Tuesday, March 2, 2010

TV Club: Ah, The Smell Of It!

Read the incomprehensible Scottish version here or read the overachieving Asian version at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva

Saturday Night Live
JB: Rough week for J.Lo getting dumped by her record company and having her long-awaited album embalmed but the brilliant timing of her SNL double duties afforded her an amazing opportunity to make those dunderheads at Sony regret their decision with a pair of musical performances that would showcase the calibre of talent they were letting slip through their...oh...okay...uh... Crikey, that first song was BRUTAL! I wonder how long that Smash Mouth sketch has been gestating. Were there other choices before Smash Mouth: Crazy Town? Bowling For Soup? Ok Go?
CC: I was spoiled for Smash Mouth but I would venture to guess that had I not been, I would've thought it was, like, maybe the best thing ever. But instead, the best thing ever was Kenan doing that sliding-thru-the-frame thing. Sorry. I think that's hilarious. Sorry everybody.

American Idol
JB: Remember that Buffy episode where she was drugged by Giles because the Watchers Council wanted to see how the slayer coped without her powers? I think something similar has happened to Ellen. I'm not particularly a fan and i've only seen her daytime show a couple of times but I recognize why she's America's Best Friend With An Alternative Lifestyle. She's casual and relaxed, she does that free-associating thing, she's lightning-fast and she's just appealing in an ageless, sexless way.But not on Idol. She's super-uncomfortable. That quick wit? Vanished without trace. Words? Not her friend. And stuck behind the Idol desk, she looks...there's no getting around it, she looks like a wee old man. A wee wizened old man with giant flapping ears and scared staring eyes. To be fair, this was a Dunkleman-vintage live week. This was three nights of song-rape. Everybody was stumbling around in a daze, crying and throwing up on themselves. But no-one was in worse shape than Ellen. She looked like she'd seen a ghost. And I think she had. I think she spent those three nights thinking about her last big career decision aka coming out on her sitcom. Where did that lead her? Straight into the arms of Anne Heche. That terrified look in Ellen's big watery blue eyes? The realization that she'll have to listen to Tim Urban again? Partly, but more the growing fear that American idol is her new Anne Heche.

Project Runway
JB: Weird, complicated challenge this week. The contestants had to design something for Patricia Arquette to wear because she had to go to to jail to visit a prisoner on his deathbed so she could find out if he was really tried for a crime he didn't...wait, is this Medium? It is! It's Medium! Damn you, Lifetime, let my DVR know when you're screwing around with your schedules.

How To Make It In America
JB: If you're not watching this,you're not watching more Mark Wahlberg-approved hipster douches, so congratulations. Having seen a couple of episodes, I have two big questions. 1) Bryan Greenberg? He offers so little and works so much I'm starting to buy the Jewish conspiracy theories. 2) Lake Bell? She's probably great in the room. She's probably great to hang out with. She's probably a great all-round person. But you can check her long and dizzying IMDB and you will find that I am correct when I say: if Lake Bell's in it, you won't like it.

Spartacus: Blood And Sand
JB: Let me use our little cultural exchange platform here to dispel a few myths about my people, the Scots, and specifically, the Glaswegians. That stuff about us being vindictive, bloody-minded and petty. All true. The charge that our hatred of the English is all-consuming. Not quite true. There is another race the citizens of Glasgow loathe with an even more burning intensity.Other Glaswegians. Especially those who become successful. We hate them. We're suspicious of them. We're jealous of them. We make it our mission to undermine them whenever possible and we spend our time anticipating their demise. So imagine the superhuman effort it's taking for me to say John Hannah is hitting a home run on Spartacus. We watch the show for it's wtf-ness but he elevates it with his slithery, self-loathing brand of evil. He's like the anti- Bryan Greenberg. This week, he rear-ended a sopping wet slave (did you get Jersey Shore hot tub flashbacks?), slaughtered the gay gladiator and, in a shocking climax that I totally didn't see coming, killed the Thracian's missing wife. But...but... that was this series' THING, it's one-armed man, it's why-are-we-on-the-island, it's Ross-and-Rachel. Except it totally wasn't. This series' THING, as it turns out, is when will Spartacus realize that his sleazy Scottish mentor murdered his wife? Runner-up to Hannah this week: the unnamed gladiator who stumbled out of the orgy and muttered "I shat myself".
CC: Wait. Wait. People from Glasgow are called Glaswegians? You're just throwin' that in there all casually like we're all supposed to know that already? Okay, fine. Now I know that. I'm learnin' stuff! :D By the way, when you're an extra on this show, are you allowed to decide for yourself if you're gonna be a boobs-out extra? I'm not talking about all those whores they had in the orgy scene; that's obvious. I'm talking about random passersby on the street and the people watching the gladiator fights. Some have their boobs in, some have 'em out, and I'm like okay, when you show up on set, who decides that, you, as the extra, or whoever's directing that day, or what? These are legitimate questions.

Giada At Home
JB: Sister-in -law Kelly brought her daughter Ava over for a playdate with Giada's baby, Jade. Chicken, artichoke and cannellini bean spezzatino (which, I think, is Snooki's real name). Bruschetta with fontina and greens. Peanut cookies with blackberry jam. Jade is very much her mother's daughter. She's relentlessly adorable. There is not a moment when the camera is on her that she isn't giggling or squealing. And she EATS LIKE A MANIAC. Ava only had two seconds of screen time but that was enough to see that she, like her mother, was resigned to lurking in the shadows.

Amazing Race
JB: What an exciting, action-packed, draggy, tedious, endless hour. I fear I'm out.
CC: You didn't like asian guy's epic compass fail? And then his multiple horsefails? And the Big Brother team's repeated going up to the wrong bandit? And the cowboys kicking ass once again? And the fact that it is actually getting *harder* to tell which is the straight RI brother and which is the gay one? Awww. I thought this ep was good times. Woulda been better times if Miss South Carolina had succumbed to her food poisoning, but you can't have everything.

Best Thing I Ever Ate: Comfort Foods
CC: Giada actually mentioned Anthropologie Todd! She credits him with finding the chicken pot pie she talked about (which looked pretty good). It's in downtown LA, so now I know that Todd works downtown, so Todd, it's just a matter of time before I show up at your door and demand that you outfit me in an adorable strapless cotton frock, perfect for dressing up or dressing down depending on accessories, perfect for winter or summer depending on layering. By the way, there was some other guy on there, somebody Irvine I think his name was, and I can't remember what food he was talking about because I was so busy being appalled at how spray-tanned and roided out he was. Seriously. You're a chef. What the *hell* do you need to be so roided out for? What are you gonna do, beat up a carrot? Yeesh.

CC: I'm gonna start a crew consisting of every single asian person who works at Family Guy (this crew, by the way, will be huge). Watch for us season 6. I guarantee you we will be more interesting than what is happening now. Granted, "interesting" does not necessarily mean "good." But I think we ALREADY KNOW THIS FROM WATCHING THE SHOW THIS YEAR I'M TALKING TO YOU JUMP ROPE PEOPLE AND ALSO EVERYONE ELSE. *sigh* It's not that people did terrible or whatever. Everyone was fine. That's my problem. Fine on this show = boring.

CC: Nothing to say about the truly awesome women's figure skating competition that hasn't already been said, so let me just take my hat off to fellow child-of-restaurant-owners Mirai Nagasu for bringing some serious 4th-place fire, and move right onto the exhibition skate (which NBC royally raped by showing, like, 15% of it...I KNOW there was more, I LOOKED UP THE PROGRAM ON THE INTERNET). And now I must ask the question: how the FUCK are Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir not dating? I liked Davis and White's Billie Jean routine better, but seriously, Virtue/Moir are so ridiculously cute together (and normally I cringe when skaters try to get funky in their exhibition because let's face it, most of 'em are just so...white), but these kids were adorable (loved the outfits) and it's just...it's just a crime that they aren't already married with thousands of babies.

1 comment: