Monday, May 17, 2010

TV Club: Now With Extra Legroom!

Normal service resumed here. Abnormal behavior continues at

CC: Seriously. Stop with the "this week, your Glee club assignment
is..." device. Stop it. Stop it. That being said, "Jesse's Girl"
was OBVIOUSLY a delight, although I don't know what the deal was with
Oliver Platt Quadriplegic. You've already got a guy in a wheelchair,
and Friday Night Lights already did it way better, I see no reason for
you to bring in Oliver Platt Quadriplegic. Although I did like the U2
song at the end. And "The Boy Is Mine." And Heather Morris's run
that ended in her telling Kurt he could tap this. And next week we've
got Joss Fucking Whedon, the GLORIOUS JOSS FUCKING WHEDON! Remember
the last time he did a musical? Remember how good that turned out?
Yeah. Exactly.
JB: Best of the post-hiatus episodes which isn't saying a whole lot but still... Puck brings the sensitive asshole Jew power: "King Martin Luther loved the Jews!" And Sue Sylvester dropped the immortal, "So you like showtunes. It doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you're awful." And the Mercedes/Santana Brandy/Monica-off was, I'm not going to say fierce... what's a better word? Abundant. There was an abundance going on. But yeah, show that already brought in a deaf choir, did you need to shame Rachel Berry and, by extension, us, with the classic rock-loving quadriplegic? I fear a krumping leper lurking around the corner.

Gossip Girl
JB: What did one of my favorite TV Club correspondents predict? "Gossip Girl doesn't do potentially awesome storylines. I love the idea of Lily ending up another Sunny von Bulow but it's more likely that Chuck unearths incriminating material and Bad Dad disappears in the space of two episodes." When did I write that? Two weeks ago( although it only appeared on CC's side of the fence due to circumstances beyond my competence). Good going, me.

Vampire Diaries

Party Down
CC: I'm lying, I'm not caught up on this yet. I'm just putting this
here so I can trace the similarities in the development of my
relationships with Vampire Diaries as well as the actor Adam Scott
(who's on Party Down) and was also, as previously mentioned in this
here blog, on the most depressing show ever, Tell Me You Love Me, as a
dude named Palek, which...come on. Because the way they developed are
kind of the same. Here goes: Vampire Diaries I went from watching on
the computer a few days late every week, only half-paying attention to
the scenes that didn't have vampires in them, and enjoying it in a
"wow, this is way better than I thought it was gonna be" way on
account of my annoyance with Twilight and my undying loyalty to Buffy,
to what I just demonstrated above: obsession. OB. SESSED. This
fucking show ROCKS. It was positively SPARTACAN in how it picked up
momentum over the course of the season, and now? Are you kidding me?
I have to wait all summer before we find out what happens next? ARGH!
God I love when TV is this good. It gives me energy. I mean this
totally unironically. Anyway it sort of follows the same trajectory
as how I've felt about Adam Scott over the years, which can be summed
up as: "He's a rapist. He's totally a rapist. Why is he so rapey?
He's pointy. Oh, he's funny. Wait, is he adorable? Okay I love
him." So yeah. That happened.
JB: I wonder if this Vampire Diaries of which you speak will be another Supernatural for me ( I'm working my way through season 5, should be ready to post the intel in a couple of weeks). I'll let you know in three years. Yikes, I completely forgot about Tell Me You Love Me, to the best of my knowledge, the ONLY show HBO ever cancelled after one series. (No-one watches Treme-renewed after ONE episode, no-one watched How To Make It In America-renewed, Life & Times Of Tim-renewed, Arli$$ ran for something like 8 years. It really is not TV)(UPDATE: I thought of another one: `Lucky Louie'. Also cancelled after one series.RIP). And Adam Scott wore the stunt cock. And now he's awesome. I was a big liker of Party Down's first season which, had TV Club been around, I would have spoken about thusly:
JB 09: Rob Thomas, who is both the forgotten man of YA (not, it's not me. You have to be known before you're forgotten. But seriously, check his books out: they're awesome and non-whiny) and the creator of Veronica Mars and the fondly-recalled, disastrously revived Cupid, is behind this show about failure in Los Angeles. Pretty much the entire VMars ensemble pops up here, either playing caterers desperately clinging on to their dreams of Hollywood employment, or the horrible guests whose glasses they refill. I'm one of those Brits who grudgingly came around to the feel-good US Office. But Party Down captures the bleakness of the UK original. Case in point: the episode about the movie producer's daughter's sweet 16. None of her cool hipster friends show up. The girl is distraught. She's inconsolable. Then a bunch of her discarded childhood friends trickle in. She's even more distraught. But the caterers, in particular the one played by Lizzy Caplan ( who I never recognize. I'm always like, Who is that? I bet I'm not the only one. I bet she spends her days smiling politely as assholes come up to her and say "Guess what, I kissed a girl and I liked it, too!" or "How come you were such a bitch to that dude in 500 Days of Summer?"), who empathizes with being tossed aside for a more socially acceptable clique. persuade the girl to hang out with the people who really know her and care about her. And she does. And she has an awesome time with them. She remembers what made them friends in the first place and she realizes how much she missed them. And then guess what happens? That's right: the asshole hipsters show up and the girl TOTALLY abandons her old friends. Abundant storytelling. Speaking of which, I think the Hottie sequel is going to be a huge hit...
JB `10: I wasn't planning on waiting for an episode as good as that one before I started writing about Season 2. I would have settled for something as delightful as the one at the porn awards after-party where Ken Marino's character is revealed to be packing a monster (yes, he, too wore a stunt cock!). But I haven't really been feeling the first few shows. People who know things are of the opinion that next week, set at a party in Steve Gutenberg's house, is the one where it all comes together. Also, Adam Scott debuted on Parks & Recreation last week playing almost exactly the same part as he does on Party Down. Okay, he's a former teenage mayor rather than an actor who appeared on a beer commercial but they're both guys who peaked too soon and live lives devoid of hope.

America's Next Top Model
JB: Didn't watch it. Don't care who won. BUT... Tyra's Modelland goes to the top of the list if/when we ever start YA Book Club!
CC: WHEN, my friend. What with Tyra and Hilary Duff both entering the fray and surely becoming instant bestsellers, you know this is happening. If I had any clout in the book world I'd try to get my hands on ARCs of these babies so we could review them right and proper even BEFORE they hit the shelves, but, you know. Clout. And lack of.

The Hills
JBL Didn't watch it. BUT... I'm starting to get a real Star 80 vibe from S&H. ( Star 80? And no sooner did I have that thought than ESPN guy Bill Simmons tweeted the exact same thing. So, me and a nationally read columnist and pop culture expert are of the same opinion: Spencer will murder Heidi.

Junior Apprentice
JB: I thought I was done with the whole rotten franchise, US and UK versions. But I've found myself enjoying CelebApp this season, probably because of Bret Michaels' instant transformation from walking STD to American Hero. And now there's this BBC spin-off which is hilarious for many reasons. The driven, ambitious teen tycoons are all between sixteen and seventeen. That's a deadly age. You could have blossomed into full womanhood at that age. Or you could be four-foot-eleven with a mouthful of metal and a tendencytogetreallyexcitedands
peakreallyreallyfast. You could have a healthy allocation of facial hair. Or you could be all teeth and ears and embarrassed to open your mouth because you never know if what comes out is going to be really high and squeaky or really low and croaky. The contestants on Junior Apprentice come in all of these varieties. And, of course, they all talk the Trump bullshit: "I'm giving 150%" `"Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing." "I'm a very competitive person. Get out of my way or I'll run you down." Now imagine that fighting talk coming out of flushed, spotty faces, accompanied by nervous giggles. The kids are all slugging it out for the mentorship of the British Trump, a guy called Alan Sugar who made his millions selling cheap, unreliable personal computers. Sugar recently became a Lord. That's correct, the kids have to address him, at all times, as Lord Sugar. If the show wasn't ridiculous enough, watching the teens in their pin-striped suits saying `Thank you, Lord Sugar' in unison makes you feel like you're watching a freakish, profit-based fairy story. I recommend you venture 17 seconds into this clip:
CC: Wow. 17 seconds indeed.

CC: Team Stefon.
JB: Team girl who enjoys hanging out with her parents a little too much.

Miss USA Pageant
CC: You know when you're planning on watching something ironically and then it's so bad you can't even actually go through with it so instead you become best friends with the fastforward button? That's what happened here, especially since I didn't realize Johnny Weir was one of the judges until the very end. Love the completely dead eyes on California as she said "My passion is happiness and love." Also, now they have to do a voiceover as they're walking in their evening gown and Mississippi's was "My gown is red, sexy, and flowy, just like me." What? WHAT?! What does that even-- you PRE-TAPED your voiceover. Did no one tell you that yours makes no sense whatsoever, or if it DOES make sense, then totally sucks to be you, because WHAT? Christ. Anyway, Michigan won. I would say this is a victory for all of us girls from Michigan except for the fact that it is so clearly not.

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