badass, a bimbo and a loyal girlfriend. And she did it all. Not reneging on my praise for Dobrev's double role, but this was a...I'm not so good with sports terms...this was something good involving balls. Nice shot from Damon at Stefan's comic timing.
CC: I almost couldn't believe they had Stefan Twilight Elena up to the top of that ferris wheel, except that of COURSE they had him do that, and also, why is it that when vampires are drinking blood it so often sounds like sex? Yeah, yeah, there's all that lore, what was it, Anne Rice or someone, with the drinking of blood being basically like sex for a vampire, so vampires don't even care about sex (ha, yeah right), blah blah, all the mythology everywhere is different, but my point is, hoo boy was Caroline having some fun getting her meals on for the first time. One time back in the day I was watching Angel and my roommate heard the sounds and thought I was watching porn. I mean, it was a scene partially involving Angel slapping Darla around so I guess it was arguably in the vicinity, but still. Do we like Werewolf Uncle? I'm not sure I'm sold on Werewolf Uncle yet. Man, I hope the werewolf effects don't suck because if they do, that will suck.

Jersey Shore
JB: Cruel irony: Vinny wants to get wifed up and the object of his pathetic affections leaves him sweaty, desperate and begging on the phone.
Can we please, please, never see Uncle Nino again? Please?

JB: We learned three things from this episode. 1) Maggie Q lightens up a lot when she's around heavy artillery and Shane West. 2)If you hire Melinda Clarke and you do not tap her snark abilities, you are wasting a great natural resource. And 3) Nikita built a sauna. In the middle of her gargantuan loft. Is this something she learned at Division? Is Melinda Clarke The Handywoman as well as The Inquisitor and The Stylist?
CC: Did I understand the plot of this episode? No. Did I think Lyndsy Fonseca's flashback wig was ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AND RIDICULOUS? Yes. Did I join you in being bewildered by the presence of a sauna in Nikita's loft? Sure. Was I completely entertained by all of it anyway? Duh. Note to self: buy more white tank tops.

JB: Tyra hates bullying. She's dead against girls being made fun of for their body types or their unusual looks or their sexual orientation. That's why she sequesters them in an enclosed space, makes sure they're all jealous of each other and films the results. And i'm saying the lesbian is this year's plus-size winner.

X Factor
JB: This contestant is a total whore. No, she really is. That's what she does for a living. She charges 250 British pounds an hour(that's something like $6000) Not sure if she's worth it.

Gossip Girl
JB: Blake Lively isn't in The Town a whole lot but she dirties up nicely as an Oxy-gobbling townie slut. Her accent commutes from Boston to Abu Dhabi but she's pretty good. And that's all I have to say about Gossip Girl.

Hawaii 5-0
CC: I totally just watched this. I was totally entertained. I think Danno is my favorite. I'm pretty sure staring at Maggie Q and Grace Park all season is gonna give me an eating disorder (by which I mean, I will eat more, because fuck it, why bother trying). All that being said, I'm not sure this show is gonna have staying power with me, just cuz me and cop shows, as proven time and time again, are not so much ("Good for you, Justified! Good for you, Terriers! Now pardon me while I go watch something having to do with clothes.")

Boardwalk Empire
CC: I realize that the cynics and/or gangster history experts out there were totally not fooled, but please place me FIRMLY in the camp that thought the Al Capone reveal was like the MOST AWESOMEST THING EVER.

Dancing With the Stars
CC: "Why the fuck is Jennifer Grey crying? What's wrong with her? It's just a song. I mean, I know it's from a movie you were in, but get it together, woman, you're making a complete fool of yourself on national-- oh, right, Patrick Swayze is dead. Whoops." I didn't watch the vast majority of this but I watched enough to know that The Situation can't dance, which in no way contradicted any of the knowledge I had about him previously.

Lone Star
JB: One of the two lead actresses on this show is named Eloise Mumford. Soon as I saw her name I immediately thought of the indie-folky group Mumford & Sons and THAT VERY SECOND, a song by Mumford & Sons started playing on the very indie-folk-heavy soundtrack. The other lead actress is Adrianne Palicki and as soon as I saw her play a scene with the lead actor who is a freakishly exact genetic split between George Clooney and Kyle Chandler, I was reminded that Friday Night Lights comes back next month.

The Event
JB: You know how Flash Forward was like Lost's idiot cousin? The Event is like Flash Forward's slow-witted nephew. I hated this pilot because it set up a ton of questions that I know will never be satisfactorily answered but I already know I'll be watching next week.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

TV Club's Dog Days Are Over

Consume it here. Regret your empty materialism at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Mad Men
JB Joan Holloway suddenly aging, vulnerable, powerless and irrelevant. Where will she turn for solace? Lane Pryce. Mark my words. (Except if it doesn't happen in which case don't,but his wife doesn't want to come back to America and Dr. Rapey's shipping out to Vietnam, so mark them a little bit)
CC: I...didn't like this episode. The Dear Diary voiceover? No thank you. But that's okay, we'll always have last week's. And we'll always have Joan and Peggy's outfits from this week, which were stellar. And Jack & Bobby guy whom I just recently enthusiastically complimented, we hardly knew ye! That's okay. You're pretty, like what's-his-face said. You'll be fine.

Vampire Diaries
JB: Game on, indeed. I feared Dobrev would lack the thesp chops to pull off the necessary vamp swag. Wrong! She played Elena, Katherine, Katherine acting like Elena and nailed them all. I also feared Somerhalder overflowing with the milk of human kindness. Wrong again! And now Caroline's got his blood to bring her back to life which immediately made me think, Ah Harmony the vampire, but no, because Matt keeps her grounded. So what's going to happen to that relationship? I'm kind of overly-indoctrinated having pounded down most of the last season over a two-week period but this entire episode felt like it was twenty-five minutes long.
CC: I like that the hair people make Katherine curly and Elena straight, like otherwise we wouldn't be smart enough to tell. Nah, knock yourselves out, hair peeps, this show rocks no matter what. Damon getting the smackdown from BOTH the ladies and subsequently going ballistic? Gold. (And he and Katherine are hot together.) (And he and Elena are hot together.) (And I'm pretty sure you know where I stand vis-a-vis Team Stefan/Team Damon.)

Jersey Shore
JB: Wait, WHAT did Snooki call the miserable looking guy tagging along with her designated smush-victim? Was it grenade-grendle-choad? And then Jwoww said something like "I'm going to take Horny Goat Weed and masturbate". The Situation also showed that he had some standards by retreating from the herpe. Vinny showed he had none by smashing the Staten Island Dump.
CC: Man grenade! Why is man grenade somehow so much worse than the lady grenades? I felt, like, really terrible for that guy, more so than most of the hippos and other assorted beasts the guys have been dragging home. Maybe I'm just used to the female zoo animals because there've been so many more of them, or maybe there is a horrible double standard at work here and I really need to take a long, close look at myself and my values and what I find important in this cruel, complicated world. Yeah...no. By the way, how great is the running gag about the Fossil watch? I laugh every time.

America's Next Top Model
JB: Not gonna lie, my mind is kind of boggled that Tyra took the criticisms that Top Model's never produced anything resembling a top model on board enough to actually do something about it. Not only has she upgraded from Seventeen to Italian Vogue( no more Ann Shoket. Thousands cheer!) but she totally toned down her traditional shrieking camp big Worship-Me entrance. I'm not singling them out as favorites or potential winners but the only faces I remember are The Orthodox Jew With The Double G's( who immediately tossed her orthodox Jewry under the bus), The Girl Who Used `Persona' and `'Ingenuous' In The Same Sentence(And who looks nothing like Uma Thurman), The Girl Who Doesn't Like Semen On Her hands and The Sistahs. Tyra may have pulled it back a bit but she will still take a big shit on a girl just because she can. Case in point: the chimp-faced No Logo chick who was all, I-hate-pop-culture-it's-all-superficial. When she dropped the pose and wept buckets at missing the top 12, Tyra comforted her with a mocking `Why are you crying? I thought you didn't care about this?" Cold, Banks.
CC: I sped through most of this but I will second you on the stealth boobs. Literally that was the only thing anybody bothered discussing at my work the next day.

JB: And speaking of semen on my hand...I'm not mad at the prospect of Maggie Q on TV every week. But Nikita, to me, is a Bad Franchise. You know what I mean: Predator is a Bad Franchise, Alien is a Bad Franchise, Terminator is a Bad Franchise, Stargate is a Bad Franchise. There's no reason to keep going back except there might be a few more coins to squeeze out. I appreciate they skipped dragging us through the whole origins story once again(in fact, I spent most of the time thinking, this is the pilot Dollhouse should have had, and it's the one they ended up doing something like three episodes from the end). But the Beautiful Lady Assassin thing feels really dated. I've seen enough bad Maggie Q Hong Kong movies to know her fights don't need to be shot in close-up. Also, that scene where she faked out the bad guys by substituting a dummy in the graveyard? Made me dwell for a few minutes too many on the idea of her dragging a dummy with her as she walked moodily through the cemetery. Can't lie though. Didn't see the Lyndsy Fonseca( shouldn't that be Fynsyca?) twist coming.
CC: Me neither! I was totally entertained by this whole damn thing. A VERY satisfying body count (seriously...between this and Vampire Diaries, the surprise kills on the CW are coming fast and furious and it is awesome). Now, is Lyndsy Fonseca just a slightly less angular version of Missy Peregrym? Yeah. Yeah, she is. But I like her so far, this show is badass so far, and I will certainly be tuning in next week to see what outfits Nikita is wearing (yeah, yeah, the red bikini thing, everyone's flipping out over that...I was more struck by that aggressively structured coat she was wearing in the graveyard...can we talk about that? do we think the fashion angle on this show is ever gonna get up to Gossip Girl proportions? nah, it won't, but that would be awesome if it did).

JB: Aly Michalka has the look of a Ukranian prostitute. That's pretty much my only impression of this show. I know there was flipping and jumping and bendiness but the entire hour seemed like it was focussed on her face. I felt bad for Ashley Tisdale who looks like a thumbprint when she's next to her. Amazingly, that `My drunk mom vomited over me' speech is not the worst Childhood Trauma scene Michalka's had to play. There's an even worse one in the movie Bandslam which had the incredible bad luck to open a couple of weeks before Glee premiered and which, even by music movie standards, has one of the all-time great laugh-out-loud terrible climaxes. Oh, and not only was Hellcats all-Michalka-all-the-time, the commercial breaks featured ads for Easy A, where she plays the sidekick, and a horse movie starring her mushy-faced sister who sang a song that sounded like it was written by the horse.
CC: Tried. Couldn't.

Gossip Girl
JB: Katie Cassidy! Paris! Clemence Poesy! No Jenny Humphrey!
CC: Don't forget Lou Doillon! And Karlie Kloss! And outfits so ridonkulous that I literally shouted "WHAT?" at the screen when Serena's-- romper? black short shorts?-- getup appeared.

JB: Congratulations, 8 year-old Taylor Swift on the nice little song you wrote with your crayons.
CC: Oh my fucking god. Did you notice her feet? Those things are fucking boats. Seriously. She's a tall girl, but those things are even out of proportion to the spindly, tree-like stems that make up the rest of her body. I was thankful for them, though, because when I was shouting "Holy shit look how big her feet are," that meant I couldn't hear her off-key (as usual, as always, as predicted, as ever) singing. Hey Kanye! A year later? YOU WON AGAIN. Oh, Usher wins too. That performance was riveting.

X Factor
JB: Cowell made a vow at the start of this season. No more sob stories. No more dead dogs, incurable diseases, deathbed wishes of family members. He's been as good as his word. And do you know what he's replaced them with? Totally Staged Contrived Bullshit. Here's an example from this week's show featuring the young Biggie Smalls.
And here's the shattering conclusion:

More thought went into the plotting and character arc of that audition than the whole of Hellcats
CC: Is that guy the best singer ever? No. Is he a better singer than Aly Michalka is a dancer? WAY. (See, I did make it through part of Hellcats. Just not the whole thing.)

Scream Queens
CC: Jessica keeps winning the show one baby step at a time. My DVR cut off before I saw who got booted but I don't even really care at this point, I'll figure it out later. No, this space is for my apology to Gabby, she of the complete inability to master the technical aspects of acting on camera, because I had a brush with something similar myself a few days ago when we filmed this DVD extra for my work and it's not like I even had to hit a mark or anything, we just had to wait for these other guys to walk by before we came out this doorway, and we did it right, more or less, but before it happened I was totally standing there kind of confused and asking, "Wait, do we go yet?" and I suddenly thought to myself, "Oh, FUCK! I ripped on Gabby for this exact same shit and here I am, totally confounded because someone just asked me to do literally nothing more than walk down a sidewalk while a camera is rolling!" Yikes. Apologies, Gabby, and props to actors everywhere, because I also don't know how you aren't all dead of heat exhaustion from all the damn lights in your face all the time. Oh, also? Can we talk about how hilarious it is that they have to wear dresses for judges table or whatever they call it on this show, and that the dresses are always UNIFORMLY BAD? Seriously. That is some serious Forever 21 shit up in there, every single week; they always look worse than they do when they're in their casual clothes, and it's just ridiculous. I've already been blinded multiple times by the awful, awful reflections zinging off of every outfit's shiny, shiny, cheap, cheap material. That being said, SCREAM QUEENS 4-EVA!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

TV Club Wants The Door Left Open

Read it here and repent your sins or pay the price at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva
Mad Men
JB: That was beautiful. I watched it twice. Not just the best episode of the season, probably the best episode of anything aired anywhere this year. I fear Elisabeth Moss will be denied her Emmy (Laura Linney has CANCER, y'all. The Big C) but Hamm is undeniable. If there's better acting, better writing or more horribly real relationships anywhere else on Tv, they're on a channel I don't get and I get 6000 channels. Congratulations to Duck Philips for squeezing out the saddest fart ever.
CC: OMG this episode was so good. So fucking good. I can't even deal. I'm done. Oh wait, I'll touch on something that obviously gets lost in the whole rest of the awesomeness: very much enjoying that guy who was on Jack & Bobby.

Jersey Shore
JB: The Situation is worth every cent of that 5 million his publicist would like you to believe he's making. Did anyone else notice Jwoww break the fourth wall and grin straight at the camera?
CC: I kind of feel like I might be rooting for The Situation when he's on Dancing with the Stars (is he gonna fuck Karina Smirnoff? probably, right?). Like, I *want* to root for Jennifer Grey as the sentimental choice, and obviously once you see them dance, opinions can instantly change, but...yeah. The Situation. You have to kind of hand it to him, but not really, but yeah kind of really, with 1) how he totally got that girl the fuck out of the house while somehow making it sound like he was doing her a favor and 2) how he just owned that whole tranny thing. No defense. Just yeah, that happened, and was unfortunate, and moving on.

Rachel Zoe
JB: I have not yet seen Piranha 3D but last week I saw Donatella Versace in HD and now I get around with the aid of a white stick and a dog. Also in this episode, we got to meet a celebrity client who actually likes RZ. Kate Hudson. A surprisingly endearing goofy-funny, probably-slightly-high Kate Hudson who shut her eyes tight and busted out a few bars of Stevie Nicks. In fact, she acted almost exactly like Penny Lane in Almost Famous. Which is her only decent performance. Hmmm. The neglect-of-husband-Rodger narrative continued with him enlisting Hudson to persuade RZ to get pregnant. Rachel stage-whispered to Kate in this joking-but-not-really-joking-
at-all way, "I'm frigid." Again, hmmm.

X Factor
JB: This was the dud show Cowell didn't want us to endure last week. Here is the highlight. Stay till the end and you'll get to see this act's big hit.
CC: Oh, wow. WOW. Thank you, JB. A hearty thank you for continuing to keep up with this program and digging up these clips. I've been hearing a lot lately about a YA novel called The DUFF, which stands for designated ugly fat friend, because apparently there's always one in every group of girls, or something. Yeah...no. Not just one. Not just one of those here.

Vampire Diaries
JB: Wait, Mia Kirshner's in this?
Wait, Melinda Clarke's in this?
Wait, Jasmine Guy's in this playing a GRANDMOTHER?? (I am 145 years old)
Wait, vervain is an actual substance?
Wait, how did Katherine get in the house? Jenna didn't invite her in.
CC: Oh HO, but you should REWIND and watch again carefully to see what she said! And I know! Everyone's in this! How great is it? This shit premieres THIS WEEK! I am so excited for season 2 I can't even tell you (and how great was it that Nina Dobrev was on the Emmys last week...although...I must say...she's totally done that thing that all the actresses do where they lose a bunch of weight and come back for season 2 so much thinner (see also: Lea Michele) and she was obviously TOTALLY cute and TOTALLY thin before and did not need to do as such).

So You Think You Can Dance Canada
JB: Dipped an exploratory toe in. Probably won't be back. But if I did, it would be to check up on these two geeks:
CC: Aww, rats. I didn't really like that. And I wanted to! That guy is totally a poor man's Mark (shut up...I know a lot of people are a poor man's Mark...but I think that just demonstrates how delightfully expensive Mark is). I'm jealous that Canada still has those stairs though. Miss the stairs!