Sunday, May 23, 2010

God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On TV Club!

Embrace the sugary goodness here or pay the price at
Gossip Girl
CC: There is only one person I hate as much as I hate Little J on this show, and that person is Georgina Sparks. So YAY that Little J is gone, but FUCK that Georgina Sparks is back. You giveth and you taketh away, show. Something else you giveth me that I do not want? Penn Badgley's chest hair.
JB: Georgina Sparks was MIA for most of this season because she was full-time on an NBC nurses -in-New-Jersey show called Mercy which was cancelled a couple of weeks ago. Nobody watched it. Michelle Trachtenberg's already forgotten she was in it. It probably wasn't very good. But I inexplicably recorded the entire series and, over the past few weeks, I whizzed through the whole thing and, totally standard medical show though it was, I kind of enjoyed it.(Even with the desperate mid-season recruitment of Dawson Van Der Beek as an asshole surgeon with a bizarre doctor-to-the-mob backstory) Georgina Sparks--whose rookie nurse wins the respect of the hard-bitten veterans when she pulls a bowling-pin out of a patient's ass-- isn't the only Gossip Girl connection. The girls who played Blair's bratty minions showed up in supporting roles. I miss those bitches. Seeing them just reminded me how much better Gossip Girl worked when it was set in high school.

CC: So, here's what you do that would make my life a whole lot better. You take Neil Patrick Harris. You take Mr. Schue. You BOOT MR. SCHUE off the show. And you put Neil Patrick Harris in his place. Ta da! The show just improved by about 5000% and that's even before we figure out whether NPH comes back playing the same character or a new character or is just suddenly Mr. Schue now with no explanation, or what. Doesn't matter. Show automatically improves. Also, THANK YOU for finally taking Artie out of his wheelchair for the dance dream sequence. I've only been waiting for that ALL GODDAMN SEASON. I saw on Jane Espenson's twitter that she offered to write an episode for them. That would only be like the greatest thing ever in the world to me. I'd watch the fuck out of that. You know what else I watched the fuck out of?

CC: There was a minor clothing dispute between myself and myself as to whether I would wear a yellow dress in honor of Halo/Walking on Sunshine, or simply put on an outfit more or less reminiscent of Cute Redheaded Guidance Counselor. I went with Guidance Counselor, then I realized that looking all prim and proper and buttoned up like she does is not very comfortable, so I said fuck it and changed into regular clothes, and thank god, because those ended up being MUCH more conducive to all the dancing and cheering I found myself doing all throughout the show. Because that show fucking ROCKED, people. First of all, LXD opened, and if you thought seeing those flippety-flippety dudes flippety-flip all over the place on TV was cool, well, see it live. Plus, Harry Shum got a huuuge solo number and it was ADORABLE. Then there was intermission, during which I nearly lost it upon seeing Mark Kanemura (MARK FUCKING KANEMURA OF SYTYCD FAME!) walk by in the audience. Then Glee kicked off with Don't Stop Believin' and it was just nonstop action until the end. Seriously, they strung all the songs together with nary a second to breathe, which was great, of course, but I mean, I could've used some time to calm down between Defying Gravity and Bust Your Windows, because okay, Defying Gravity was so awesome it nearly killed me (my face, I'm absolutely certain, had the same slackjawed "omg whaa?!" expression as some of the kids in the background of that youtube of Justin Bieber Part Deux singing Paparazzi) and THEN to follow it right up with the RIDICULOUS DANCE FIERCENESS OF HEATHER MORRIS in Bust Your Windows? What are you, kidding me? Because that girl was killing it all over the place. KILLING IT DEAD ALL OVER THE PLACE, IN EVERY NUMBER, ALL NIGHT. She and Harry Shum wiped the FLOOR with the rest of the cast, dance-wise (like, you don't think that Harry Shum simply pumping his fist is gonna look so much better than, say, Cory Monteith pumping his fist, because come on, it's just a fist pump, but it DOES...and there were moments in Dancing With Myself where they both danced with Artie and it was just...just awesome). But the thing is? Everyone else was awesome as well. Kurt? Killed it. Voice like an angel. Asian chick? Killed it on True Colors. Naya Rivera? SO great in person! Artie? Killed it. LOVE HIM. FUCKING LOVE HIM. And then? Lea Michele (who, it goes without saying, also killed everything flat dead in Spartacan manner) is onstage towards the end and she's like "my very best friend in the whole world is here" and of course all of the people in the audience who know who that is, including me, we're all like "OMG GROFF!" and sure enough, out comes Jonathan Groff and they sing Hello together. OK, I wasn't really reading reviews of the show, so I don't know if he does this every time or if he only did it at this show or what, but it was fucking AWESOME and also so great to see them reunited since, of course, last time I saw them together on a stage, it was in Spring Awakening and he was spitting all over her and she was shoving her naked boobs in his face and blah blah germans and teens and sex and abortion and death and blah blah blah. The point is, great show. Oh, also, that Confessions/It's My Life mashup is fucking HOT live. Now everybody go watch this and picture it happening on a stage in front of your face except BETTER and as if you almost already died hearing a downright GORGEOUS rendition of Defying Gravity:
JB: Genius review. Gold star. Nothing to add except...DAMN YOU TO HELL for planting the seed that NPH could be transferred to Glee. Because if that could happen then Matthew Morrison could be dispatched to How I Met Your Mother and thus be dead to me. But that's never going to happen. STOP MAKING ME WANT THINGS I CAN'T HAVE! If I was writing for Glee, I'd pitch a storyline about a female Herc from FNL transferring to Glee School and freaking out( while secretly intriguing) Artie with her ballsy hell-on-wheels attitude. Because, as much as I dug the Safety Dance flash mob dream sequence, Artie and EmoAsian are not a couple I'm rooting for.(And that, plus a million other reasons, are why I'll never be writing for Glee...) The dream theme song selection I straight down the line loved. Dream On was hilarious( plus it reminded me of that old HBO show of the same name. Whither Benben?). Dream A Little Dream Of Me remains my jam and I offer up a thousand thanks for reclaiming I Dreamed A Dream from the sweaty ham hands of Susan Boyle. The only dream song I missed was this one:
CC: 1) Female Herc = best thing ever and now I don't even know what to do with myself except rip my own heart out and stomp on it because obviously this is never gonna happen in the way in which we want it to. 2) I had never seen the sentence "Whither Benben?" before. It is the greatest sentence ever written. I think your next book should consist solely of "Whither Benben?" I think SEVERAL bands should right this very fucking second name themselves Whither Benben. I think someone should start a clothing line and call it Whither Benben and I will buy every single piece in the collection even BEFORE it gets marked down 50% at Bloomingdales and I will do it even if the clothing line turns out to consist solely of dog sweaters. Whither Benben. Let's make it happen.

CC: I'm so totally off this now but I watched the results show expressly because...wait for it...I LIKE THAT NEW MILEY CYRUS VIDEO. That's right. I like it. I like how ridiculous it is. I like that she's in a cage and dressed up like some ridiculous slutbird. I like that all the costumes are like bunches of feathers around people's heads and up in their faces, but then no pants. So help me, I am in favor of it all. So yeah. I watched this. Also she's got SYTYCD alumni as backup dancers (which basically everyone does now, but still). So there!
JB: Avian Cyrus! I like it, too. But not as much as See You Again which continues to be my jam. Speaking of SYTYCD alums and also, indirectly DWTS, Kherington Payne is in the new incarnation of the Pussycat Dolls. If brutal rejection wasn't already their destiny, her participation ensures a fiery demise. Did you see her in the shocking remake of Fame? They gave her lines, they gave her a story. Let's just say she's no Heather Morris...

Eurovision Song Contest
JB: I would need a book or at least an entire other blog to explain the Eurovision Song Contest. It's like the World Cup, except swap out soccer and substitute songs that are as acceptable in the bier gardens of Dusseldorf as they are in the shipyards of Gdansk. Okay, that was easy. Maybe I wouldn't need a book or another blog. But I would, because that explanation doesn't get across how deadly seriously the annual song-off is taken, especially in Eastern Europe where singers have been known to disappear after failing to bring home the big prize. It also doesn't get across how much of a joke it is in other territories who cheerfully send drag queens and puppets as their representatives. And it certainly doesn't get across the thorn in the side the contest has become to my home nation. The UK, lest we forget, brought the world The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, the Sex Pistols, The Clash, Radiohead and Howard Jones. We write the songs that make the whole world sing. But we can catch a break in this stupid song contest? Can we fuck! Britain hasn't come close to winning in almost two decades. There was a time in the mid-90s when the UK entry received the dreaded `nul points'(say it in an aloof French accent for maximum impact). The actual 4-hour-plus, commercial-free, 39 song(most in their mother tongue) extravaganza airs next week. It's format has not altered since it debuted in the late 1950s. You know how you phone Time Warner to complain about an internet problem and they offer you language options to hear their menu? The Eurovision Song Contest does not offer options. Every word spoken in the show is delivered first in the language of the host nation--in this case, Norwegian-- and then in English. I don't think I'm physically capable of making it through this year but I've been watching the semi-finals and the standard is as high as ever. Here's the Finnish entry: And, straight outta the Balkans, this:
CC: This...this is a real thing? This is not something you made up? It's been running for DECADES? It exists? I...I can't...I don't underst-- I don't know-- what-- what the... *dies of confusion* *wakes up becuz must finish typing* No, seriously...this guy in the second video is somehow Ryan Hansen, Justin Bieber, Anthony Fedorov (never thought I'd say THAT name again), Jimmy Fallon, Johnny Weir, and Derek Hough all at the same time. You know my Defying Gravity face I described above? I'm wearing that again, but the HORRIFIED version.

NJ Housewives
CC: Just not the same magic as there was last year, which gives me much fear for Jersey Shore Season 2. Nonetheless, there's a perverse horror/fascination with watching Danielle and Teresa both stage-mom the life right out of their daughters. I realize that people are always saying kids grow up too fast nowadays, and Teresa's oldest is a prime example of that (yikes), but the fact that Danielle's kid is 15 and talks/acts like a 6th grader is really weird and disturbing to me. She's so...awkward. Which is fine, I guess, many teenagers are, except she doesn't act like an awkward teenager, she acts like a 5th grader. I mean, hey, maybe if my mom were a walking nightmare like Danielle, I'd act like a 4th grader too. I wonder how she feels, being a five foot ten inch 3rd grader.

Junior Apprentice
JB:This was a comedy masterclass. It began with a talking head of a kid called Adam who was basically an oversized business suit with a boy's head sticking out of it. Adam extolled his people skills. He related to everyone, he understood everyone but, if he was being honest, he felt that men were superior to women in terms of business, in terms of communication, in terms of emotions and, in terms of everything else. In the next scene, JApp mentor, Lord Sugar, transferred Adam out of his all-male team and into an otherwise all-girl team. The competition was to come up with an innovative new way to make camping fun. (My suggestion: don't go camping.) Charged with wrangling a group of girls, Adam fell to pieces. He lost control of his mouth and his body. He couldn't form a sentence. He accidentally elbowed a girl and knocked over a glass. And he listened to everyone's ideas. He listened to the girl who thought campers would like to play board games. He listened to the girls who thought campers would like a container to store their muddy shoes. And he said yes to all of them. Adam's product was a bulky cardboard box with a paper chess board on top and a pair of drawers to store muddy shoes. But to Adam, it was his own iPad. He loved the box in the face of people pointing out that the traditionally rain-spattered British summer would reduce the cardboard to mush within minutes. He loved the box in the face of people sneering at his belief that UK teenagers wanted to play boardgames on pieces of paper. He loved the box in the face of the opposing team's innovation winning over 3000 orders from impressed retailers and the box receiving not a single order. Adam sat in the boardroom and listened while his teammates bemoaned his lack of leadership and his desperate need to please. He looked like a tiny goner in a big suit. And then Adam ERUPTED. Think Rocky. Think On The Waterfront. Think Mr Smith Goes To Washington. Or think of any movie where the underdog delivers an impassioned speech that reduces a crowd of disbelievers to tears and slow-claps. Adam delivered one of those speeches. He talked about leaving school without many qualifications. He talked of getting up at 5 in the morning. He talked of investing his life's savings in his business. He talked of working till his hands bled. He held up his hands to show the scars. Lord Sugar's finger paused mid-fire. Adam's passion made a believer out of him. The young entrepreneur lived to fight another day. What was the business he lived, breathed and bled? He sells camping equipment online. That's correct: he completely fucked up an assignment that was based on his own job. He totally deserved to get fired!

Party Down
CC: I was very taken with Adam Scott's watch and therefore worried when he was fully getting it wet in the hot tub (I mean, it was probably waterproof, but still). Everybody said this was the best episode so far of season 2. Everybody was right.
JB: Everyone, vote for your favorite TV Club contributor. Is it A) The Asian who noticed Adam Scott's watch? or B) The Glaswegian who pored through IMDB to determine that the clip of Adam Scott's character's film that Lizzy Caplan watched in Steve Guttenberg's screening room was from 1998's The Lesser Evil where he played the teenage incarnation of a character who would grow up to be played by David Paymer. Great episode. Guttenberg=Gold.

The Good Guys
JB: Let's count the weeks this sits unwatched on my DVR. Week 1.

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