Monday, March 22, 2010

TV Club: The Fabric Of Our Lives

Enjoy the good clean fun here. Object to the sophomoric obsession with cocks and cleavage at

High Society
JB: Rihanna joins Tinsley's ex Topper in refusing to allow her face to appear in this powerful show. Too bad for them. They missed the chance to appear during a week when The Lovely Jules slummed it downtown with the unwashed and the unemployed then went ballistic on her housekeeper for failing to display her monogrammed pillows right side up. Heartbroken Tinsley went out on her first date since the tragic split. She must've really liked the dude because she made out with him for something like thirty seconds. She also held her self-designed bag up to the cameras for the duration of the snog. Wait, what about the German prince she was supposed to be dating? She hooked up with him in Paris where something momentous happened. A participant in a reality show actually acknowledged he was in a reality show. Or did he? His big meltdown over the stupid lines he was supposed to say and the artificiality of the situation and the intrusiveness of the camera crew seemed completely scripted. Which just shows that this show is working on levels we can't even begin to comprehend.
CC: Tinsley's mom is BATSHIT CRAZY and a TERRIBLE PERSON, which I love. I mean, pulling out that wedding photo at Tinsley's "congrats on your awesome new single life and we're all bringing pictures of new boys for you to date" party? Then she goes and looks in a CARD CATALOG AT THE LIBRARY to find information on Tinsley's german prince and his family? Who the fuck does that, and what the fuck did she find that was so dramatic? Nazis? It had to be Nazis, right? Isn't Tinsley's mom the kind of person who would LIKE Nazis? By the way, if Tinsley has a boyfriend, and it's this german prince, why are her friends throwing her "congrats on your awesome new single life and we're all bringing pictures of new boys for you to date" parties, and why is she going on dates with shady NYC club guys? Of course, German Prince is clearly a terrible person as well (LOVED the flipout). Also, there was this total emphasized moment in the beginning of the show where Tinsley is going on and on about how she hates flats. Always wears heels. Loves heels. Hates flats. CUT TO HER WALKING THE STREETS OF PARIS WHILE WEARING FLATS. Everyone associated with this show should be killed and given a huge raise.

Sober House
JB: Debauched pageant queen Kari Ann Peniche devolved into the human embodiment of hate in this episode. Her vocabulary contracted until only the words `Fuck you' and `I want juice' remained. She also punched a cameraman in the face... well, in the camera, which then hit him in the face. She was less gracious than usual because of her fears that MIndy McCready, her Celeb Rehab castmate who had now become The Houseguest Who Refuses To Leave, was going through her hard drive and finding out all her terrible secrets. For the first time on any of these shows, she was right about something. Mindy McCready found footage of Kari Ann enjoying a fun threesome with one of the doctors from Greys Anatomy and his wife, Rebecca Gayheart( who, lest we forget, KILLED SOMEONE). That was just the first ten minutes. The remainder of the episode dealt with the cast being made to reconnect with the world by doing volunteer work. Okay, Tom Sizemore.... In the course of these shows, Tom Sizemore's been called a liar, a bad friend and a loser. Heidi Fleiss told him he turns women gay. And he took it. He sat there and nodded. When the notion of him working for a day came up, HE WENT BALLISTIC. He was all, "I'm not going to be humiliated like this!" Finally--this was one packed hour!-- the cracked-out singer of Crazy Town begged Dr. Drew for a last chance at recovery. He was like, "Things are going well with the music thing. I really wanna change." Drew was like, `In my mind, I've already buried you'. But the guy's sincerity won the doc over. Now I'm no board-certified addiction counselor but I spotted a weak link--what gamblers call `a tell'-- in the guy's promise to turn over a new leaf. Did you spot it? "Things are going well with the music thing." Crazy Town's last-- and, I think, only-- hit was ten years ago. That song `Butterfly'?. As long as this dude keeps telling himself things are going well with the music thing, he's always going to have a bed in one of Dr. Drew's facilities.

America's Next Top Model
JB: I really enjoyed The September Issue. It demystified Anna Wintour and made her somewhat sort of close to likeable. It turned Grace Coddington into an unsung hero and, in the little screen time it gave him, showed Andre Leon Talley as the office joke. (Although, to be fair, anyone making a documentary about Spin magazine in the early 90s would have depicted me the same way.) (Although, to be even fairer, it would also have done the same to everyone else who worked there.)(Including the owner. )(ESPECIALLY the owner.) He's so irreplaceable that when Tyra tapped Talley to take over the fashion insider position on ANTM( or The Death Chair, as it's come to be known), Anna Wintour was happy to let him take off all the time he needed. First impression: he looks like a Muppet. Specifically, Sam the American Eagle. But, credit where its due, unlike his predecessors, he gets what the show's about. Tyra doesn't want Paulina Porizkova wondering when the real models are showing up, she wants her dopey followers to believe they have a chance to become her. For the chance of appearing on TV, Andre Leon Talley is pouring praise on girls he would shove out of the way if he saw them on the street.The other side of the street. He would cross the road solely for the purposes of shoving them. And then he would cross back.
CC: OK, my fave so far is Jessica. She's just so cute. Please note that I generally fastforward through all the dramz-in-the-house stuff, so for all I know she's a raving bitch to the other contestants, but I think she's very pretty and has that ridiculous super-skinny runway body. And you know...she did NOT fall down the stairs and then SCREAM while getting HIT OFF THE RUNWAY BY A GIANT PENDULUM, tearing both her dress and her own epidermis in the process. Nope. That was not Jessica who did that.
JB: Bad week for edgy chicks. The bottom two pitted Karen O against Sinead O'Connor. Shame we lost the bald cult escapee because she had an in-house scene where she was like "My husband's black. I don't wear a ring. I've posed for Playboy.You didn't see it. It was a special issue. I walk in runway shows all the time.Famous ones you've never heard of. I'm seven foot eight inches. And twenty three pounds. And i can fly. I was flying just then. You didn't notice. You missed it again." I'm exaggerating. But not by much.

Jessica Simpson's Stupid New Show
JB: Sexual Napalm goes to Bangkok on a quest to find the local definition of beauty. Which can mean only one thing. Ladyboys! But no. Jessica treats us like we were Nick Lachey, ie: she won't even grant us that one small pleasure. This is all about Jessica being Mother Teresa to all the unenlightened skin-bleachers and foot-binders in weird little parts of the world where they've hardly even heard of her. She's not alone, either. Her two best friends in the world aka her assistant and her hair guy aka her FREMPLOYEES(tm me) are along for the ride. What must their lives be like? Do you think they ever get to utter a sentence that doesn't have `Jessica thinks...' or `Jessica wants...' in it? That's a show I'd watch.

Kirstie Alley's Stupid New Show
JB: She can't lose it. She keeps trying but she's stuck with it. Kirstie Alley can't get rid of her horrible personality.

Pretty Wild
JB:Is this a parody? Is this like a Spinal Kardashians? It's on E! so probably no. But it's produced by Chelsea Handler, so maybe. But everything she does outside of her talk show is deadly unfunny, so probably not. Ambitious former lingerie model mom spoon-feeds her three super-whorey daughters Adderall and home-schools them in the teachings of the movie `The Secret'( yes, the movie. She skipped the book). Episode one: the LAPD shows up at the house. One of the girls is implicated as being part of the gang who target celeb homes. That's right: she's a Skankrobber(tm: me) accused of breaking into Orlando Bloom's palace. The accused sister gets hauled off to jail. Another sister voiceovers: "The media went crazy. They wouldn't leave us alone'. As she's saying this there are, I swear, three photographers hanging around. Next week: the jailbird meets her lawyer and goes on a date with Ryan Cabrera. I still don't know if this show is a joke.

Spartacus: Blood And Sand
JB: "Tits, arse and cunt all appear to be without disease or deformities". So why did the Thracian spurn the slave sent to get him back in the saddle before he serviced who he thought was the high-born Roman mean girl but was actually the snobby Tinsley Mortimer figure who was set up by Lucy Lawless? Because of all the naked slave girls in all of Rome, he was sent the only one with fake boobs.
CC: Okay, so, after the ridonkulousness of the last episode, I was watching this one going, "Not bad, not great, of course they have to come down the week after a guy gets his dick lopped off, it's only natural..." and then suddenly the blond chick fucking KILLS THE OTHER BLOND CHICK WITH HER BARE HANDS! OH MY GOD!!!!! I thought they couldn't top the penis-hacking, and THEN THEY DID! The other chick was laughing at her in total bitchlike manner, and blond chick looked quite upset, so you *thought* she was just gonna run out of the room in tears or maybe start a catfight (I almost yelled "Catfight!") but THEN?! There was no fight. None whatsoever. Because blond chick just got up, grabbed other blond chick, and then SMASHED HER SKULL REPEATEDLY INTO THE EDGE OF THE MARBLE STEP. Repeatedly. Smashed. Skull. Face-down. It all happened within seconds, it was over before you knew it, there was blood EVERYWHERE, and it was FUCKING AWESOME (mangled eyeball shot!). And Lucy Lawless fucking orchestrated the whole thing, because she is every bit the twisted, evil genius that her husband is on this show. Seriously. I would like to pit them against Coach and Mrs. Coach in some sort of Thunderdome two-couples-enter, one-couple-leaves deathmatch business, because, I mean...I mean, Coach and Mrs. Coach would be dead in seconds, actually, so this is not a good idea at all. My point is, I thought last week was the best episode ever, and overall it still kind of was, but this week's best moment totally SERVED last week's best moment, bigtime. Don't have a room with multi-leveled marble floors in your house! Blond bitches will lose their shit and repeatedly smash other blond bitches' faces into the step edges! Oh, and 30 seconds before that, Spartacus was trying to kill the blond bitch who killed the other blond bitch, and 30 seconds before THAT, he was fucking her with his dick that had possibly been painted gold like the rest of him, it was hard to tell with the lighting. And they were wearing scary masks.
JB: Also, another week where John Hannah's entire role consists of shouting "FUCK!"

Gossip Girl
CC: I wanted to see why Laura Harring sounds so weird, so I imdbed her, and discovered the following facts that may or may not explain it: she went to boarding school in Switzerland and she was shot in the head at age 12. Unrelated, Blake Lively's boobs were ridiculous in that gray shirt. I may have to start a Blake Lively boob-o-meter for this show, but I fear every week will be a 10.
JB: It's a sad indication of where I am in life that eww-food-sex-gross-that'll-leave-stains took precedence over holy-shit-that's-a-resplendent-display-of-boobage-right-there.

Models of the Runway
CC: Cerri could not be more in love with Holly but guess what? I COULD NOT BE MORE IN LOVE WITH CERRI. I'll fight you for her, JB. I swear. I'll do it.
JB: That accent+ not giving a shit= awesome. Simple as.

Amazing Race
CC: Yeah, yeah, the show, whatever. No. What's more important, is that I got up super early this morning to cheer on some people running the LA marathon, and for those of you who've never done this, as you're waiting for your friends to run by, it's fun to also clap and yell encouragement to everyone else as well, which is made easier because some people write their names on their bibs. So you're just yelling and hollering "Good job, Steve!" to some total random dude as he goes by, and it generally helps pump everyone up, and blah blah "I'm running 26 miles!" blah, but anyway at one point we're like "Yeah, Victor!" cuz the bib said "Victor" and suddenly we realize: IT'S VICTOR FROM AMAZING RACE. Totally unexpected. Totally awesome. He smiled at us and seemed to be in good spirits and he ended up finishing in 4 hours, which is great. Apparently Shia LaBeouf also ran by, though we didn't know it at the time, and now I'm annoyed cuz I just looked up the picture and his bib said "ssl" and I TOTALLY REMEMBER SEEING HIM and figuring that he was a computer guy or something, but no, SSL are his initials, not some geeky shout-out. *sigh* I also enjoyed cheering on the guy who wrote his name as "On a boat!" Okay yeah, but Amazing Race tonight, it was pretty sweet watching those champagne glasses fall.
JB: Seriously, fuck the LA Marathon. I forget about it every year and every year I can't get across Fairfax.

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