Monday, February 15, 2010

TV Club's Bloody Valentine

Everything you need to know about the previous week on TV. Plus way too much stuff you don't. Available, as ever, at the frozen tundra that is
Amazing Race
CC: During the intros I decided I would root for the cowboys. Then they changed their money wrong and I was like "Crap, are they morons? This will suck if they're morons." But then they kicked ass the rest of the time. So, I hope they're not morons, and for now I'm rooting for the cowboys. And AGGRESSIVELY AGAINST Miss South Carolina and her model boyfriend who is CERTAINLY a moron, as well as against those people from Big Brother, not that I've ever seen Big Brother or know anything about them, I just hate when people who are *that* blatant of reality show whores show up on this show. This show is about WORK! Witness the horror of that guy falling off the cable thing TWICE! By the way, I can't tell the difference between Gay RI Brother and Straight RI Brother unless they're talking yet, so I hope they stick around long enough for me to unravel that mystery.
JB: Are the cowboys morons? EVERYONE'S A MORON. The Big Brothers asked for a ticket to China. Miss Teen Retard said Danke to the cabdriver. Triathlete Granny will crash and burn midway through like all ancient supercompetitors who believe themselves invincible do. The `Big Dawg Needs To Roar' dude who got booted off probably went home and shot himself in the face. Oh, and one of the brothers trilled "Gay Is the only way' and the other said `No it isn't' so that's the template I'm working off.
Olympics, bitches!
CC: I can go from zero to sixty, by which I mean "I don't care about speedskating" to "FUCK, SPEEDSKATING IS THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST FUCKING THING IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD!", in about two seconds, and I do it every four years. So that whole thing with the Koreans having it absolutely locked down, and then that one dude took out his teammate and paved the way for Apolo? Plus J.R. Celski, whom I didn't know existed until yesterday and now think is awesome? TV gold. It's also fun to generally forget about figure skaters for a few years and then have a chance to once again go "Oh yeah! German black guy! He's the Milli Vanilli of ice skating, not because of cheating or anything, but because german black guy!" By the way, the faces on some of those skaters are ROUGH. And since I actually know stuff about skating, I know we've got some even rougher faces coming up. Yikes! :) *merrily prances away* #lovesfigureskating

Friday Night Lights
CC: Chills. CHILLS throughout that entire game. Like, you pretty much knew they would win-- it's the season finale, and this is the show that had them win state the first year-- but still. Chills. Yay for Landry's 72-yard field goal! Also, LOL to Saracen saying that Landry was like a girl, and awwww to Landry taking the Chicago ticket, and awww omg to Riggy taking the fall for his bro, and I'm so psyched that Mrs. Coach stood up for herself and refused to make the apology, and of course Buddy Garrity fried a turkey. I am *so sad* that next season is the last season. And I guarantee you that whatever shows Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton go to next, I will watch just for them.
JB: Let out a Yesss at Landry's miracle goal because, apparently, I haven't seen Every Underdog Sports Movie Ever. Pumped a fist at Mrs. Coach facing down the lynch mob with a laconic `Listen, y'all...'. Empathized the hell out of Landry being dumped by Jess seconds after he gave her his demo CD with `Song For Jess' on it. Got a bit choked up at Billy Riggins declaration of sibling love at the awkward Thanksgiving dinner. Got a bit more choked up at Tim's long slow walk to Texas justice. It wasn't so much the self-sacrifice, it was more because this was his defining moment as The Guy Who Peaked In High School. No tears from me at the prospect of one remaining season. Check it out: this is a show that next-to-no-one watches, that gets no Emmy love, doesn't have an especially rabid fanbase, doesn't shift monstrous amounts of DVDs and has no international following. It's survived five seasons purely because it's good.

America's Best Dance Crew
CC: Ah, so *here* are the asians who are gonna dominate. Poreotics, by the way, is a stupid, stupid name-- yeah, yeah, you got it from combining popping/choreo/robotics, the word "pore" is in it, and pores suck! Girls hate pores! There are dozens of products devoted specifically to hiding pores! Don't put the word "pore" in your name! But these kids, while not being up to Jabba or Quest stylings (yet), were totally watchable (and rewatchable)-- they were basically like a group of any given asian person's friend's punk younger cousins. So, go Poreotics, I guess. (Still like the canadians though.) (Although apparently not enough to remember their crew name.) Choreoptics! See, that's already better. Sort of. Choreoptix? Eh, whatever.
JB: The West got this shit on lock. Heavy Impact are to this season what the Pre-Op Tranny Squad were to last year, ie: their gimmick will keep them afloat for a few weeks. The Crazian Comedy Crew are this year's Fanny Pak, ie: they'll end up getting penalized for being too entertaining but in the meantime I...wait, girls hate pores? *rushes to retrieve `Happy V-Day, Porey' card before disaster strikes*

Project Runway
CC: Wow! That editor of Marie-Claire is a stone cold bitch and it's AWESOME.
JB: She's the Adelle DeWitt of editors. Along with every other editor.

Models of the Runway
CC: Best ep so far. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome model is *so* hateful it's crazy. Very sad that it came down to Cerri and Poor Man's Marisa Miller. By the way, watching that photo shoot was so refreshing because it's awesome to see people who are already professionals and know what they're doing and they just get up there and do it-- pose, pose, pose, click, click, click, thank you, next-- unlike those rubes on Top Model every season.
JB: Eyes Without A Face scored the trifecta. She hit an "I'm not here to make friends' within minutes. She broke out the "I had a dream you were getting fatter and fatter". And in the photo shoot...maybe MOST of the models knew what they were doing but our girl took the `drunk-off-her-ass-14-year-old girl-in a-photo-booth' route to express how free and sexual she couldn't help being.
CC: LOL Eyes Without A Face. Henceforth, shall she be known!

Celebrity Fit Club
JB: Why? Because without Celebrity Fit Club there would be no Celebrity Rehab and without Celebrity Rehab there's be no Sober House and without Sober House.. it'd be anarchy! Jeff Conaway went on Celebrity Fit Club. Within two weeks he was in a wheelchair vomiting into his lap. Daniel Baldwin was on Celebrity Fit Club. Within three episodes, he'd gone missing and was later tracked down to a motel, shaking and dripping with sweat which he attributed to the unusually high pollen count. This season's candidates for subsequent incarceration at Dr Drew's facility are Bobby Brown and Sebastian Bach. I come by this opinion because their mutual desperate need for attention has been foiled by the brilliant casting of K-Fed and Shar Jackson which, so far, is soaking up every second of screen time. Federline is no joke. He's fucking fat. Shar Jackson is more psychologically damaged. By Federline. Within seconds of checking in Boot Camp, she's sobbing to the show's huggy therapist that she was once a celebrated actress, the toast of two continents, and now she's reduced to the stature of a tabloid star. And why? Because she had Federline's kids. And the camera keeps cutting to shots of K-Fed who could not give less of a shit. At one point, Shar is dragging her ass over an assault course. Halfway across a raised horizontal ladder she slips and falls six feet onto the ground. This happens while K-Fed's being interviewed about his weight loss strategy. He sees the medics rush to her aide, shrugs and goes back to the interview, saying `She'll be okay." Also overshadowed by Federline and Shar, but noticed by me as a recurring feature of this show: The Contestant Who Is Not Fat. Nicole Eggert is maybe 130 pounds. She agrees she's far from grotesque but defends her participation by saying she wants to look like she did when she was on Baywatch. The show's not called Celebrity Time Machine! ( But who wouldn't watch that!! Let's make it happen...)

Vampire Diaries
CC: I love that everyone on this show just runs around talking about the "grimoire" with totally no irony, as if that's like a normal word, which it most certainly is not. That ending was awesome though. And hey, Kelly Hu! Also, Jasmine Guy is a badass and I demand that she be resurrected somehow. This can absolutely happen-- they've got a fucking grimoire, after all.

Secret Diary Of A Call Girl
JB: Relax. Nothing to say about it. But I am reminded that the producer of this show directed the first--and last--play I ever wrote. It toured the schools of Glasgow in the early 90s. The students were so excited, they showed their appreciation by showering the actors with money. While they were acting. One guy got hit on the forehead. Another narrowly missed being blinded. Good times.

Best Thing I Ever Ate: Chocolate
CC: There was this one chocolate cookie that looked really good, so I went online to see if I could order them. I can. For $66 plus $46 shipping. For 12 cookies. No thank you.

Giada At Home
JB: Giada prepared sunset brunch for her fancy friends by the beautiful pool of the lovely Malibu beach front property where SHE DOES NOT IN FACT LIVE. Eggs florentine, raspberry jam crepes and smoked salmon pizettes were on the menu. Giada's hoody was zipped up so her boobs, sadly, weren't. Once the cooking part is over, G-Unit fans know to hang on for the last two minutes where she serves up her creations, basks in the awed praise of her lucky guests and then openly mocks them to their faces. She does! If they load up their plates, Giada laughs at them for being pigs. If they take little refined nibbles, Giada snickers at their prissy manners. This week, her husband, Todd from Anthroplogie, faced scorn for not eating enough and for attempting to arrange his pizzettes and crepes to make a smiley face. One of her friends was so relieved to escape Giada's sunny contempt that he piled on theTodd-bashing. "Sunset," cackled the friend," "Isn't that when Todd usually gets up?" I get the implication! Todd's freeloading off his lovely wife. I know, wishful thinking...
CC: I didn't watch this, but I did go to Anthropologie today, and as I was wandering the joyfully fruit-and-floral scented lack of aisles, since the store is a freeform delight of air and space, I pondered how, if I had a child, I *would* love it more than Anthropologie, but probably not by a big enough margin for anyone to feel comfortable.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: Here's a snippet of dialogue that happened this week between Lucy Lawless and Big Lug Square-Hair Gladiator: "Does it excite you to know that your very footsteps moisten my thighs?" "I would have them dripping even more." Yeah. So. That's the stuff that happens on this show. Also there's an underground fight club, in addition to the regular gladiator arena, and in the underground fight club there's a guy who when he wins, he rips off your face and wears it as his face. They show all that. He uses chains to tie the face around his face because otherwise how would it stay on. Oh, and Dreadlocks Gladiator is gay, but don't make fun of him, because Big Lug Square-Hair Gladiator will get mad at you.
JB: I used to watch wrestling on TV. Then I saw a few UFC fights and there was no way I was going back to the WWE. Now, I've seen a face-off and a double eye-squirt. Where do I go from here?

American Idol
JB: I've think I've figured out why Kara irks me so much. She acts like she has no talent. But during Hollywood Part One, Didi the waitress singing to keep the memory of her dead friend alive (which is how she will be identified until it becomes common knowledge that she is a demo singer with enviable industry connections) sang one of Kara's songs. All that LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HEY I'M OVER HERE shit that she does was gone. She just sat back and appreciated the way Didi the maybe waitress did her song justice. Even Cowell, who acts like she's not on the show, was moved to acknowledge both her presence and the fact she'd written something not without merit. It was a warm moment and I predict it will never happen again. Ellen is totally getting the `Meet The New Boss' edit.


Alexa Joy Sherman said...

You guys rule. I only saw the Amazing Race--which I've never watched before. I kind of loved it and am kind of hooked (especially with the Miss Teen "the Iraq...such as" contestant in the mix). I am also having trouble distinguishing between the gay and straight brothers...but hey, I always assume guys are guy until proven otherwise, so that's that. In other news, I know Giada's nanny REALLY WELL...'cause she also baby-sits for me on occasion and used to be my cleaning lady. I'm not sure what my point is here...just wanted to throw that in. Now I really need to go write my own damn blog. Love you guys!

Alexa Joy Sherman said...

I meant to say, "I always assume guys are GAY." Why didn't I get a chance to proof-read my comment before it was posted? Now I'm going to blog about how it sucks to have typos on other people's blogs--typos I cannot change nor delete! AHHHH! My head is going to explode!