Monday, August 2, 2010

TV Club For Schmucks!

You are a fool if you don't read this here. You are less of a fool if you don't read it at but still a fool, nevertheless.

CC: SUCH a dilemma this week. I kind of don't want anybody to go home, and yet two people are going home, and I *really* don't want it to be Robert, and I assumed it would be Jose and Billy, and then Billy had himself a WEEK (that thing with, nothing bad ever happens when Mad World is played on a Nigel Lythgoe show...and his solo? KILLED IT!), so now I don't want Billy to go home either! I mean, how cute was it that Ade did a "Werk, Billy!" at the end of their routine? This damn show makes me so damn fickle. I change my mind every five seconds. By the way, did anyone else TOTALLY KNOW when that Kathryn/Robert army thing started that Kathryn was totally gonna be the one going to the army? Cuz AS IF they were gonna redo "No Air" that directly. Oh, and JB, I neglected to address this last week and then this week you didn't have to deal with it since she wasn't on: the Lauren Gottlieb love, yeah, that was a whole controversy season 3. If I remember correctly, people were kind of outraged cuz she wasn't getting the votes but the judges kept saving her, and people were wondering why cuz basically you either loved her or HATED her (and the answer is: even if you hated her, she is totally FANTASTIC live, like, better than she is on TV...she would blow your mind, JB, if you saw her on a stage), and then there was also this whole thing of she may have, like, literally kicked Lacey's ass (I sat next to some kids at the tour who were wearing "Team Lacey" shirts and I asked them if they knew exactly what had happened, but they were not very forthcoming with information...but yeah, apparently there may have been an actual physical fight). Which at the time seemed like "WTF?" and now, in hindsight, seems hilarious.
LOVED CAT'S DRESS. Loved the dress, loved the piles and piles of bracelets, loved the shoes, loved the tiny braids in the hair, loved all of it. My votes helped keep Robert safe!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! How priceless was his reaction? Adorable. Also loved Mia's opening number (Allison killed, as usual). Loved Billy's solo. I got nuthin' but love for all the parts I actually watched. That doesn't include the two seconds of Christian TV before I made a "WTF" face and hit fastforward.
JB:Okay, Hottlieb/ Schwimmer fight? Time stands still. Time starts back up again.(BUT NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME!) Lythgoe's America-fears-your-androgyny kiss-off would have cut more ice had it not come on the heels of Stacey Tookey's Rich Man& Hobo routine which Billy performed non-androgynously and with a wool cap covering half his face. Cat's dress? Really? I'm usually too appreciative of The Totality Of Cat to get caught up in the component parts but I actually said out loud, `A child would wear that dress.' And I'm not talking about a free spirit with the heart of a child. I'm talking about someone who cries and wets the bed. One of us knows nothing about fashion. Clearly not me. I just Googled Lauren Gottlieb/ Lacey Schwimmer fight. Here's what went down:

Jersey Shore
CC: I thought I was totally over this, then I watched the trailer a few weeks ago and was like fuck, I'm back, and after having seen the first ep I've settled somewhere in the middle, if you can call someone who's totally gonna watch next week somewhere in the middle. I can't help it. The Situation's reaction to Angelina wanting to sleep in their room, once she turned her back, that face he made? Gold.
JB: You know how you go on vacation and you end up hanging out with people you might not normally talk to but they seem like fun and you exchange numbers and make tentative plans to meet up once you're back home and then you do and you're like `What was I thinking?' I was on board all the way through Season 1. That's documented fact. There's no denying it. But...maybe it was Miami, maybe it was too much Angelina, but I was bored most of the way through this. I'll probably be back, too. That shit with Ronnie getting obliviated at the club? That was a vision of hell.

Project Runway
CC: Yeah, the way to revive a lackluster show is to make it half an hour LONGER (not technically a problem for me since I watched the whole thing in ten minutes) and take away the best part (no Models of the Runway? Will we never know this year's Cerri? Awww.) But for the love of god, if there's ONE thing we've learned from watching this show over many seasons, it's that if a designer says the outfit they made is "sexy but not vulgar," it is DEFINITELY VULGAR.
JB: Selma Blair was like a corpse.

Mary J Blige on Home Shopping Network ( yes, really)
JB: I found myself watching the last half hour of this by accident but had I known it was on I would have happily sat through the full two hours. Because this was like the movie, Speed. You remember Speed: bus goes slower than 50mph, bomb goes off. In this case, HSN presenter stops talking for one second about Mary J Blige's new perfume My Life, MJB cuts her. You know when you've been talking for hours and you're aware you stopped making sense a while back back but you're so deadly afraid of an awkward pause or a lull you start repeating stuff you've already said but in a manic, giggly way? That's what this half-hour was like. The HSN woman was showering praise on MJB like she'd cured cancer, resurrected The Christ and brought peace to the Middle East. As for MJB, who doesn't waste words--I interviewed her back in my journalist days and, let me tell you, I was one flop-sweat soaked white boy at the end of that ordeal-- all she had was `Wow'. After a while, she'd said Wow so often, she broke into a fit of coughing which took her through the entire final fifteen minutes. Btw, first new person to follow either of our blogs wins a bottle of My Life. I may have ordered one...

Mad Men
JB: Creepy Glen's back! And he's transferred his affections from Betty to Sally which can only end well. Freddie Rumsen's back! Trudy Campbell's back! (Overpraising Alison Brie seems to have become a national trend and I'm part of it!) Sal's nemesis is back and I hope Roger Sterling gets to exact revenge for that Xmas party humiliation somewhere down the line. Hard to pick a bleakest moment between Peggy's post-coital look of horror and Don treating his secretary like a whore.
CC: I would like to punch Nurse Acrossthehall in the face.

CC: This show is driving me nuts. I have never seen this many different varieties of busted white people, yet at the same time, I can't tell anyone apart, probably because every single cast member is operating at the exact same extremely low level of energy. Is nobody alive on this show? Every scene feels like it takes forever, and yet when they end it and cut to the next scene, you're like "What the fuck? Did anything just happen?" I mean, Miranda Richardson picked up a book and I was literally yelling at her to pick it up faster, because why do you need to pick it up that slowly? Just pick it the goddamn up! And everything looks drab and boring. And Rubicon's hair is still way too Mr. Schue-ish, and Girl Rubicon's boobs were inexplicably up and out this week, even though isn't she supposed to be some square academic type? I don't know, I didn't quite finish watching. Argh, I say! Although actually what I say is an annoyed, theatrical, "RUBICON!" every time something happens that's actually nothing, which is every five seconds.

Don't Stop Believing
JB: I'm stunned Fox didn't throw together a zero-budget show choir version of Idol to fill their tragic summer schedule. I'm even more stunned i didn't know until now that exactly such a show is currently stinking up the UK. This is the BEST performance of the night:
CC: Oh no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

1 comment:

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