Monday, July 26, 2010

The Best Little TV Club In Texas!

Read it here or read it but read it somewhere.

CC: ANOTHER MAN DOWN! Jesus christ. What's WITH this season? Anyway, Billy Bell aside, this week was of course not going to reach the insane crazy heights of last week. I will say I looove Adechike and reiterate that I LOOOOOVE Robert. And boy...I wonder what would've happened with that step routine if Billy hadn't busted a knee...because with Twitch in there, who the hell was looking at Kent? Also, I love Cat and generally think her self-styling is a delight, but this week she appears to have just wrapped herself in tissue paper and called it a day. And the results show? Don't even get me started. That was a total shocker...maybe I shoulda seen it coming, but I figured they would just boot Billy for our 3rd injury boot in a row and be done with it. The only other thing I have to say, and I sincerely mean this as a compliment to BOTH of these ladies (for reals!), is that Lauren G. looked right at home as a backup skank, whereas Allison did not (and Dom was FANTASTIC. have I mentioned that I'm totally into Dom this year? I'm totally into Dom this year). Anyway, fun math question, how many of that ballerina's spindly upper arms do you think could fit in one of DJ Smart's thighs? Because those are some thighs. And those are some spindles.
JB: What if it's a plot? What if the serial crippling of male dancers is a pre-meditated act by a contestant hellbent on flipping his way to the finish line? Suspect #1 would obviously be Kent. Behind that farmboy smile is the cold heart of a killer. Too obvious. Froderman? She didn't have to lift a finger and the other girls fell down like dominos around her. But all those boys were still standing in her way. Possible. But what if there's more than one guilty party? Remember when Mia Michaels called Adechike a doughnut hole? What if that was misdirection? What if they were in it together? I smell my next best-seller here. One more thing: I wasn't fully on board with this show during it's first three seasons so this is my first exposure to Lauren Hottlieb, BUTT...if there's a flaw to this All-Star format, it's this: whenever she's dancing with a rookie, I'm watching a solo.

Mad Men
CC: Did I throw my arms up and cheer at the first glimpse of Joan in that office? Yeah. Yeah, I did. I can't even talk about this show, it's so awesome. Next.
JB: Don and Betty Draper. Together they were toxic. Apart they're a tragedy. Up until Tobacco Road kicked in at the end, this was a merciless look at a man out of time. That Old Draper Magic failed with the one-legged reporter, didn't persuade the supernumerary up to his apartment, forced him to hire a hooker for Thanksgiving slap-me sex and, most grievously, caused him to throw a tantrum in front of the it's-not-a-bikini-its-a-two-piece-bathing-suit clients. And he's still fascinating. Whereas the ex Mrs. Draper...I just hope Mad Men stays on the air long enough for little Sally Draper to grow up into a uncontrollable badass who treats her mother like complete shit. Oh, and Roger Sterling? King of comedy.

CC: I can already tell I'm not gonna be smart enough to understand this show, and the fact that 80% of the cast mumbles 90% of the time is not helping. Also, Rubicon's hair makes him look like a busted Mr. Schue. #rubiglee
JB: Seconded. But the creator was voluntarily removed after ep 1 and replaced by a guy who was one of the main writers from Homicide which, if we were doing TV Club Classics-- and we probably should have during these threadbare summer months-- I would have been hailing as one of the best shows ever ever. So I might let the DVR hoover up a few weeks and check back in.

JB: ABC Family's approach to casting makes The CW look like Diane Arbus. It's bizarre enough that a show about a fat camp ends up between their regular output of Skinny Weeping Teens In Trouble but it's doubly, maybe even trebly, weird that it's a show about a fat camp that's shot and acted like an indie movie It's slow and dreamy and there's lots of unspoken looks and averted eyes. And even though all the promo stuff made Nikki Blonsky out to be the Randall P. McMurphy i-love-my-XXX'ness shit-stirrer of the camp, she ends up being semi-buried under the enormity of the rest of the cast. By enormity, I mean there's a lot of them. Not that they're enormous in any other capacity. Which, of course, they are. But if that's their choice, I'm fine with it.

The Client List
JB: Jennifer Love Hewitt is a total whore. In this movie! This Lifetime movie I found myself watching intermittently but mittently enough to file the following observations:
1) Number of occasions JLH's character and supporting characters refer to how great-looking JLH is: Really a lot.
2)Number of scenes in which JLH breaks down into racking sobs before the economic downturn forces her into prostitution: several.
3) Number of scenes in which JLH's character breaks down into racking sobs in the formative stages of prostitution: several.
4) Number of scenes in which JLH's character breaks down into racking sobs after the Texas police raid her place of business and lead her in handcuffs to a waiting police car in full view of rabid local news teams who broadcast the story live so that her husband sees her while he's pounding back beers with his buddies at the bar: every single scene.
5)What happens when we cut away from the scene revealing JLH's raging cocaine addiction? We cut to a scene in JLH's kitchen where her innocent little daughter pipes up ` Mommy, can I have a Coke?' and a wired-looking JLH snaps `WHAT did you say?'
6) How does JLH's husband confront his wife after he finds out how they've suddenly been able to pay the mortage? In the most pathetic way possible. He sobs his way through a monologue about how his old dog got sick and he didn't have the strength to put it down. So she sang The Beatles' `In My Life' to the dying dog and then carried it to the vet to put it out of it's misery. And then came back to comfort him. Through tears he tells her, "You're not that girl anymore."
7)How successful a whore was JLH at her peak? So successful that corporate heads would fly from Germany to her bordello. At the back of a massage center. In a small town Texas strip-mall.
8) What's the surprising fate of the whores who justify their profession with a cheerful chorus of `It's better than waitressin'? They become waitresses.

Movie Club
CC: This movie can be summed up thusly: awesome stuff, boring stuff, awesome stuff, boring stuff, cool coat, bulletproof wings, kid from Tokyo Drift.

JB: this movie can be summed up thusly: repulsive, splattery, freakish, the Splice creature sort of adorable? She is! Splice is adorable! Oh no, there's erotic mutant heat between Adrien Brody and Splice? Are they gonna do it? They're gonna do it! And Brody's girlfriend and Splice co-creator Sarah Polley( memo to Sarah Polley: act more) sees them do it. Which can only lead to a killing spree climaxing in mutant sex change rape.

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