Monday, March 29, 2010

I Would Swim In Vomit Rather Than Sit Next To Tv Club

Read the truth here or the made-up version at

Gossip Girl
CC: A delighted "HA!" to Nate calling Serena's devious plan absurd and her INSTANTLY defensive "Blair and Chuck do it all the time!" Okay, that's true. But Serena, you are no Blair, and if even Blair's schemes backfire constantly, why the HELL did you think yours would work? Oh right, boobs. Guess what, boobs don't work all the time either. Just ask Giada. What's that, JB? Just *don't* ask Giada because hers *do* work all the time? Should Blake and Giada have a boob-off? Where are these questions coming from? I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.
JB: I can't believe I'm changing the subject from a Blake/Giada boob-off (The winner: Humanity!) to a discussion about Desmond Harrington. But can this guy become, if not a regular, at least a more frequent recurrer. I don't think I've seen him in anything else but when he swaggers into a scene, this sleepy show wakes up for a few seconds. And then Rufus shows up.
CC: I was like "who the fuck is Desmond Harrington?" so I imdb him and oh right, he's Jack Bass. Yeah, that guy totally rocks.

Dancing With the Stars
CC: I don't know what was scarier, Buzz Aldrin or his wife. I think I'm rooting for Shannen Doherty. I have no particular reason for this.
JB: Quite the line-up. The trajectory of Shannen Doherty's career becomes a lot clearer. She's one of those walking eggshells. Misjudge her mood, put her under any kind of pressure, say the wring thing, look at her the wrong way and she'll crack. I simultaneously feel bad for her because the pressure to perform on love TV is clearly killing her and anticipate the impending crackage. "Why Can't Moms Have Fun?" was the headline on the Kate-Gosselin-does-Dancing story in one of the tabloids. The answer was beaming out of her death eyes. Kate+Fun= Never Happening."This one's for the moms," she tried to smile, before being dragged around the floor. Stop playing the mom card, Kate. You're just giving us permission to go back to hating you again. Know who I think might also attract America's displeasure. Nicole Sherzinger's false modesty bullshit. "This isn't my kind of dancing. I don't know what I'm doing The Viennese Waltz?Never heard of it. I was perfect? I can't believe it. `Cuz this isn't my kind of dancing." And Pam Anderson looked like she was raped through a hedge backwards.

High Society
CC: You know what? I might feel bad for Tinsley. Cuz she's a monster, but her mom is a WAY WORSE monster, and being as how her mom raised her, it's probably all her mom's fault that she's so monstrous. Oh well! That whole charity event thing was such a fake, fake, FAKE-ASS SETUP, by the way, that I almost couldn't even enjoy it (but still sort of did) (but not really because it was so fake). Oh, and that gym scene with Paul Johnson Calderon and that guy was just excruciating. Jesus. The best was probably all the cutting back and forth between the horrible people as they held forth on why the other horrible people were more horrible than them. Devorah Rose? Really? Remember her from NYC Prep? Christ. How has some eccentric billionaire not shelled out the money to have all of these people murdered for sport yet?
JB: I'm glad I didn't choose this episode to start playing the Topper Drinking Game because she mentioned his name like twelve times in the first three minutes.The Benny Hill chase music was playing in my head during the whole Crazy-Mom-pursues-German-prince debacle. I loved the ridiculous `Sweet Smell Of Success' vibe they tried and failed to create with Devorah Rose's slim pamphlet being so powerful no-one in the Upper East Side sneezes without her knowing about it. Except Tinsley who doesn't return her calls. Our Favorite Racist only had one line but it was a Hall of Famer. About Devorah Rose: "I would swim in vomit rather than sit next to her."

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution
JB: I don't want to always be the knee-jerk guy who automatically says the British version of every show adapted for US TV was better. But in this--and every other--case, it's true. The Brit original was one of the best shows I've ever seen. I'll tell you why. Jamie Oliver has Rachael Ray-level ubiquity in the UK. His cooking shows are on all the time. His commercials are on between his shows. His range of boil-in-a bag foods flies off supermarket shelves. His magazine is on the racks next to the check-out lanes. So for him to go into schools and make kids cry by taking away their horrible lunches and make them puke with his tasty salads was a huge risk to an established brand. For him to get into screaming, red-faced, name-calling fights with low-income moms who called him a class traitor who'd turned his back on his own kind and show that on TV was even huger. And then he actually had an effect. Tony Blair bumped up the school lunch budget. Fast food and soft drink companies agreed to stop TV advertising targeted to kids ( which had the effect of ending children's broadcasting on British network TV. Fact!) Beat for beat, the U.S version is the same show. Jamie tangles with crusty lunchladies and elementary students who can't identify a tomato and he cries a lot. It's harder to root for his success this time around. Once again, I'll tell you why. I come--I don't know if I've mentioned this-- from Glasgow aka The Sick Man of Europe aka the Heart Attack Capital of the UK ( Fact!). I'm not saying the locals eat shit( but they would if it was fried!). If some Yank I'd never heard of showed up in my back yard, all teary-eyed and hugging and full of statistics and desperate to curtail my national consumption of grease and lard, I-- and by I, I mean the angry Scottish version of me-- would be a lot less hospitable than the bloated population of Huntington, VA.

Project Runway
CC: I'm gonna fully nerd out and say that I thought the whole idea of designing your own fabric was an AWESOME challenge. Just awesome. They shoulda done that sooner! And also...NOOOO!!!! ANTHONY!!!!! I was already bummed out and then I find this interview in which he says Vivienne Tam looks like Michael Jackson. Which is truth. And gold.
JB:Where do I get that design-your-own-textile- with- your- finger program? If I had such a miraculous device, I would use it like I used Garageband, ie: obsessively for five days and then never again.
CC: Um, were there any actual songs produced during those five days of noodling around on garageband because if so, you may have to post 'em up here as a download. Just sayin'.

Models of the Runway.
CC: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! CERRI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY???!!!!! CERRI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just thinking while watching this episode, "Holy shit, the editor is even more in love with Cerri than I am" because she always gets a lot of screen time every week (because she is FABULOUS) but then was getting even MORE this week, and I was too stupid/hopeful/naive/in love to realize that it was because she was about to get the axe. *sigh* I have NO IDEA why Valeria turned down the DKNY print campaign, by the way. Yeah, yeah, she loves Seth Aaron, I like his stuff too, but come on. DKNY! Print! Turning it down? Them's crazy talk!
JB: What a bitter pill to swallow. I, too fell for the superhero edit. Talking back to Heidi on TV("You're sad. You're uncomfortable") and in person( the dirty tablecloth judgment was `disgusting'). Refusing to look at the judges because she didn't want to be picked out of pity( It wouldn't work out between us. I operate under a different philosophy). And then the guy who shames my first name, who she defended, stabs her in the back and the front. Total bitch move. Fecking fair play to you, lad(it's something the Irish say). I'll miss your voice, your complexion and your disdain. To commemorate the times we shared, I wrote you a little song. Here it is:

Giada At Home
JB: So Giada, if we are to believe her, took a trip with her friend Julie to the isle of Capri. As a memento of the trip, Julie gave Giada the gift of a lemon tree which still stands in her garden. Although, as I keep mentioning, the show is not shot in her actual home so it might have been a stunt tree planted especially for the occasion and then cruelly uprooted. Anyway, the presence of the tree, stunt or not,inspired Giada to cook Julie a lemon-themed lunch. Roasted branzino with lemons. Fried smashed potatoes with lemons. Lemon almond rice pudding. The dynamic between Giada and Julie, when she showed up, was markedly different than the unspoken caste system that exists between Giada and her other friends. They never stopped talking about lemons. Okay, I get that it was a lemon-themed show but the first thing out of Julie's mouth was "I was thinking about our time in Capri and the lemons we ate." And then she gave Giada a present. It was one of her paintings. Of a lemon. And then they talked for a good two minutes about the lemons in Capri and the whole time they're gobbling down Giada's awesome lemon-flavored lunch and staring into each other's eyes. And then Giada abruptly changes the subject and says "How's your sister?" So then small talk for a few seconds and then Giada gets the rice pudding out the fridge and Julie's all excited about the flavor and Giada says "It's lemon!" and Julie dips her spoon in and swallows some pudding. "Mmm lemon heaven," she sighs and Giada, in the exact same tone, echoes "Lemon heaven." Are lemons being used as a code word here? What went on in that trip to Capri?
CC: Giada was on Best Thing I Ever Ate this week too, after a long absence. It was about cold stuff so she talked about these ice cream bars that actually sounded pretty fucking good. They weren't in LA, so I found it more believable. Of course, they *were* in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, which is another place besides LA that rich white people go, so then it wasn't believable anymore again. Dammit, Giada.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: A more cerebral episode this time around (shut up, it was!). We still got our dose of awesome violence when Spartacus suddenly slammed a guy's face into a wall-mounted torch, setting off a pretty cool skin-being-singed-off sound, but we cut away from this one sex scene much earlier than you'd expect (before it began, actually) (I mean, blond bitch got naked but then for the first time they had to stop right there cuz she was about to fuck a 15-year-old kid and that's illegal and whatnot). You just know that Steve DeKnight passed (with flying colors!) the Joss Whedon school of "kill everyone the main character cares about" because, well, goodbye, Cabbage Patch Gladiator! We hardly knew ye! Instead, we're stuck with Counting Crows Gladiator and his Counting Crows-ish brother. Blargh. Hate those guys. Cabbage Patch Gladiator literally stabbed HIMSELF to death, by the way, or at least he was the one who started it, in this gloriously awful, horrible, cool, tense, emotional, "there is nothing we can do about this, this shit is BEYOND FUCKED UP" moment, and boy was Spartacus upset at having to finish the job. See? It's not all cocks and tits with this show. Well, Lucy Lawless did yell "Jupiter's cock!" at one point. And she did show her tits. And this one guy got his head popped off with a chain. Also, I'm going to start saying "gratitude" instead of "thank you" from now on if someone gives me a compliment or does me a favor. "Hey, I like your shirt." "Gratitude." Yeah, we'll see how far that gets me in these not-Spartacan times.
JB: It was Cerri all over again. I was fooled by the constant emphasis on the kid becoming a man. I thought they were going for The Trifecta. They cut off a cock, they bludgeoned a blonde bitch's face to pulp. The logical next step: killing a kid. But I should have known by the way they had Spartacus and Cabbage Patch all loved up and romping like puppies. By the way Spartacus kissed him on the head and said `I need only one friend." Didn't see it coming. Good work, show. Let's also note the way this is turning into a bitchfest between Lucy Lawless and the simpering blonde played by Viva Bianca (formerly Viva Skubiszewski. Thanks, IMDB)
CC: And even more gratitude (I'm doing it...I'm serious here) to imdb for the info that Viva Bianca's most recent pre-Spartacus credit is a movie called "Bad Bush."

Vampire Diaries
CC: It's the little things. When Elena's birth mom's friend said, "The kitchen is this way" instead of inviting Elena in, that was a total "YES! SHE KNOWS ABOUT VAMPIRES AND IS TAKING PRECAUTIONS!" moment. Kind of made the whole episode. Also, AWESOME to see Melinda Clarke of The OC/Firefly fame. By the way, I enjoy the fact that on this show, the high school kids all have sex and nobody really makes a big deal of any of it. I mean, on other shows it's always like "oh my god, blah is having sex with blah, let's all flip out" or "let's take things slow" or "are we making a mistake" or "VERY SPECIAL VIRGINITY EPISODE!" and here it's just sort of whatever, yeah, they're having sex, let's go deal with vampires now. It's refreshing. By the way, I would totally watch Damon and Jack Bass in a Charismatic Slimeball-off. Who's with me?

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