Monday, January 25, 2010

TV Club:Epic Proportions!

Yup, it's a big one. (That's what she said!) Dig in both here and at :

Project Runway

CC: I loved this challenge! Almost everything was cute. You know, except for Ping Wu's Asstravaganza. But other than that, there were so many things I would totally wear! Except for Ping Wu's Asstravaganza. Plus, we got some boob pixelation. That's always fun. We also got Ping Wu's Asstravaganza.
JB: Ping Wu is on some Bai Ling I-am-merely-visiting-your-world-your-ways-are-strange-and-frightening-to-me bullshit. Potato party?

Models of the Runway

CC: Is it me or is the model apartment decorated with those giant stickers that come in $20 packs that you just slap up on the wall like girly versions of fatheads? Way to spend some money, Lifetime. I kind of love the divide growing between the younger models who are so psyched to be there and the older ones who are just over it already. I also kind of love that Sophia is a total bitch while having the world's most enviable skin. If she and Ping ever get into a crazy-asian-off, I will tell you right now that it will be my favorite episode. (For proof that this could actually occur, please check Sophia's week 1 video blog on the Lifetime website wherein she expresses disdain for Ping's weird "do a dance on the catwalk" request, which I agree is totally wtf unless you're Coco Rocha from whoever's runway that was however many years ago that was.) And of all people it had to be the girl with the fucked up knee? Poor Elizaveta! Hope you heal up good; we hardly knew ye but you seemed super sweet.

JB: Team Dinosaur! I like when models don't even attempt to hide their complete contempt for modeling (Exhibit A: Elyse Sewell, still in my Reality Show Hall Of Fame). Watching Sophia, to me, is like looking in a mirror (except for the many ways in which it isn't). Refuses to mingle. Doesn't like to smile. Has to be told to speak. I haven't experienced such an emotional connection to a TV show contestant since Kenley. Quote of the night : "Our personalities are very black and white"- Crazy Eyes Alexis on her relief she wasn't paired with gay, black cliche Anthony.

American Idol
JB: Hard to choose the best performance from these auditions. Was it `I've got asthma' or `My son's autistic' or "One side of my face is frozen' or "I blew the Hollywood auditions last year' or "My dad left home' or 'I did four years hard time for robbing a bank with a BB gun"? Listen, you whining bitches, remember David Cook? Winner from a few seasons ago? Specialist in non-exciting guitar-based rock-like music? David Cook's brother had brain cancer. HE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT. Even, in one of Idol's most disgraceful moments, when Seacrest basically begged him to.
Worse than the wall-to-wall sob stories? Kara's `look at me, look me' meets Kristin Chenoweth's 'how adorable am I?' and forms a Vortex of Shit.

Friday Night Lights
JB: I'm guessing you haven't watched this yet, so spoilers begin in:
Seriously was not expecting that. I think Becky is the first character to go through with an abortion on a (semi) network show in over thirty years. I've given Madison Burge shit in previous weeks but she sold her big scene with Tami where she went through her options and then came to the realization that she couldn't raise a child. I've given the character of Tami Taylor even more shit for being a saint but Connie Britton really shone: you could see `what if it was my daughter? what if it had been me?' questions forming in her eyes. And, in an unexpected Dillon/Whedonverse crossover, our ever-increasing series on excellent real-life coupes flying under the radar continues with Adrianne Palicki and Alan Tudyk.

Life Unexpected
JB: Here's me ten minutes into the Gilmore Girls pilot back in 1987 or whenever it was: "Fuck this shit." Here's me six years later:" Damn you for making me belatedly like you, show! Now I've got to Netflix six seasons worth of sledgehammer cuteness, obscure pop culture references and Jewish WASP envy." So I'm not about to make that mistake with Life Unexpected which is a total old-time WB snark'n'sob show with an old-time WB cast. True to form, my flesh literally crawled off my body for the first half-hour. Hated the slacker douche (tm CC) and the commitment-phobe morning DJ who reunite when the product of their one and only highschool hookup returns to haunt them in the form of a snotty, judgemental orphan who needs their signatures so she can emancipate herself from the family who, justifiably, loathe her. Then the second half-hour...the slacker douche and the orphan bond over You Tube videos of lions and pandas. The morning DJ and the orphan cancel out each other's more objectionable qualities...I'm going to say that A) I'm a sap and B) I liked this enough to watch again. btw, the orphan is played by an actress called Britt Robertson. I noticed another girl called Britt in the cast. Is Britt suddenly The New Name the way Aubrey became The New Name a few years ago?

CC: Same. It was very much "oh, this might be too sappy for my busted, cynical, rather-be-watching-Chuck-Bass-do-something-assholic heart," and then at other moments I was like "fuck, I'm gonna end up getting sucked into this." Like, I'm simultaneously unsold and yet half-sold on everything that happened. I *will* say that bar owner and morning radio talk show host are fake jobs, like architect and greeting card writer. I even KNOW people who've actually held those jobs but they are still fake jobs.

Best Thing I Ever Ate

CC: This week they talked about cheese. Which, being asian, I didn't really grow up stuffing my face with, so this was not my fave episode ever. Some of the closeup shots of bubbling, oily melted cheese were actually kinda gross. And Giada went with another LA restaurant that made me instantly suspicious because she opened with a schpiel about the chef telling her it was his grandma's recipe and how she was totally sold as soon as he said that, which, great, but I mean, just cuz a guy owns a restaurant and uses his grandma's lasagna recipe doesn't *guarantee* it's good, because what if his grandma sucked at cooking? She probably didn't because the restaurant's still in business, but maybe wait to taste the thing first before you prematurely go all nuts over it, right, Giada? Just a thought. Thanks for buttoning up your shirt pretty high though.
JB: If Giada says the grandma's recipe is good, it's good. End of. She's kind of like the perfect woman to me. It's not just the boobs (although a little bit). I find her to be very aspirational. I just bought quinoa from Whole Foods on her say-so. It tastes like the inside of a cushion. But if Giada says it's good, it's good.

JB: As unnecessary prequels go, this was better than Dumber and Dumberer, Hannibal Rising and The Phantom Menace put together(although I'd like to see them put together). Lots of big ideas being tossed around about religion and terrorism and science and the spiritual and moral decline of a society numbed by mindless entertainment. But what resonated with me the most? In the future, they have PAPER COMPUTERS! You can just crumple them up and shove them in your pocket. My desire for the iPad or whatever it's called? Decreased.

Celebrity Rehab
JB: Mackenzie Phillips and Mindy McCready are sharing a room. They get into the addict dick-measuring thing of "What's the drunkest you've ever been?". Mindy McCready is like "One time I got so drunk..." Mid-sentence, she freezes. She starts shaking and drooling. Mackenzie Phillips screams with laughter":That's so true. That's what it's like!" Mindy McCready tumbles on to the floor and goes into violent convulsions. Mackenzie Phillips is clapping her hands and howling "Yes!" Mindy McCready keeps twitching and shuddering. Mackenzie Phillips yuks it up for at least another minute before she realizes her room-mate is having a seizure. If Mackenzie Phillips could so radically misinterpret a situation, maybe her father was just looking for his keys...
CC: I don't even watch this show but I feel like I just did. Thank you, JB. Thank you

Jersey Shore

CC: Please note that 29 minutes in, The Situation totally picked up his drink with his pinkie finger sticking way the fuck out. I don't even know what to do with that. I did know what to do with his hot tub makeout session with Snooki, which was use my hand to intermittently cover parts of the screen, lest I go blind, not unlike when you stare at a solar eclipse (you think you can do it, but no, you can't do it). The reunion show was awesome, by the way. I am CLINGING to the hope (and assumption) that Sammi and Ronnie had a big fight after the show and then promptly made up again, as is their m.o. They BETTER have. My heart will break if they didn't. By the that the season's over...NOW WHAT? WHAT ARE WE ALL SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, MTV? GODDAMMIT! YOU CREATED US, NOW YOU HAVE FORSAKEN US! Seriously. Life will never be the same. Thursday nights shone a whole lot brighter for a few too-short weeks, and now? They just got a whole lot darker. *sob*

JB: That scene with Snooki doing her I-don't-need-men-I'll-dance-on-the-boardwalk-by-myself thing: absolutely tragic. Had I any technical know-how, I would re-score it with `Everybody Hurts' or `Mad World' to bring out the pathos. I'm a little split on the reunion show. I enjoyed the waves of resentment radiating off Angelina but the Sammi/Ronnie meltdown had some of the stink of that scripted Speidi bullshit about it. I don't doubt very second of Jersey Shore is artfully choreographed and edited but the reason it's a quillion times better than The Hills is that it never comes off that way. It always seem like the insanity is unfolding in front of us like a rare and precious flower. When the Latina autocue-bot said `we have some unaired footage' and Sammi froze up, I don't know, I had a suspension of disbelief problem. But, yes, big hole in our lives.

Pit Boss
JB: Did I ever tell you about my reality show idea? Haunted Cake Shop. It's obviously going to be very popular because the cable schedules are filled to bursting with shows about cakes and shows about ghosts, so. Someone at Animal Planet is obviously thinking along the same lines: What else is popular? Lost dogs and little people. So let's do a show about Shortywood productions: a real-life pit-bull rescue service entirely owned and operated by dwarves. I guess they ran into legal problems and couldn't go with the obvious title Little People, Big Dogs. Pit Boss isn't nearly as good but the show itself is everything you could imagine-- company boss Shorty Rossi lives on a boat, has a body covered in prison tats, smokes a cigar and wears a pork pie hat-- and more.

Spartacus: Blood & Sand
JB: I'm not saying two jacked-up 15 year-olds who thought 300 was way too slow and arty made this on their MacBook Pro. But that's how it seems. CGI blood and fake boobs are squirting and bouncing all over the place. Naked gladiators scream `Die, Thracian cunt!' as they dismember each other. There's multiple decapitations. There's multiple dearmitations and delegitations. There's even multiple deSTUMPitations. I'm not sure what I just watched but...*picks up remote control, presses Record Series*
CC: Fuck me. I need to get Starz.

So UK Think You Can Dance
JB: Tyce Diorio+ hopelessly weeping judges=
CC: Oh no. Not again. And albino guy is no Ade. Come on. Really? Blah. By the way, if you watch the other videos to the right, please note the hilariously lame freeze the guy does at one point in the hip-hop routine. I thought the contemporary with the raggedy blue outfits was cute though. And while we're on the subject of this show, I totally met Travis Wall last night. I am trying very hard to write this in a chill manner even though my heart is going "SQUEEEEE!!!!" He was super, super nice. That is all I'm going to say. Please note heart goes squee but fingers are typing chill. BUT HEART GOES SQUEEEE. Stopping now before this turns into eight pages of ecstatically rehashing everything he has ever done, ever, cuz I could do it. But I won't subject you to it. Squee.

US Figure Skating Exhibition Show (oh yeah, i'm going there)
CC: Well, Belbin & Agosto are no Mark & Chelsie, but if you set some dance-ish thing to Bleeding Love, will I watch it and enjoy it? Yes. Odds are, yes. Also, that little 10-year-old asian kid who did Peter & the Wolf and is throwing down at the 2018 Olympics is just about the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. Fuck your older hockey-playing brothers, Nathan, you just keep doing what you're doing! Mirai Nagasu wuz robbed during the competition, by the way. And Johnny Weir was the Adam Lambert of ice skating before Adam Lambert even existed. Bless his Lady Gaga heart...and face paint...and sparkly silver gloves...and designer sunglasses collection...and oh yeah he apparently has his own reality show.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I Have A Dream That One Day All TV Clubs Will Be Created Equal

Here it is. You're welcome. (Also available to view and enjoy at

American Idol
JB:I can't stand Kara. She's like your friend's loud friend who you don't really know but who is so insecure about not being part of the conversation or missing private jokes that she shouts over everyone all the time in a desperate attempt to ensure attention is always on her. Plus she really displayed her judgey credentials when she stared into Posh's dead dead eyes and said, "I like you. You have nice energy." I've heard a million times from a million different sources about Posh's deliciously dry sense of humor. Never comes across. Apart from that bit when she said "I know what it's like to sing your heart out".The entire first episode had such a low sob story/ freak show to actual talent ratio that they might as well have shoved a Countdown To X-Factor clock at the bottom of the screen. And then the next day in Atlanta of the best audition episodes in Idol history! It had Pants on The Floor! It had Meth Face Bridge Jumper! It had Guitar Girl! It had the Fuck You guy who wouldn't stop singing! It had Mary J Blige! Always keep the camera on Mary, she's hilarious! Sometime in, like, 2013, after Idol has been steamrolled by X-Factor--which it will be: Paula Abdul will rise like a prescription-medicated Dark Phoenix-- they ought to snap her up as a full-time judge.
CC: I'm out. Well, unless someone tells me that the second coming of Kelly Clarkson has arrived. And I might watch Hollywood week if I remember, because group meltdowns are always hilarious. Otherwise, Ellen + Kara - Simon (cuz you know he ain't gonna be there nearly as much) = *deprograms DVR*


JB:If there's one character who needs his own Angelus-like evil alter ago, it's this guy. I barely have a thimbleful of testosterone to my name and I think he's a giant pussy.

Jersey Shore

JB: Have you noticed how you can't hear someone say the words `the situation' without immediately thinking about...well, you know. And at totally inappropriate times: "The situation in Haiti is horrifying." It's been appropriated. The Situation is the new Gay! Highlight this week was Snooki saying to the guy she thought owned a farm: "You look at me, you think I'm like a stuck-up bitch. Vetenarian, that's my zone. I save animals, that's what I do. I've been with goats sheep cows horses. I delivered a freakin' calf from a cow." I know Snookin For Love is probably a done deal but if anyone at Animal Planet has their eye on the ball, make Guidette Vet happen!
Lowlight: WHY did the Israeli girl have to turn out to be a stalker? I had zero sympathy for outraged Italians who complain they're being shown in a demeaning light but when she showed up on the boardwalk with that I Heart Jewish Girls t-shirt and the klezmer music started blaring in the background, I was straight on the phone to the Anti-Defamation League.
CC: Okay, obviously Ron-Ron is a nice guy and a sweetheart and he was provoked and it was self-defense, but...I know people who've been punched like that, and you can DIE if that happens to you, so it's kind of like, well, yeah, of course they had to take him to jail. Other than that, as usual, all points are obvious, so let me take this time to tip ye olde cap to the GENIUSES of editing that are putting this all together. Because they *are* geniuses, no less. Repeatedly cutting to the other people eating as Pauly D was talking to Israeli stalker? That whole sequence with Snooki dragging that guy upstairs and being barely coherent and then the Situation leaving with his girl and the girl falling down? Classic. There is no denser show, entertainment-wise, minute by minute, than this. By the way, I would be happy to live my whole life the way Sammi was living that argument amongst the four guys, just rolled up in a blanket and chiming in every once in a while and then re-rolling back to the side.

Friday Night Lights

JB: Didn't care about much that happened this week. Becky getting knocked by Luke might have mattered more if we'd seen them together longer than six seconds. Julie getting over Saracen with the Habitat for Humanity guy. Turning on the lights at Carroll Park. Less than compelling.
This episode also featured maybe the most memorable moment in FNL history. When Glen cornered Coach Taylor and delivered his cringey confession about locking lips with Tami?
Kyle Chandler's reaction? WAS INCREDIBLE! He went from manic headscratching to disbelieving laughter to extreme discomfort to veiled threats in a matter of seconds. If I knew how such things were done, I'd loop that scene and make it my avatar.
CC: Less than compelling? Apparently I could not disagree more. Because oh my god. OH MY GOD. I can't, this show will have one week, like last week, where it's clear they're just sort of setting stuff up, and then BOOM! THIS WEEK! Holy shit. Julie hooking up with Habitat for Humanity guy? What?! (What's with the near-albinos lately, by the way? I'm referring to SUKTYCD, which, now that I've typed it out as an acronym, is hilarious.) What's-her-face being pregnant? What? GLEN TELLING COACH HE KISSED MRS. COACH WHAT ARE YOU AN IDIOT GLEN OH MY GOD, GLEN, GLEN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GLEN! And Coach's reaction in the moment, and even better, Mrs. Coach's reaction to his bringing it up later, and the way that whole scene between them played out, and the later scenes, all that TRUST that's evident between those two? My god. Marriage porn at its FINEST. ITS FINEST! Don't even get me started on Coach asking that kid to come play for him next year, or how much I want barbecue after any scene involving Ray's Bar-B-Q, or Buddy Garrity fucking the lesbian mayor before she was lesbian (WHAT! WHAT! AND WHAT, AGAIN!) Gold. I know, I know, I say this practically every week, but pure gold. It's the little moments, too, like Riggins just repeatedly pounding on the door and saying he could do it all day. ARGH. Everyone responsible for this show should be killed and their brains sucked out and studied.


JB: Ah, poetic comeuppance for Boyd. Which didn't really have much impact because we didn't have enough time with him revealed as the Big Bad to root for his poetic downfall. The last few weeks have seen some pretty exciting and believable fight sequences. The big showdown between Echo and Saunders/ Clyde was...not one of them. Also, Echo outruns an oncoming wall of fire and not even Topher snarks about it? Loved the reprise of Enver Gjokaj's Greatest Hit and can sources confirm that he and Dechen Lichman are an actual couple?

CC: The thing I love about Joss Whedon shows is that the fight scenes are just so aggressively "here come the body doubles!" that you can't help but just sit back and enjoy the whole spectacle of it and marvel when particularly egregious shots of "okay, that was clearly a different guy" or "Sarah Michelle Gellar's biceps do *not* look like that" happen. Kinda the same thing here-- loved the shot of Echo doing whatever that, like, "jump up with my one leg bent back while I totally wreck Amy Acker" move was. Also, that Boyd ending was perfect. Also, Dichen Lachman totally tweeted that Enver was with her in Australia for New Year's, so I choose to believe that they indeed may be together in real life, which would be AWESOME. Victor/Sierra almost rivals Coach/Mrs. Coach. Yeah, I said it.

Being Human

JB: The American version of this highly Whedonesque BBC show about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost who set up house together and try to live normal lives, debuts on Syfy, I think, this summer. The acting won't be as good. The writing might not veer quite as drastically from the mundane --the vampire arguing with the werewolf about who ate the last chocolate filling biscuit with the squishy orange filling-- to the apocalyptic. But the US version might have a few more pennies spent on it. There were two werewolf transformations in the first ep of Season 2 last week. If the previous season is anything to go by, that's the entire werewolf budget used up.


JB: That opening sketch was the best thing people who work at NBC could come up with? This Laser Cats confirms my belief that Samberg & Co should not try to get another feature off the ground. They should do a Kentucky Fried Movie-type collection of shorts. I'd go! Was that Abby Elliott doing Meryl Streep? (The three new girls are interchangeable)If so, I say: more, please!
And nice going, The Ting Tings, summoning up that amount of energy for the same songs they've been playing for something like three years.
CC: I liked Hot Rod. *shrug* Yep, that was Abby Elliott. I particularly enjoyed the thing where she was describing Meryl's clothes, because I swear, if I read the words "chunky necklace" in one more fashion magazine, I'm going to crush somebody's skull with a chunky necklace.

Project Runway
CC: Within the first five seconds you already knew this was gonna be better than the entirety of last season. I felt like I was on drugs during judging-- I thought for SURE they were gonna send that asian fob chick home, because she's clearly insane and they were giving her the insanity edit, but then they LIKED her...smock? She basically sent a snuggie down the runway! What? Oh well. And you know black gay guy ain't going anywhere for a while, one word out of his mouth alone was more entertaining than all of last season's soundbites put together, if last season even had any soundbites, which I don't think it did.
JB:You know what really saved Ping Woo? Nicole Richie, looking like she'd just come back from scaring someone to death in The Grudge, saying "I would wear that." And wearing if not that, something sacklike she could burrow inside.

Models of the Runway
CC: That bitchy runway model coach was hilarious. They should send her to Jersey Shore and watch her head explode as she tries to make heads or tails of Snooks drunkenly platform-heeling down the boardwalk. I would watch both Snookin for Love and Guidette Vet, by the way. Bigtime.
JB:Loved the model class clown who piped up "I've walked four thousand five hundred and one shows!" Her life must be an endless procession of blank looks and "I don't get it"s. Also, excellent example of model-upmanship with the two musically inclined girls. Before one of them could even begin strumming, the other launched into a fully composed and arranged quirky indie chick-type composition. And, lest we forget, there's a white witch in the model house which, if it isn't a sitcom on the CW by the time I've finished typing this then...I don't even know. I don't even know.

The Heat Is Still (Sort Of) On!

Yes, somewhere out there, Hottie is still picking up favorable reviews!

Thanks Lizzy!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

No Box Office Mojo

Now, family movie audiences of America? You choose now to get good taste?

*clears throat*

Enjoy the rest of the long weekend.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Move Over Avatar!

The Spy Next Door opens tomorrow! Don't miss the family movie that earned Rotten Tomatoes coveted OO rating!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

TV Club 2010: The Year We Make Contact

New Year. New shows. New TV Club. Same column but with a blue background at

> Jersey Shore from 2 eps ago
> CC: Well, not the most epic ep ever, but it did contain Ron-Ron's priceless wisdom about sending someone a picture of his dick and some gum and "chew on this," which I think is advice for the ages that we should all put to use when the situation, not be confused with The Situation, calls for it. Unless The Situation calls for it as well, because we should all probably do whatever The Situation tells us to do, lest it escalate into a situation.
JB: Pauly D's customized Italian flag Technics gear had me beating up the beat.
> Jersey Shore latest ep
> CC: Some points are obvious: Flintstone toe, zoo creatures, the utter ridiculousness of anybody, EVER, trying to pick a fight with Ron-Ron because what the fuck do you think is gonna happen, do you think you're gonna win that thing, cuz you're not. So I would like to focus on a more subtle issue: what the hell is up with Danny? That's their boss/landlord's name, right? Is he a real guy? Is he an actor they hired for the show? What IS that? I don't understand it. Does he work for MTV? He can't *actually* own that store, can he? Somebody please explain before my head explodes.
JB: "Gym. Tanning. Laundry. That's how they make the guido."
"Did you really just call me a stumpy bastard?"
"You don't even look Italian!"
"I didn't want to bring home any zoo creatures, these broads probably smelled the food at the house." The Boardwalk Brawl! Ron-Ron & Sammi continues to be the greatest love story ever told (or, at least, better than Leap Year). Vinny's never-ending family. Vinny being freaked-out that The Situation's sister--The Sisuation!!!-- has his face. The Grenade & The Hippo! Once again, The Situation gets no ass. I'm exhausted. (No vacation respite either: when I was home, The Times of London was covering the show. International ramifications!)

> CC: Eh. Except for that digital short. I pretty much loved that digital short. I actually kind of TOTALLY loved Alicia Keys in it. Side note: saw her perform during a WGA strike rally a few years back. It was pretty cool, but HOW MUCH COOLER WOULD IT HAVE BEEN HAD EMPIRE STATE OF MIND EXISTED AT THE TIME?!! I also truly enjoy watching Kenan crack up the other dudes in the scared straight sketch (I feel like it never used to happen and now it *always* happens), and wonder how bruised up they get because the manhandling actually looks pretty violent.
JB: Don;t know much about Charles Barkley. Don't know how Lorne Michaels was persuaded to deviate from his only-trending-hosts-familart to tweens host booking policy. Don't care that he had the cue cards stapled to his eyeballs. Don't care that he cracked up. Very watchable guy. Did Kenan look different to you. Lost some weight in the face? Work done? Hmm... Triple-pronged Keys triumph. That first Prince-song-in-every-way-except-actually-being-a Prince-song was damn good. Co-sign on the digital short. And that New York song? Still gets me. I remember she played for the striking writers but I think I might have given up my picket line duties at that point. They involved three things I have problems with: Outside, Other People and Slogan Chanting.

Friday Night Lights

JB:I'm sure Jesse Plemons is happy to be in steady employment during these times of economic uncertainty but, seriously, has a character ever been fucked with as repeatedly and ineptly as Landry? Forget Season 2, just tell me: why is he still playing football? He wasn't when the show started. He was the misfit outsider in the sports-obsessed small town. That was a great part. People--ie:me--related to that part. But now Tyra's gone, Saracen's gone, he's at a different school. He shouldn't still be playing. He's not even good. I barely know what sport is and I recognize he's no good. The girl who plays Becky isn't much of an actress so she's probably crazy into Riggins in real life. Best part of this week: Buddy Garrity as radio color man.
CC: Aaaaa! I haven't seen this yet. I made sure not to read what you wrote, lest spoilers. *runs away*

Celebrity Rehab

JB: This is the Ocean's Eleven of vomit-spattered washed-up celebrities confronting repressed child abuse memory shows. Dennis Rodman! Heidi Fleiss! Tom Sizemore! Someone from Alice In Chains whose attempt at shooting up through his buttock went hideously awry. Kari Ann Peniche, from Sex Rehab aka the worst person in the entire world. She's like a skanky-hot Hitler. She's Hotler! Mindy McCready aka country's Courtney Love. Plus an ex ANTM-er and an ex-Real World-er. Dr Drew's probably fluffing up pillows for Snooki and The Situation.

Worst Cooks In America

JB: Finally, a reality show I would totally go on. These fish cakes I tried to make last week, I swear it's like I'm caught in the aftermath of a car wreck, I just keep playing it over and over in my head: "What went wrong? It was so simple, two eggs, tin of salmon, chop up some onion... I can still taste it. The horror." The cast on this Food Network show seemed to be on my level of incompetence. But their first task was to make bok choi. There would have been bed-shitting if someone had told me to make bok choi. And yet, at least half of these so-called kitchen retards performed with flying colors. I smell a fix. Or at least I would, if I still had my sense of smell.

Best Thing I Ever Ate
CC: While we're on the food network, I'd like to take some time to register a rare complaint about this show, which mostly rocks because it's just a bunch of people waxing super-poetic about things they like to eat and then showing those things in beautiful HD, which, I mean, I'll fucking look at an HD blueberry pancake all goddamn day, but this latest episode was about hometown favorites, and BULLSHIT, because Giada DeLaurentiis claims that Umami Burger is her hometown favorite, which is ridiculous because a) she basically said she's not from LA, so why is she picking an LA joint and b) Umami Burger has been open for five seconds. Ergo, there is no way this can be the comfort food from her childhood. Case closed. Take your sweaterboobs and get the hell off my-- wait, I just found out she's married to a guy who designs for Anthropologie. I LOVE ANTHROPOLOGIE. I take back everything I said.
JB: Todd. His name's Todd. Her lovely daughter is Jade. Her Aunt Raffi who occasionally shows up and undermines Giada for going to culinary school rather than sweating over the family stove produced Blue Velvet, Manhunter and Dune. I'm kind of into Giada...

> Dollhouse
> CC: I don't think I'm smart enough to fully grasp everything that went on here, but I'm certainly yelly enough to have yelled at the TV during all the yell-at-the-TV moments, of which there were many. Boyd and Amy Acker? Amy Acker blowing off Summer Glau's head? BOYD AT THE END? Crrraziness. Also, and obviously this has been done about zillion times in a zillion ways by a zillion shows/movies/whatever, but I don't care, that thing with Topher gesturing behind Bennett as Olivia Williams was talking and then doing that lame sort of pointing maneuver made me laugh.
JB: Bennet! Fuck! What? Saunders! Fuck! What? Boyd!! Fuck!! What?? My two new favorite words in the English language: end date. I'm no hardcore Lost fan but if it's final season even approaches this level of insanity, I'll be satisfied.

So UK Think You Can Dance (not actually called that)

JB: I didn't think I could sit through more auditions, more choreography, more boot camp, more cuts, more tears, more hugs and the final, nail-biting selection of the finalists but luckily the BBC version did it all in ONE WEEK! The first couple of the Top 14 was kicked out this week which means there's only five shows left. Normally I love short British seasons as much as I love end dates but getting to know people is sometimes tough in the three-month US version, it's impossible in this one. From what I could tell from the blur of dreamers desperate to give their all, this is a really not-great selection culled from a not very big pool. Here's probably the best couple. Don't expect Russell and Kathyrn.

CC: Wow. I bet that girl is pissed they made her dance with an albino. By the way, if anybody had issues with the choreographers giving Jakob non sequitur jetes all the time, wait till you get a load of this guy doing a backflip for no reason in the middle of a foxtrot. Jesus. I don't get this channel so this is the first I'm seeing of any of this show, so give me a minute while I watch the other youtubes on the sidebar. *watches* Yeah, okay, nobody is allowed to do "Why" except for Ivan and Allison. This just makes me long for the ridonkulousness that is SYTYCD Canada, where the hip hop numbers mean balls and vaginas being grabbed, and Blake McGrath made some kid lick a girl's thigh-high boot and then stripped her to her bra and panties.