Monday, April 26, 2010

TV Club. Now With Extra Movie Club Feature Which Is A Lot Like Tv Club. But With Movies.

Read it and weep here. Read it and sleep at

JB: You know who's never seen or heard of Glee previous to this episode? Madonna. If she had, she might not have been so quick to pronounce her approval of Mr. Schue and, quote the way he empowers all the girls unquote. If Madonna had seen or heard of Glee, she might have said something like `Nice attempt at a respect-the-ladies storyline from a show that's generally about as empowering as Afghan TV's long-running Stone-A-Whore Hour. This might be the woman-hatingest show on television. The vacant cheerleader with the crack comic timing aside, they're all damaged and dysfunctional. Look at the way OCD Virgin Bambi pines after Mr. Schue. Look at how his bitchy wife faked a pregnancy to keep him around. Look at how Rachel nearly keeled over when Finn admitted he really liked her.Glee defiles my work and my message. I forbid Lourdes to watch it."
CC: Okay, I'm sorry, but Mr. Schue is vile and I am so glad Cute Redhead chickened out at the last second. Watching that Like a Virgin number was basically like watching him beat and rape her, that is how creepy I find him. You know who else is pretty disgusting but in a hilarious way so it's okay? GROFF! That guy-- well, he doesn't quite crack me up, I leave that to Heather Morris, but there is something very amusing about what he's doing. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for basically everything else that happens on this show in between the songs. It's just so...clumsy. It's a bummer. Like, so many shoehorned-in explanations for why we're doing this and that song and what this and that song is for, and blah blah blah. Dudes. We get it. We've bought in. We're watching the show. It's a huge hit. Stop worrying about justifying all the singing and dancing, and just let the scenes that don't contain singing and dancing be normal. By which I mean, please make them good. We know you can do it. You had gay sharks and misogynists fixing hamstrings. Thank you.

Dr Who
JB: As Hush was to Buffy, Blink is to new school Who. This stand-alone from two seasons back had an insanely simple premise. If you shift your eyes for as much as a second from that weeping stone angel in the corner, it will get closer to you and it will look increasingly evil. If you don't continue to stare at it, it will drain you of your life force and hurl you forward in time, leaving you a withered husk seconds from taking your final breath. Awesome, right?(Try it for yourself. Stare at your computer screen without blinking for as long as you can. You probably blinked during that last sentence. AND NOW YOU'RE DOOMED!) And the doctor was barely even in that episode. He mainly appeared as Easter Eggs on a DVD giving advice to Carey Mulligan who carried the entire thing on her slender shoulders and did such an excellent job that she was offered the sidekick gig for the following season which she turned down because, and I'm paraphrasing, "All Dr. Who fans are nutters." Anyway, Steven Moffat, the disgustingly talented Scot who wrote Blink and is so much a huge Who nerd that he turned down a Spielberg assignment when the chance to become showrunner materialized, is also behind this week's sequel which is basically `Aliens'. It might be set in space but, guess what, if you tell a guy in a spaceship on another planet in the future not to blink, you know what he's going to do? Yes. Blink. This episode airs on BBC America in two weeks or, by magic, right now. If you were ever going to start watching, this is the one you want to watch.

Project Runway & reunion show
JB: Yay, Seth Aaron, I suppose. Okay, now that's out of the way... "Bad teeth and fat legs"? Not the nicest thing to say but if you're going down that road, you better COMMIT. As soon as Jay took his shot at Cerri and saw the room wasn't with him, he crumpled into total apologetic bitch-assery. Of course, Dublin's First Lady weathered the the storm with her usual grace and charm.
CC: Yay, Seth Aaron! Wanted him to win. Thought he would win. He won. That being said, would totally wear that black and gray sort of thick-striped/colorblocked dress of Mila's over the patterned tights. Loved that one. And JB, boy do I totally agree with you about the reunion show, because I wrote this before I even read what you wrote, and you will see it's the exact same thing: Holy shit, Jay. Not cool. NOT COOL. What a douche. NOT OKAY. I cannot believe he said that to dear, beloved Cerri. Wow. Wow. WOW. He sucks. And he totally had that already-sheepish "fuck did I just say that?" look AS he was saying it, which meant that he didn't even say it with as much conviction as he was probably going for, cuz he already knew in the middle that it was just gonna be a trainwreck. I wonder what the unedited version of that looked like. Yikes.

Britain's Got Talent
JB: An incredible line-up this week. The gymnasts displaying almost inhuman precision. The unassuming accountant with the soaring voice. The shitting horse. But there's only room for one You Tube clip. What a dilemma.

America's Next Top Model
JB: If I was Whitney Port and I was this week's special guest, I might think...I don't know how Whitney Port thinks or talks, I just wonder if she wasn't a tiny bit miffed that the models wear clothes from her incredible line in the comedy slot when they're trying to win the approval of drag queens. But when the actual photoshoot rolls around, the girls have to wear cavewomen-type costumes made from gross-looking clumps of hair.

High Society
JB: PJC wears a kaballah string. How do I know that? Because it was the only thing during this entire episode that didn't make me want to throw up. The only way we can be compensated for having to endure mom's dalliance with the guy from Milwaukee is if he turns out to be a con man who weasels his way into the will while secretly drugging her until she's declared mentally unstable. Which should take another two dates. The thing with PJC and his mom and that dumbass model dude...I can't even...(focus on the kabbalah string). And then Tinsley rebounding from the mysterious reappearance of Topper with Constantine Maroulis. This was pretty much porn. I'm not being prudish. That's what it was: two people who can't act, one of who is so immersed in sleaze he practically oozes off the screen, being paid to take part in a production where they fill a few meaningless minutes before the shit gets real.
CC: Paul Johnson Calderon. Told his mom. That he would kill her like the Menendez brothers killed their parents if she didn't give him money. To her face, he told her this. He wanted sixteen grand and then he wanted a wedding that cost at least half a million, and he said he would kill her if he couldn't have it. I don't even know what to do about this. Part of me feels bad for that woman, and part of me is like "What the fuck is your problem? When he said that, that was YOUR cue to kill HIM." Seriously. She should've reached across the table and strangled him right there (because yeah, he said he was gonna strangle her, in a separate sentence, after the more general killing statement). That was like...scary. Not because I really think he's gonna kill her. But because the level of disrespect on display there was just terrifying. I mean, I've probably got a lower threshold for that sort of stuff regarding parents because asian, but come on. That was NOT OKAY! Also not okay? Tinsley's mom kissing that old guy. I literally said "EW! EWWWW! OH MY GOD! WHAT? WHAT?!" while that was going on, because it WENT ON LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO SAY THAT. Fucking gross, okay? Just. Fucking. Gross. That goes for everything that happened with Tinsley and Constantine (fucking CONSTANTINE? like we didn't suffer enough that season of AI?!) as well. Oh, say what I will about PJC though, he continues to have a way with words when it comes to Devorah Rose...this week it was "swamp thing hair and witch hands." True. All true.
JB: And he said something like, she should have flying monkeys with her when she walks into a room. So that kind of balances out the whole matricide issue. For me.

CC: Teddy Graham people. That is all. Oh wait, also, I had no idea what MGMT looked like. And of COURSE it's like that. Jesus.
JB: Steve Harvey is such a random target. I guarantee his name means nothing to the majority of the audience. Which means that if they ever do come across him in some unimaginable future scenario, they'll immediately think of him as that dude who can't pronounce words. And that's hilarious. That's the equivalent of me writing a sketch where the famously intense Scottish actor Peter Mullan has a habit of wiping the dandruff off the shoulders of everyone he meets. And then he comes to America and everyone flinches away from him for fear they're going to get wiped.
And now... introducing a new irregular feature where we mop up some of the films we've seen in the past few months. Yes, Movie Club!

The Back-Up Plan
JB: Obviously, I did not pay to see this. Nor did I leave my house. But the mere act of reaching out a finger and pressing a Play icon on my computer screen left me feeling like I'd been robbed, brutalized and left bleeding at the side of the road. I only managed 40 minutes so I'm prepared to believe they saved all the good stuff till after I was gone. From what I watched, here is, I swear to whatever God you may or may not believe in, the funniest dialogue in The Back-Up Plan
The Guy In The Film: We moved upstate when my parents bought the farm.
J.Lo:I'm so sorry.
The Man In The Film: Oh no, they're not dead. They really bought the farm.
J.Lo; Ha ha ha. Gosh.

Date Night
JB:I thought my love for Tina Fey had no bounds, But it has bounds. And Date Night is those bounds. And if you're thinking, that's disappointing, Tina Fey and Steve Carell seem like they'd be a good couple, you're right. They are. During the time the movie is setting up what boring lifeless suburban slaves to routine they are, I totally enjoyed them. Then the bad cops show up looking for the flash drive they stole from the mob boss which has the incriminating evidence and there's running and shooting and a car chase and helicopters and a gratuitous bit where the entire movie stops so Tina Fey can deliver a monologue about how hard she works all day and then she has to pick the kids up from school and cook dinner for them and then Steve Carell does his monologue about how she doesn't have to take on all that load by himself and if you're anything like me you're thinking, God, if only the writer of Mean Girls and the co-writer of The 40 Year-old Virgin could have rewritten this script we might not have to sit through such terrible shit.

The Runaways
JB: This is half a good movie. Dakota Fanning's great. The guy who plays Kim Fowley is fantastic. Kristin Stewart is sullen which is fine. But you know how biopics like this have a `Wow, this is awesome' bit where everything's going great and then it all turns druggy and tragic.?The Runaways never really had that in America. They had it in Japan but the film was made for about what you've got in your pocket right now. So when we get to the stuff about the madness and hysteria of their obsessed Japanese fans, there's like seven girls holding posters.

Cop Out
JB: You know what I think would be a good idea for a buddy cop movie. Two actors who hate each other being forced to work together to play two cops who hate each other but are forced to work together.

JB: I saw the French original of this on IFC or Sundance Channel a couple of years ago. I think I saw the American remake on Cinemax in 1997 when it was called something like `Douche Heat 2: Extreme Re-Insertion'. The French one was all sexual intrigue and Depardieu. The remake is Amanda Seyfried at her eye-buggiest wigging out over Julianne Moore, waving a knife around and getting kicked out of a window.

The Blind Side
CC: I saw none of the above movies but I just saw this. It seemed to be missing a scene where Michael Oher punches that moppet child repeatedly and deservedly in the head. No offense to that moppet child actor, as I just imdbed him and he was apparently on FNL as the moppet child of that neighbor lady that Riggins was banging and I don't recall having a problem with him then. Also, I think the daughter could have a brow-off with Raina from ANTM. Also, I had no idea that was Tim McGraw. Also, two words of warning to moppet child: Jonathan Lipnicki.
JB: The daughter was Lily Collins, daughter of Phil Collins, playing a character whose first name is Collins.

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