Monday, February 22, 2010

Congratulations...It's A TV Club!

Read it here then read it again and check for hidden clues to win big money at the rusty tin shack that is
Project Runway
JB: I concur with the previously expressed opinion that humans should stay the hell off the runway and leave the walking and the turning to the professionals. With one glaring exception. Kids. Cute kids. Cute kids dressed in cute clothes. The sort of cute kids in cute clothes that might make a person with an increasing tendency towards pitiful broodiness (not me) forget every word in my...uh...their vocabulary except Awwww. I...uh...they are not alone, either. Nina Garcia's phantom water just about broke when Seth Aaron's mini-model brandished her little purse.

Models Of The Runway
JB: Cerri gets the bitch edit-- hates kids, wouldn't let one of her own model, barks at the younger girls for not cleaning up their shit-- yet still comes out smelling like Irish Spring. Les Yeux Sans Visage doesn't say one word but the only time we see her--doing a yoga pose in Central Park while they wait for the kiddie picnic-- she still seems like a volcanic asshole.
CC: I thought I could not love Cerri more, and yet now I do. Also, it has been brought to my attention that Eyes Without a Face bears a resemblance to Meryl Davis of Davis/White ice dancing fame. I agree with this assessment, and I think the ruler measuring the space between their eyes would also agree.

Celebrity Fit Club
JB: Last week, the drummer from Def Leppard was on hand--ha!-- to lead Fit Club through a bongo-pounding session designed to...I haven't quite figured that part out. This week, between assault courses, the show's therapist, Rhonda, gathered the group around a campfire and got them to cremate the personal items they most associated with their hideous bloat. The Not Fat Nicole Eggert tossed a copy of the National Enquirer with an unflattering bikini shot of her. Jay McCarroll burned all the elaborate scarves and ponchos that helped create his Gay Shrek persona. K-Fed threw his size-40 shorts. Rhonda asked him to say something to his fat pants before their Viking funeral. Federline mumbled a few syllables and the camera cut, as it always does, to Shar Jackson who looked, as she always does, grim. K-Fed may not have prepared a memorable speech but he said more to his pants than he has to her over the course of this series or possibly, ever.

Giada at Home
JB: This week, a taste of Northern Italy. Trenette with eggplant.Ligurian fish stew. Crostata with dried apricots and Tallegio cheese. Once again, the goods stayed wrapped up under a red cardigan and white t-shirt. Once again, she ever-so-slightly terrorized the group of girlfriends lucky enough to be allowed to sit in the spacious dining room of her lovely non-home. One friend ventured a quivery-voiced opinion on the origins of the fish stew. "Very good!" Giada replied with a big smile but a hidden subtext, obvious only to long-time viewers, of "Open your mouth to eat or keep it shut." And in mind-blowing news, our colleague in Young Adultery, Alexa Young, SHARES A NANNY WITH GIADA! And that's my IN!
CC: Holy shit. OK. That is awesome. I'm kind of freaking out. do I translate this into a $50,000 gift card to Anthropologie? That's right, I said $50,000. That store ain't cheap, and I want many items.

JB: Forgot this was still on, such is the unmissability of the Brit version. Lythgoe has a real chip on his shoulder about the show's lack of buzz and it's perceived inferiority to the original. He kept telling the final 3 they were as good as any American dancers. Demanded Mandy Moore agree that the UK reading of her boardroom power struggle routine was clearly superior. Told a local choreographer he'd be proud to bring his dance to America and let everyone know it originated in Great Britain. Unconvincing. Here's the winning girl:

Spartacus: Blood And Sand
JB: It was Cock Week on Spartacus. Which it is every week. But even more so. The welcome return of "Jupiter's cock!". "Our fortunes rise like your cock." "Grab hold of your cock and be a man". "Your wife has been fucked to madness by a hundred vermin cocks.". The cock-shaped candle given to Lucy Lawless in order to set the mood for gladiator seed to find purchase in her barren womb. "Do I stir you to passion? Your cock would disagree": Lucy Lawless on her failed attempt to persuade Cruxus the Capuan to impregnate her. And, of course, the Capuan's own unveiled blade of death.
CC: RIGHT?! RIDICULOUS! Wait, wait, I can't resist: RIDICKULOUS! Okay, good times. I made the mistake of trying to watch this episode while eating dinner, and had to immediately switch over to Throwdown with Bobby Flay (brownie throwdown...the people he was against made a goat cheese brownie while he made a peanut butter caramel brownie...fucking judges gave it to the goat cheesers...this was a deeply stupid decision) because at one point they pushed a guy's face into a bunch of maggots. GROSS! MAGGOTS! EWWWW! I would rather see Big Lug Square Hair Gladiator use his finger to push his own intestines back in (which totally happened, by the way) than maggots! Aaaa! Mine eyes!!!!

Popstar to Operastar
JB: No explanation needed. Pop stars you've never heard of singing opera. Yes, another in my ever-evolving, never-appreciated series of Brit shows that would work over here. I could totally cast the American version. A couple of reality show vets( Sebastian Bach, Bret Michaels), some old school soul belters( Patti Labelle, Gladys Knight), some metal guys (Halford, Dio), a country singer or two, maybe a couple of barely employed r&b chicks (Ashanti, Deborah Cox) and two buffoons (Hasselhoff, Billy Idol). Add a bunch of tunes viewers know from travel commercials and you have a hugely-derided, much-watched show. Here to prove, or ruin, my point is the bass player from Blur:

Amazing Race
CC: I didn't think it was possible for an episode where a grandma got kicked in the face by a cow to be boring. I was wrong.
JB:Yes, it was boring. Cowboy boring, Moron boring. Reality whore boring. Lesbian boring. But... writing or even thinking mean thoughts about Team Grandma now makes me want to paint my tongue black. What a lovely woman. What a heart-warming relationship with her grand-daughter.What an inspiring attitude to life. Would one more week of her enjoying the dickens out of everything been that irritating? But then... if she'd stayed, that means losing the untapped comedy bonanza of the slapstick detectives which would be...adios, old lady!
America's Best Dance Crew
JB: Call the medics! There was an outbreak of bringing it this week. Jungle Boogie brought it. The Canadian Bacon Crew brought it. The Rope Dopes brought it. The Fat Bastards brought it. And the Crazy Clockwork Asian Comedy Robots were somewhat derelict in heir duty as regards bringing it. The disappointment in the room was palpable.
American Idol
JB: In the history of boring Hollywood episodes. In the history of boring results shows. In the history of Idol Gives Back. In the history of...that was, these were The Most Boring Filler-Stuffed, Needlessly Extended, Suspense-Free Shows Ever. EVER! Except that the first episode climaxed with Jessica Furney reacting to being rebuffed by Rachel Berrying the fuck out. She out-I Want It So Bad-ed anyone who's ever Wanted It So Bad. When her tirade sailed way past the point of merely being awkward, Ellen tried to step in with a well-intended,`You're only 21, you'll make it.' Jessica must have confused Ellen with her mom because she looked at America's Favorite Sort-Of Funny Lady like she was a piece of shit. She said `How do you know?' and actually sneered when she said it. At Ellen! And then the next night ended with the oft-rejected Angela Martin, a woman whose life is so tragedy-filled that being kicked in the head by a cow is on her bucket list, facing another No. And because she didn't Jessica Furney-out, because she was stoic in the face of her crushed dreams, Angela Martin got the closest thing she's ever going to get to a happy ending. Kara promised to write and produce a song for her. Ellen vowed to find her a record deal. America's Most Wanted stepped in to track down her missing mom. That's right, Furney, Angela Martin can't sing better than you, her star quality is as negligible as yours, but she's got A Thing. Her unendingly miserable life is her version of 50 Cent getting shot nine times. The ball's in your court, Furney. The ball of despair.

Ice dancing original dance, bitches!
CC: Or not, because to my utter horror, my damn DVR malfunctioned and didn't get anybody after Davis & White. Who kicked ass, so that was awesome. I don't know about your countrymen Kerr and Kerr though, JB. Brother/sister teams are fairly common in ice dancing, but I still think it's weird to even have to hold hands with your sibling that much, let alone get up in their face all sassy-like while wearing daisy dukes. Oh, great, I just read on the internet that Virtue/Moir were so awesome they, like, practically exploded the stadium. Wonderful. Thanks, DVR, I'm so glad I missed that. *kicks DVR* By the way, did everyone see the eyebrows on the russian chick? I just want to make sure everyone saw the eyebrows on the russian chick.

Monday, February 15, 2010

TV Club's Bloody Valentine

Everything you need to know about the previous week on TV. Plus way too much stuff you don't. Available, as ever, at the frozen tundra that is
Amazing Race
CC: During the intros I decided I would root for the cowboys. Then they changed their money wrong and I was like "Crap, are they morons? This will suck if they're morons." But then they kicked ass the rest of the time. So, I hope they're not morons, and for now I'm rooting for the cowboys. And AGGRESSIVELY AGAINST Miss South Carolina and her model boyfriend who is CERTAINLY a moron, as well as against those people from Big Brother, not that I've ever seen Big Brother or know anything about them, I just hate when people who are *that* blatant of reality show whores show up on this show. This show is about WORK! Witness the horror of that guy falling off the cable thing TWICE! By the way, I can't tell the difference between Gay RI Brother and Straight RI Brother unless they're talking yet, so I hope they stick around long enough for me to unravel that mystery.
JB: Are the cowboys morons? EVERYONE'S A MORON. The Big Brothers asked for a ticket to China. Miss Teen Retard said Danke to the cabdriver. Triathlete Granny will crash and burn midway through like all ancient supercompetitors who believe themselves invincible do. The `Big Dawg Needs To Roar' dude who got booted off probably went home and shot himself in the face. Oh, and one of the brothers trilled "Gay Is the only way' and the other said `No it isn't' so that's the template I'm working off.
Olympics, bitches!
CC: I can go from zero to sixty, by which I mean "I don't care about speedskating" to "FUCK, SPEEDSKATING IS THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST FUCKING THING IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD!", in about two seconds, and I do it every four years. So that whole thing with the Koreans having it absolutely locked down, and then that one dude took out his teammate and paved the way for Apolo? Plus J.R. Celski, whom I didn't know existed until yesterday and now think is awesome? TV gold. It's also fun to generally forget about figure skaters for a few years and then have a chance to once again go "Oh yeah! German black guy! He's the Milli Vanilli of ice skating, not because of cheating or anything, but because german black guy!" By the way, the faces on some of those skaters are ROUGH. And since I actually know stuff about skating, I know we've got some even rougher faces coming up. Yikes! :) *merrily prances away* #lovesfigureskating

Friday Night Lights
CC: Chills. CHILLS throughout that entire game. Like, you pretty much knew they would win-- it's the season finale, and this is the show that had them win state the first year-- but still. Chills. Yay for Landry's 72-yard field goal! Also, LOL to Saracen saying that Landry was like a girl, and awwww to Landry taking the Chicago ticket, and awww omg to Riggy taking the fall for his bro, and I'm so psyched that Mrs. Coach stood up for herself and refused to make the apology, and of course Buddy Garrity fried a turkey. I am *so sad* that next season is the last season. And I guarantee you that whatever shows Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton go to next, I will watch just for them.
JB: Let out a Yesss at Landry's miracle goal because, apparently, I haven't seen Every Underdog Sports Movie Ever. Pumped a fist at Mrs. Coach facing down the lynch mob with a laconic `Listen, y'all...'. Empathized the hell out of Landry being dumped by Jess seconds after he gave her his demo CD with `Song For Jess' on it. Got a bit choked up at Billy Riggins declaration of sibling love at the awkward Thanksgiving dinner. Got a bit more choked up at Tim's long slow walk to Texas justice. It wasn't so much the self-sacrifice, it was more because this was his defining moment as The Guy Who Peaked In High School. No tears from me at the prospect of one remaining season. Check it out: this is a show that next-to-no-one watches, that gets no Emmy love, doesn't have an especially rabid fanbase, doesn't shift monstrous amounts of DVDs and has no international following. It's survived five seasons purely because it's good.

America's Best Dance Crew
CC: Ah, so *here* are the asians who are gonna dominate. Poreotics, by the way, is a stupid, stupid name-- yeah, yeah, you got it from combining popping/choreo/robotics, the word "pore" is in it, and pores suck! Girls hate pores! There are dozens of products devoted specifically to hiding pores! Don't put the word "pore" in your name! But these kids, while not being up to Jabba or Quest stylings (yet), were totally watchable (and rewatchable)-- they were basically like a group of any given asian person's friend's punk younger cousins. So, go Poreotics, I guess. (Still like the canadians though.) (Although apparently not enough to remember their crew name.) Choreoptics! See, that's already better. Sort of. Choreoptix? Eh, whatever.
JB: The West got this shit on lock. Heavy Impact are to this season what the Pre-Op Tranny Squad were to last year, ie: their gimmick will keep them afloat for a few weeks. The Crazian Comedy Crew are this year's Fanny Pak, ie: they'll end up getting penalized for being too entertaining but in the meantime I...wait, girls hate pores? *rushes to retrieve `Happy V-Day, Porey' card before disaster strikes*

Project Runway
CC: Wow! That editor of Marie-Claire is a stone cold bitch and it's AWESOME.
JB: She's the Adelle DeWitt of editors. Along with every other editor.

Models of the Runway
CC: Best ep so far. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome model is *so* hateful it's crazy. Very sad that it came down to Cerri and Poor Man's Marisa Miller. By the way, watching that photo shoot was so refreshing because it's awesome to see people who are already professionals and know what they're doing and they just get up there and do it-- pose, pose, pose, click, click, click, thank you, next-- unlike those rubes on Top Model every season.
JB: Eyes Without A Face scored the trifecta. She hit an "I'm not here to make friends' within minutes. She broke out the "I had a dream you were getting fatter and fatter". And in the photo shoot...maybe MOST of the models knew what they were doing but our girl took the `drunk-off-her-ass-14-year-old girl-in a-photo-booth' route to express how free and sexual she couldn't help being.
CC: LOL Eyes Without A Face. Henceforth, shall she be known!

Celebrity Fit Club
JB: Why? Because without Celebrity Fit Club there would be no Celebrity Rehab and without Celebrity Rehab there's be no Sober House and without Sober House.. it'd be anarchy! Jeff Conaway went on Celebrity Fit Club. Within two weeks he was in a wheelchair vomiting into his lap. Daniel Baldwin was on Celebrity Fit Club. Within three episodes, he'd gone missing and was later tracked down to a motel, shaking and dripping with sweat which he attributed to the unusually high pollen count. This season's candidates for subsequent incarceration at Dr Drew's facility are Bobby Brown and Sebastian Bach. I come by this opinion because their mutual desperate need for attention has been foiled by the brilliant casting of K-Fed and Shar Jackson which, so far, is soaking up every second of screen time. Federline is no joke. He's fucking fat. Shar Jackson is more psychologically damaged. By Federline. Within seconds of checking in Boot Camp, she's sobbing to the show's huggy therapist that she was once a celebrated actress, the toast of two continents, and now she's reduced to the stature of a tabloid star. And why? Because she had Federline's kids. And the camera keeps cutting to shots of K-Fed who could not give less of a shit. At one point, Shar is dragging her ass over an assault course. Halfway across a raised horizontal ladder she slips and falls six feet onto the ground. This happens while K-Fed's being interviewed about his weight loss strategy. He sees the medics rush to her aide, shrugs and goes back to the interview, saying `She'll be okay." Also overshadowed by Federline and Shar, but noticed by me as a recurring feature of this show: The Contestant Who Is Not Fat. Nicole Eggert is maybe 130 pounds. She agrees she's far from grotesque but defends her participation by saying she wants to look like she did when she was on Baywatch. The show's not called Celebrity Time Machine! ( But who wouldn't watch that!! Let's make it happen...)

Vampire Diaries
CC: I love that everyone on this show just runs around talking about the "grimoire" with totally no irony, as if that's like a normal word, which it most certainly is not. That ending was awesome though. And hey, Kelly Hu! Also, Jasmine Guy is a badass and I demand that she be resurrected somehow. This can absolutely happen-- they've got a fucking grimoire, after all.

Secret Diary Of A Call Girl
JB: Relax. Nothing to say about it. But I am reminded that the producer of this show directed the first--and last--play I ever wrote. It toured the schools of Glasgow in the early 90s. The students were so excited, they showed their appreciation by showering the actors with money. While they were acting. One guy got hit on the forehead. Another narrowly missed being blinded. Good times.

Best Thing I Ever Ate: Chocolate
CC: There was this one chocolate cookie that looked really good, so I went online to see if I could order them. I can. For $66 plus $46 shipping. For 12 cookies. No thank you.

Giada At Home
JB: Giada prepared sunset brunch for her fancy friends by the beautiful pool of the lovely Malibu beach front property where SHE DOES NOT IN FACT LIVE. Eggs florentine, raspberry jam crepes and smoked salmon pizettes were on the menu. Giada's hoody was zipped up so her boobs, sadly, weren't. Once the cooking part is over, G-Unit fans know to hang on for the last two minutes where she serves up her creations, basks in the awed praise of her lucky guests and then openly mocks them to their faces. She does! If they load up their plates, Giada laughs at them for being pigs. If they take little refined nibbles, Giada snickers at their prissy manners. This week, her husband, Todd from Anthroplogie, faced scorn for not eating enough and for attempting to arrange his pizzettes and crepes to make a smiley face. One of her friends was so relieved to escape Giada's sunny contempt that he piled on theTodd-bashing. "Sunset," cackled the friend," "Isn't that when Todd usually gets up?" I get the implication! Todd's freeloading off his lovely wife. I know, wishful thinking...
CC: I didn't watch this, but I did go to Anthropologie today, and as I was wandering the joyfully fruit-and-floral scented lack of aisles, since the store is a freeform delight of air and space, I pondered how, if I had a child, I *would* love it more than Anthropologie, but probably not by a big enough margin for anyone to feel comfortable.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: Here's a snippet of dialogue that happened this week between Lucy Lawless and Big Lug Square-Hair Gladiator: "Does it excite you to know that your very footsteps moisten my thighs?" "I would have them dripping even more." Yeah. So. That's the stuff that happens on this show. Also there's an underground fight club, in addition to the regular gladiator arena, and in the underground fight club there's a guy who when he wins, he rips off your face and wears it as his face. They show all that. He uses chains to tie the face around his face because otherwise how would it stay on. Oh, and Dreadlocks Gladiator is gay, but don't make fun of him, because Big Lug Square-Hair Gladiator will get mad at you.
JB: I used to watch wrestling on TV. Then I saw a few UFC fights and there was no way I was going back to the WWE. Now, I've seen a face-off and a double eye-squirt. Where do I go from here?

American Idol
JB: I've think I've figured out why Kara irks me so much. She acts like she has no talent. But during Hollywood Part One, Didi the waitress singing to keep the memory of her dead friend alive (which is how she will be identified until it becomes common knowledge that she is a demo singer with enviable industry connections) sang one of Kara's songs. All that LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HEY I'M OVER HERE shit that she does was gone. She just sat back and appreciated the way Didi the maybe waitress did her song justice. Even Cowell, who acts like she's not on the show, was moved to acknowledge both her presence and the fact she'd written something not without merit. It was a warm moment and I predict it will never happen again. Ellen is totally getting the `Meet The New Boss' edit.

Monday, February 8, 2010

TV Club: You Might Experience A Burning Sensation

In which I massively overreact to the revelation that watching Burn Notice is akin to finding According To Jim hilarious. My lowbrow taste is subtly mocked over at the post-apocalyptic wasteland that is
Friday Night Lights
JB: Penultimate episode was right up my street.(Did I mention I live on Bleak Street?) Misery infests Dillon. The Lions forced to play on the Panther field. Mrs. Coach forced to draft a mea culpa to appease the town's rabid right-to-lifers or lose her job. The Riggins boys enjoy a split-second of happiness before the chop shop shenanigans comes back to bite them. Landry left out in the cold as Jess tries to stop Vince seeking revenge on the guy who killed his bug-eyed friend. Vince has a Big Wall-Punching Crazy Drama scene where he screams "I am a monster! That's what I am. I am that guy!" This show is not equipped for multiple happy endings so next week's gonna be hard on us all.
CC: What he said. But maybe I'll try and pick out some lighter moments...the toothpicks on the field, hilarious...Coach asking Julie to go easy on Mrs. Coach and then her agreeing and cooking a lame veggie dinner and Coach wanted to know where the meat was...Landry's reaction to the crowd noise playlist and then his reaction to his friends', fuck it, the Riggins boys are in jail, we're all fucked here.
Best Thing I Ever Ate
CC: Giada, you get a pass this week. It was snack foods, and she waxed poetic about the bar nuts at Union Square Cafe, which are roasted and covered in butter and spices and brown sugar and rosemary and who knows what else, and you know what, they looked fucking great, so applause to you, my bobbleheaded booby friend.
Kell on Earth
CC: So of course I was gonna watch this because the brief moments I saw Kelly Cutrone on-- what was it, The Hills? The City? Both?-- were fascinating. You know, on account of the whole "I work in fashion but somehow look TERRIBLE" thing, plus the "huge bitch" thing. Both those things were in operation in the first episode of this show, with the addition of the "I have a kid so I also have a softer side" angle that nobody cares about, but the major issue here? The first episode's entire drama was based around...dun dun DUN...a list not printing. That was the cliffhanger. A PRINTING issue. An issue with the PRINTER. Yeah, I realize it was a seating chart for a fashion show that was about to happen in like two seconds, but it was still about...printing. It was a TECH SUPPORT problem. And I ask you...WHO THE FUCK CARES? (Another reason I may not be watching this show much longer is because I'm into the fashion aspect of it, and let's face it, since it's fashion PR and not fashion itself, there's a lot less design talk and a lot more just watching how an office runs.Which, who cares. We all know how an office runs. I wanna see goddamn clothes.)
JB: Stop saying exactly what I wanted to say before I have the chance to say it because now I have nothing to say about this! Except: with Kelly Cutrone as with crystal meth, small doses are advisable. Kel clearly has some personal vanity otherwise she wouldn't have been in so many scenes with her gravel-voiced assistant Gay The Impaler. Also, one of her interchangeable associates racked up a first episode "It Is What It Is" score of 3. You work in FASHION, dumbass! Saying It Is What It Is is like me calling something the new black. Which It Is What It Is is not
Shear Genius
JB: Another post-Runway Bravo competition that should...that almost...that never really worked...wait, what? Jonathan Antin is now a judge? Okay,for me, Steve Carrell is the star of the SECOND American adaptation of The Office. Blow Out was the first. J. Antin didn't just raise the bar in terms of tragically insecure, delusional, petulant, arrogant, oblivious Idiot Bosses, he gave it an asymmetrical bob. The Flipping Out guy supplanted him in recent years but I'm delighted to see that he's A) back and B) still an insufferable prick. Potentially delightful new host, too, in Brazilian model and McConnaughey babymama( and contact high beneficiary) Camila Alves. Best of all, the challenge was to arrange hair so it covered up topless runway models' boobs. Bravo: the new home of side titty and exposed nipple!
The Inbetweeners
JB: CBS' s censor didn't chop up Eminem/Lil Wayne's Grammy performance anywhere near as brutally as BBC America hacked the profanities out of this week's episode. Sample dialogue: "F*** F***F***!" Surviving almost intact, though, was a running gag that...I'm not demanding it's immediate induction into the Hall Of Fame or anything but I'm not a big laugher(since the accident) and I keep going back to this and it keeps raising a smile. Three of the quartet of horny hopeless Brit dorks discover one of their number has a secret friend of whom they knew nothing. Hilarity ensues! Here's the whole thing:
America's Best Dance Crew
CC: Canadians, yes (check Lil C's twitter for proof that he agrees with me). Jump rope Just no. Stop with the gimmicks; I was already over it with BreakSkate. What's next, fucking hula hoops? Shit, it's probably fucking hula hoops. :\
Project Runway
CC: Eh. I will fully admit to model snobbery bitchtasticness and say that I do not like when they get "regular women" to come in and be the models. It generally doesn't bode well for the clothes cuz most designers can't deal. And oh look, it didn't bode well for the clothes cuz most designers couldn't deal. Georgina Chapman has INSANE bone structure, by the way.
JB: And is the wife of the show's producer Harvey Weinstein who has HIDEOUS flesh structure.
Models of the Runway
CC: With the sad parting of Sophia the Crazy Asian (Crazian) Bitch, now all we have left is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome "Whatever, That's Just How I'm Playing the Game" Bitch, a much more boring, run-of-the-mill variety. By the way, this isn't Survivor, and you're not playing a game; you're a prop and it's the other people who are playing. Jesus. I like Poor Man's Marisa Miller, by the way. I actually like her better than Real Marisa Miller.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: Hilarious sex scene of week: that gladiator with hair like a cabbage patch kid had to bone some random chick while Lucy Lawless and a bunch of other people watched and Dumb Blonde Lady acted like she never saw people having sex in a room right in front of her face before, which I would generally believe except that all evidence on this show has so far pointed to EVERYONE HAVING ALREADY SEEN THIS BEFORE.
JB: Remember I was saying how cheap the last episodes of Dollhouse were? This was SO MUCH CHEAPER. The behind-the-helmet POV during Spartacus' big beatdown was hilarious.
Life Unexpected
JB: This week, Beer Pong Dad's father turned out to be distant and withholding which...*click*
CC: An open and hearty thank you to whoever came up with "What is Burn Notice?" Also, I always love seeing Dave Grohl on drums.
JB: So, a few weeks ago I was watching Aziz Ansari's Comedy Central special and I usually find stand-up a bit of a grind but this was really really funny. Then he got into the bit about his chubby cousin who is so clueless about pop culture that he watches the USA network. In fact, he's so dumb he thinks Burn Notice is a good show. Right there, I felt that whole they're-not-laughing-with-you-they're-laughing-at-you chill that I haven't experienced in, oh, months. Because I've seen Burn Notice and kind of enjoyed it. Now SNL ,and apparently I"M THE ASSHOLE. Well, I'm going to come out and admit to not only watching but liking Burn Notice.And not in a guilty pleasure way either. It's a good 80s style action hour. And those are hard to get right( see Human Target for an example of a bad 80s style action hour) I'll go further: I've seen far more entertaining episodes of Burn Notice than I have of SNL, especially this season! And you know what else I sometimes watch? iCarly! And I like it better than most of the 30 Rocks I've seen this year. And White Collar's underrated, too! Probably.(Not really seen it. But I have seen Psych. It psucks)
*clears throat, looks sheepish*
Look, I'm not starting some breakaway TV Club Tea Party here, I just think there's more deserving shows to shit on. And after all that, I do actually gave something of value to say about SNL. Best thing, BY FAR: Samberg's fantastic Rahm Emmanel. Where did they put it? Second to last. Where did they put it the last time he did it? On the website! Didn't even make the show! Ridiculous. Would never happen on Burn Notice....

Monday, February 1, 2010

TV Club: Different From The Onion's TV Club And Slate's TV Club In Many Ways

And we're back! Is it funnier here or at You decide!
JB: Okay, this may have been fan fiction paid for by breaking into a change jar but, in many ways, it was more satisfying than either the Buffy or Angel finales. The six of us watching got what we wanted. Topher fixed the world he broke. DeWitt got a garden to look look after. Sierra and the Beyond Thunderdome Victor had a cute kid and wound up more or less together. Dushku got to salvage her battered reputation with that big post-Ballard breakdown scene. The thing with Echo downloading him was a fittingly romantic climax until you thought about it for more than three seconds. Then weird. And the abrupt way Fox cut the last seconds of the final scene was perfect. It was like they were saying "Happy now, geeks? You got to see your little show through to the end. Now fuck off." I can't think of another example of a more ill-conceived idea that made it harder to be a fan that so completely turned itself around. I'll miss it.
CC: Almost cried. Joss does tend to nail his last episodes, doesn't he? Loved Alpha suddenly being good. Agreed on Dushku's breakdown scene. Loved that shit with the little jump drives around people's necks. Bye, Dollhouse! Looking forward to seeing whatever all these people are gonna do next (I kind of stalk the Whedonverse). Unless it's V. Morena Baccarin and Alan Tudyk? Couldn't save V.
JB: Hello NBC. Can I suggest the services of my client Olivia Williams for your sure-to-be- shitty remake of Prime Suspect. She won't save it sucking but she'll add a little class.

American Idol
JB: The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Which is to say, I may have spearheaded the massively successful Send Katy Perry A Turd And Win A Pen campaign but I respect her urge to smack Kara around.

Project Runway
JB: The Salem witch trials displayed more mercy and compassion than Ping Wu received during this episode. She got the Crazy Lady edit. She got the Headless Chicken edit. Her challenge partner got the Patience Of A Saint edit even as he was miming punching her face. Even her model grabbed the chance to shank Ping Wu in the kidney during an `Et tu, model?' moment that would have earned anyone else a `know your role and shut your mouth' rebuke.(See the Models Of The Runway fate of Sophia who committed the cardinal sin of being `difficult') Now that she's gone, I'm thinking the brittle and devious Mila Heramanovski (or, as I like to call her, Old Bob. The super-hot Maya Luz being Young Bob) will rise as the embodiment of evil. That second challenge, by the way? Knock off a cheap copy of your rivals' designs. Did that make any sense? I've got a feeling that might have been a No-One Realized The Producer Was Joking moment.
CC: Aaaaand we're back to train wrecks. Whatever that thing was where the cheap version looked BETTER than the expensive version and either way they were both boring black minidress/vest things? Ugh. Once again, the judges were on drugs (WHY did they think that and pants thing...WHY was that good?). And with the loss of BOTH Ping and then Sophia off Models this week, they killed my fantasy crazy-asian-off in one fell swoop! Awww.

Models Of The Runway
JB: First Ping, then Sophia! It wasn't an Asian-off, it was an Asian-auf! (In the unlikely event I ever get an audio book, I'm hiring that Irish girl to do the reading. That voice. Like a light shower on a spring day. Imagine her reading that.)

The Inbetweeners
JB:I've already seen both seasons of this semi-likeable attempt at a UK American Pie.( I wonder if they ever thought of calling it Shepherd's Pie? Very funny joke.) BBC America just started showing it and I wanted to see the first episode to find out how much of the non-stop sweariness survived. Fuck, obviously, is a no-no. Shit is a yes. So is wanker. So is bollocks. So is vag. Cock is a negative. So is dick. You may ask how you can have bollocks without cock and dick but that is for smarter minds than mine. (Whedonverse connection: Anthony Head's daughter is the love interest)

Life Unexpected
JB: I think my heart shrunk two sizes during this. Second episodes are notoriously disappointing but what we were served up here was particularly desperate. New mom's radio station force her to read a statement denying she's got a daughter. Orphan's rag-tag crew of fellow orphans feel threatened and jealous of her new home. I didn't tear up once. Well, maybe once. But it was right at the end. (One thing rang true, though. The bit where Beer Pong Dad was being criticized for being irresponsible because he broke his smoke alarm rather than change the battery. I've done that twice in the last month.)
CC: Yeah, I had a problem with how NOT rag-taggy the rag-tag crew was. I know this is the CW and they have to cast pretty people and whatever, but seriously, those street kids were about as street as Jason Street (old school FNL shoutout!). By the way, I own that black and gray flannel dress the one girl was holding up in that one scene, so apparently Lux and I both shop at Urban Outfitters. This probably says more about me than it does about her, being as how she's a fictional teenager whereas I am a nonfictional grown woman who apparently wears the same clothes as a fictional teenager.

Friday Night Lights
JB: The Matt Saracen Broken Silver Cup Of Suffering And Pain was officially passed down to Luke Cafferty this week. (Along with a Chicago cameo from Zach Gilford to confirm that, yes, our boy is still miserable). Like ripples from a pebble, Luke spread unhappiness across Dillon. He kept quiet about his injury but was so insistent on playing, he developed an addiction to Oxycontin. His temporary impregnation of Becky turned his mother into an avenging angel who might end up costing Tami her job and making her a local pariah. Quick question about the underwritten Landry/Jess/Vince triangle. It may seem that Landry is Jess's fun high school fling while Vince, always one step away a life of crime, is the one she really understands. I know the writers want us to forget this but LANDRY KILLED SOMEONE.
CC: LOL. Good lord, he did, didn't he. I think we *all* wanna forget that season. I'm super mad at Luke's mom, by the way. Don't fuck with Mrs. Coach!

JB: Syfy might be missing an opportunity to expand this show's reach beyond the disgruntled BSG hardcore. I'm not sure enough people are aware that Caprica is about a teenage girl who wakes up inside the body of a huge clanking robot. Doesn't every teenage girl have at least a moment when they feel exactly like that? Come on, YA community! Why didn't any of us think of it? (Actually,there might be hundreds of robot chick titles out there. I'm way too depressed to go anywhere near the Barnes & Noble Young Adult section) The audience that Syfy isn't courting would also flip out over the way the girl/inside robot predicament is visualized. One second you see techies welding and hammering away at a giant hunk of metal, the next they're doing the same thing to a 15 year-old girl (or, to be exact, avatar/ essence of girl hybrid). And when the girl reaches out to her best friend for a comforting hug, you see these big giant girders stretching out. I'm telling you. Syfy, sell the robot girl to teens and they'll stay for the religious allegories or, at least, they'll fast forward through them like me. (Also, Jason Street, mentioned above, showed up this week as part of Polly Walker's weirdo group marriage)

America's Best Dance Crew
CC: Eh. So far.
JB: The good news: they replaced Shane Spolanski ( though Hok should have got the full- time gig over Omarion who starts at a disadvantage with me because his new record is called Ollusion) The bad news: Jay Z didn't destroy Lil Mama's career.

Vampire Diaries
CC: Is EVERYONE on this show a vampire? Apparently yes. I was kind of delighted to see Sean Faris, by the way, although I have no idea why because I had to imdb him to see what I knew him from. I hope Nina Dobrev is stocking up on the sunscreen, because those costume designers are obsessed with putting her in super low-cut tank tops. They always casual it up by throwing a jacket over it, but giant swathes of her skin are still out, and I fear for her chestal area in a couple of years if this keeps up.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand
CC: Okay, I have no idea what is going on in this show because let me give you a short example of what is going on in this show: Lucy Lawless and her husband are walking around their old-timey roman house or whatever, being followed by servants, having some sort of convo about, like, the weather and, I dunno, roman politics, who fucking knows, I couldn't pay attention because then they go to their bedroom and their servants start undressing them and you figure they're going to go to sleep, but then Mr. Lawless gets naked and one of the servant girls starts blowing him and then they cut back to Lucy Lawless and she's getting fingered by another servant girl and then she and Mr. Lawless fuck in front of the servants and the entire time, I'm pretty sure they're still talking about roman politics or whatever, but I couldn't really pay attention because I was too busy yelling "WHAT?!" at the screen, and then oh yeah, in the next scene, Spartacus is hanging with a bunch of other gladiator dudes and everyone's dick is out. If you want male full frontal nudity, this is your show. If you want to hear someone swear by saying "Jupiter's cock!" this is your show. Even if you want neither of those things, this is still your show, because THIS SHOW IS HILARIOUS AND I WILL WATCH EVERY EPISODE.
JB: The gladiator boss enjoying executive relief from his slave? Glasgow's own John Hannah. The first ex-Dollhouse employee to find gainful employment? The guy who co- wrote the finale and most of the best of this season. He's this show's script editor.

Jersey Shore "Before the Shore"
CC: Everyone catch this special with footage from their casting videos? It was pretty much what you'd expect, with one glaring exception: Sammi. Her pre-show footage was much more traditionally guidette, in line with Snooki's and JWoww's and Angelina's, in the sense that it was all about her showing off how she gets ready to go out to the club, you know, here's my makeup, here's my skanky outfits, here's my hair extensions, everyone thinks I'm hot, they call me Sweetheart but I'm really a bitch, blah blah, I'm lookin' fine and I'm taking all the other girls down, oh my god, Jersey Shore, you aren't even ready for the hotness that is me. And then she actually gets there and becomes that sullen, surly, glasses-wearing, I'm-gonna-date-Ronnie-but-pick-random-fights-with-him-every-five-seconds-don't-you-dare-call-me-Flintstone-toe drama queen. It's kind of fascinating. No wait, it's TOTALLY FASCINATING.

CC: Jon Hamm is fucking funny. End of story. Also, I kind of love that he's not particularly buff under that suit. Wait, no, I totally love it. Jon Hamm for president of the universe!
JB: I could have watched 90 minutes of Jon Hamm playing Don Draper in hilarious TV situations. I could have watched about one more minute of Hamm and Buble.