Monday, March 8, 2010

We Accept This Award On Behalf Of All The Tv Clubs In The World. Follow Your Dreams And Believe In Yourselves.

Lap it up here or scrutinize it for hidden Satanic references at

Project Runway
CC: Aw, and we thought we had seen the last of the asstravaganzas! But Ping Woo's legacy lives on in Emilio's crazy hot-pink-string-and-washer-what-the-fuck-WAS-that-thing number! That poor model. Well, she wasn't showing anything she wouldn't be showing were she lucky enough to land the Victoria's Secret runway show, but still.
JB: Foxy underdog Maya Luz was totally pitching her services to the Haus of Gaga with that big-collar wire jacket and necklace of keys.

Models of the Runway
CC: Eyes Without a Face has an aggressive tooth gap! Eyes Without a Face is Teeth With Extra Space! I love it! I love even more the girl who said about her, "It's not that I don't like her, it's just that I just think she could just act different." Yep. And with that...good riddance! I'd also like to point out that one of the models was describing how it was kind of a bummer missing out on high school stuff cuz she started modeling at 13, on account of her "weird, lanky body." It actually sounded pretty sincere, at least not the usual "wow, I am so cursed to be so tall and thin and pretty" thing. I also enjoy the concept of the journeyman model who's just been working away for years and years and isn't famous or anything, it's just her regular job.
JB: "My strategies! My brilliant strategies!" Satisfying comeuppance for EWAF but annoying that we have to rely on the bonus show for our fireworks because the main event is cast with level-headed professionals who like and respect each other.

American Idol
JB: It only took her a season and a half but DioGuardi finally realized she's on a TV show. Self-identifying as a cougar, oozing all over Cowell, berating a contestant for misinterpreting one of her songs, even fleetingly making sense. She wasn't the only one. This was the week the zygotes evolved into embryonic states. Bore-Sox is the anointed one. Nervous Mullett gets the surrogate son vote. And I think I'm in the tank for Katelyn Epperley.

CC: Nope. Okay, I admit I was sort of impressed by the jump rope crew this week. But overall? Nope.
JB: We look at this show through different eyes. You look at it and see no Quest and no Jabbawokeez. I look at it and see how much better it works than Idol. And I have to say, if they spin a Lil Mama reality show out of this, it wouldn't be the worst idea I've ever heard.

The Fucking Marriage Ref
JB: Okay, not to be all Joe TV here but I have some insider knowledge I acquired using a super-secretive device called `The Inter-Net'. Seems Seinfeld and his good lady wife were bickering in front of an embarrassed third party who, understandably tried to scurry away. Mrs. Seinfeld insisted the third wheel cast the verdict as to who was in the right and then she declared `This is a show!'. And it is. It's a shit show. It's a show that say, Chelsea Handler( who I'm going to say I find funny even though I know that people who work in comedy think she's a hack and an opportunist. Maybe that's what I find funny) and her coterie of mediocre third-rate road comics, would fit perfectly. But you're asking me to buy that Jerry Seinfeld thinks this is funny? That Larry David, that Tina Fey, that Ricky Gervais, that Sarah Silverman, that Madonna...okay, Madonna has no sense of humor, she probably believes it's a riot because she's on it. Yes, that is correct: I am saying that this show would be better if it was filled with people who have next to no talent rather than people with too much talent.

Best Thing I Ever Ate: Guilty Pleasures
CC: Duff talked about a pie that looked awesome. Until they explained how they made it, which is to crumble up all these cookies that are already pre-baked and throw them in there with chess filling. They didn't explain whether they made the cookies or if they just bought them somewhere, so it sort of seems like cheating. However, the pie looked fucking great. The bread pudding with canned fruit cocktail in it, I remain thoroughly unconvinced. No Giada this week, by the way, just that lady with the really big eyes. Sorry, food network, but I'm thinking to most people, huge boobs > huge eyes.

Giada At Home
JB: Speaking of huge boobs. Another playdate. This week, Giada's sister Louisa brought her son Julian to splash around in the pool with the never-shy Jade. Peach and strawberry crumble( which I'm totally making, even though there's flour involved which is my granulated Achilles heel). Penne with almond sauce. Orange ice tea. And the big news: Giada's sister is her DOUBLE! Not sure if they're actual twins but you know how the great American clown Gallagher hired his brother to be Gallagher 2 and do the exact same act so he could make twice as much money? Giada could do that! Or Louisa could frame Giada for shoplifting if she harbored a deep-seated hatred and resentment of her, which she doesn't seem to. Or they could mess with Todd in freakish ways...

Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: Hey, what's Spartacus's real name? Have they ever said it? They haven't, right? I hope his real name is Jeff. Anyway, this episode was chock-full of great stuff. Like, Spartacus totally killed the jerk gladiator who was abusing Dreadlock Gladiator's boyfriend, and that was *super* satisfying because that jerk gladiator was such a jerk. Also, Don't-Fuck-With-Me-Cuz-I'm-the-Scary-Black-Trainer Gladiator totally knows what's up with what's-his-face who betrayed everyone and led to poor Dreadlock Gladiator (and therefore his bf) getting killed in the first place. Also, there was a TOTAL BUFFY FLASHBACK MOMENT during the fight scene at the end, when the one guy threw the spear at Spartacus but at the time Spartacus had his eyes closed and was, you know, gathering inner strength or whatever, JUST LIKE BUFFY END OF SEASON 2, and then Buffy opens her eyes and goes "Me" just as Angel is about to stab her in the face, and here, okay, it wasn't *exactly* the same cuz the spear glanced off Spartacus's cheek and *then* he opened his eyes and kicked ass, but still, same concept. AWESOME CONCEPT. And then Spartacus kills everyone and finally yells "I am Spartacus!" at the end. Good stuff. Terrible CGI, it's possibly getting worse as the season progresses, maybe they're running out of money, but good stuff. Oh, also, Lucy Lawless and John Hannah are totally, like, Evil Coach and Mrs. Coach. I love it.
JB: "The cock on you, daring to doubt the gods!"

CC: Fave line of night: "Miss Piggy, talking pig." What Up With That is now basically just me wanting to see a) what dresses the backup singers are wearing and b) whether Sudeikis will incorporate any new dance moves (answer: not really, but him dancing is still the best part...I like how he kept jumping in from offscreen).
JB: This is how your retire What Up With That. Kenan starts to say something. Lindsay Buckingham breaks into Holiday Road. Switcheroo! Hilarious!

JB: First knee-jerk reaction: they live in a big house so I don't care about their problems. (I'm a Glaswegian. That's how we are). Second reaction: really, Lauren Graham? Another fast-talking young-ish divorced mom? Overall reaction: the same guy who turned Friday Night Lights into a series is in charge here. I'll give it another shot.
CC: I didn't watch this, but while we're on Glaswegians again, I may choose a completely random episode of Craig Ferguson next week to throw on here and then see what you think John Hannah would think of it. Also, where does Gerard Butler land in all of this, if anywhere? These are the questions.
JB: DO IT! I have A LOT to say about Craig Ferguson!

JB: Movie? Director? Actor? Actress? Hosts? All a blur. What I do remember, what I'm going to have a hard time shaking off: THAT was Judd Nelson?
CC: Thank you. Yes. If I hadn't already been reeling from the sight of that terrifying skeleton that is walking around next to James Cameron claiming to be Suzy Amis, that combo of Judd Nelson and a totally whacked out Molly Ringwald would've killed me. Just quickly, let's talk clothes: Demi looked divine. Rachel McAdams I love. I did not understand Carey Mulligan's shoes with that dress. And did everyone spot the oodles and oodles of SYTYCD alumni in the dance numbers? You damn well better have, they were all over the place. Somebody put the LXD flippy guys on ABDC stat.

Amazing Race
CC: Okay, that's it: in EVERY installment of this show from now on, and preferably in every episode, there needs to be a drinking challenge. Because drunk amazing racers = good times. Nothing particularly insane even happened, I just like the thought of how much beer that had to be. I continue to love the cowboys. And I'm sorry, but...THOSE are the best Beatles tribute band guys they could find? Jesus.

No comments: