Tuesday, June 1, 2010

You Look Terrible, TV Club Looks Amazing!

Get your fix here or attempt to get clean at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

JB: When Mike O'Malley went into the `Would you call that cheerleader a retard?' section of his big speech, I was like, `Is he talking about Brittany?" And then, `Oh, there's that other cheerleader, the one who...right, I get it."That was a standing-O performance and I'm sure fathers and sons were weeping into each other's arms all across the country but this Kurt-loves-Finn plot is kind of creeping me out. De-gay it and it's a story about a stalker who manipulates two single parents together so he can have instant access to his prey. If that was a boy/girl scenario, you'd be rooting for the girl to unload a hail of bullets into his nutsack. But you know what I hated more than that? Every word out of Mr. Schue's mouth: "I've been reading about the Haus of Gaga!", "Alright, little monsters..." Nobody thinks the teacher who tries to be cool is cool.
CC: I hate Glee more than any of the other shows I've loved. There were SO MANY things wrong with-- you know what, I don't even feel like starting. It exhausts me. Nitpicking the writing exhausts me. And nitpicking isn't even the right word because that implies I'm finding little tiny problems with it instead of big huge ones. But again, exhausting, and I do have tons of love to give here, so instead I'll just say that I am elated that Harry Shum got to talk, and that he was adorable doing that little cat gesture, and I absolutely loved "Beth." Okay. Next.

JB: Note to director Lythgoe: please consider cutting back on the long, lingering reaction shots of judge Lythgoe and let us enjoy the efforts of the people who dance. It was a delight to see Shankman and Mia return but then they did this THING. They do it every season. I know they're going to do it but it still makes me sick. A person described by Mia Michaels as a `woman of size' auditioned. She was pretty good. Shankman starts crying. Mia starts crying. It's the You-are-beautiful-no-matter-what-they-say-moment. Shankman and Mia compete through their tears to exaggerate the sizey woman's brilliance and to berate themselves for their own prejudices. And then, just as they've done to deaf dancers and dwarf dancers in the past, they usher the big girl through to choreography and then crush her dreams and send her home. Which they were always going to do because THERE ARE NO SUSAN BOYLES IN DANCE. The dude who positioned himself as Legacy 2.0 looked like he sucked as badly dancing with a partner as the hefty chick. He sailed through to Vegas. Why? because he's a skinny guy with a million dollar smile and he can spin on his head. If anyone from SNL, or someone funny, was watching, the hideously inappropriate father/daughter team are your next recurring characters.
CC: *jumps up and down* It's back! It's back! It's back! It's back! :D But it's the audition shows where the ratio of things you actually want to see as compared to things that are just a huge, gigantic timesuck is like 98 to 1. Wait. Reverse that. Yeah. Oh, but remember when Giselle Peacock auditioned season 1 with her husband, Artem, and he made it and she didn't and they got divorced and then later he was dating Carrie-Ann Inaba? Cuz I remember.

American Idol
JB: A long time ago, I used this demented little platform of ours to suggest the next series of SYTYCD adopt an all-star format which, more or less, is exactly what has happened. That's an indication of the power and influence we wield here at TV Club. So here's a further recommendation. Give American Idol to Ryan Murphy. He knows music. God knows he knows themes. He knows talent and he knows how to put on a show. These are alien concepts to everyone currently employed on Idol. I've watched Simon Cowell enough to know that he generally means the exact opposite of everything he says. So when he delivered his farewell speech and he said `The show will go on', he was actually saying "The show will decline and it will be excruciating to watch." When he stood in front of a battalion of ex-winners and runners-up and told America, "You're the real judges and you've done an incredible job," his true meaning was "Look at this mess: two stars and a bunch of Broadway cast members. Thanks for the cash, you inbred colonial peasant scum."

I just want to say something about Ellen starting a label to showcase the talents of that little Paparazzi piano prodigy. I know how this is going to end. It's going to end like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=za76HcGordY

Brandy & Ray J
JB: Okay, backstory: first time I flew JetBlue, I discovered Giada and we all know how that turned out. A few months later, I sat through an iCarly marathon and deplaned convinced I'd seen the reincarnation of the traditional laughtrack sitcom. So much so that I went home and hit Record Series on the DVR. What a mistake that turned out to be. I flew to New York last month. Hence, Brandy and Ray J. The premise they've concocted here is that Brandy and Ray J's momager--a legit hardass phonethrower-- realizes she's used up the best years of her life steering her kids' careers so now she wants them to step up and take control. This sets up a bunch of storylines. One is about mom and pops, who's kind of a jazz-funk Yoda figure, rebuilding their relationship. Fast forward through that shit. Another is kind of a black Entourage with Ray J and his crew. This seems like it's not going to go anywhere but actually pays off in the end when Ray promises to put his rapper buddy on a track and then stabs him in the back. But the main reason to watch this series is to see Brandy get kicked in the teeth. If you have any kind of life, you might not recall her previous reality effort, an MTV show chronicling her blossoming from America's sweetheart to young wife and mom. You might also have forgotten that the dude identified as her onscreen husband came forward and denied they were married. That the whole show was a sham and a lie designed to protect it's star's image. The existence of a daughter is entirely erased from this series but that's the only time any concession is made to protect Brandy's image. Her career is at a standstill. Her own mother laughs in her face when she attempts to remake herself as a rapper. She seethes with jealousy at the fact that everyone considers her brother--who made his name with a sextape and a dating show-- the bigger star. She throws a tantrum and actually accuses her mom of liking Ray-J better. (And she totally does! He calls her by her first name, shows up late and hungover to meetings, enjoys a mid-day lapdance and she treats him like she just gave birth to him.) An entire episode is devoted to the chance that the rapper Flo-Rida might ask her to be his Grammy date. She buys a whole new wardrobe, gets her hair done, spends an eternity agonizing about what the media will make of them, whether they'll be perceived as the hot new couple or whether they'll just be seen as friends...and then he blows her off. And then, in the series finale, her publicist basically tells her, the only thing about her anyone is interested in is the accident. Of course! Brandy was involved in an car wreck a few years ago. The other driver died. There was an out-of-court settlement. If this show avoided any mention of her daughter, I was pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere near The Accident. But it went there. She spent the entire episode getting terrible, conflicting advice, from her family about whether she should go on Larry King or Oprah. She cried through the whole hour. Eventually, she decides against it and that's probably the only moment in the entire series where she hasn't been portrayed as a giant loser.

Britain's Got Talent
CC: What the FUCK?
JB: And, from the first semi-final...THIS which at the time of writing I am going to describe as the funniest thing i have ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcYYqUYRI_k

Eurovision Song Contest:The Final
JB: My plan was to fast-forward through this, only stopping when something bizarre happened. I stopped a lot. I stopped at the Spanish entry which was soy-bombed by a stage invader:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQwTtklX2Wk I stopped at the Russian one which looks like it's being performed by a group of suicidal off-duty trawlermen. This is a hellish dirge but I urge you to stick with it for the unexpected bit of stagecraft which shows up at the start of verse 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx516tQ-2vg I stopped at the Ukraine entry. I don't know for certain if the singer is an Eastern bloc sex-trafficker's brilliant, damaged teenage girlfriend but I'd be disappointed if she wasn't: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xdgr8g_eurovision-2010-ukraine-alyosha-swe_music And, of course, I stopped at the UK which was written by the team who pumped out all those Kylie Minogue, Bananarama, Dead Or Alive and Rick Astley hits in the 80s. That is correct, the team who haven't produced a hit in over twenty years. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRpGGs8fcsg&feature=fvsr Catchy song. Charismatic singer. Inventive choreography. That's what Britain was missing. Which was why, once again, we ended up DEAD LAST.
CC: Ukraine is what Abbie Cornish would be if she were a vampire. Not a judgment-- I have neither a positive nor a negative opinion of a potential Vampire Cornish-- just a statement of fact.

Best Thing I Ever Ate
CC: Rookie mistake, show! The theme this week was grilled, and they started off with this truly awesome-looking mongolian pork chop, and then followed it up with...oysters. Um, no, guy whose name I forget. Despite what you claim, the first thing you think when you think "grilled" is not oysters. I respect that everyone has to come up with something different or else you'd just get eight steaks in a row (which would be fine by me, actually), but...oysters? Especially AFTER you've done this awesome giant pork chop? Come on. And then this other guy picked korean BBQ. Now, korean BBQ can be superfucking good, yes, but then he gets all excited about all the different little dishes they bring out with it as if this is the only restaurant that does that, when EVERY korean restaurant does that. That's their whole thing. Also, they put so much makeup/spray tan on Michael Chiarello that he was practically unrecognizable. Like, his face literally looked like a different person's face. Or rather, like Michael Chiarello's face but melted in an oven and then left at room temperature to firm up a little bit, but only just a little. No Giada this week. Sorry, JB.

NJ Housewives
CC: Okay, there's "so bad it's good" and there's "so bad it's just plain uncomfortable to watch and I took no pleasure in any of this whatsoever and even typing this right now is giving me the heebie-jeebies." This episode, with all of Danielle's delusional statements and shady-doesn't-even-begin-to-cover-it friends, was the latter. Bigtime. Also, I was horrified to discover that I own the same dress as Scary Blond Lady. I may have to burn it now anyway, but trust me when I say that it looks better on someone who is not a five hundred fucking year old zombie bitch.

Party Down
CC: Season 2's best ep yet. If this show were Spartacus, this would be the one where the guy with the huge dick gets his huge dick cut off. Which hopefully means that next week someone's getting the comedy equivalent of their face smashed into a marble step. Awesome.
JB: Magnicifent! Farce!

1 comment:

ThisGirl Lori said...

One of the best TV Clubs I've ever read. Thanks especially for the Brandy and Ray J show description and the link to the singing pig video!