Monday, December 13, 2010

TV Club Has A Cold! least this half does. The healthier half is at


CC: "I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff." Rarely do I go
quoteable on this show, but this? From the mouth of Harry Shum? So
meta it's beautiful, and beautiful even if it weren't meta. And I'm a
person who has zero problem with Channing Tatum being in stuff.
JB: Every episode of Glee is already a Christmas episode.

The Sing-Off
CC: Well the high school kids failed and got rightfully booted, then
the Whiffs were actually really good and got wrongfully booted. Boo.
Not okay. Especially when the sellouts and the vocal jazz nonsense
people are still around. But I guess none of it matters since
Committed is totally winning this whole thing, which we already knew,
but which was aggressively reconfirmed because once again with the
blatant pimping (nobody else keeps getting cuts to the judges going
ballistic while they're singing). And they're singing I Want It That
Way next? PUH. LEEZE. Just tell me where I can buy the album
already and let's all move on.
JB:The Whiffenpoofs already have the world on a plate. Don't waste a second of sympathy on these privileged elitists. So says the disgruntled alumnus of Glasgow College of Technology. If we've learned one thing from TV talent shows, it's this: the journey is everything. Yes, Committed probably has it all sewn up, but don't count out the oldsters. Staying power. Inspirational. Also, the judges totally empathize with the crushed rock star dreams of the Southern singer with the high keening voice. Redemption. Second chance. Just saying.

Top Chef All-Stars
CC: Jen wuz robbed.

Vampire Diaries
CC: Okay, the scenes with Caroline watching over Tyler as he wolfed
out were, like, totally NOT warm and fuzzy but somehow they were also
warm and fuzzy, because my god! The caring! The friendship! The
genuine worry about how he was doing and the horror of seeing him go
through the pain! It was like gender-flipped childbirth. With more
chains. Or maybe less chains or the same amount of chains, I don't
know, it's a crazy world out there and maybe that's how some moms
JB: Shout-out to Vampire Diaries B-Team! Candice Accola and--I IMDB'd him!-- Michael Trevino have got themselves a storyline. Wolfnephew, in particular, sold the shit out of his big we-don't-have-an-FX-budget--so-this-is-all-on-you transformation moment. As of right now, I'm way less invested in the moonstone shenanigans as I am in knowing how Tyler/Caroline plays out. They're best friends but they're mortal enemies. And rarely-seen nice guy Matt has yet to find out the truth about his girlfriend and his best bud.(Question: is Aunt Jenna now surpassing Joyce Summers in protracted obliviousness?)

CC: I did this thing of I started watching it, and then halfway
through I had to pause and go do something and then I forgot that I
hadn't watched the whole thing and erased it. Whoops. Took them long
enough to explain that frickin' computer chatting program, by the way.
We've only been wondering what the FUCK is up with that thing since
the beginning of the season. Did anyone else find it totally
distracting that at one point Nikita and Alex were both wearing
basically the same magenta-ish lip color and had the same verrry
narrow dark blond highlights? Just me? Okay. The lip color is
seriously distracting though. I've noticed it previously on Alex.
I'm not making this up. It is in no way a neutral. I don't know what
the makeup department is thinking. Nobody's putting that color on
just to walk around in their sweatpants in their ubersecret deadly
assassin training facility. Nobody!
JB: Did not register the lip color. Except that I found myself thinking a few times, ` Are they gonna kiss?' (They're in a high pressure situation. It's not unheard of). Maggie Q's big "She's loose!" scene with the chains was potentially iconic and cut away from way too prematurely. Her rampage through Division was absurd and badass and I could have watched it for an hour. Robin Givens is still acting? Did not know that.

CC: Tiny harmonica solo!
JB: I have watched approximately eight thousand hours of X Factor and Idol and I don't think I've ever seen people as oblivious to how horribly they're singing as Paul McCartney and his band. I have watched Bill Hader play approximately eight thousand characters and Stefon is the only one he can't get through without cracking up. And wouldn't this have been a good week to bring The Miley Cyrus Show back?

Friday Night Lights
JB: Everyone's suffering because of this humiliating storyline about Julie Taylor sleeping with her married TA. Julie's suffering because Mrs TA whacked her in the face in front of the school causing her to run home and refuse to go back. The Taylors are suffering because their glowing self-image as perfect nurturers just took a dent. How can they be the immaculate parents they think they are if they raised such a nitwit? The team's suffering because Coach is so bent out of shape he misses delivering his send-out speech(Billy Riggins--unsung hero of this season! steps in and KILLS! )The show suffers because they get the coach to the game with seconds to spare, giving him just enough time to tell his guys "How you play tonight is who you are for the rest of your lives" AND THEN WE DON'T SEE THE GAME! The next scene is the victory celebration! The suffering is about to continue with Vince's ex-con dad who beat up a drug dealer for hassling his boy. No problem with that. But once he'd kicked the shit out of the guy, Vince's dad took away his gun. Guns and Friday Night Lights are not a good fit.

X Factor
JB: The Final! The winner--not a surprise to anyone but Simon Cowell who was convinced his boy band were set to take the crown and threw quite a sulk when they lost-- was a girly-voiced housepainter called Matt Cardle who seems set to join the ranks of Kris Allen, Lee DeWyze and last year's already-forgotten winner as male singers beloved by women who have no intention of ever buying their records. Here's Matt's celebrity duet. Be glad you're not watching this in 3D otherwise you'd run the risk of a detached retina from his boner:

And here's the runner-up who has a shot at a career if she does more stuff like this and less of the snoozy ballads she did on every other show:

Movie Club

Black Swan
CC: This shit was awesome and makes me very much want to go slowly,
dramatically mad, or just lose a lot of weight so I can look amazing
in multiple layers of body-skimming sweats/tanks/shrugs made of very
cozy-looking, soft materials.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Monday, December 6, 2010

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like TV Club!

What happens in TV Club here, also happens in TV Club at

CC: UNLEASH HEATHER MORRIS! She is a caged beast, UNLEASH HER! Well they sort of did, thank god, during Valerie, but all the rest of the time, you can just see her practically jumping out of her skin wanting to do better choreography, it's like all that aggressive dance talent is just simmering below the surface, except it's not simmering, it's boiling over the whole time, because they NEED TO GIVE HER MORE TO DO but anyway, I didn't like that Train song and of course, now I like that Train song, thanks to the Dalton Academy guys who actually DO A CAPPELLA UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS SHOW. Argh. Is what I say. Yet again.
JB: Unleash Naya Rivera, too. Was that really her first solo in a season-and-a-half? She's got the most commercial voice out of any of them. Do not unleash Dianna Agron and Chord Overstreet. Jesus Christ, I thought the Black Eyed Peas took a shit on Time Of My Life. And why was that deemed sectionals-worthy and not Dog Days Are Over which, whatever your Florence stance, is a showstopper? I don't buy the blondes as a couple, either. In fact, I don't buy any of the couples as couples. Not Brittany and Artie. Not the Asians. Not Finn and Rachel. Kurt and Rachel, I buy them. We almost made it through an entire episode without a Glory of Kurt moment. Then they unveiled the Kurt as molting Dalton warbler metaphor at the end.

Vampire Diaries
CC: Will my fellow Jeremy/Bonnie 'shippers please join me in a rousing rendition of "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Come on, show. Let's do this. Let's make this happen so I can watch it happen. By the way, why can't Katherine just bite Jeremy's finger off with the ring on it and then kill him? She cut off Uncle John's finger with a knife and then stabbed him, can't she bite off Jeremy's ring finger? Anybody? Just me?
JB: Did the witch and the warlock have weather-sex? I think they did! Can I say something about the moonstone? It would be good if it glowed or floated or changed colors or did SOMETHING to merit the massive investment we're having to make in its mystic properties. Because right now? It's not very impressive. Also not impressive: Bonnie the witch's screechy version of Only Happy When It Rains.

The Sing-Off
CC: This is my new favorite show (shut up, it's winter TV doldrums right now) and I am about to say many things. It's much better than it was last year. I love when people get genuinely excited about their competition, and it totally happened twice tonight, when the blue Oregon guys were losing it over the young black guys during Maroon 5 (and who wouldn't...those guys are gonna win the whole thing unless the Glee fan contingent puts the high school group ahead of them, plus they almost killed Boyz II Men judge), and then when the teal people from LA, that guy in the middle, was totally doing the "wwhhhaaattt" hands-on-head thing during Apologize. Did anyone else think it was totally cheating for the teal LA people to totally Frankenstein together a group JUST for the purpose of this show, including people who had BEEN ON BEFORE? Did anyone else think there was literally a ZERO percent chance that the southern guys were gonna sing anything OTHER than Hey Soul Sister for the next episode? Was it me or did most of the Seattle people have, like, that confusing thing where they might be 14 or they might be 40 or maybe it was just that one person? And how terrible was Nick Lachey's outfit? AND HOW AWESOME IS BEN FOLDS? HE IS THE MOST OF AWESOME!!! Him ripping on the cymbals thing and then demonstrating it was possibly the best part of the whole show. Other than, of course, the young black guys (because there were also old black guys, who are fine and cute in their own way, but this show belongs to the young black guys). I had something to say about the groups who got booted but whatever, they're booted, I already forgot what it was.

CC: If this show could make me care as much about the non-Nikita scenes as I do about the Nikita ones, we'd be in good shape. For instance, I found the revelation that Nikita works out at 3 in the morning at some pool in New Jersey WAY more interesting than Alex's entire subplot this week. I can't tell you what said subplot was because during those scenes I was too busy trying to calculate whether it's possible for me to watch every single episode of Battlestar Galactica during my winter break. It is.
JB:The pre-credits narration is getting longer and more complicated every week. We now have THREE shadowy organizations.. We've got Division. We've got the one they unveiled a couple of weeks ago. And now we've got Oversight. We also have the recurring plot about the seven black boxes which is both vitally important and not worth mentioning from week to week. But honestly? As long as I see Nikita getting in wet towel fights at Newark Community Center, I don't care.

The Walking Dead
CC: Oh my god, I can't believe they Lost in Translationed us! And we had to wait until the very end for any skull-crunching zombie action! Boo! BOO! *starts counting minutes till show comes back*
JB: Sometimes when I watch this show, I feel like an Amish teen on Rumspringa. I absolutely accepted that cast member Laurie Holden would sacrifice herself in the CDC blast and the black lady whose name we do not know and who had barely uttered a word make a break for freedom.

Friday Night Lights
JB: I do not play sports. I do not watch sports. I know nothing about sports. After this away-game episode, I wanted to be part of a team. Any team. There was a scene before the big game. The Coach is sitting out on his hotel balcony. A few feet away, four of the Lions are hanging out, joking, talking about the game, telling stories. They don't know he's there, listening. The scene doesn't go anywhere, doesn't add to the story. But it lasts for three, maybe four minutes and when it's over, you think, what other show would do that? Even if you don't like you like Friday Night Lights, if you don't like football, if you don't like PEOPLE, the camaraderie on display here was just undeniable. (After they won the game, the team celebrated by branding each other with hot pieces of bent wire. And even THAT was heartwarming!) This was an absolute, all time Top 5 episode, almost but not entirely marred by the Season Two-level embarrassment of the Julie Taylor: Adultress plot.

JB: I'm looking forward to Little Fockers about as much as I want to hear that new Diddy Dirty Money album.

JB: It started with a decapitation. It ended with a disintegration. In between, there were multiple stabbings, rape jokes, angels getting boners watching motel room porn, naked demon torture, invisible hellhounds and incest gags. Return to form!
CC: I...may have to start watching this show.

X Factor
JB: The semi finals. Of all the hundreds of thousands of Bruno Mars-affiliated songs this year, I have one favorite and while this young person attempted to slaughter it, she left some life in the corpse:
Just when it looked like Rihanna's wounds had all healed, she gets clobbered again:
And this happened:

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

TV Club Is On Thin Ice!

There's nothing you can read here that you can't also read at
JB: Bullying is this show's vervain. You can't get away from it. And how does Glee define bullying? Failure to properly celebrate The GloryOf Kurt. Which is something Ryan Murphy is not guilty of. Kurt's dad's wedding vows? An apology to Kurt. Finn's wedding speech? Another apology to Kurt plus a dance. The Glee club's petty differences? Forgotten in the face of having Kurt's back. Even the nightmarish Carol Burnett storyline ended up with an anti-bullying speech reminding us that Kurt might not have been onscreen but his Glory was still being celebrated.
CC: My jaw literally dropped with how bad the sound production was in this (again, watched only the songs). A very wise fellow viewer mentioned that the thing they do to everyone's voices (I'm talking about that ridiculous wedding number) is the equivalent of the Barbara Walters camera. Difference? Walters needed it. THESE KIDS DON'T. They can sing! Let them fucking SING! Argh. (Bruno Mars is a genius, by the way...I thought "Just the Way You Are" was the most pandering song ever in the history of man, but that "Marry You" song is also his? Good lord. Give him all the money in the world, he's taken James Blunt's lady-trapping key-word-hitting game and hulked it out into some of the most catchy-ass tunes ever.) So, once again, my best Glee experience this week has been the ACTUAL a cappella number featured in the below youtube (I'm on record as being thoroughly sick of the reaction shots, but Puck's here is gold), and I don't even LIKE this song:

JB: Bruno Mars wrote Cee-Lo's Fuck You. So he's working both sides of the pandering equation.
CC: OMG WHAT?! WHAT! WHAT! He's a genius! He's a fucking genius! Cee Lo was totally at my work today, by the way.
The Walking Dead
JB: Some shows go through entire seasons without amassing as many highlights as this single episode managed. The blonde survivor waiting for her sister to revive then shooting her in the head. The beaten-up wife slamming a pickaxe into the skull of her dead zombie husband.Shane the cheating deputy being tempted to shoot Sheriff Rick. The bitten guy left at the roadside to die. The lone scientist. The white light as the doors of CDC open. I'm fully committed to The Walking Dead but most of the post-pilot episodes had a `Yeah, this character stuff kind of drags but but bear with us cuz there's zombies and gore on the way' vibe. Not this one. This had a `See, almost a whole hour went by without a single zombie and you didn't even notice' vibe.
CC: Remember in The Notebook when Ryan Gosling goes "I love you" and Rachel McAdams takes a long pause before saying it back? You know how in Rocky Horror they do that "antici........pation" thing? Blonde lady shooting her sister was the zombie equivalent of that. JUST SHOOT HER SHE'S A ZOMBIE OH MY GOD JUST SHOOT HER ALREADY WHAT IF SHE ENDS UP HAVING LIKE REALLY FAST REFLEXES FOR A ZOMBIE DON'T LEAN IN JUST SHOOT HER AAAAAA!!!! Tension created? In spades. Thanks, show,I love you and I hate you for it.
Skating With The Stars
JB: I vaguely remember Fox trying something like this a few years ago.Lasted one season. Ended with Kristy Swanson double-axeling off into the sunset with her married partner. But a British version has been going strong for a while now. That's because they know how to do it right. Hire fat people, old people, unsteady people and a judge who has no problem telling a female athlete dressed in brown she looks like shit circling the drain. I FF'd through most of Skating W/TheStars but I still saw enough to know they took a different approach.First, there's only six(6) skaters. I know it's a short season but that's not enough to decide who you like, who you hate, who you like to hate, who's comic relief and who you don't care about. Second,no-one's fat or old. Third, the judges. I've seen Boomkack on other shows. She's crazy. She's a screamer and a shoe-thrower. Here she's telling Sean Young what a privilege it is to meet her. And Johnny Weir! Johnny Weir tells people he LIKES they look like shit circling the drain. But not this version. This version applauds Vince Neil for his courage. Fourth, the host. I've heard Americans complaining they can't understand Vernon Kay's northern English accent. I'm from Scotland, a mere stone's throw from where he lives. I follow maybe every fourth syllable.
JB:Mary-Louise Parker needs to quit acting because she's never going to get another part as good as the one she's got here. I always forget Weeds is still on. Then I find another season of it taking up DVR space. The last few years, I've gone to get rid of it, checked out a couple of episodes and stuck around for the whole thing. I never bother watching when it's actually showing because I still think Weeds is about a suburban mom who becomes a pot dealer. I keep forgetting they blew up that whole premise. Parker's character married a Mexican druglord last year. Then her psycho son killed his mistress with a croquet mallet. In the season I just watched, she's shooting people with crossbows, having angry sex with Mark-Paul Gosselaar and fucking up the lives of everyone she meets. And even when she's tied up in the trunk of a car next to the body of the journalist she got killed, she still does this doe-eyed, mussy-haired thing like she's not sure if she's in a dream sequence. I look forward to forgetting all about her and rediscovering her show this time next year.
X Factor
JB: Rock Week. You know what that means:

End of the road for that dude. But nothing can stop these kids:

Jabbawockeez at the Monte Carlo
CC: I saw this live show in Vegas. It was, of COURSE, fucking awesome. All the bits you love and remember from their ABDC performances, plus all sorts of new, equally as awesome or even more so, stuff. I sat slackjawed and leaning forward in pure happiness the whole time. So nice to see these guys reaping tons and tons of well-deserved rewards. Afterwards we were walking around the casino and I randomly saw Victor from Quest Crew. You know he was totally hangin' with the Wockeez that weekend. And in fact you DO know cuz I checked twitter and that's exactly what they said.

Monday, November 22, 2010

TV Club. Now On iTunes. (Not Really)

Read the wholesome version here. Read the even more wholesome version at

JB: All across America, the same question was asked, "Why did we ever
think Gwyneth Paltrow was an asshole?" As much fun as she was here,
wait till her stupid-looking country movie opens for a reminder.
Finally, they came up with a way to de-douche Schue: put him in scenes
with his crazy clingy ex. He seems almost human and sympathetic.
Except that there's no reason for her to exist on the show anymore.
Worst moment: the bully who kissed Kurt telling him, "I'm going to
kill you if you tell anybody". That wasn't foreshadowing. That was
CC: Okay, everyone I know is saying Gwyneth was really good on this,
and I suspect everyone is talking about the acting scenes, which of
course I did not watch, but obviously I watched the musical numbers
and I'm sorry, that woman cannot dance and therefore was a giant pain
in the eyeball to me. She was even worse than I thought she would be!
She looked like a lumbering horse up there! And I WANTED to like the
Umbrella mashup at the end. I've got very good memories of Harry Shum
dancing in the rain at the end of Step Up 2. But this? Yikes. Thank
god for the bright spots of Heather Morris whenever she showed up
onscreen; you could let your eyes go totally out of focus and still
know which one she was, she hits so much sharper and cleaner than
everybody else.

JB: Anne Hathaway is the Paltrow we like. I am hereby authorized by my
homeland to give the Royal Engagement sketch two thumbs of approval.
And Katie Holmes! There will be Scientology repercussions. Quick word
about this Jay Pharoah. He's something SNL hasn't had in a long time:
a cast member who could turn into a star. He's also something they
haven't has in even longer: a black cast member who could turn into a
star. It's a joke that he doesn't get to do his dead-on Obama because
someone who doesn't do an dead-on Obama and has to put on brown-face
was there first. But they need to find better way to showcase him
impressions than putting him on Weekend Update with an act he probably
did on open mic night at the comedy club. And he needs to stop wearing
t-shirts with his face on them.
CC: Agreed on the impressions showcase; the premise of that was sooo
shoehorned in. They shoulda just owned it, or stuck him in that last
sketch, which I had no hopes for when they kicked off with Wiig as
Cranberries, like, how busted is that, but then it provided me with my
biggest laugh of the entire night when Samberg showed up as Robert
Smith. I absolutely cracked up. It was just so ridiculous, by that
point in the show and after everything else that had already happened
(this week was waaay better than last week). Also great, Sudeikis's
little smile at the end of his Adam Lambert. Also totally
rewatchable? Bobby Moynihan as Guy Fieri. Shut up. I've seen Guy
Fieri on many a Food Network show and I don't know that I've ever
heard him mention raisins, ever, or even do ridiculous wordplay, but
goshdarnit, that damn segment worked for me.

Friday Night Lights
JB: Banner week for the supporting cast. Buddy Garrity Jr comes back
to Dillon, mocks his dad's abandoned showroom, calls the school a
mental hospital, openly admires Tami Taylor's rack, steals Buddy Sr's
truck and credit card. Plus he commits the cardinal sin on this show:
he thinks football's stupid. While Mrs Coach fails to make any
progress rehabilitating Epyck( that's right, Epyck. Not Epic), Mindy
Riggins out-Tami's her. That is correct, Billy Riggin's ex-stripper
wife totally came through for Becky, saving her from having to go back
under the same roof as her rotten dad and stepmom. The Riggins
decency: it's buried deep but it's always there.

JB: Maybe ten people are watching this show. Eleven if you count me. I
don't even know if I would attempt to recommend it to anyone. I just
know why I like it. It's a little bit The Rockford Files, a little bit
The Last Boy Scout and a little bit Chinatown. It's a detective show
in the same way Friday Night Lights is a football show. I'll even take
that a bit further: you know how, pre-FNL, Kyle Chandler was always
cast as the blend handsome guy? Terriers takes Donal Logue who was
always cast as the doughy slob and says, Yeah, he's that but why can't
he be the smart guy and action guy and the heartbroken guy and the
funny guy and the self-sabotaging drunk guy and the screw-up who's
trying to redeem himself? No reason at all, is the response from me
and the other ten in the audience.

The Walking Dead
JB: Question: why don't the living people call the walking dead
zombies? Why would they call them walkers? They've all seen zombie
movies. They know what zombies are. Why make up a new term? Especially
one that sounds like it was created so as not offend them. You can
offend them. They're zombies.
CC: Seriously! That's all I want to yell, all the time, during this
show: "Aaaa! MORE ZOMBIES!" And I actually thought the societal
shenanigans were interesting this week, but again? When the zombies
showed up at the end and just fucking ate half the people? God, this
show rocks. There's gonna be a weird, hollow window in my life when
this ends and I've still got six weeks before Spartacus begins, but
maybe I'll, like, read or something.

X Factor
JB: John Lennon was shot. George Harrison was stabbed. Paul McCartney
married Heather Mills. But nothing The Beatles (Now on iTunes.)
endured in the past was as bad as the treatment they received at the
hands of the X Factor finalists. This was the BEST performance of the
CC: Oh my god! This was great! So terrible! I love it! A boy band
so completely awash in formulaicness that you can't even complain, you
totally gotta give them credit! They've got one of everybody! Well,
no, they've got two Biebers, plus Seth Cohen from The OC's heyday and
a gay-brother-from-Gossip-Girl-ish guy and then the one sliiightly
manlier guy with the earring that the sliiightly older preteens can go
for, but my god! They've built the perfect little terrifying machine!
Aaaaa! Speaking of which, did you see NKOTBSB on the AMAs? Yikes.
And I don't even really mean that in a bad way since of course all the
tunes they did in their medley were super memorable and catchy to this
day yeah I said it.
JB: I did watch it. And I had a couple of thoughts: BSB songs are slightly less embarrassing to perform as adults. NKOTB could probably kick their asses if it comes down to a fight. Which it will.

And now...the first, and possibly last, installment of YA Book Club!

Dash & Lily's Book Of Dares by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan
JB: We have TV Club. Rachel Cohn and David Levithan have their
she-writes-one-chapter-he-writes-the-next series of similarly-themed
bast-sellers. So obviously we come out ahead in that deal. I'm using
sarcasm to mask my seething professional jealousy. But there's no
point hating Cohn/Levithan's brand of indie/quirky boy/girl books.
They're genetically designed to win you over in the end. This one
didn't even have to wait to the end to get me. It's about a pair of
quirky(check), indie(check) Manhattan teens alone in Manhattan at
Christmas. Okay, stop right there. Quirky teens. Alone. Manhattan.
Christmas. I didn't even have to read the book. I've been three of
these things. My head is already filled with bittersweet imagery. But
Cohn/Levithan have more than just their emotive time and place.Just
like Nick and Norah's missing band and Naomi and Ely's no-kiss list,
Dash and Lily has/ have a gimmick. She embeds a Molsekine notebook in
an obscure shelf deep in the bowels of Manhattan's fabled Strand
bookstore. (The Strand! I'm welling up again.) The chances someone
will find it are minimal. The chances that the someone who finds it
will open it and be intrigued by the challenge to crack the literary
clue scrawled inside are even minimaler. But, of course, someone does.
And responds with a challenge of his own. And so on to the
post-Christmas happy ending. This duo churn out inventive and charming
books and they've hit on a formula that probably won't run out of gas
any time soon. And I'm sure David Leventhal was amusing himself when
he wrote the scene where the sixteen year-old heterosexual male
character celebrates having his parents' empty house to himself by
stripping off all his clothes and dancing around to his mother's Mamma
Mia CD.

Movie Club

Shutter Island
CC: I'm trying to figure out how the fuck I live in a world where
this movie made gazillions of dollars and Scott Pilgrim made much less
than gazillions of dollars.

CC: Okay, you know how Lost in Translation wasn't so much a movie as
a vibe? This was even less of a movie and more of a vibe. I didn't
know it was possible. I didn't even not like it, it's just that the
script for this thing must've been about four pages long. Nothing

Friday, November 19, 2010

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Don't Shoot Me, I'm Only The TV Club!

See if anything gets lost in translation between here and

Did I like Teenage Dream as sung by all those dudes doing dorky dance
moves because that's ACTUALLY WHAT A CAPPELLA IS? Yes. I liked it a
lot. I liked it a super lot! Watched several times! Have been
listening on the internet repeatedly! I liked Artie and Puck's song,
too. But the mashup sequel? No thank you. And no, I didn't watch
any of the rest of the show except for part of the
Puck/Santana/Artie/Heather Morris double date, because you know, just
in case Heather Morris said something funny (she didn't in the part
that I saw). Oh well. Oh, also I saw Harry Shum and Tina making out
on a table. Eh. Is it me or do they have zero chemistry as a couple?
I'd rather watch Tina and Artie. I'd rather watch Harry Shum and
JB: Oh, you didn't watch the rest of the non-singing stuff?( and the
Puck & Artie white reggae bullshit didn't make you want to shoot
yourself in the face?) Well, allow me to fill in the blanks. The
message to the gay bullied youth of America is: don't worry, you will
get an imaginary boyfriend and your tormentors will all turn out to
secretly be gay. Also, it's wrong to even think mean thoughts about
the 40 year old virgin football coach who looks like a dude. That's
right, Glee's other message is that thinking is wrong. "That's the
opposite of what we do here," said Schue. About thinking. He also said
"And now you've been kissed" to the now-apparently-beloved Coach Dude
after planting a pity slobber on her which instantly soared to the top
of the long, long list of Schue's Douchiest Moments.
CC: THAT'S what the rest of the episode was about? Jesus. Well, I'd
be remiss if I didn't point out that I had a similar line about the
main character's first kiss in my book She's So Money, which was
written in 2006 and is also much better than whatever the fuck
happened here because it was a cute high school girl instead of a
monster and a hot high school guy instead of Mr. Schue who is also a
monster, and also it wasn't a pity thing, and was actually part of a
story that oh, I don't know, MAKES SENSE. Yeah, I said it. My book >
Glee. Ryan Murphy can laugh himself all the way to the bank, and he
is, and I clearly am not, but these are still facts.

Gossip Girl
CC: Blah blah blah takedowns blah blah hate sex blah blah MACAROONS!
What flavor is green? Pistachio maybe? I hope not mint. But either
way, I was very, VERY interested in the macaroons Blair kept eating,
so in lieu of commentary on the show (except for how much I loved that
casual tossed-off line re: Blair's exhibitionist tendencies), I'll
tell you where to get tasty macaroons in LA: La Provence. Try the
salted caramel. You're welcome.

CC: That ScarJo's a great host, but the whole thing was
just lackluster (like for instance, not that Weekend Update had the
funniest jokes ever or anything, but the audience just did not seem to
be buying what anybody was selling, like, aggressively not buying it).
Bill Hader does the best dancing in that talk show thing. And the
Unstoppable thing was funny, although when does the Denzel goodwill
run out?
JB: Scarlett did her Brooklyny/ New Jersey accent nine times plus she
had kind of a Someone's Mom vibe about her (I think it was the hair).
The Denzel love does not run out for at least six more episodes ( but
the Kanye needs work). I got caught in a comedy torture bear trap with
Kenan's broken knee sketch. It wasn't funny but the anticipation of
his "LEAVE ME BE!" close-up killed me.

Friday Night Lights
JB: Vince Howard had a fantastic episode. The Coach had a pretty good
episode. Mrs Coach had an okay episode. Baby Coach had a great
episode(They keep catching lightning in a bottle with whichever group
of twins or triplets are playing that kid. Mrs Coach was trying to get
The Coach to do something he didn't want to do which we and he both
knew he was gonna do, she turned to the toddler and said said 'Tell
daddy to think about it'' and the kid SCREAMED "THINK ABOUT IT
DADDY!!!" Adorable!) Teenage Daughter Coach had a terrible episode. I
trust the writers on FNL a lot--except for the season we do not
mention-- but they have no idea what to do with Julie Taylor. The
character's story is over but they've still got the actress for the
remaining episodes so let's follow her to college and have her sleep
with her married TA.

Vampire Diaries
CC: I'll tell you what will surprise me the most on this show: if
they ever have a witch who isn't black. That's as good a rule as any,
I guess, but come on, like you didn't totally KNOW that new kid was
gonna be warlocky trouble, and yes, I'm biased cuz somehow I've
suddenly turned into a Bonnie/Jeremy 'shipper. The show leadeth me
down a path and I, with my no brain cells, happily follow.
JB: Elena. Katherine. Katerina. Bulgarian. English. Dobrev is like a
skinny Klumps. I'm an enjoyer of the sporadic When Vampire Harry Met
Vampire Sally thing with Stefan and Caroline. And the snark-romance
between Damon and Vampire Alexa Chung( that actress was Supernatural's
original Condescending Untrustworthy Bitch). Starbucks Vampire was
pathetic but that was probably the point. I fear the oversell of
Klause The Original Vampire. Unless it's Dobrev playing a guy. Which
she could.

JB:Wait, did they just try and introduce an comic relief character and
act like he'd been around for the entire series? I think they did!
Right at the start, some cackling nerd appears on a screen in her car
and Nikita does this kind of weary/ affectionate, "Hello Henry" like
she's acknowledging the weekly appearance of a beloved eccentric.
That's right: after an episode largely devoted to filling in Shane
West's backstory-- his wife and daughter were killed by an
Uzbeckistani terrorist he thought was his friend! He loves Nikita! And
he hates her!--I'm still thinking about the 30 second appearance of
the comedy nerd.
CC: How completely useless was that B-story? I just do not care
about anything that happens inside that damn building when we've got
Nikita running around in more outfits and kicking more ass. Lyndsy
Fonseca registered more on my radar during her five minutes in Hot Tub
Time Machine (yeah, I just saw that) than she ever does on this show.
(Also in Hot Tub Time Machine? Don Draper's secretary/fiancee's naked
boobs. And a delightfully anachronistic Lizzy Caplan. This has been
commentary on TV Club-related casting choices in a movie, instead of
actually doing Movie Club.)

JB: I think I've managed to grasp the arcs of the last few seasons:
we've got to save dad, we've got to save Dean The Lunkhead Brother
from going to Hell, we've got to stop the war between the demons and
the angels. This year-- and there's a big chunk to go so this could
all change-- the story seems to be: We've got to get Sam The Sensitive
Brother his soul back so we have to work for the wise-cracking Cockney
dude who claims to be the King Of Hell. He wants us to locate and
capture the original version of every monster known to man so he can
discover the caption of Purgatory and turn it into a new branch of
Hell. I might have got that wrong. I hope I got that wrong.

The Walking Dead
CC: I totally called the guy cutting off his arm (like, not even this
week, last week). Although I bet everybody did, but the way they
revealed it was still totally sweet. The gore in this show continues
to be the best thing-- I could stare at, and get grossed out by, those
zombie effects all day long. I totally understand that what some
people find interesting about this show is all the in-fighting and
societal stuff that happens when apocalypse occurs but everybody's
still human with flaws and foibles blah blah blah fascinating window
into the fragile nature of group dynamics blah, but for me? The best
part? Gross-ass zombies.
JB: I find I'm a little bit distracted--not from the splatter, more
the microcosm-of-society stuff-- by the actress who plays Sheriff
Rick's inadvertently unfaithful wife. She looks a lot like Kara
DioGuardi. That moment when she saw Sheriff Rick for the first time
and she got that "I am so busted...great to see you!" look on her
face, I was like, Wow, great job, DioGuardi.

The X Factor
JB:Elton John's songs are unsingable. They're in keys that are
impossible to reach. They go from really low to really high, sometimes
in the same syllable. American Idol did an Elton John week a few
years ago. Blood vessels burst. Oxygen tanks were wheeled on to the
stage. Some singers swallowed their own tongues. It was a mess. As was
X-Factor's Elton show. This dude got the boot:

This dude didn't:
Neither did The Most Hated Woman In Britain:

CC: It's stuff like this that makes me rethink my decision to watch
this show when the American version starts.