Monday, June 7, 2010

TV Club Can't Be Tamed!

Shatter stereotypes with a non-alcoholic Scot here and a non-tech-savvy Asian at

CC: Oh my fucking god, this show makes me so angry. I love so much about it. I love so many of the people on it. And yet. AND YET. Okay, first of all, whatever the FUCK that thing was where Mr. Schue was "seducing" Jane Lynch or whatever, it was unwatchable (see, I can't quite describe it because I COULD NOT WATCH IT and therefore am not quite sure what it was). The few seconds of it I saw made my skin crawl. That ENTIRE FUCKING STORYLINE made my skin crawl. I don't need to see it. I don't need to see Mr. Schue trying to be all sexy or whatever, and you know what, while I'm at it, I don't need to see his reaction shots to ANY of the songs EVER again. Plus, stop saying "funk"! How the FUCK many times did various people say that fucking word in this ep? WE GET IT! WE FUCKING *FUNK*ING GET IT! Shut the fuck up! Also? ALSO? How WEIRD was that pregnant girl dance? No! No thank you! I'm happy Dianna Agron got to sing, I thought she sounded good, from what I heard of it through my CRINGING at the pregnant backup dancers doing all their weird moves (like...have them be pregnant or not...if they're all really hugely pregnant, why the fuck would they choreograph some of those way-too-dancery moves for them, but at the same time, GROSS to the moves that were like, aggressively pregnant stomachy ones, and the fact that Courtney Galiano was one of the dancers did not make up for any of this). Most of the music in this episode sucked and most of the scenes were positively anger-making. The writing. Again. WHYYY??!!!! BUT. There is a silver lining. PUCK is the silver lining. He was adorbs during Loser, even though they cut that song off way too early, and he and Finn were SUPER SUPER ADORBS during Good Vibrations (and Puck was ABSOLUTELY ADORBSEST when he was doing that floor move...that cracked my ass up). Also, a STELLAR use of Mercedes there. Can they please do every single C+C Music Factory song now too? Thank you. Seriously, how cute/hot were those boys tonight? And wasn't it a bummer that Harry Shum didn't get to dance with them, you could just see him itching to jump right off that chair. Anyway, so I watched Good Vibrations like six times and large parts of the rest of the episode not at all. By the way, why is the lead girl in Vocal Adrenaline 40?
JB:So now I have to remove Tell Me Something Good from my iPod and my eyes from my face. How funky was that climactic performance of Give Up The Funk? As funky as a slice of Wonder Bread. With a dollop of mayonnaise on top. Being eaten by Kirk Cameron. At the premiere of his powerful new movie God Just Likes Me Better, Jew. Only thing that saved this episode which, I believe Fox ran out of sequence so they could show the Gaga one the week of the Idol finale, and that was Marky Mark. James Brown? George Clinton? Not in this talented ensemble's wheelhouse. The Funky Bunch. Totally in their lane. I might have been fooled by their thesping abilities but it looked like Puck and Finn were way into it, too. I'm sorry to say I was distracted from the mysteries of the Groff storyline and the totally organic, believable sisterhood developing between Quinn and Mercedes by obsessing over what other 90s radio hits could be ripe for reinterpretation. Here Comes The Hotstepper? Pump Up The Jam? Gonna Make You Sweat? *checks CC's post* You took the C&C Music Factory out of my mouth! Nobody takes the C&C Music factory out of my mouth. Stay away from 90s dance-pap. That's my territory. I'll give you grunge. I'll give you Loser. But that's it.
CC: 3am Eternal by KLF? :)
JB: Hands off the Ancients of Mu-Mu!

SYTYCD Wednesday
CC: Awwww! Kent Boyd is just the cutest thing ever! He's way too young for this right now but good lord, bring that kid back when he's 22 and has got some more life lived in him. Just adorable. ADORABLE! I like Alexie Agdeppa better this year for some reason. Maybe cuz she was just so gosh-darn smiley. Also, I'm already aware that Ryan Ramirez did NOT make it, and sorry, but Ryan wuz robbed. The fact that Lauren Froderman made it over her? A crime. A travesty. Now, I fully believe that they're just saving Ryan for next season, but come on. ENOUGH with the SUPER-genero Mollee-ish blondes, Nigel. I mean, you REALIZE what happened to Kherington, right? KHERINGTON'S A FUCKING PUSSYCAT DOLL NOW. This is what happens to your genero blondes! If you have to go blonde, which I know you have to do, can it at least be a Ryan Ramirez type? *sigh* Wait. Holy shit. I just read-- I hadn't-- I read the spoilers before but I didn't realize that Kent Boyd made it. Holy shit! Kent Boyd FTW! (There's no way he's gonna win. I'll probably be really angry and sad the first time they make him do a latin dance with Anya and the whole thing just looks pervy and ridiculous and he fails miserably, because there is just literally no way that anything other than that would happen should that pairing occur...I mean, imagine it. IMAGINE HIM TRYING TO DO THE SAMBA WITH ANYA. He would literally be scorched right off the stage. But right now I loooove him as I would love a small kitten that showed up on my doorstep.) I do not feel the same way about Tapper Girl, who makes the top 10. She seems like someone who would be sneaking out of rehearsal to do drugs every five seconds and then when she runs out of drugs, do whatever it takes to get more drugs, if you catch my shady-sexual-favors-in-exchange-for-drugs drift.

SYTYCD Thursday
CC: Oh my god. Bryan Gaynor. I cried. I'm not kidding. I was crying right along with Joey Dowling, and it was the weirdest thing, but that's what happened. Because here's what happened: they show Bryan Gaynor, and I'm like YES! THAT GUY! Because we all remember him, cuz he's awesome. And then blah blah, catching up the people who don't know about the scoliosis and whatnot. And then he starts dancing, and holy shit. Because-- okay, first of all, it's always great to see people on this show improve over the years. Like, it's one of the REALLY great things about this show-- you see someone audition, and because people keep coming back, and they keep training in the meantime, most of the time, they get better. They really do. And it's just awesome to watch someone improve like that. Also, as people get older and get more life experience, they connect with the music more, their performance quality gets better, blah blah, all that stuff that the judges are always talking about and maybe it sounds cheezy but it's also all true. Anyway, so here's Bryan Gaynor, and you obviously know he's gonna kick ass, cuz that's what he does, and he starts dancing, and...oh my god. Because. He's gotten better. HE'S BETTER THAN HE WAS LAST TIME. Last time he did Ain't No Other Man and it was great and hilarious and wow-worthy, but this time, whatever that song was-- oh, it was Fireflies by Owl City-- it was-- like...he's GROWN, dude. He's matured as a performer. His musicality was great before but now it's off the charts, and picking that song just made it more emotional somehow (and I didn't even like that song before). Like, a few years ago-- and by the way, can I just add that yes, he has scoliosis, but it's not even about that, I mean, the show talks about it and yes we know it's there and yes that sucks, but this is not about that, and it's also not about the fact that this whole thing was clearly prearranged just so they could invite his crew on the show, which is gonna be awesome-- no, it's about the fact that he is LITERALLY THE BEST HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET AT DOING WHAT HE DOES, AND HE'S GOTTEN EVEN BETTER OVER TIME. It was apparent SO quickly once he started dancing, and tears literally SPRANG to my eyes, and I was like WTF is going on, and then Joey Dowling's crying and smiling through tears, and I'm crying and smiling through tears, and I rewound it like 10 times, and that is so awesome that he has a crew now, and can they please audition for ABDC stat, because THEY'VE ALREADY WON. Okay? If the rest of his crew is anywhere near his level, or even if they're not? HIS CREW HAS ALREADY WON ABDC. Okay, that is more or less out of my system. Onto other things: yay, Alex Wong is back! And holy shit, Billy Bell got better too! I didn't even like him last year, really, I thought he was too much of a little kid, but his Vegas solo tonight was stellar-- sooo dramatic, and then boom, at the end he's back again to a cute little kid. Also, Anthony Burrell got robbed...I really liked him, and I know he didn't make it, and that sucks. Also, that girl with the Marge Simpson hair, I have NOOOO idea why they like her so much, because she is super annoying and totally anorexic. By the way, I might weirdly love Toni Redpath. She's sort of like this sexy older bitch, and then she was being super mean during choreo which was oddly compelling, but then she's got interesting, nice things to say a lot of the time during judging (although I have NO IDEA why the fuck she practically straddled that meth head-- I didn't watch his backstory, I don't know if he was actually a meth head, but there's some drug thing there, right?). She found that sexy? She wanted to bang that? Huh? Anyway. I apologize for the length and complete incomprehensibility of everything I just wrote, but you see, people, I LOVE THIS SHOW. I love it so fucking much I don't even know what to do with myself.
JB: How the fuck do you...I do not remember ONE name of ONE person I saw on either of these shows. I remember the bug-eyed meth guy. I remember brittle bone hair chick ( if I had any punning skills, I might call her Crapunzel. But I don't). I remember the Iranian girl who, from the way they're previewing her dramatic `I have to leave the show' announcement, probably ends up not leaving the show. I was literally about to type the question: have we seen Toni Redpath before? Once again, you beat me to it. Stop beating me to things. I have so few things. Didn't you get a `Is that Scarlett Johansson's hot mom?' vibe first time you saw her? And then she displayed human emotions so, clearly not a member of that family. Yeah, liked her when she got all breathless and humid over the drug guy. Liked her even more when she started yelling in Vegas. Which brings me to...what's the story with Mary Murphy? Has being demoted to occasional choreographer sucked the air out of her lungs? Where once she was voluble, now we barely hear a peep out of her. Not that I'm complaining.

Party Down
JB: Warning: don protective eyewear and, perhaps, a bib. Because I'm about to spray superlatives all over the place. Fantastic episode.UK-Office-level great. Lizzy Caplan has never been more adorable(am I going down the adorbs road? Nope.) Just enough Caplan/ Adam Scott to make you want to root for them as a couple. The Ken Marino story was a mix of slapstick and heartache and redemption and then more heartache. Ryan Hansen + Martin Starr= comedy gold. I never quite got Megan Mullally's character until this week but she finally fit right in. And something happened that hasn't happened in a long time and, I'm relatively certain, will not happen again for an even longer time. Kristin Bell was great. Which is not to say that Kristin Bell isn't great because she absolutely is, it's just that she's picked a career path which only rewards people when they're really, really not great at all. Can't fault her for chasing those Heigl romantic-comedy paydays but it's painful to think we'll never again get a chance to see her play a scary, stone-faced, heartbroken bitch.

Oprah. (That's right, Oprah!)
JB: Last time I watched Oprah? James Frey. Hilarious. The badass in the book who fought, fucked drunk and drugged his way into oblivion didn't show up for the taping. The guy who answered to Frey's name had a trembly lip and a squeaky Mickey Mouse voice and he flinched when Oprah made her displeasure known. This time, I wanted to see if Sarah Ferguson would get a similar spanking. I'm going to say I feel a bit bad for Fergie. I think she's kind of a Countess LuAnn figure who'd cheerfully booze, vacation and freeload her way through life. Except that Diana died. Which left a void for a people's princess. And the harder she tried to fill it, the more the British public and the press disliked her. (Not only is she no Diana, she's not even the main Fergie anymore). So now she's embroiled in this scandal where a British tabloid caught her on tape selling access to her ex-husband and, rather than address it in the Uk where's it's headline news, she went on Oprah to clear her name. Or something. This wasn't James Frey. Oprah wanted to understand. She wanted to empathize. She wanted to hear Fergie's story. But Fergie couldn't remember her story. So she tried a bunch of different tactics. She third-personned: "The person on that tape is a Sarah I do not recognize." She started to go the I'm-an-addict-a-hopeless-addict route: "From an early age, I made food my friend." She double-whammied with her charity work and the wisdom of wounded children: "I think of my time in Sierra Leone and how little Mohammed told me `I forgive the man who shot my leg off'" She tried the new beginning tactic. "I feel like I've been peeled like an onion. Like I'm finally free to fly. It's a new beginning. I'm so blessed." Oprah kept trying to steer her back to the tape. The incriminating tape where she's knocking back malt whiskey, puffing on cigarettes and negotiating the handing over of a briefcase stuffed with a half-million pounds for an introduction to Prince Andrew. You know how sometimes you find yourself sitting at bar and the people next to you are talking loud enough that you can't help but overhear their conversation even though the names and the situations mean nothing to you? That's what Fergie's explanation was like. It. Made. No . Sense. It wasn't for her. It was for her fiend. And it wasn't a half million pounds. It was 40,000 pounds. Except that she suddenly decided she was going to ask for a half million. Because she knew the guy with the briefcase was actually a reporter. Even though he was passing himself off as a businessman. It made so little sense that Oprah, who was not there to be hostile, who clearly wanted a clean confession, a few tears and the opportunity to offer wisdom and compassion, had to stop her and say `"What are you talking about?" At which point, Fergie descended even deeper into a labyrinth of confusion and lies. Oprah was staring at her like, `This bitch is crazy'. Eventually, she ended the show with the statement, "I am looking at a morally bankrupt person." Fergie looked pleased and said "That's genius." Next stop: Dancing With The Stars or Bravo. Or more scandals. Probably all three.

True Beauty/Losing It With Jillian/ America's Got Talent/ Half-Pint Brawlers/Downtown Girls/The OCD Project
JB: A shitload of new shows started last week. I will never watch any of them again. But, of the fragments I did see, here are my findings:
True Beauty: I was like an angry baby on a plane trying to sit through this. Some kind of model prank show. Went nowhere.
Losing It With Jillian: Never watched Biggest Loser. Mad-looking trainer moves in with fat family, yells at them, finds out deep dark secret, makes them cry, hugs them.
America's Got Talent: Okay, so Britain's Got Talent produces stars, obsesses the entire country, has the best hosts on UK TV and treats Piers Morgan as the shit under Simon Cowell's shoes. The US version takes a different approach.
Half-Pint Brawlers: Midget wrestlers. I hit delete when a stripper staplegunned a five dollar bill to a dwarf ballsack. Because I'm mature.
Downtown Girls: Hey, this new MTV show about a relationship blogger in New York and her friends , the publicist, the lawyer and the...uh..other chick sounds just like...*click*...
The OCD Project: a houseful of compulsive handwashers, lightswitch flickers and face touchers. A shiny-headed doctor who tries to shock them out of their rituals by licking their shoes. I might keep watching this.

Britain's Got Talent
JB: An incredibly regimented gymnastic team won. No gimmicks. No sob stories. Just hard work and pure talent. Now let's watch a clip of the creepy semi-finalists who claim to be father and son:
CC: What the FUCK??? (I like that I can usually predict what I'm going to say to these clips even before I watch them, and I like that it's always what the fuck, and I like that it always indeed ends up being what the fuck.) Because seriously...what the fuck?

MTV Movie Awards
CC: Did Anna Kendrick always have those boobs? Oh, by the way JB, if you're already shocked that I can remember names of SYTYCD people, check it: one of Katy Perry's backup dancers was Paula Van Oppen, who was never even in the top 20. That routine had blowjob choreography, didn't it? I wasn't really paying attention but I'm pretty sure there was some in there. Not a big deal compared to Christina's light-up vagina heart. How did she get that idea? Did she wake up one morning and go, "You know what? Light-up vagina heart, that's what," and then her husband was like "Cool" and then she was like "I know" and then her kid was like "Waaah!" and then she was like "Light-up vagina heart." Probably that's exactly how that happened. What else. I really liked KStew's outfit. I thought Jessica Alba looked great. I thought watching Katie Holmes watch Tom Cruise dance was weird. I think Zac Efron is really hot and I don't know when that happened, but it's happened. And I liked Aziz Ansari's thing about only being able to sit on purple things. I feel like I should have more to say but it ultimately didn't turn out to have any really super memorable wtf moments or anything, not really. KStew almost fell down a couple times, right? Par for the course. Let's just say that still, to this very day, nobody has been able to beat this:
JB: Yeah, Katie Holmes. It was like halfway through she suddenly realized, "That bald guy is the famous actor, Tom Cruise!" Halfway through Katy Perry's song, Russell Brand had this look on his face like, "I think I've made a terrible mistake." Lindsay Lohan looks great for 47. Sandra Bullock: so brave! And, hey, did you notice Angelina Jolie was nominated for Salt which isn't out for two months? I think I'm done with awards shows. Except, it's the Tonys next week and I actually paid to see some shows so I feel like I'm invested. But after that, I'm definitely done...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Just some info about Bryan Gaynor
He is now in the crew RemoteKontrol
Look them up on YouTube
Also, The show was NOT prearranged for his crew to perform on the show.