Monday, April 19, 2010

Kill Them All, TV Club!

Read the official version here. Watch the out-of-focus bootleg at

JB: I’ve come to realize that with Glee, as with life itself, low expectations are everything. Give me a little Jane Lynch, an even littler Jessalyn Gilsig, some innuendo-filled cheerleader banter, keep the songs short and overwrought and I’ll happily give you a pass on all that story and character stuff. And to celebrate the introduction of Idina Menzel, here’s a song she sings on that I like:
CC: This is my very short, but very intense, ode to Heather Morris, who is KILLING IT. She had some great line deliveries and she absolutely SLAYED the millisecond she was onscreen during Vogue ( the end there, off to the right side? fierce. overused word, but fierce as fuck). Also, I'm glad redhead teacher ditched Mr. Schue. He sucks. By the way, say it with me, Spring Awakening fans...GROFF! Remember when he basically ripped Lea Michele's top off every night? Anyone else ever have seats close enough that they could see how much he was spitting? Cuz it was a lot.

America’s Next Top Model
JB:So, wait a minute, if you stand outside the confession closet, you can hear every word? Is this common knowledge? It can’t be because everyone would have been listening to everyone else call them ignorant low-class bitches since Cycle 1. Racial divides are nothing new on this show but usually it’s usually the white girls’ desperation to not offend that causes offense. This time, Jessica and( I think) Raina responded to the, admittedly annoying, Alasia and Angelea with full-on `No, she di’int’, finger-waving, neck-rolling hood-rat-osity. It was ugly to watch but you know what was even uglier? Once again: Ann Shoket.

Project Runway
JB: I could watch a whole show and possibly even an entire series of Tim Gunn going to people’s houses and taking part in the things they do. Doesn’t even have to be designers. Just seeing him interacting with other humans is so odd and awkward. The highlight of this batch of visits was, obviously, Seth Aaron’s trampoline. The other highlight: Mila is like Jack White with her rigid adherence to the black-and-white thing. The apartment, the boyfriend, the dog. It would have been awesome if they’d shown her segment in black and white. But that brings up the question: how did she make top 3 when she did the b&w thing she always does and S.A has to bin his entire zipper-filled collection because it’s the exact same thing he always does?
CC: I like that Seth Aaron's trampoline didn't have that big thing around it to prevent you from accidentally falling off the side and wrecking yourself like they all have nowadays. No, his trampoline is oldfangled, it's a trampoline of yore, it was like my childhood friend's trampoline where if you bounced too off-center and fell off the side, that was your own damn fault, and do a better job next time if you don't wanna self-wreck.

Models Of The Runway
JB: I hope someone more talented than me watched this and thought, Wow, a fashion-based remake of The Breakfast Club could totally work. Lorena and Brandise were totally the popular girl and the quirky bitch facing off. That uncomfortable dinner where they all started throwing, `Who should win? Who should lose? Who do you like? Who do you hate?” questions at each other seemed like it was just the start of an evening filled with crying and confessions that we were cruelly shut out of.
CC: I couldn't watch most of that. Far too uncomfortable. I already have all the info I need to be squarely on Team Cerri. TEAM CERRI NO MATTER WHAT HER HAIRCOLOR!

Spartacus: Blood And Sand
JB: And that, you bastards, is how you end a season. This wasn’t one of those “I’m quitting CSI’ cliff-hangers. Everyone died. Every slave-owner and high-born Roman who sat back and watched gladiators carve each other up for their entertainment got a sword in the head. Or the neck. Or the pregnant belly. Or the 15 year-old face. I’m saddened that I’ll never hear another `Jupiter’s cock!’ come out of John Hannah’s throat. But he no longer has a throat. The Thracian slashed it to ribbons and then led the remaining gladiators out of the blood-soaked house of Batiatus and on to Rome to fuck shit up.
I can’t think of another show that, after only one series, killed it’s main villain(not to mention it’s most proficient deliverer of those Shakespearean rhythms) and it’s main--pregnant!-- villainess( although we DID see a finger twitch and L. Lawless IS the producers wife, so...) Obviously I hope Andy Whitfield gets better and back in fighting shape but if this was the only series we ever see, consider my customerhood satisfied.
Seconded! I'm totally speechless, except for everything I said out loud during the episode, which was a lot, and everything I'm about to say here, which is the following: WHAT THE FUCK WITH KILLING OFF JOHN HANNAH AND LUCY LAWLESS?! Okay. Okay. I get it. I GET IT. This was...yes. Sure, if you think about it, this was the proper way for things to go down, blah blah, story, arc, blah blah, character, redemption, revenge, blah, and again, DeKnight comes from the Whedon school of "Hey, see all these people you like? They're dead. I killed them. Suck that." But...but...BUT! What?! I coulda sworn that when Crixus stabbed Lucy Lawless in the stomach, it was just basically, you know, an abortion, shallow enough to kill the baby, but that's it...I mean...we've watched guys get way more fucked up than that on this show and survive, so...but whatever, yeah, and maybe she's still alive, but then JOHN HANNAH? That was a MERE FLESH WOUND, right? Twas but a scratch? No, it was a sword to the throat and then he bled to death? Even though he's like the most AWESOMEST GUY EVER?????????????? Fuck!!!!!!!! Oh, it was really cool seeing Mrs. Cabbage Patch kill that fucking kid, though. I hated that kid. And Standup Reel Slave killed a guy too. Give it up for the ladies! But still...whaaaat???!!!! Waaaaa!!! EVIL COACH AND MRS. COACH! IT TOTALLY *WAS* THUNDERDOME, AND NEITHER OF 'EM LEFT!!!! Awwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! And yeah, so...the gladiators are all off to Rome to fuck shit up. What exactly does that entail? Are they gonna kill tons more people or do you think some of them will try to blend in and get, like, day jobs or something? (I'd watch either or both of those spinoff shows. Crixus tending bar. Crixus as a bike messenger. Crixus as your friendly neighborhood barista who really needs you to pump that tip jar full of change the same way he used to pump Lucy Lawless full of...uh, I guess, tip. Yeah, that works. Sure.)

Britain’s Got Talent
JB: And this is the perfect thing to watch post-Spartacus because no American Idol, no X-Factor has more of an “I’m bored, amuse me, monkey” stench. Cowell doesn’t even pretend he’s not watching the mentally challenged throwing feces at each other for his entertainment. And the streets of the UK, while this is on? They’re like I Am Legend. You know why? Because the thing he keeps banging on about during Idol-- “I didn’t see a moment, you didn’t show me a moment, you’ve got have a moment”-- THAT”S ALL THIS SHOW IS. Obviously, Susan Boyle was the biggest moment ever--I’m not embarrassed to go on record and say that her audition was the modern equivalent of the Thriller video...okay, I’m a bit embarrassed but I said it--but this first episode had like three different acts that made the audience EXPLODE. This was just one of them:
CC: Uh, yeah. That dog was adorable. Also, it's hilarious they keep cutting to those two dudes backstage who are thoroughly enjoying the show. Like, I should probably be mad that we miss a few seconds of dog because they kept doing that, but those guys are just having such a good time watching that it's like you know what, what the hell, I'll have a good time watching you have a good time watching the dog. Why not.

Dr. Who
JB: Daleks. Back in the Sixties when Dr. Who was made out of shaky bits of cardboard and eggshells, the Daleks were legitimately the scariest things anyone had ever seen on British TV. They were like life-size pepperpots that moved really slowly and barked `Exterminate’ in distorted voices. For the next forty years, generations of British kids would pee themselves and hide behind the couch at the mention of their names. (Not me. I never peed. I had far worse problems.) What’s made the new Who such a giant success in it’s homeland is that all the people who work on it and star in it once were the kids hiding the couch unable to control their Pavlovian pee. So they keep bringing the Daleks back. They’ve come up with a whole space-Nazi mythology for them. They’ve made them fly. But they still have the same design as they did in the Sixties. They still can’t climb stairs. They don’t move very fast. Even if you’re not over eight, they’re not that scary anymore. And this was a Daleks-in-World-war-2-episode so the not scary was even more in evidence than usual.
CC: What's a pepperpot?
JB: I thought I remembered it from childhood as a salt shaker except with pepper but Google tells me it is no such thing. The only conclusion I can draw is that someone has hacked into my memories and is selling them on the open market.

JB: Ke$ha is pronounced like hesher rather than freesia? Interesting. Also interesting: nothing else.
CC: WRONG! Will Forte on Update! I almost died! I ALMOST DIED.

High Society
JB: Class will out as Tinsley’s mom reduced Devorah Rose to hot tears of shame with a genteel-but-chilling you’ll-never-be-one-of-us smackdown. Which bought mom a little bit of goodwill. Which she instantly lost when we had to sit through a find-Dale-a-man storyline. But then we got the good stuff, the stuff literally hundreds of us watch for: a Vile-Off between a bikini-clad Devorah Rose ( I’m still dwelling on the bit where she said `I wish I could sleep in a bikini?’ Why can’t she? I don’t understand) and Jules Kirby. The bitchery was so intense and so rapid-fire I got shrapnel wounds trying to catch it. I think Jules Kirby told Devorah the patheticness was oozing off her. I think Jules kept calling Devorah a man. I think Devorah countered by telling Jules she doesn’t own Antigua or somewhere like she claimed. I couldn’t keep up. But then the glasses flew. And they collided in mid-air which just shows, you don’t always need cgi. And then Jules fell out with Tinsley’s sister and Tinsley’s sister had a big meltdown with the producers and I’m exhausted just thinking about the whole thing.
CC: "Devorah appears somewhat...common to me." I hate Mama Mortimer with the fire of a thousand suns, and the fact that there is THAT much of a difference between the level of face work she's had done and the level of work done on her neck is deeply disturbing (seriously...lift the neck if you're gonna lift stuff), but I loved this line. Yes. Deborah Trachtenberg is common (and RIGHT, JB?! ABOUT THE BIKINI?! You CAN go to sleep in a bikini if you want, Debs! There's no "if" there. You don't have to say "if I could go to sleep in a bikini, I would." You could. You can. That is a thing that is possible in this world, unlike you ever becoming even remotely likable or human or attractive in any way). Also I just cannot believe how much, for all this show's ridiculous fakery, how much absolute REAL EVIL there is. That tinge of pure, unadulterated MONSTER behind Dale Mercer's eyes (and really, in pretty much everyone's eyes on this show) is so 100% absolutely you-can-tell-it's-genuine, it's frightening. FRIGHTENING, really, that people like this exist. I mean, that matchmaker lady? The HORROR! She's TERRIFYING! Where do they GET these people? It's far scarier than any scary movie. And don't even get me started on the stomach-churning spine-tingling blood-curdling wtf that's gonna happen when fucking Constantine shows up. They showed them kissing! I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT! PUT A WARNING UP BEFORE YOU DO THAT NEXT TIME! Ever hear of a spoiler alert? How about a DISGUSTINGNESS ALERT PLZKTHX!

Gossip Girl
JB: The good news: Wallace Shawn returns. The bad news: Wallace Shawn doesn’t get any scenes with Leighton Meester because together: unexpected comedy. Totally expected comedy, ie: the brutally unfunny kind, from waaaaaay too much Dorota.

Vampire Diaries
CC: Okay, Stefan/Evil Stefan is no Angel/Angelus (and dancing Stefan is SURELY no dancing Angel, as illustrated by the following clip), but my thesis statement about this show getting an instant A whenever Damon snaps a neck was proven again this week (seriously! you'd think I'd expect it by now! but i didn't! and then the guy totally came back to life! ooooohhh!). Way too many power rings on this show, by the way. Everyone's got one. They said there's only two of these "hey I'm a human but if you kill me and i'm wearing this i totally don't die" ones, but come on, like we believe that.

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