Tuesday, August 31, 2010

TV Club: All Of The Mocking. None Of The Jay

Make a commitment to read it here. Or sneak around behind my back at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Mad Men
JB: This whole season is one long grim exercise in `So you think Don Draper's cool? What about now? Still like him? How about now?' Just in case stealing Danny Strong's idea, floundering his way through a boozy attempt to save the Life pitch and waking up with a grenade wasn't enough, we also find out that Don wasn't even hired on his merits but because of holes in Roger Sterling's alcohol-soaked memory. And Jared Harris is quietly ruling as Lane Pryce.
CC: This was my fave ep of this season since the first one. I am a sucker for flashbacks...it totally reminds me of the flashbacks on Buffy (yeah Danny Strong!) when we got to see Angel and the other vamps in old timey-times and okay, sure, there was a lot of ridiculous hair and bad accents, but come ON, you got to see how it STARTED, you got to see how it HAPPENED, and we got to see that here tonight! Um. But. I get that it is easy to make Slattery look younger just by changing his hair color a bit, but this show has NEVER been able to make Jon Hamm look any younger than he looks right this very second. I don't know how old he is, but I'm thoroughly convinced that he has looked 39 his entire life, and this show's flashbacks with him never do anything to change that. He'll probably still look 39 when he's 85 so he's got that going for him. Oh, also, looooved the Joan/Roger flashback. Adorbs.

Jersey Shore
JB: Loved The Situation's Ocean's Eleven-calibre elaborate plan to put the hippopotamus to sleep. Loved the unhurried footage of Jwoww perking up the girls. Loved The Situation being the bigger man and de-excluding Angelina from anchovy night. Didn't even hate Ronnie and Sammi if only because of the Technical Emmy-worthy editing in of incriminating debaucheries when Ronnie was protesting his innocence. Didn't love Snooki and Jwoww lying about the letter. Especially Jwoww declaring "I've done my duty as a good girlfriend."
CC: I just love how ridiculous that letter actually is. There's only so many people in the house. There's only so many people in the house who would tell on Ronnie. And yet. The letter is somehow some big mystery. Except that it isn't. And Sammi's an idiot.

Rachel Zoe
JB: If I ever enrol in John Homa's acting academy, I might perform a monologue based on Roger's to-camera interludes from this episode. Despite venting about RZ's reluctance to have a child, her disinclination to spend any time alone with him on her anniversary,how she's become a completely different person-- they aired film from the RZ/ Roger honeymoon: she IS literally a different person--how weary he is of trailing in her wake while she gushes over Oscar de la Renta, he half-heartedly insists he loves her more than ever. And after I perform that monologue, Homa would say, "I got nothing to teach you. Get outta here!" Btw, nine (9) mentions of Taylor this week.

No Ordinary Family
JB:ABC is foolishly previewing their new superhero show online. Luckily, I've edited it before it airs. I took all out the times Julie Benz talks about how hard she works and how little time she gets to spend with her family. Boom: 15 minutes gone right there. I took out all the times Michael Chiklis talks about family: how memories make a family, how family has to stick together through good times and bad, how important is to for a family to play catch and eat breakfast together, basically any sentence featuring the word family. 20 minutes of fat trimmed. I took out whichever member of the untalented Panabaker clan was whining and moping. 6 minutes. And I removed the special needs son. What are we left with. Autumn Reeser. I like this show.

Aarti Party
JB: Just like it was foretold in ancient prophecy Jessica would win Scream Queens, so it was obvious Aarti Sequira(sp?) would walk away with The Next Food Network Star. Sure, she had confidence issues but she also had that lilting posh accent, that megawatt smile, that impressive boobage and that background in Indian cuisine which the network was lacking. Now, the Scots have a rapacious national appetite for Indian food( the chcken tikka massala was born in the kitchen of a Glasgow restaurant. FACT.) so I was looking forward to Aarti's vehicle. But, guess what, The Food Network is STILL lacking an Indian show. What they've got is kind of a half-assed how-to-make-the-same-cheap-
and-simple-stuff-all the-other-chefs-with-weekend-shows-make. But with cumin and ground ginger. And cutesy names like Huggy Buggy Bread Pudding and I Ain't Chicken Chicken and Mumbai Sloppy Joe. One thing was different, though. You know how Giada always has a ticking clock? She's always got to cook up a storm because her friends are coming over or there's some delightful event? This was Aarti's ticking clock:"My accountability group is coming over for dinner." Your what now? She said it again in the second segment. "My accountability group is coming and we've got some heavy stuff to talk over." I sat through Aarti's Huggy Buggy Bread Pudding recipe because I was intrigued. Segment Three: "My accountability group and I will be discussing our dreams". So then there was one more bit where she proudly displayed the entire meal she'd made. And then...the show ended! The accountability group never appeared! What was that about?
CC: I didn't watch this but I'm already fascinated by this accountability group. Is this, like, a lottery-type thing (and I'm talking Shirley Jackson's short story here) where they all say they're gonna do stuff, and this group holds them accountable for doing it, and then if you don't do it by the time the next group meeting happens, they take matters into their own hands and punish you? Because what if Aarti said she was gonna win Next Food Network Star, and then she DIDN'T? She'd be dead right now! Stoned! To death! By her accountability group!!! Aaaa!!!

X Factor
JB: What a tumultuous week. Cowell publicly apologized for the use of auto-tune in the first episode. The woman whose clip I put up last week was disqualified on the grounds that she was mentally ill. (They keep moving the goalposts!) Another woman who acted like she'd just been unfrozen from a block of ice and put on a stage where she had to grapple with unfamiliar concepts like microphones and audiences was unmasked as a cold-hearted scam artist who already had a record deal. Finally, Cowell scrapped the scheduled show, declaring it substandard( once again, he moves the goalposts) and substituting one featuring the heartwarming triumph of a fifty year-old supermarket worker who is going to be the Irish Susan Boyle. Sorry, NOT going to be the Irish Susan Boyle. Also from Ireland-- the home, lest we forget,of those talented twins who now have their own reality show which I will never watch. Sorry, WILL watch--one of the best talent show auditions ever. I'm not even kidding, stick with this:
CC: Oh! That was joyful. I am full of joy.

Scream Queens
CC: Yeah, yeah, Jessica didn't get leading lady, whatever, she's still winning this thing. Gabby needs to-- like, how the hell do you not know where your mark is when it's a BIG ROCK right in front of you? And even if you have to look at it, does it have to be EIGHT TIMES? It's a rock. It's not moving. It's not going anywhere. Walk toward it. Like, she can't hit a mark, she doesn't wait till she hears "Action!", she-- she literally-- I mean, dude. It's not gonna do you any good to be acting up a storm (which she was NOT doing, anyway-- I just watched the finished Vampire Outlaws trailer on vh1.com and boy did she suck in it) if at any second you might walk right off the set mid-scene because you don't know where it, or the camera, or the marks, or the props, or the other actors, are. It's crrrrazy how bad she is at that stuff. AND I CONTINUE TO LOVE THIS SHOW.
JB:"Okay Sierra, now try it a little sexier." AHAHAHAHAHA!!!. "Now, maybe a little meaner." AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! "Can you do it tougher?" AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

NJ Housewives Reunion
CC: I'm only halfway through this so far but MY GAWD. How great was Teresa going completely ballistic like that? Great. GREAT. GRREEAAATT!

JB: I may have watched that opening number more than once. Plus, I now have a handy way to describe a movie, TV show, person, activity or experience I admire, respect, encourage but want no part of. Temple Grandin. Example-Q:"Are you going to see the movie of Eat Pray Love?" A:" It looks very Temple Grandin."

Movie Club

Scott Pilgrim
CC: Loved it.
JB: Seems like there's real love/hate divide w/ this one except with me who neither loved nor hated it. But I paid enough attention to have a favorite line of dialogue. Here it is. From a random Toronto hipster just before the first Schwarzman face-off: "The first album wasn't as good as the first album."

Piranha 3D

JB: Remember how last week I hilariously suggested they make an Expendables cast with middle-aged actresses? THEY ALREADY DID!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Mixtape Club:Some Rapper Needs To Get On This Track And Make It A Hit All Over Again While, At The Same Time, Completely Ruining It

Bomb The Bass. `Don't Make Me Wait'. Stare at the spinning vinyl and think charitable thoughts towards the individuals who post the original video on You Tube but make it unembeddable.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Like Nanny McPhee, TV Club Returns!

Read the whole truth here. Try to see through the web of lies at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Mad Men
JB: I'm not a prude(ie: I'm a bit of a prude) but when little Sally Draper was rubbing one out to Ilya Kuryakin, I was thinking less about the negative influence of an ugly divorce and an icy, uncaring mother and more about the ten year-old actress who had to play the scene. I know kids today grow up a lot faster than I did back in the 1930's, but still...(I care too much. IS THAT A CRIME??) Fantastic Slattery acting when Roger Sterling who doesn't give a shit about anything suddenly gives a giant shit about doing business with the Japanese. The wacky Honda commercial fake-out caper that followed is a prime example of this show's genius at transitioning effortlessly from the horrible bleakness of it's characters personal lives to a bit of business that makes you cheer for what is really another hollow triumph for Don Draper.
CC: I *hate* that new secretary. I think that whole plotline is stupid. It was funny the first time she showed up and now I'm totally over it. We don't need this comic relief. We've got Pete Campbell flailing around in a twitchy and hilarious manner no matter what he's doing, we don't need all this forced nonsense about some dinosaur secretary that Joan would NEVER HAVE PUT ON THAT DESK IN THE FIRST PLACE because Joan is a fucking PROFESSIONAL and wants the office to RUN WELL. There's a middle ground where the woman is old and married and Don won't bang her but she can at least work a goddamn phone. That being said, I was informed today that Secretary Dinosaur is in fact the woman who played the Karate Kid's mom. Therefore, all is forgiven.

Rachel Zoe
JB: The ghost of Taylor the sullen, supposedly sample-stealing stylist is haunting this season like a...um...ghost. She may be a much-missed presence but her bad attitude lingers on. Look at the A-list clients RZ finally persuaded to appear on camera with her. Demi Moore acted like she was at a funeral and Gwen Stefani's face was a mask of disdain. But you know who really doesn't like RZ? Her husband, the Forty Year-old Justin Bieber. He did what no-one on a Bravo show has ever dared do: he expressed weariness at being surrounded by a fawning gay entourage. He gave voice to his fears that his wife is on a fast track to ending up a barren, fashion-addled idiot. The cracks in Rachel's sham marriage would have been the highlight of last week had Naomi Campbell not made an appearance. She referred to assistant Brad as Brian, she made Rachel quake in her boots, her accent had fifty passport stamps on it and there was not a moment when she didn't seem like she was about to go berserk. Why does she not have a reality show of her own? Hello? Bravo?

Scream Queens
JB: Should not have axed Carly. Carly ate raw meat. The real boogeyman in this show is John Homa. What a grizzled hack. I went on his website. The two most glowing testimonials? Taylor Momsen and Eric Balfour aka always the worst things on every show they're on.
CC: I will defend John Homa to the death. That guy is awesome. He got all of them (well, most of them) to cry last week! Come on! That shit is RIVETING to watch! Are you kidding me? I love him. He's the best part of the show. You know, aside from horrible insane bitches having to scream while maggots fall into their mouths as their dreams get crushed every two minutes because everything that happens in that house is one big actress mindfuck. I mean, only giving TWO makeovers? That's genius. That makes everyone else happy, because yay, that means I already look good, but also paranoid, because oh no, what if they make them look good, and that's not even the start of it for the girls who actually have to go through it. I LOVE THIS PROGRAM. Jessica's gonna win, and like last season, we knew that from the very first episode.

Jersey Shore
JB: "Ronnie turns into a different person when he's drunk". Yeah, he turns into a RAGING COKE FIEND. I didn't realize when they set up the Ronnie/Sammi split back in the stupid live reunion show that we'd be getting a season that was all Ronnie/Sammi all the time. With this cast? With these personalities? That's your main story? And the stuff about Sammi briefly quitting the show after another big bust-up with Ronnie? They were back filming in Jersey when that went down so we've got MONTHS of this shit to come.
CC: Did you read that article about The Situation possibly making 5 million dollars from all his endorsements and whatnot? Yeah. That's happening.

X Factor
JB: It's back! And, in it's wake, a controversy that Cowell is secretly auto-tuning favored contestants which has become the UK press's own Ground Zero mosque. From episode one, a performance that made it into the next round: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cXxooHiaug
CC: Um, okay. Wow. That...okay, this makes me feel vaguely like when I first heard of Two Girls One Cup or people who get off on videos of kittens being crushed to death with a stiletto heel. It's like, "What? Who would-- why would-- what? Who would invent that? Why would anyone invent that? Why would someone invent that and then other people enjoy that?" And yet, OF COURSE somebody would. It's a big world out there and everything out there that you have heard of or not heard of, someone else has heard of it and likes it. Anyway, so, congrats, Shirlena. Why not.

The Big C
JB: Someone should make an Expendables out of all these Showtime quirky-moms-with-problems half-hours. Laura Linney has cancer and she's never felt so alive! Mary-Louise Parker is a happy homemaker who deals pot on the side...or is it the other way round? Edie Falco is a pill-popping nurse. Toni Collette has multiple personality disorder. Together they're out for vengeance!
CC: Everyone I know refers to this show as "The C Word" either accidentally or on purpose. Seems about right.

Vampire Diaries
JB: Just begun to shovel my way through this. More to say in coming weeks. For now, I have this observation:
Stefan: Katherine had this amazing laugh. You wanted to make her laugh just to hear it.
Cut to:
Katherine (laughing): Sneee-heee-heee-snort...
CC: JB, you've got a lot to look forward to. See my previous (months ago) comment about how the storylines on this show end up being positively Spartacan in ludicrosity. Just you wait. Did you see the trailer for this upcoming season? Insane. [THERE WAS THIS OTHER SENTENCE HERE BUT I ERASED IT CUZ I REALIZED IT WAS A SPOILER FOR YOU.]

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Monday, August 2, 2010

TV Club For Schmucks!

You are a fool if you don't read this here. You are less of a fool if you don't read it at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva but still a fool, nevertheless.

CC: SUCH a dilemma this week. I kind of don't want anybody to go home, and yet two people are going home, and I *really* don't want it to be Robert, and I assumed it would be Jose and Billy, and then Billy had himself a WEEK (that thing with Ade...man, nothing bad ever happens when Mad World is played on a Nigel Lythgoe show...and his solo? KILLED IT!), so now I don't want Billy to go home either! I mean, how cute was it that Ade did a "Werk, Billy!" at the end of their routine? This damn show makes me so damn fickle. I change my mind every five seconds. By the way, did anyone else TOTALLY KNOW when that Kathryn/Robert army thing started that Kathryn was totally gonna be the one going to the army? Cuz AS IF they were gonna redo "No Air" that directly. Oh, and JB, I neglected to address this last week and then this week you didn't have to deal with it since she wasn't on: the Lauren Gottlieb love, yeah, that was a whole controversy season 3. If I remember correctly, people were kind of outraged cuz she wasn't getting the votes but the judges kept saving her, and people were wondering why cuz basically you either loved her or HATED her (and the answer is: even if you hated her, she is totally FANTASTIC live, like, better than she is on TV...she would blow your mind, JB, if you saw her on a stage), and then there was also this whole thing of she may have, like, literally kicked Lacey's ass (I sat next to some kids at the tour who were wearing "Team Lacey" shirts and I asked them if they knew exactly what had happened, but they were not very forthcoming with information...but yeah, apparently there may have been an actual physical fight). Which at the time seemed like "WTF?" and now, in hindsight, seems hilarious.
LOVED CAT'S DRESS. Loved the dress, loved the piles and piles of bracelets, loved the shoes, loved the tiny braids in the hair, loved all of it. My votes helped keep Robert safe!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! How priceless was his reaction? Adorable. Also loved Mia's opening number (Allison killed, as usual). Loved Billy's solo. I got nuthin' but love for all the parts I actually watched. That doesn't include the two seconds of Christian TV before I made a "WTF" face and hit fastforward.
JB:Okay, Hottlieb/ Schwimmer fight? Time stands still. Time starts back up again.(BUT NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME!) Lythgoe's America-fears-your-androgyny kiss-off would have cut more ice had it not come on the heels of Stacey Tookey's Rich Man& Hobo routine which Billy performed non-androgynously and with a wool cap covering half his face. Cat's dress? Really? I'm usually too appreciative of The Totality Of Cat to get caught up in the component parts but I actually said out loud, `A child would wear that dress.' And I'm not talking about a free spirit with the heart of a child. I'm talking about someone who cries and wets the bed. One of us knows nothing about fashion. Clearly not me. I just Googled Lauren Gottlieb/ Lacey Schwimmer fight. Here's what went down: http://community.livejournal.com/_sytycd_/446778.html

Jersey Shore
CC: I thought I was totally over this, then I watched the trailer a few weeks ago and was like fuck, I'm back, and after having seen the first ep I've settled somewhere in the middle, if you can call someone who's totally gonna watch next week somewhere in the middle. I can't help it. The Situation's reaction to Angelina wanting to sleep in their room, once she turned her back, that face he made? Gold.
JB: You know how you go on vacation and you end up hanging out with people you might not normally talk to but they seem like fun and you exchange numbers and make tentative plans to meet up once you're back home and then you do and you're like `What was I thinking?' I was on board all the way through Season 1. That's documented fact. There's no denying it. But...maybe it was Miami, maybe it was too much Angelina, but I was bored most of the way through this. I'll probably be back, too. That shit with Ronnie getting obliviated at the club? That was a vision of hell.

Project Runway
CC: Yeah, the way to revive a lackluster show is to make it half an hour LONGER (not technically a problem for me since I watched the whole thing in ten minutes) and take away the best part (no Models of the Runway? Will we never know this year's Cerri? Awww.) But for the love of god, if there's ONE thing we've learned from watching this show over many seasons, it's that if a designer says the outfit they made is "sexy but not vulgar," it is DEFINITELY VULGAR.
JB: Selma Blair was like a corpse.

Mary J Blige on Home Shopping Network ( yes, really)
JB: I found myself watching the last half hour of this by accident but had I known it was on I would have happily sat through the full two hours. Because this was like the movie, Speed. You remember Speed: bus goes slower than 50mph, bomb goes off. In this case, HSN presenter stops talking for one second about Mary J Blige's new perfume My Life, MJB cuts her. You know when you've been talking for hours and you're aware you stopped making sense a while back back but you're so deadly afraid of an awkward pause or a lull you start repeating stuff you've already said but in a manic, giggly way? That's what this half-hour was like. The HSN woman was showering praise on MJB like she'd cured cancer, resurrected The Christ and brought peace to the Middle East. As for MJB, who doesn't waste words--I interviewed her back in my journalist days and, let me tell you, I was one flop-sweat soaked white boy at the end of that ordeal-- all she had was `Wow'. After a while, she'd said Wow so often, she broke into a fit of coughing which took her through the entire final fifteen minutes. Btw, first new person to follow either of our blogs wins a bottle of My Life. I may have ordered one...

Mad Men
JB: Creepy Glen's back! And he's transferred his affections from Betty to Sally which can only end well. Freddie Rumsen's back! Trudy Campbell's back! (Overpraising Alison Brie seems to have become a national trend and I'm part of it!) Sal's nemesis is back and I hope Roger Sterling gets to exact revenge for that Xmas party humiliation somewhere down the line. Hard to pick a bleakest moment between Peggy's post-coital look of horror and Don treating his secretary like a whore.
CC: I would like to punch Nurse Acrossthehall in the face.

CC: This show is driving me nuts. I have never seen this many different varieties of busted white people, yet at the same time, I can't tell anyone apart, probably because every single cast member is operating at the exact same extremely low level of energy. Is nobody alive on this show? Every scene feels like it takes forever, and yet when they end it and cut to the next scene, you're like "What the fuck? Did anything just happen?" I mean, Miranda Richardson picked up a book and I was literally yelling at her to pick it up faster, because why do you need to pick it up that slowly? Just pick it the goddamn up! And everything looks drab and boring. And Rubicon's hair is still way too Mr. Schue-ish, and Girl Rubicon's boobs were inexplicably up and out this week, even though isn't she supposed to be some square academic type? I don't know, I didn't quite finish watching. Argh, I say! Although actually what I say is an annoyed, theatrical, "RUBICON!" every time something happens that's actually nothing, which is every five seconds.

Don't Stop Believing
JB: I'm stunned Fox didn't throw together a zero-budget show choir version of Idol to fill their tragic summer schedule. I'm even more stunned i didn't know until now that exactly such a show is currently stinking up the UK. This is the BEST performance of the night: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvm7ReTCu5o&feature=channe
CC: Oh no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.