Monday, January 18, 2010

I Have A Dream That One Day All TV Clubs Will Be Created Equal

Here it is. You're welcome. (Also available to view and enjoy at

American Idol
JB:I can't stand Kara. She's like your friend's loud friend who you don't really know but who is so insecure about not being part of the conversation or missing private jokes that she shouts over everyone all the time in a desperate attempt to ensure attention is always on her. Plus she really displayed her judgey credentials when she stared into Posh's dead dead eyes and said, "I like you. You have nice energy." I've heard a million times from a million different sources about Posh's deliciously dry sense of humor. Never comes across. Apart from that bit when she said "I know what it's like to sing your heart out".The entire first episode had such a low sob story/ freak show to actual talent ratio that they might as well have shoved a Countdown To X-Factor clock at the bottom of the screen. And then the next day in Atlanta of the best audition episodes in Idol history! It had Pants on The Floor! It had Meth Face Bridge Jumper! It had Guitar Girl! It had the Fuck You guy who wouldn't stop singing! It had Mary J Blige! Always keep the camera on Mary, she's hilarious! Sometime in, like, 2013, after Idol has been steamrolled by X-Factor--which it will be: Paula Abdul will rise like a prescription-medicated Dark Phoenix-- they ought to snap her up as a full-time judge.
CC: I'm out. Well, unless someone tells me that the second coming of Kelly Clarkson has arrived. And I might watch Hollywood week if I remember, because group meltdowns are always hilarious. Otherwise, Ellen + Kara - Simon (cuz you know he ain't gonna be there nearly as much) = *deprograms DVR*


JB:If there's one character who needs his own Angelus-like evil alter ago, it's this guy. I barely have a thimbleful of testosterone to my name and I think he's a giant pussy.

Jersey Shore

JB: Have you noticed how you can't hear someone say the words `the situation' without immediately thinking about...well, you know. And at totally inappropriate times: "The situation in Haiti is horrifying." It's been appropriated. The Situation is the new Gay! Highlight this week was Snooki saying to the guy she thought owned a farm: "You look at me, you think I'm like a stuck-up bitch. Vetenarian, that's my zone. I save animals, that's what I do. I've been with goats sheep cows horses. I delivered a freakin' calf from a cow." I know Snookin For Love is probably a done deal but if anyone at Animal Planet has their eye on the ball, make Guidette Vet happen!
Lowlight: WHY did the Israeli girl have to turn out to be a stalker? I had zero sympathy for outraged Italians who complain they're being shown in a demeaning light but when she showed up on the boardwalk with that I Heart Jewish Girls t-shirt and the klezmer music started blaring in the background, I was straight on the phone to the Anti-Defamation League.
CC: Okay, obviously Ron-Ron is a nice guy and a sweetheart and he was provoked and it was self-defense, but...I know people who've been punched like that, and you can DIE if that happens to you, so it's kind of like, well, yeah, of course they had to take him to jail. Other than that, as usual, all points are obvious, so let me take this time to tip ye olde cap to the GENIUSES of editing that are putting this all together. Because they *are* geniuses, no less. Repeatedly cutting to the other people eating as Pauly D was talking to Israeli stalker? That whole sequence with Snooki dragging that guy upstairs and being barely coherent and then the Situation leaving with his girl and the girl falling down? Classic. There is no denser show, entertainment-wise, minute by minute, than this. By the way, I would be happy to live my whole life the way Sammi was living that argument amongst the four guys, just rolled up in a blanket and chiming in every once in a while and then re-rolling back to the side.

Friday Night Lights

JB: Didn't care about much that happened this week. Becky getting knocked by Luke might have mattered more if we'd seen them together longer than six seconds. Julie getting over Saracen with the Habitat for Humanity guy. Turning on the lights at Carroll Park. Less than compelling.
This episode also featured maybe the most memorable moment in FNL history. When Glen cornered Coach Taylor and delivered his cringey confession about locking lips with Tami?
Kyle Chandler's reaction? WAS INCREDIBLE! He went from manic headscratching to disbelieving laughter to extreme discomfort to veiled threats in a matter of seconds. If I knew how such things were done, I'd loop that scene and make it my avatar.
CC: Less than compelling? Apparently I could not disagree more. Because oh my god. OH MY GOD. I can't, this show will have one week, like last week, where it's clear they're just sort of setting stuff up, and then BOOM! THIS WEEK! Holy shit. Julie hooking up with Habitat for Humanity guy? What?! (What's with the near-albinos lately, by the way? I'm referring to SUKTYCD, which, now that I've typed it out as an acronym, is hilarious.) What's-her-face being pregnant? What? GLEN TELLING COACH HE KISSED MRS. COACH WHAT ARE YOU AN IDIOT GLEN OH MY GOD, GLEN, GLEN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GLEN! And Coach's reaction in the moment, and even better, Mrs. Coach's reaction to his bringing it up later, and the way that whole scene between them played out, and the later scenes, all that TRUST that's evident between those two? My god. Marriage porn at its FINEST. ITS FINEST! Don't even get me started on Coach asking that kid to come play for him next year, or how much I want barbecue after any scene involving Ray's Bar-B-Q, or Buddy Garrity fucking the lesbian mayor before she was lesbian (WHAT! WHAT! AND WHAT, AGAIN!) Gold. I know, I know, I say this practically every week, but pure gold. It's the little moments, too, like Riggins just repeatedly pounding on the door and saying he could do it all day. ARGH. Everyone responsible for this show should be killed and their brains sucked out and studied.


JB: Ah, poetic comeuppance for Boyd. Which didn't really have much impact because we didn't have enough time with him revealed as the Big Bad to root for his poetic downfall. The last few weeks have seen some pretty exciting and believable fight sequences. The big showdown between Echo and Saunders/ Clyde was...not one of them. Also, Echo outruns an oncoming wall of fire and not even Topher snarks about it? Loved the reprise of Enver Gjokaj's Greatest Hit and can sources confirm that he and Dechen Lichman are an actual couple?

CC: The thing I love about Joss Whedon shows is that the fight scenes are just so aggressively "here come the body doubles!" that you can't help but just sit back and enjoy the whole spectacle of it and marvel when particularly egregious shots of "okay, that was clearly a different guy" or "Sarah Michelle Gellar's biceps do *not* look like that" happen. Kinda the same thing here-- loved the shot of Echo doing whatever that, like, "jump up with my one leg bent back while I totally wreck Amy Acker" move was. Also, that Boyd ending was perfect. Also, Dichen Lachman totally tweeted that Enver was with her in Australia for New Year's, so I choose to believe that they indeed may be together in real life, which would be AWESOME. Victor/Sierra almost rivals Coach/Mrs. Coach. Yeah, I said it.

Being Human

JB: The American version of this highly Whedonesque BBC show about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost who set up house together and try to live normal lives, debuts on Syfy, I think, this summer. The acting won't be as good. The writing might not veer quite as drastically from the mundane --the vampire arguing with the werewolf about who ate the last chocolate filling biscuit with the squishy orange filling-- to the apocalyptic. But the US version might have a few more pennies spent on it. There were two werewolf transformations in the first ep of Season 2 last week. If the previous season is anything to go by, that's the entire werewolf budget used up.


JB: That opening sketch was the best thing people who work at NBC could come up with? This Laser Cats confirms my belief that Samberg & Co should not try to get another feature off the ground. They should do a Kentucky Fried Movie-type collection of shorts. I'd go! Was that Abby Elliott doing Meryl Streep? (The three new girls are interchangeable)If so, I say: more, please!
And nice going, The Ting Tings, summoning up that amount of energy for the same songs they've been playing for something like three years.
CC: I liked Hot Rod. *shrug* Yep, that was Abby Elliott. I particularly enjoyed the thing where she was describing Meryl's clothes, because I swear, if I read the words "chunky necklace" in one more fashion magazine, I'm going to crush somebody's skull with a chunky necklace.

Project Runway
CC: Within the first five seconds you already knew this was gonna be better than the entirety of last season. I felt like I was on drugs during judging-- I thought for SURE they were gonna send that asian fob chick home, because she's clearly insane and they were giving her the insanity edit, but then they LIKED her...smock? She basically sent a snuggie down the runway! What? Oh well. And you know black gay guy ain't going anywhere for a while, one word out of his mouth alone was more entertaining than all of last season's soundbites put together, if last season even had any soundbites, which I don't think it did.
JB:You know what really saved Ping Woo? Nicole Richie, looking like she'd just come back from scaring someone to death in The Grudge, saying "I would wear that." And wearing if not that, something sacklike she could burrow inside.

Models of the Runway
CC: That bitchy runway model coach was hilarious. They should send her to Jersey Shore and watch her head explode as she tries to make heads or tails of Snooks drunkenly platform-heeling down the boardwalk. I would watch both Snookin for Love and Guidette Vet, by the way. Bigtime.
JB:Loved the model class clown who piped up "I've walked four thousand five hundred and one shows!" Her life must be an endless procession of blank looks and "I don't get it"s. Also, excellent example of model-upmanship with the two musically inclined girls. Before one of them could even begin strumming, the other launched into a fully composed and arranged quirky indie chick-type composition. And, lest we forget, there's a white witch in the model house which, if it isn't a sitcom on the CW by the time I've finished typing this then...I don't even know. I don't even know.

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