Sunday, January 10, 2010

TV Club 2010: The Year We Make Contact

New Year. New shows. New TV Club. Same column but with a blue background at

> Jersey Shore from 2 eps ago
> CC: Well, not the most epic ep ever, but it did contain Ron-Ron's priceless wisdom about sending someone a picture of his dick and some gum and "chew on this," which I think is advice for the ages that we should all put to use when the situation, not be confused with The Situation, calls for it. Unless The Situation calls for it as well, because we should all probably do whatever The Situation tells us to do, lest it escalate into a situation.
JB: Pauly D's customized Italian flag Technics gear had me beating up the beat.
> Jersey Shore latest ep
> CC: Some points are obvious: Flintstone toe, zoo creatures, the utter ridiculousness of anybody, EVER, trying to pick a fight with Ron-Ron because what the fuck do you think is gonna happen, do you think you're gonna win that thing, cuz you're not. So I would like to focus on a more subtle issue: what the hell is up with Danny? That's their boss/landlord's name, right? Is he a real guy? Is he an actor they hired for the show? What IS that? I don't understand it. Does he work for MTV? He can't *actually* own that store, can he? Somebody please explain before my head explodes.
JB: "Gym. Tanning. Laundry. That's how they make the guido."
"Did you really just call me a stumpy bastard?"
"You don't even look Italian!"
"I didn't want to bring home any zoo creatures, these broads probably smelled the food at the house." The Boardwalk Brawl! Ron-Ron & Sammi continues to be the greatest love story ever told (or, at least, better than Leap Year). Vinny's never-ending family. Vinny being freaked-out that The Situation's sister--The Sisuation!!!-- has his face. The Grenade & The Hippo! Once again, The Situation gets no ass. I'm exhausted. (No vacation respite either: when I was home, The Times of London was covering the show. International ramifications!)

> CC: Eh. Except for that digital short. I pretty much loved that digital short. I actually kind of TOTALLY loved Alicia Keys in it. Side note: saw her perform during a WGA strike rally a few years back. It was pretty cool, but HOW MUCH COOLER WOULD IT HAVE BEEN HAD EMPIRE STATE OF MIND EXISTED AT THE TIME?!! I also truly enjoy watching Kenan crack up the other dudes in the scared straight sketch (I feel like it never used to happen and now it *always* happens), and wonder how bruised up they get because the manhandling actually looks pretty violent.
JB: Don;t know much about Charles Barkley. Don't know how Lorne Michaels was persuaded to deviate from his only-trending-hosts-familart to tweens host booking policy. Don't care that he had the cue cards stapled to his eyeballs. Don't care that he cracked up. Very watchable guy. Did Kenan look different to you. Lost some weight in the face? Work done? Hmm... Triple-pronged Keys triumph. That first Prince-song-in-every-way-except-actually-being-a Prince-song was damn good. Co-sign on the digital short. And that New York song? Still gets me. I remember she played for the striking writers but I think I might have given up my picket line duties at that point. They involved three things I have problems with: Outside, Other People and Slogan Chanting.

Friday Night Lights

JB:I'm sure Jesse Plemons is happy to be in steady employment during these times of economic uncertainty but, seriously, has a character ever been fucked with as repeatedly and ineptly as Landry? Forget Season 2, just tell me: why is he still playing football? He wasn't when the show started. He was the misfit outsider in the sports-obsessed small town. That was a great part. People--ie:me--related to that part. But now Tyra's gone, Saracen's gone, he's at a different school. He shouldn't still be playing. He's not even good. I barely know what sport is and I recognize he's no good. The girl who plays Becky isn't much of an actress so she's probably crazy into Riggins in real life. Best part of this week: Buddy Garrity as radio color man.
CC: Aaaaa! I haven't seen this yet. I made sure not to read what you wrote, lest spoilers. *runs away*

Celebrity Rehab

JB: This is the Ocean's Eleven of vomit-spattered washed-up celebrities confronting repressed child abuse memory shows. Dennis Rodman! Heidi Fleiss! Tom Sizemore! Someone from Alice In Chains whose attempt at shooting up through his buttock went hideously awry. Kari Ann Peniche, from Sex Rehab aka the worst person in the entire world. She's like a skanky-hot Hitler. She's Hotler! Mindy McCready aka country's Courtney Love. Plus an ex ANTM-er and an ex-Real World-er. Dr Drew's probably fluffing up pillows for Snooki and The Situation.

Worst Cooks In America

JB: Finally, a reality show I would totally go on. These fish cakes I tried to make last week, I swear it's like I'm caught in the aftermath of a car wreck, I just keep playing it over and over in my head: "What went wrong? It was so simple, two eggs, tin of salmon, chop up some onion... I can still taste it. The horror." The cast on this Food Network show seemed to be on my level of incompetence. But their first task was to make bok choi. There would have been bed-shitting if someone had told me to make bok choi. And yet, at least half of these so-called kitchen retards performed with flying colors. I smell a fix. Or at least I would, if I still had my sense of smell.

Best Thing I Ever Ate
CC: While we're on the food network, I'd like to take some time to register a rare complaint about this show, which mostly rocks because it's just a bunch of people waxing super-poetic about things they like to eat and then showing those things in beautiful HD, which, I mean, I'll fucking look at an HD blueberry pancake all goddamn day, but this latest episode was about hometown favorites, and BULLSHIT, because Giada DeLaurentiis claims that Umami Burger is her hometown favorite, which is ridiculous because a) she basically said she's not from LA, so why is she picking an LA joint and b) Umami Burger has been open for five seconds. Ergo, there is no way this can be the comfort food from her childhood. Case closed. Take your sweaterboobs and get the hell off my-- wait, I just found out she's married to a guy who designs for Anthropologie. I LOVE ANTHROPOLOGIE. I take back everything I said.
JB: Todd. His name's Todd. Her lovely daughter is Jade. Her Aunt Raffi who occasionally shows up and undermines Giada for going to culinary school rather than sweating over the family stove produced Blue Velvet, Manhunter and Dune. I'm kind of into Giada...

> Dollhouse
> CC: I don't think I'm smart enough to fully grasp everything that went on here, but I'm certainly yelly enough to have yelled at the TV during all the yell-at-the-TV moments, of which there were many. Boyd and Amy Acker? Amy Acker blowing off Summer Glau's head? BOYD AT THE END? Crrraziness. Also, and obviously this has been done about zillion times in a zillion ways by a zillion shows/movies/whatever, but I don't care, that thing with Topher gesturing behind Bennett as Olivia Williams was talking and then doing that lame sort of pointing maneuver made me laugh.
JB: Bennet! Fuck! What? Saunders! Fuck! What? Boyd!! Fuck!! What?? My two new favorite words in the English language: end date. I'm no hardcore Lost fan but if it's final season even approaches this level of insanity, I'll be satisfied.

So UK Think You Can Dance (not actually called that)

JB: I didn't think I could sit through more auditions, more choreography, more boot camp, more cuts, more tears, more hugs and the final, nail-biting selection of the finalists but luckily the BBC version did it all in ONE WEEK! The first couple of the Top 14 was kicked out this week which means there's only five shows left. Normally I love short British seasons as much as I love end dates but getting to know people is sometimes tough in the three-month US version, it's impossible in this one. From what I could tell from the blur of dreamers desperate to give their all, this is a really not-great selection culled from a not very big pool. Here's probably the best couple. Don't expect Russell and Kathyrn.

CC: Wow. I bet that girl is pissed they made her dance with an albino. By the way, if anybody had issues with the choreographers giving Jakob non sequitur jetes all the time, wait till you get a load of this guy doing a backflip for no reason in the middle of a foxtrot. Jesus. I don't get this channel so this is the first I'm seeing of any of this show, so give me a minute while I watch the other youtubes on the sidebar. *watches* Yeah, okay, nobody is allowed to do "Why" except for Ivan and Allison. This just makes me long for the ridonkulousness that is SYTYCD Canada, where the hip hop numbers mean balls and vaginas being grabbed, and Blake McGrath made some kid lick a girl's thigh-high boot and then stripped her to her bra and panties.

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