Monday, January 25, 2010

TV Club:Epic Proportions!

Yup, it's a big one. (That's what she said!) Dig in both here and at :

Project Runway

CC: I loved this challenge! Almost everything was cute. You know, except for Ping Wu's Asstravaganza. But other than that, there were so many things I would totally wear! Except for Ping Wu's Asstravaganza. Plus, we got some boob pixelation. That's always fun. We also got Ping Wu's Asstravaganza.
JB: Ping Wu is on some Bai Ling I-am-merely-visiting-your-world-your-ways-are-strange-and-frightening-to-me bullshit. Potato party?

Models of the Runway

CC: Is it me or is the model apartment decorated with those giant stickers that come in $20 packs that you just slap up on the wall like girly versions of fatheads? Way to spend some money, Lifetime. I kind of love the divide growing between the younger models who are so psyched to be there and the older ones who are just over it already. I also kind of love that Sophia is a total bitch while having the world's most enviable skin. If she and Ping ever get into a crazy-asian-off, I will tell you right now that it will be my favorite episode. (For proof that this could actually occur, please check Sophia's week 1 video blog on the Lifetime website wherein she expresses disdain for Ping's weird "do a dance on the catwalk" request, which I agree is totally wtf unless you're Coco Rocha from whoever's runway that was however many years ago that was.) And of all people it had to be the girl with the fucked up knee? Poor Elizaveta! Hope you heal up good; we hardly knew ye but you seemed super sweet.

JB: Team Dinosaur! I like when models don't even attempt to hide their complete contempt for modeling (Exhibit A: Elyse Sewell, still in my Reality Show Hall Of Fame). Watching Sophia, to me, is like looking in a mirror (except for the many ways in which it isn't). Refuses to mingle. Doesn't like to smile. Has to be told to speak. I haven't experienced such an emotional connection to a TV show contestant since Kenley. Quote of the night : "Our personalities are very black and white"- Crazy Eyes Alexis on her relief she wasn't paired with gay, black cliche Anthony.

American Idol
JB: Hard to choose the best performance from these auditions. Was it `I've got asthma' or `My son's autistic' or "One side of my face is frozen' or "I blew the Hollywood auditions last year' or "My dad left home' or 'I did four years hard time for robbing a bank with a BB gun"? Listen, you whining bitches, remember David Cook? Winner from a few seasons ago? Specialist in non-exciting guitar-based rock-like music? David Cook's brother had brain cancer. HE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT. Even, in one of Idol's most disgraceful moments, when Seacrest basically begged him to.
Worse than the wall-to-wall sob stories? Kara's `look at me, look me' meets Kristin Chenoweth's 'how adorable am I?' and forms a Vortex of Shit.

Friday Night Lights
JB: I'm guessing you haven't watched this yet, so spoilers begin in:
Seriously was not expecting that. I think Becky is the first character to go through with an abortion on a (semi) network show in over thirty years. I've given Madison Burge shit in previous weeks but she sold her big scene with Tami where she went through her options and then came to the realization that she couldn't raise a child. I've given the character of Tami Taylor even more shit for being a saint but Connie Britton really shone: you could see `what if it was my daughter? what if it had been me?' questions forming in her eyes. And, in an unexpected Dillon/Whedonverse crossover, our ever-increasing series on excellent real-life coupes flying under the radar continues with Adrianne Palicki and Alan Tudyk.

Life Unexpected
JB: Here's me ten minutes into the Gilmore Girls pilot back in 1987 or whenever it was: "Fuck this shit." Here's me six years later:" Damn you for making me belatedly like you, show! Now I've got to Netflix six seasons worth of sledgehammer cuteness, obscure pop culture references and Jewish WASP envy." So I'm not about to make that mistake with Life Unexpected which is a total old-time WB snark'n'sob show with an old-time WB cast. True to form, my flesh literally crawled off my body for the first half-hour. Hated the slacker douche (tm CC) and the commitment-phobe morning DJ who reunite when the product of their one and only highschool hookup returns to haunt them in the form of a snotty, judgemental orphan who needs their signatures so she can emancipate herself from the family who, justifiably, loathe her. Then the second half-hour...the slacker douche and the orphan bond over You Tube videos of lions and pandas. The morning DJ and the orphan cancel out each other's more objectionable qualities...I'm going to say that A) I'm a sap and B) I liked this enough to watch again. btw, the orphan is played by an actress called Britt Robertson. I noticed another girl called Britt in the cast. Is Britt suddenly The New Name the way Aubrey became The New Name a few years ago?

CC: Same. It was very much "oh, this might be too sappy for my busted, cynical, rather-be-watching-Chuck-Bass-do-something-assholic heart," and then at other moments I was like "fuck, I'm gonna end up getting sucked into this." Like, I'm simultaneously unsold and yet half-sold on everything that happened. I *will* say that bar owner and morning radio talk show host are fake jobs, like architect and greeting card writer. I even KNOW people who've actually held those jobs but they are still fake jobs.

Best Thing I Ever Ate

CC: This week they talked about cheese. Which, being asian, I didn't really grow up stuffing my face with, so this was not my fave episode ever. Some of the closeup shots of bubbling, oily melted cheese were actually kinda gross. And Giada went with another LA restaurant that made me instantly suspicious because she opened with a schpiel about the chef telling her it was his grandma's recipe and how she was totally sold as soon as he said that, which, great, but I mean, just cuz a guy owns a restaurant and uses his grandma's lasagna recipe doesn't *guarantee* it's good, because what if his grandma sucked at cooking? She probably didn't because the restaurant's still in business, but maybe wait to taste the thing first before you prematurely go all nuts over it, right, Giada? Just a thought. Thanks for buttoning up your shirt pretty high though.
JB: If Giada says the grandma's recipe is good, it's good. End of. She's kind of like the perfect woman to me. It's not just the boobs (although a little bit). I find her to be very aspirational. I just bought quinoa from Whole Foods on her say-so. It tastes like the inside of a cushion. But if Giada says it's good, it's good.

JB: As unnecessary prequels go, this was better than Dumber and Dumberer, Hannibal Rising and The Phantom Menace put together(although I'd like to see them put together). Lots of big ideas being tossed around about religion and terrorism and science and the spiritual and moral decline of a society numbed by mindless entertainment. But what resonated with me the most? In the future, they have PAPER COMPUTERS! You can just crumple them up and shove them in your pocket. My desire for the iPad or whatever it's called? Decreased.

Celebrity Rehab
JB: Mackenzie Phillips and Mindy McCready are sharing a room. They get into the addict dick-measuring thing of "What's the drunkest you've ever been?". Mindy McCready is like "One time I got so drunk..." Mid-sentence, she freezes. She starts shaking and drooling. Mackenzie Phillips screams with laughter":That's so true. That's what it's like!" Mindy McCready tumbles on to the floor and goes into violent convulsions. Mackenzie Phillips is clapping her hands and howling "Yes!" Mindy McCready keeps twitching and shuddering. Mackenzie Phillips yuks it up for at least another minute before she realizes her room-mate is having a seizure. If Mackenzie Phillips could so radically misinterpret a situation, maybe her father was just looking for his keys...
CC: I don't even watch this show but I feel like I just did. Thank you, JB. Thank you

Jersey Shore

CC: Please note that 29 minutes in, The Situation totally picked up his drink with his pinkie finger sticking way the fuck out. I don't even know what to do with that. I did know what to do with his hot tub makeout session with Snooki, which was use my hand to intermittently cover parts of the screen, lest I go blind, not unlike when you stare at a solar eclipse (you think you can do it, but no, you can't do it). The reunion show was awesome, by the way. I am CLINGING to the hope (and assumption) that Sammi and Ronnie had a big fight after the show and then promptly made up again, as is their m.o. They BETTER have. My heart will break if they didn't. By the that the season's over...NOW WHAT? WHAT ARE WE ALL SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, MTV? GODDAMMIT! YOU CREATED US, NOW YOU HAVE FORSAKEN US! Seriously. Life will never be the same. Thursday nights shone a whole lot brighter for a few too-short weeks, and now? They just got a whole lot darker. *sob*

JB: That scene with Snooki doing her I-don't-need-men-I'll-dance-on-the-boardwalk-by-myself thing: absolutely tragic. Had I any technical know-how, I would re-score it with `Everybody Hurts' or `Mad World' to bring out the pathos. I'm a little split on the reunion show. I enjoyed the waves of resentment radiating off Angelina but the Sammi/Ronnie meltdown had some of the stink of that scripted Speidi bullshit about it. I don't doubt very second of Jersey Shore is artfully choreographed and edited but the reason it's a quillion times better than The Hills is that it never comes off that way. It always seem like the insanity is unfolding in front of us like a rare and precious flower. When the Latina autocue-bot said `we have some unaired footage' and Sammi froze up, I don't know, I had a suspension of disbelief problem. But, yes, big hole in our lives.

Pit Boss
JB: Did I ever tell you about my reality show idea? Haunted Cake Shop. It's obviously going to be very popular because the cable schedules are filled to bursting with shows about cakes and shows about ghosts, so. Someone at Animal Planet is obviously thinking along the same lines: What else is popular? Lost dogs and little people. So let's do a show about Shortywood productions: a real-life pit-bull rescue service entirely owned and operated by dwarves. I guess they ran into legal problems and couldn't go with the obvious title Little People, Big Dogs. Pit Boss isn't nearly as good but the show itself is everything you could imagine-- company boss Shorty Rossi lives on a boat, has a body covered in prison tats, smokes a cigar and wears a pork pie hat-- and more.

Spartacus: Blood & Sand
JB: I'm not saying two jacked-up 15 year-olds who thought 300 was way too slow and arty made this on their MacBook Pro. But that's how it seems. CGI blood and fake boobs are squirting and bouncing all over the place. Naked gladiators scream `Die, Thracian cunt!' as they dismember each other. There's multiple decapitations. There's multiple dearmitations and delegitations. There's even multiple deSTUMPitations. I'm not sure what I just watched but...*picks up remote control, presses Record Series*
CC: Fuck me. I need to get Starz.

So UK Think You Can Dance
JB: Tyce Diorio+ hopelessly weeping judges=
CC: Oh no. Not again. And albino guy is no Ade. Come on. Really? Blah. By the way, if you watch the other videos to the right, please note the hilariously lame freeze the guy does at one point in the hip-hop routine. I thought the contemporary with the raggedy blue outfits was cute though. And while we're on the subject of this show, I totally met Travis Wall last night. I am trying very hard to write this in a chill manner even though my heart is going "SQUEEEEE!!!!" He was super, super nice. That is all I'm going to say. Please note heart goes squee but fingers are typing chill. BUT HEART GOES SQUEEEE. Stopping now before this turns into eight pages of ecstatically rehashing everything he has ever done, ever, cuz I could do it. But I won't subject you to it. Squee.

US Figure Skating Exhibition Show (oh yeah, i'm going there)
CC: Well, Belbin & Agosto are no Mark & Chelsie, but if you set some dance-ish thing to Bleeding Love, will I watch it and enjoy it? Yes. Odds are, yes. Also, that little 10-year-old asian kid who did Peter & the Wolf and is throwing down at the 2018 Olympics is just about the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. Fuck your older hockey-playing brothers, Nathan, you just keep doing what you're doing! Mirai Nagasu wuz robbed during the competition, by the way. And Johnny Weir was the Adam Lambert of ice skating before Adam Lambert even existed. Bless his Lady Gaga heart...and face paint...and sparkly silver gloves...and designer sunglasses collection...and oh yeah he apparently has his own reality show.

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