Monday, February 8, 2010

TV Club: You Might Experience A Burning Sensation

In which I massively overreact to the revelation that watching Burn Notice is akin to finding According To Jim hilarious. My lowbrow taste is subtly mocked over at the post-apocalyptic wasteland that is
Friday Night Lights
JB: Penultimate episode was right up my street.(Did I mention I live on Bleak Street?) Misery infests Dillon. The Lions forced to play on the Panther field. Mrs. Coach forced to draft a mea culpa to appease the town's rabid right-to-lifers or lose her job. The Riggins boys enjoy a split-second of happiness before the chop shop shenanigans comes back to bite them. Landry left out in the cold as Jess tries to stop Vince seeking revenge on the guy who killed his bug-eyed friend. Vince has a Big Wall-Punching Crazy Drama scene where he screams "I am a monster! That's what I am. I am that guy!" This show is not equipped for multiple happy endings so next week's gonna be hard on us all.
CC: What he said. But maybe I'll try and pick out some lighter moments...the toothpicks on the field, hilarious...Coach asking Julie to go easy on Mrs. Coach and then her agreeing and cooking a lame veggie dinner and Coach wanted to know where the meat was...Landry's reaction to the crowd noise playlist and then his reaction to his friends', fuck it, the Riggins boys are in jail, we're all fucked here.
Best Thing I Ever Ate
CC: Giada, you get a pass this week. It was snack foods, and she waxed poetic about the bar nuts at Union Square Cafe, which are roasted and covered in butter and spices and brown sugar and rosemary and who knows what else, and you know what, they looked fucking great, so applause to you, my bobbleheaded booby friend.
Kell on Earth
CC: So of course I was gonna watch this because the brief moments I saw Kelly Cutrone on-- what was it, The Hills? The City? Both?-- were fascinating. You know, on account of the whole "I work in fashion but somehow look TERRIBLE" thing, plus the "huge bitch" thing. Both those things were in operation in the first episode of this show, with the addition of the "I have a kid so I also have a softer side" angle that nobody cares about, but the major issue here? The first episode's entire drama was based around...dun dun DUN...a list not printing. That was the cliffhanger. A PRINTING issue. An issue with the PRINTER. Yeah, I realize it was a seating chart for a fashion show that was about to happen in like two seconds, but it was still about...printing. It was a TECH SUPPORT problem. And I ask you...WHO THE FUCK CARES? (Another reason I may not be watching this show much longer is because I'm into the fashion aspect of it, and let's face it, since it's fashion PR and not fashion itself, there's a lot less design talk and a lot more just watching how an office runs.Which, who cares. We all know how an office runs. I wanna see goddamn clothes.)
JB: Stop saying exactly what I wanted to say before I have the chance to say it because now I have nothing to say about this! Except: with Kelly Cutrone as with crystal meth, small doses are advisable. Kel clearly has some personal vanity otherwise she wouldn't have been in so many scenes with her gravel-voiced assistant Gay The Impaler. Also, one of her interchangeable associates racked up a first episode "It Is What It Is" score of 3. You work in FASHION, dumbass! Saying It Is What It Is is like me calling something the new black. Which It Is What It Is is not
Shear Genius
JB: Another post-Runway Bravo competition that should...that almost...that never really worked...wait, what? Jonathan Antin is now a judge? Okay,for me, Steve Carrell is the star of the SECOND American adaptation of The Office. Blow Out was the first. J. Antin didn't just raise the bar in terms of tragically insecure, delusional, petulant, arrogant, oblivious Idiot Bosses, he gave it an asymmetrical bob. The Flipping Out guy supplanted him in recent years but I'm delighted to see that he's A) back and B) still an insufferable prick. Potentially delightful new host, too, in Brazilian model and McConnaughey babymama( and contact high beneficiary) Camila Alves. Best of all, the challenge was to arrange hair so it covered up topless runway models' boobs. Bravo: the new home of side titty and exposed nipple!
The Inbetweeners
JB: CBS' s censor didn't chop up Eminem/Lil Wayne's Grammy performance anywhere near as brutally as BBC America hacked the profanities out of this week's episode. Sample dialogue: "F*** F***F***!" Surviving almost intact, though, was a running gag that...I'm not demanding it's immediate induction into the Hall Of Fame or anything but I'm not a big laugher(since the accident) and I keep going back to this and it keeps raising a smile. Three of the quartet of horny hopeless Brit dorks discover one of their number has a secret friend of whom they knew nothing. Hilarity ensues! Here's the whole thing:
America's Best Dance Crew
CC: Canadians, yes (check Lil C's twitter for proof that he agrees with me). Jump rope Just no. Stop with the gimmicks; I was already over it with BreakSkate. What's next, fucking hula hoops? Shit, it's probably fucking hula hoops. :\
Project Runway
CC: Eh. I will fully admit to model snobbery bitchtasticness and say that I do not like when they get "regular women" to come in and be the models. It generally doesn't bode well for the clothes cuz most designers can't deal. And oh look, it didn't bode well for the clothes cuz most designers couldn't deal. Georgina Chapman has INSANE bone structure, by the way.
JB: And is the wife of the show's producer Harvey Weinstein who has HIDEOUS flesh structure.
Models of the Runway
CC: With the sad parting of Sophia the Crazy Asian (Crazian) Bitch, now all we have left is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome "Whatever, That's Just How I'm Playing the Game" Bitch, a much more boring, run-of-the-mill variety. By the way, this isn't Survivor, and you're not playing a game; you're a prop and it's the other people who are playing. Jesus. I like Poor Man's Marisa Miller, by the way. I actually like her better than Real Marisa Miller.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: Hilarious sex scene of week: that gladiator with hair like a cabbage patch kid had to bone some random chick while Lucy Lawless and a bunch of other people watched and Dumb Blonde Lady acted like she never saw people having sex in a room right in front of her face before, which I would generally believe except that all evidence on this show has so far pointed to EVERYONE HAVING ALREADY SEEN THIS BEFORE.
JB: Remember I was saying how cheap the last episodes of Dollhouse were? This was SO MUCH CHEAPER. The behind-the-helmet POV during Spartacus' big beatdown was hilarious.
Life Unexpected
JB: This week, Beer Pong Dad's father turned out to be distant and withholding which...*click*
CC: An open and hearty thank you to whoever came up with "What is Burn Notice?" Also, I always love seeing Dave Grohl on drums.
JB: So, a few weeks ago I was watching Aziz Ansari's Comedy Central special and I usually find stand-up a bit of a grind but this was really really funny. Then he got into the bit about his chubby cousin who is so clueless about pop culture that he watches the USA network. In fact, he's so dumb he thinks Burn Notice is a good show. Right there, I felt that whole they're-not-laughing-with-you-they're-laughing-at-you chill that I haven't experienced in, oh, months. Because I've seen Burn Notice and kind of enjoyed it. Now SNL ,and apparently I"M THE ASSHOLE. Well, I'm going to come out and admit to not only watching but liking Burn Notice.And not in a guilty pleasure way either. It's a good 80s style action hour. And those are hard to get right( see Human Target for an example of a bad 80s style action hour) I'll go further: I've seen far more entertaining episodes of Burn Notice than I have of SNL, especially this season! And you know what else I sometimes watch? iCarly! And I like it better than most of the 30 Rocks I've seen this year. And White Collar's underrated, too! Probably.(Not really seen it. But I have seen Psych. It psucks)
*clears throat, looks sheepish*
Look, I'm not starting some breakaway TV Club Tea Party here, I just think there's more deserving shows to shit on. And after all that, I do actually gave something of value to say about SNL. Best thing, BY FAR: Samberg's fantastic Rahm Emmanel. Where did they put it? Second to last. Where did they put it the last time he did it? On the website! Didn't even make the show! Ridiculous. Would never happen on Burn Notice....