Monday, April 12, 2010

TV Club Goes To Hell

Read it for free here or attempt to hack your way behind the complicated multi-tiered paywall at

Gossip Girl
CC: Okay...I've never seen assassin played like that before. When I was in college the game took place over days and days, with fake guns, and you started off with an assignment of who to kill, and it just eventually grew exhausting, and at the beginning of the game you couldn't be killed if you were with other people, so then everyone just starts traveling in packs, and the whole thing takes forever, and my roommate was one of the last people standing, and later we found out that the guy trying to kill her was totally using binoculars to spy into our room, and he and his friends came to the apparently disappointing conclusion that all we and our other roomies did was randomly dance all the time. Which, duh, what do you expect a bunch of 19-year-old girls to do during midterms? Anyway, so the whole thing was already confusing to me because I was like what is this crazy new way to play assassin, and then it didn't get any better with the appearance of The Dress, because I'm sorry, if you're going to focus that much of the story on a dress, please make it a better dress. As soon as it appeared I was like ew, no, and that sentiment never changed. That thing was discount prom style and a terrible color. Leighton Meester is super-pretty and always looks awesome in the clothes they pick for her, I mean, like everyone else on the planet, I'm obsessed with the wardrobe on this show, it's practically my favorite part, so this was a rare and extremely distracting misstep, fashion-wise. Story-wise, I kind of love that Chuck and Blair are imploding. I love 'em together but I love 'em even more when they're apart and all angry/angsty about it. I tried to combine that into a cool word but it just turns out to be one of the words.
JB: So you're telling me assassin is a real game? Damn you, America! Just when I think I've assimilated, you spring another trap! The Dress wasn't The Dress for me because of ew. It wasn't The Dress because Serena's leather number w/handcuff pocket was already The Fucking Hot Dress. Hey, you remember Friends, the show that used to be on TV? You ever notice mid-way through it's run, four of the characters stayed pretty much consistent but Phoebe got really mean and Ross got really pathetic. I always wondered if that was because the writers hated the characters or the actors. Here you've got Chuck whoring out Blair, Nate and Serena having gross food sex and implied kinkiness and post-date rape Little J stalking Nate. And what are Dan and Vanessa doing? Worrying they're in a rut and giving each other notes on their essays. Okay, it could be normality to balance out the debauchery. Or it could be because NOBODY CARES ABOUT DAN AND VANESSA.

Top Model
CC: My girl Jessica a) won the challenge, b) won the photo shoot, and c) almost raped Nigel. #facts
JB:Ah yes, how delightfully ironic that the fashion photographer turns out be the rapee. Slight--but not really-digression. I was reading some movie industry blog because finding out about other people's successes in no way makes me want to kill myself. There was a story about an actress named Analeigh Tipton being cast opposite Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling and Julianne Moore in a groundbreaking middle-aged-guy-contemplates-infidelity comedy. My immediate thought: why does that name sound familiar? I read on: a former contestant on America's Next Top Model. Right! Analeigh! The ex-ice skater. Who formed a heart-warming, closer-than-sisters, close-enough-to-share-a bath relationship with an androgynous French model. And who, if I remember, was quite a little angel. So: all those time-wasting segments before the photo shoot, all that improv and acting class bullshit: that turns out to be the part of the show that actually helps careers. The modeling stuff? That's worthless.

High Society
CC: Okay, this one actually almost crossed the line into me just getting angry instead of me being delighted (although let's face it, I was totally delighted when PJC was talking about Devorah Rose's jacked-up hair...his exact words were "crazy, Crocodile Dundee, gross, walkabout hair" which, hello, both accurate and possessing of a certain poetry). Other things about this episode made me legitimately cringe, though, like, cringe without any happiness whatsoever, and those things were 1) PJC's weird date with the model because ewww, that whole dynamic is just ewww, like, what is that? That can't be real. Can it? No way. That guy is cute/hot, and PJC is...PJC...and I realize he's super rich, but...they hired that guy for the show, right? They had to have. And yet it's still totally creepy from every single angle. And 2) Tinsley's mom just NOT SHUTTING UP about not wanting Tinsley to get divorced (and also those two weird old guys! going on and on about what's her face Vanderbilt getting all her pictures burned or shredded or whatever after her divorce? WHAT?!). It made me feel really bad for Tinsley because DUDE. TOPPER CHEATED ON HER. A LOT. AND HER MOM WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT WANTING HER TO STAY WITH THAT GUY? WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCKING FUCK? Yeah, yeah, it's manufactured to be overdramatic, but STILL, it's just skin-crawling. Anyway. Oh, but back to pure delight, Jules Kirby got kicked out of her hotel! HA! And next week she and Devorah actually throw drinks at each other, like, WHOLE GLASSES WERE NARROWLY MISSING FACES! Now that I think about it, they were probably missing on purpose though. Aw.
JB: Jules stayed at the Empire Hotel. THAT CHUCK BASS OWNS! Did he have her thrown out? Was it during Uncle Jack's watch? Wouldn't she have made a perfect post-Blair hate-fuck for Chuck? I'm getting fanficcy here but INCREDIBLE crossover potential. That whole Tinsley/mom confrontation was like a telenovela. And, once again, when they hugged, there was another close-up of Tinsley's bag.

Dr. Who
JB: At what exact point did my interest in this episode begin to wander? Certainly not in the zingy chemistry between the new doc and his feisty assistant who, in the space of one week, has won the eternal creepy devotion of several generations of UK geeks. Not when the Tardis zapped to the 29th century to find Britain is not only a starship but a brutal police state where non-conformists are dropped down elevator shafts. Not when it was revealed that, at the bottom of the shaft is a monster that devours protestors and uses them to fuel the ship. Not even when the doc and his sidekick met a double-gun toting black Cockney badass who also happened to be Queen Elizabeth the Tenth. Not even when the monster turned out to be The Last Star-Whale...wait, a minute, that's EXACTLY when it happened. That's when every line of dialogue that did not include the words `Last Star-Whale' was excised. "We've got to save The Last Star-Whale!" "The Last Star-Whale loves children!" "The Last Star-Whale is a beautiful creature." If I'd agreed to play a `Last Star-Whale' drinking game,my liver would have exploded by now.

Top Chef Masters
CC: I would like to register a complaint about every single aspect of Kelly Choi except her manicure, which was a cute color. That chick makes Padma Lakshmi look like someone I'd want to hang out and watch TV and get pancakes with. (That's my way of saying I do not want to do any of those things with Padma Lakshmi, not that she'd want to do them with me either, but my point is, I would want to do them even LESS with Kelly Choi, mostly because Kelly Choi would NOT EAT THE PANCAKES. And I know some fucking good pancake places!)
JB: Words taken out of my mouth. Just like the food that never reaches Kelly Choi's mouth. We can agree that Padma is kind of a bitch--she treated Salman Rushdie worse than Ayatolla Khomeini-- but she's the kind of bitch you'd see in a Manhattan restaurant treating the wait staff like shit, sending food back and sucking up to the chef. Kelly Choi is like someone who'd wait for hours for a table and then Padma would just show up without a reservation and be seated instantly. And even though Kelly Choi would try and catch the maitre d's eye, he'd be repulsed by the way her smile looks like a grimace.

Dancing With The Stars
JB: I bet no-one wants to go anywhere near Nicole Sherzinger's dressing-room. Not because of the smell. It's probably not even two years ago that she was the Pussycat Dolls' Beyonce. Then her solo album was shelved. And the second PCD record bricked. And half the group bailed because they were sick of being in her shadow. So, even though signing up for DWTS is a huge come-down, at least she knew she was destined for an easy win and a guaranteed return to national popularity. Except: Kate Gosselin and Pam Anderson and Erin Andrews getting death threats and Ochocinco acting like he's getting it on with Cheryl Burke. And more people were talking about Buzz Aldrin than her. And Len keeps casting a rheumy old English eye over her like he hates her. Last week, even the dude from The Bachelor was more interesting. Chelsie Hightower was bawling him out for being a flat-footed turd and he got all freaked-out and started whimpering, "I don't like the way you talk to me. I feel like you're disrespecting me." But I don't think he was reacting to being called bad dancer. He did three months on a reality show where damaged women with daddy issues blow him in the hot tub seven seconds after meeting him. He still thinks that's how all women are. Getting yelled at by Chelsie Hightower didn't just hurt his dancer's pride, it burst his whole bubble.

Vampire Diaries
CC: All it takes is one good surprise act of unnecessary violence per episode and I automatically give it an A, which I basically do every week on this show, and this week it was Damon casually snapping that lady's neck after asking whether any other people lived in the house and then just walking right on into the house. Awesome. Damon wins this week's Charismatic Slimeball-off easily. Also, pleasant flashbacks to Buffy telling Angel "Drink...drink me" back in whatever season that was when Elena did the same thing with Stefan this week (Buffy's was better, obviously) (I mean, that was slayer blood!) (this one not bad though, especially what with the way the episode ended) (have I mentioned that Stefan's eyebrows make him look like a human version of my Muppet Vampire Angel doll).

JB: Over the years, I have had two consecutive thoughts about Supernatural. 1) `This is still on? I should probably watch it'. 2)I'm never going to watch it.' But now it's in syndication so I set the DVR and let it pile up. Still didn't want to watch it. Finally gave it a shot. Here are my impressions:
Season 1
Lunkhead Brother: Dad taught me to hunt demons. I love dad. I love hunting demons.
Sensitive Brother. I hate hunting demons. I hate dad. But a demon set my girlfriend on fire. So now I've got to hunt demons. But I hate dad.
Lunkhead Brother: Screw you, dad's always right.
Sensitive Brother: Screw you
Now I may have skipped one or fourteen episodes but it seems to me that I saw that scene played out A LOT. I did not sit through a moment of this where I wasn't wishing I was watching the second X-Files movie instead. Yeah, the second one.

Season 2
Lunkhead Brother: Oh no, Dad's dead. Before he croaked, he told me something weird about my stupid sensitive brother.
Sensitive Brother: Jesus Christ, I've got psychic powers. And I'm not the only one. There's a whole bunch of us. Fuck! Demons bled into our mouths when we were babies and turned us into an army so they could take over the world or something, I'm not sure.
Lunkhead Brother: Shit, one of the psychic assholes killed my brother. Now I've got to go to the crossroads and make a deal with a smoking hot girl demon to bring him back from the dead.
Sensitive Brother: Great! I'm back from the dead. Wonder what kind of deal my brother made. I'm sure there were no string attached.

Season Three.
Sensitive Brother: Shit! My asshole brother sold his soul to the smoking hot crossroads demon and, get this, he only has a year to live before they set the hellhounds on his loser ass.
Lunkhead Brother: Think I'm scared of going to hell? I'm not scared. Think I'm scared that I've only got a year to live? Damn right, I'm sca...NOT SCARED, that's what I meant to say. Whatever, it's a year of fighting demons which rocks and, you know what else I've noticed, all the demons we're hunting this year are crazy-hot bitches with super-condescending attitudes. Which I like.
Katie Cassidy: Hi, I'm the blonde actress Katie Cassidy. The lunkhead's right. The first two seasons of this show were slow-motion sausage-fests. It's like someone woke up and realized, this is a violent fucking series, necks get snapped and fingernails get ripped out every week, guys would probably watch it there were more babes on it. So now it's like every week the demon is a vicious hot bitch who treats the asshole brothers like shit. And I'm the biggest bitch of all. I rip dudes' throats out with a knife. I get shot point-blank in the chest and laugh it off. I go on killing sprees and I talk to the sensitive guy and the lunkhead like they're retards. Consequently, I am awesome.
Lunkhead Brother: Fuck that bitch. I'm not going to hell. I get saved by the end of the season. What? I don't get saved? I go to hell. Nooooo.

Season Four:
Lunkhead Brother: I'm in hell! Wait, I'm out. I climbed out. I'm back. How did that happen?
Sensitive Brother: I'm not headed to the dark side. I'm using my demon powers for good not evil. Plus I'm totally banging the character Katie Cassidy played last season.
Katie Cassidy: What the fuck? They gave my part to a shitty actress who is A) Not Hot which, next to me, fine. But B) Can't act. I don't give a shit. I just signed on for the remake of Melrose Place! Ha Ha!
Lunkhead Brother: An angel pulled me out of hell? A pissed-off angel who's a really good actor so I have to step my game up. Turns out God wants me to stop the apocalypse that my stupid brother might trigger if he doesn't stop using his demon powers and banging that chick who's nowhere near as hot as she used to be.

And that's where I am so far. Stockholm Syndrome might have set in a bit cuz I'm going to keep watching.

CC: THIS. WAS LITERALLY. THE BEST. COMMERCIAL FOR THIS SERIES. I HAVE EVER SEEN. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I would TOTALLY start watching this show now, except for the fact that you just summed up everything in such a delightful and virtuosic manner that I don't actually have to.

Project Runway
CC: I liked Emilio's dress too? But I suspect that if anyone actually wore it to an event, people would just think they're crazy and they would end up on worst-dressed lists? I'm not sure? I'm all confused? I love stripes, so this week was sort of like a crazy smorgasbord for me. And I love how they still make everyone keep up the charade of really wanting to go to fashion week even though everyone knows that they always send decoys. It's a design-off, Jay and Mila! No. No it is not. They're both gonna show at fashion week. They know it. We know it. Their models know it. There are no stakes here.

Models Of The Runway
JB: I do not care for Brandise. I don't like her small, droopy eyes or her Ambien monotone. I don't approve of the way she treats Brittany. But mainly I dislike her because she's getting the HBIC edit and, as I think we know, there's only one person capable of filling that vast Irish void.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: You know what? I am 100% devastated that this show is over next week. It's the end of the season, all the threads are getting tied up or unraveling even further, and I can't sit here and tell you about the awesome total grossness of so-and-so getting decapitated or what's-his-face's intestines spurting out because yes, all that stuff did happen, but what's more important at this point is the sheer AWESOMENESS of EVERY storyline coming together and just KNOWING that whatever goes down in the finale is gonna be TRULY AND RIDONKULOUSLY EPIC. Seriously. This show is really really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING GOOD, I've said it before and I'll say it again, and I have nothing more to add until next week except that this is basically how one of the scenes went down, except with Stewie as Blonde Bitch and "Stewie, Shawanda said she saw you sneaking food" as "Hey blonde bitch, you totally killed other blonde bitch and we all know it and here's her dead hand in a box and you are totally screwed mwaaahahahahahhaa!!!!"

Yeah, so, Blonde Bitch's husband was totally not buying her story, and oooh, also we got to hear the phrase "blood and sand," which is always fun, and Lucy Lawless got super-pissed and slapped her Crixus-banging slave around, and oh my god, that chick Mira needs to CALM THE FUCK DOWN, like DUDE, you and Spartacus are NOT dating! He doesn't even wanna hook up with you, why the FUCK are you freaking out on him just because Cabbage Patch's wife works there now? Jesus. By the way-- oh my god. Oh my god, do you know what I just did? I had to imdb Mira to make sure it was spelled Mira, so I see the actress has a link to her website, which contains her standup reel, several tracks of her music, links to her multiple blogs, and a picture of her with Adam Baldwin of Whedonverse fame, and did I mention the standup reel? So, check all that out if you have the time, or just watch the show and look at her naked.
JB: "Once again the gods spread cheeks and ram cock in fucking arse!" Everyone got thwarted this week. The Thracian got thwarted in his desire to fuck up Batiatus. Crixus got thwarted when he saw his slave handed to the devious Syrian gimp. The senator got his head thwarted right off. Legatus(sp) got thwarted in the Killa in the Villa. And Lucretia...and the blonde bitch... and the hand...I know you saw it, I don't need to go on. It's just that I don't always get the themes of TV shows. So I just wanted it known that I understood the thwarting. Don't know what kind of hell is coming next week but I'm going to hazard a guess that there will be no little Batiatuses running around by the time it's over.

CC: Why are Justin Bieber's backup dancers and singers all dudes? Every person onstage was a dude. How come he doesn't have any chicks? Is that so as not to alienate his chick audience? Because I guess that makes sense but it just seemed sort of weird okay you know what I actually don't care about any of this.
JB: I'm not really familiar with baseball terminology so let me try this analogy: SNL, especially this season has plenty of decent hitters and throwers and runners and catchers but no superstars 30 Rock has too many superstars. So while the percentage of sketches with stupid concepts that fizzled out way before the end was as high as ever, the fact that Tina Fey, who was as confident and cleavagey as I've ever seen her, was in all of them made this a lightning-fast 90 minutes. And this might seem a shameful admission from someone with my infantile taste in music but I had never heard Justin Bieber. Heard of him, yes. But that first song. My baseball analogy reprised. But with Disney and Idol graduates replacing SNL and Bieber replacing Fey. (it made sense in my head.) I thought the second song was a sketch until halfway through and even now I'm not entirely sure. But I'm not gonna deny it: I've got a mild case of Bieber fever and I'm excited for the scandal that brings him crashing down.

No comments: