Monday, March 15, 2010

This Tv Club's Work Is Never Done

Between us we have thirteen syllables and two opinions. Agree with the one expressed here or take violent exception to the one at

Gossip Girl
JB:This week,Taylor Momsen got into a screaming fight with her ecstasy
dealer. In completely unrelated news, Gossip Girl finally returned to
our screens and it looks like Serena's getting some
girl-on-girl-action. The new lady in her life has messy bangs, flushed
cheeks's Nate. Oops.
CC: "Everyone needs to play games." I completely do not subscribe to
this theory. However, since Blair Waldorf tells me I should subscribe
to this theory, I may have to start subscribing to this theory.

High Society
CC: Okay, so, this is the best new show ever. I had never heard of
any of these people except for Tinsley Mortimer, but boy oh boy, if
this is the future of the kids on NYC Prep, everyone should be scared.
These people are trash. Trash! They are very rich society trash.
It is HILARIOUS. This guy asks his mom for $50K and they intercut her
explaining that he's gone to rehab and only drinks one drink a night
and he's really turned his life around with shots of him drinking
copiously at a club and making out with some random, and then he's
psyched when she gives him $25K instead (wow, tough love, mom) and he
throws some party and then throws his drink at this girl (who earlier
said that she doesn't like to be friends with fat people or jews or
black people and thinks using the N word is okay...I
realize you're on camera, right?) but she turned at the last minute
and it hit some other girl in the eye and the girl fucking FLIPS OUT,
like, vocally, the screams were just sooo incredibly shrill, it was was just great. It was a crazy joy to watch this. These
fucking people! Oh my god! It's INSANE! These people pretend to
have cancer and burn down their own summer houses! That's what they
do! Long live Tinsley Mortimer and her ridiculous friends!
JB: And you didn't even mention Malik So Chic. We have reached a new
level of vileness. This isn't a reality show, it's a hate crime.

Craig Ferguson
CC: As promised, I watched an episode so we could talk Glaswegians.
Well, I'm watching it right now, at any rate. 33 minutes in and still
no guests. Is this what usually happens? I dunno. So far he's
mostly talked about bailing on the dentist and then he answered some
twitter questions and fondled a sparkly green stuffed chameleon, which
I want, because SPARKLY. Okay, I'm finished watching now. He talked
to Lisa Kudrow and the kid from Aliens in America. It seemed fine.
*shrug* Over to you, JB!
JB: If I stopped a random stranger on the rain-soaked streets of
Glasgow right this minute and told them Craig Ferguson had been run
over by a bus, you would see an outbreak of wild dancing. Champagne
corks would pop and mortal enemies would embrace. Craig Ferguson is
the EMBODIMENT of the successful local guy loathed by his countrymen.
And, in this case, the embittered attitude is not unwarranted. He
first attracted attention as the drummer in a much-derided local band.
He transitioned into shouty stand-up comedy under the name Bing
Hitler. This lead to a successful career as a starlet-banging, coke-
snorting, falling-down drunk tabloid fixture. I was dipping a toe
in the lucrative Scottish comedy market around this time and I had a
meeting with him about a sitcom idea. It was like a scene out of
Scarface. Minus the yayo and the guns but with the paranoia and the
delusion and the indecipherable accents. So you can imagine it pains
me-- and, by extension, every Glaswegian of my generation-- to report
that I think he's turned into a decent talk show host. Now, I don't
keep your vampiric hours. I see the odd YouTube clip and I DVR'd the
episode where it was just him and Stephen Fry quoting Wordsworth to
each other for an hour. But I didn't hate him. Which makes me feel a
little dirty. To cleanse myself, here's some contemporary Glaswegian
sketch comedy! (Try to overlook the accents--they don't speak with the
good like what I do-- and watch all the way through. This is legit
CC: Never in my wildest dreams did I think this, our latest endeavor
in Glaswegian-on-Glaswegian action, would yield the fruits that have
just fallen delightfully from the tree. Bernstein and Ferguson,
sharing the same rarefied Scottish air, in a meeting of professional
Scottish comedy minds? I love everything about this picture. That
youtube, by the way, was the Spartacus of Glaswegian sketch, by which
I mean, yay, fake blood! Huge fail at overlooking the accents,
though...I literally could not understand what anyone was saying till
they got to the talk show part.

American Idol
JB: On this installment of Showtime's Emmy-winning United States of
Kara, our troubled heroine took on the persona of Sobbing Barren
Woman. I know Big Mike was stomping over Maxwell's version of This
Woman's Work but I have to say: Kate Bush- untapped talent-show
source. Wuthering Heights, The Man With The Child In His Eyes, Running
Up That Hill, Hounds Of Love: potential show-stoppers. Otherwise, a
bad week for me and my worthless opinions. My previous picks, The
Epperley and the Nervous Mullet? Both annihilated pre-Top 12. Mark my
word, though: Bowersox has Shock Early Exit written all over her.

Celebrity Fit Club
JB:This week, Bobby Brown shat himself. That is all.

Project Runway
CC: THAT'S what Roland Mouret looks like? Okay. I mean, I didn't
really have a mental picture of him before, but my lack of mental
picture of him didn't look like that. LOVED that peaches & cream
dress on Cerri. HATED the bowl of hair. I was a bowl of
hair. Like, if while you're talking about your design, your
explanation of it is a bowl of hair, maybe that's the point where you
rethink it, because it is a bowl of hair. Hair in a bowl. A bowl
full of hair. Bowl hair. Hairbowl. No thank you.
JB: Weave cleavage. Weavage! Yes, that dress and that
never-seen-the-sun Irish skin. Nice. Ruined only by the designer
simpering about it being `inspired by laughter'.

America's Next Top Model
JB:Hey Naduah, interesting story about being raised in a weird cult
where they erase your personality and force you to debase yourself at
the feet of a self-appointed religious leader. Guess what, YOU'RE
STILL THERE! I try to zoom through ANTM premieres to miss
Tyra's-surprise-entrance-makes-the-rookies-screech and-pee bit so I
don't have to gouge my eyes out. But I wasn't fast enough to skip my
other gripe with this show.Tyra and flunkeys whittle down applicants.
They get to a girl with a science background and they're all "I don't
know if she's passionate about modeling. I don't know if she wants it
with every ounce of her being." I'm paraphrasing. But not really. You
know who else isn't passionate about modeling? Most models! They drift
into it or they're scouted or they're drugged and abducted. And none
of them ever say anything's fierce. Well, Cerri doesn't. Although with
that accent she could.

Sober House
JB: It never ends. In the last episode of Celebrity Rehab which was
ONE WEEK AGO, everyone gathered in a chapel and talked openly and
honestly about the progress they'd made. Tom Sizemore was going to put
down the crack pipe. Heidi Fleiss was going to treat her depression.
Dennis Rodman was going to stop denying he had a problem. Kari Ann
Peniche wasn't going to be even more heinous than that fake-cancer
bitch from High Society. Now they'e all back for Sober House
and....Sizemore actually has a crack pipe in his overnight bag. Heidi
Fleiss looks like she's living in her own Weekend At Bernie's.
Rodman's fully back in `I ain't got a problem, it's everyone else
that's got a problem." mode. And this Kari Ann Peniche shows up
pretty much wearing a dress made out of crystal meth, bursts into
tears, barricades herself in her room, calls the sober house den
mother a fat bitch, quits the show then comes back and cries some

Giada At Home
JB: A taste of Italy. Bruschetta with shrimp tarragon and arugula.
Pasta alla forniora. Stracciatella Semifreddo. Which gave Giada a
chance to over-prounicate everything like she loves to do.
STRACCCHHHHEEEEEATAYYYYYLLLAA. ( The Food Network gave her a travel
show a while back. I saw an episode where she went to London and
totally mis-pronounced every name. "There's the BuckingHAHM Palace.")

Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: Holy. Shit. Well. I'd never seen a blood-spurting CGI dick
stump before. And now I have. What's that old saying? Never show a
gun in act 1 unless it's gonna go off in act 3, something like that?
Well, they did that here. Except the gun was this guy's giant horse
cock (their words not mine). And instead of going off, it GOT CUT
OFF. Like, this guy tried to kill Spartacus (not in the ring, they
were off-duty), and come on, you can't do that, man. You're gonna get
in trouble. So they crucify him, and you're like oh man, sucks, he's
HIS DICK. Needless to say, this is the best show in the history of
television. Don't fuck with Spartacus! Don't do it! The gods are on
his side and the only thing you're gonna get is nails in your wrists
and a lack of penis in the space where your penis should be! Oh, also
there were lots of awesome subplots, and some pretty dresses on Lucy
Lawless's bitch friend's bitch friends, but come on, like I'm really
gonna talk about that when somebody got decockitated. Shut up. As if
we were leaving here without some fancy word for what happened. A GUY
JB: You took the decockitation right out of my mouth! ( I could
probably have said that better). Amazing in an episode where a
horse-cock got lopped off that I have still have A) sight in my eyes
and B) the ability to remember Spartacus standing up for the sanctity
of his bubble-headed blonde friend's marriage, Crixus saving Spartacus
from the H-C Gaul and then banging the shit out of Lucy Lawless on the
advice of his slave girl for whom he'd previously banged her with a
dry, distracted cock. Also, we'd be remiss if we didn't mention the
second series is on hold while Andy Whitfield who plays Spartacus is
treated for non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. Pull through and get back in the
arena, you Thracian bastard!

America's Best Dance Crew
JB: LOL @ Poreotix executing a bench press with their scrawny mathlete
arms. Admirable restraint on whoever made the decision not to cut to a
Gabourey Sidibe reaction during Heavy Impact.
CC: Dammit. I knew I forgot something-- I scanned through this so
fast and so bored-ly (seriously...I hate disco on SYTYCD and I hate it
even more here) that I totally forgot Gabby Sidibe was gonna be in the
audience. Did everyone see her on Kimmel or whatever it was, when she
was talking about how she photobombed Jake Gyllenhaal on the red
carpet? That was awesome.

Amazing Race
CC: I was somehow a) thoroughly entertained during this episode and
b) perfectly satisfied at who got booted and yet c) can think of
absolutely nothing to say about it and therefore d) this was boring.

Celebrity Apprentice
JB: So the gimmick version of the show becomes the actual show? It's like if someone saw the puppet episode of Angel and decided "We'll do the whole thing with puppets from now on!" ( Cut to... CC: I would totally watch that motherfucking show. Puppets=good times. Squee! etc) All the stuff that worked on the O.G Apprentice is missing here. First, THERE IS NO APPRENTICE! Nobody wins a job. They're not forced to live together. All that's required of them is to hit up wealthy associates for donations( which, okay, is pretty embarrassing for Sinbad and Rod Blagojevich) Trump goes easy on them in the boardroom. Team Captain Cyndi Lauper wouldn't even nominate teammates to be fired. AND IT"S TWO HOURS! I quit!


Anonymous said...

I'm only going to tell you this once. Open TextEdit (in your Applications folder), paste in the text you want to post, then convert to Plain Text under one of the menu thingies. Then copy and paste into blogger New Post, and, uh, Bob's Yr Uncle.

Liviania said...

I watch Craig Ferguson on youtube when he has a guest I like, because he's funny, but clearly I need to be watching Spartacus. Even though I don't have cable.

Cherry said...

Livi! GET CABLE! Or netflix as soon as humanly possible! :)

Liviania said...

Cable is expensive! As is Netflix! I do love Netflix ads because the pull-off part makes a perfect bookmark.

jonathan Bernstein said...

If only there was a magical way to make TV shows appear on your computer screen...