Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Give Thanks For TV Club!

The war against the machines has started and I'm losing! Three weeks ago, I related the sad story of my iPods expiring and malfunctioning within moments of each other. Last week, both my Powerbooks gave up the ghost. And today the DirecTV guy took my non-responsive DVR away and with it all the backed-up shows I hadn't ever managed to get around to watching. Those Season 3 Gossip Girl marathons? Not gonna happen. Sons Of Anarchy? Will never know if it's as good as they say? No Glee for me. It's a devastating loss but TV Club goes on (and, as ever, this fine feature is also available with no distracting layout issues at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva):
AMAs
CC: I watched this because I'm kind of obsessed with seeing if anybody's backup dancers are former SYTYCD contestants, and lo and behold, at the very end my eyes scoped out Courtney from season 4 dancing for Adam Lambert. Awesome. Was so delighted to see her that I almost didn't revel properly in the ridonkulousness of his performance, which included yanking on someone's vagina chain (who knew there was such a thing?) and then making out with the keyboard player, which all happened so fast I couldn't tell if the keyboard player was male or female, not that it mattered. Also, at one point during the show the camera showed someone who looked like if P. Diddy and Voldemort had a baby. If anybody knows who that was, hook a bitch up. By which I mean, please just tell me who that was, not actually hook me up, because see aforementioned note about Voldemort.
JB: Transgressive! Provocative! Electrifying! Adam Lambert was none of these things. What he was, was hellbent on being inaugurated as Lord Gaga. He flailed through that Big Cock Orgy like he'd just gobbled down two fistfuls of gay Ritalin ( to combat his GayDD!) J.Lo's living her career in reverse like Benjamin Button. Back when we were using dollar bills as Kleenex, she was all "Love Don't Cost A Thing'. Now we're eating day-old peanuts off the street and she's singing about expensive shoes. I'm going to nominate Kid Cudi as MVP solely based on him being the only one in a hallfull of whores with enough backbone to even slightly mock the stupid show.


Next Iron Chef
CC: Thank god Garces won. Mehta had a little too much of a maniacal "I might stab you in the eyeball if the ice cream machine doesn't work again" thing going on. Best quote of the night goes to Michael Symon for "If you're creative and you fail, are you creative or are you a failure?" Also, why does Jeffrey Steingarten have a piece of greenery hanging out of his mouth during EVERY shot of him? He looks like an old-timey cartoon brontosaurus.
JB: I am only dimly aware of this series but I am more brightly aware of the career of Mark Dacascos. I remember he had a shot as a capoiera Van Damme in a couple of big studio action movies. Then he was demoted into the world of low-budget cable kickboxing films. Things looked up when he took over the Brandon Lee role in the syndicated version of "The Crow". They looked down again for a while until his co-starring role in the French martial-arts werewolf art movie Brotherhood of the Wolf made him an actual box-office draw in Europe. And now he's the Chairman in Iron Chef. Which I don't really watch.


Friday Night Lights
CC: I can't even...I can't...this...aaaaagghhh! THIS WAS THE BEST EPISODE IN A LONG TIME. I wanna say EVER cuz I know it's close, but I can't guarantee that, and the only reason I can't is because this show is so fucking good like EVERY SINGLE TIME that it's practically impossible to separate anything out, but it's certainly the best ep so far this season. The gamut of emotions I ran in this ep went from :) to :)))) to :D to :O to *chills* to *more chills* to actual tears. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how these people do it, but I am so fucking glad they are doing it. This show owns me. THIS SHOW OWNS MY ASS. Basically it would be impossible for this show to rape me because I would willingly submit every single time.
JB: I think I'd have to be GHB'd because my attention was wandering during this ep. Except for the last five minutes. And the storyline with the little lesbian (was she in Landry's band at the end of last season? Seems like a different actress.) Oh, and Alicia Witt. The character's supposed to look all weathered and beat-up, right?

SNL

CC: Okay, I may be retroactively un-creaming myself slightly over Taylor Swift again, because THAT is how you host a show. I nearly died during Jack Johnson and the digital short and the triumphant return of What Up With That. I would want to become a celebrity just so I could be the random person sitting in that sketch and saying nothing. I would also like to go back in time and cast Joseph Gordon-Levitt in every single part that January Jones ever had, and that includes Random Skank in Love Actually, Random Bitch in Havana Nights, Willow’s sister in American Pie 3, and the thing Ashton Kutcher was banging ten years ago. Mad props, buddy. He must’ve been on crack when he did that monologue, and I mean that in the best of ways. He should really get together with Montell Jordan, go over to JJ’s house, and sing “This is How We Do It” in her face, but she probably wouldn’t get the reference.

JB: Anything musical worked this week (minus DMB, of course): Make Em Laugh, the Reba short, WUWT, Wilson Phillips breaking the tension at the end of Thanksgiving, Sussudio in Say Anything. I'd hold on to some of those stones you're throwing at the bloodied corpse of January Jones. Blake Lively is the next host. You'll need them...


X-Factor
JB: A nation mourned the end of an era as the Leprechauns O'Doom made their final appearance this week. But something smelled a little fishy about the final performance. Not the Wham! medley in the main show: that was well up to their usual standards. But when they found themselves in the bottom 2 and they had to sing for their lives in front of the judges, THIS happened:
Bear in mind: they're not singers. Singing is not what they do. Their rise to fame did not involve singing. Strong singing voices are not among their talents. I'm not in any danger of laboring the point here, am I? They're not singers and yet they willingly put themselves in that position? I call bullshit. But quietly. Not loud enough to bring them back...
CC: What the FUCK was that? I give myself 5 extra credit points for noticing that the piping color on their jackets was different. Other than that, I continue to be horrified...mystified...terrified... *cue What Up With That music*


VAMPIRE DIARIES
CC: Okay, my mind officially blown: they referenced both SYTYCD and Family Guy in like the first five minutes! HOW DELIGHTFUL! :D This show, by the way, is so much better than I thought it was gonna be (I'm a loyal Buffy fan so I was obligated to be skeptical at the beginning). But it has totally grown on me-- that thing last week where Stefan and Damon were being each other was hilarious.
JB: I will never be bored enough to watch this.


DWTS
CC: I didn't watch the intro segment so no idea if there's an explanatory backstory, but let me unleash my full dance show nerdery here and point out that parts of Dmitry & Mya's final freestyle routine were EXACT RETREADS of steps from Benji and Donyelle's routine to the same song on SYTYCD season 2. That is all. Wait. Mya won, right? No? Donny Osmond won? I never watched him so I forgot he was even on the show. God, remember when Marie Osmond was on the show? Yikes.
JB: Did you see Donyelle on America's Best Dance Crew acting like she was Joan of Arc? What up with that?


SYTYCD
CC: Well, it was better than last week, but still nothing along the lines of what I was feeling at this time during season 4 (loved seeing Katee assisting Tyce!). Legacy and Russell continue to make me smile. Kathryn and Ellenore are quite enjoyable. I really liked Sonya's first routine, I thought the can-can was stupid, and I hope that despite being of legal age, Mollee is not having sex, because she seriously has the look/attitude/behavior/personality/aura of an 8-year-old so whoever's banging her is a total perv. Cat Deeley continues to work wonders with self-styling. *shrug* That's about all I got. As a contrast, me writing this during season 4 would've gone something along the lines of "OMG JOSH KATEE MARK MARK MARK GEV CHELSIE MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH MARK!!!" *sigh*
JB: "This routine is about the invention of the telephone"? Sweet suffering Christ on the cross! Co-sign on the not feeling this season. They brought it back too soon and if they're going to do the same next year, I'd like to see an All-Stars Edition.
CC: Okay well now that you mentioned it, we MUST list our all-stars! That would be AWESOME! I would like to see me some: Travis, Danny, Hok, Mark, Gev, Josh, Chelsie, Katee, Pasha, Anya, Courtney and I would like to see them all doing a kick-ass Wade Robson routine that does not involve foxes. Maybe throw in Blake for some delicious bitchery. Maybe have Boomkack and Mia Michaels both show up and make people cry. This is already my favorite show ever. Somebody make this happen.
JB: I'll draft Natalie the sexsational Greek from s2, Twitch, Kayla(or Payla as I would have referred to her if TV Club had existed last season), Heidi. In my mind, I've already cancelled the rest of this season. I'm watching this instead and it's awesome!

Friday, November 20, 2009

TV Club: It's Better Than Reading!

Just squeaking in under the wire before some of this stuff passes it's sell-by date here's more valid opinions from Cherry and myself. The Prisoner review is my own personal January Jones moment but it's been a trying week. I promise I'll make more of an effort in the future. (Promise not a binding contract.)
SNL
CC: Good lord, what a travesty. Taylor Swift, I hereby apologize for everything I said last week. And everything I may say in the future (might as well cover all bases).
JB: Jon Hamm is ruining January Jones' real and fictional life. His SNL debut last year was a triumph of almost Swiftian proportions. Remember Jon's Hamm's john ham? Remember his James Mason impression? Remember the Mad Men sketch where John Slattery and Elisabeth Moss appeared? That was the first time Elisabeth Moss met Fred Armisen and now they're married! So, not just a great appearance, a life-changing one. And what will we remember about JanJones? Most Desperately Unsalvagable Monologue Ever and the Farting Grace Kelly Hall Of Famer.


Top Model
CC: Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID LAURA NOT WIN? HOW DID LAURA NOT WIN? *foot stomp* That's just wrong. WRONG! And what will her GRANDMA THINK? You suck, Tyra! Aaaaa! (I don't know why I'm so bummed since I watch every episode of this show on fast-forward except for the actual modeling segments, but still...come on. Laura. Should be the winner. On the other hand, last cycle's winner was Teyona, so that in and of itself pretty much explains where the judges' heads can sometimes be, which is crazyland.)
JB: Misdirection, thy name is Banks. The whole show was a prelude to a Laura win. She conquered dyslexia-- seriously, Lash Blast is the model Rural Juror-- she wept at the thought of Granny, she sailed down the runway, the judges swooned over her transformative abilities BUT NICOLE ATE LUNCH ALONE IN THE TOILET. And that touched something in Tyra who, lest we forget, was herself an awkward gangly insectoid teenage freak.
What will fill the void in our lives until the next cycle? I have a suggestion. Go to your DVR, find BBC America, inch forward to Dec 1 and record the entire season--relax, it's only four episodes-- of Britain's Missing Top Model. That's right, disabled models. Disabled models declaring "I'm not here to make friends." The bitchy cripple ganging up on the deaf girl because `she's not really disabled'. A girl with a prosthetic arm getting drunk off her ass and hitting on one of the judges. I have seen this show and, once again, if I have to pay you actual American money to get you to watch it, I will. (Just to clarify, I won't)


Friday Night Lights.
CC: Yes! The return of Buddy Garrity! I'm gonna have to get me an East Dillon T-shirt. I say this because I have a Dillon Football shirt and obviously that's an affiliation that's not gonna work for me anymore, just like it doesn't work for Buddy Garrity anymore, bless his sweaty, red-faced heart. LOVE HIM. Not so sure about this Saracen/ornery artist storyline, but I'll go with it. CANNOT STAND the chick who keeps asking Riggins for a ride to school, but again, I'll go with it, because the FNL people can do no wrong, and by do no wrong I mean they did a little bit wrong with that jacked-up season 2 murder storyline, but other than that, everything about this show is what's right and good in the world.

SYTYCD
CC: Bored now. *sigh* Thank you, Legacy's abs, for providing a bright spot in what otherwise is rapidly becoming an ongoing series of Tuesday night "meh"s. Except for Cat Deeley's super shiny dress! Loved that super-shiny dress. I have a theory that I might fit into her dresses because although she is way thinner, I am much shorter, so maybe it all works out, but obviously there will never be a way to test this theory. Look at this, I'm reduced to talking about the clothes on this show instead of the actual dancing, because that's how far we've fallen. Fuck! And I LOVE this show! I want to get excited about it! Do something, Nigel! I just checked his twitter and he said "It's a really good show tonight I think we're back on track?" No! You aren't! GET THERE!

JB: Let's look inside the mind of Shankman re Ryan and Ellenore: "She's a little odd and quirky. He's a roided-out behemoth. They shouldn't work, at first they didn't work but together they made magic. He grounds her, she makes him seem less of a lunkhead. It's Step Up 7! " Having said that...Team Legaryn!
Vintage Lythgoe: telling MolNat they were suffering from Survivor's Guilt like they'd samba'd their way out of Auschwitz
Also, is reprobate becoming Cat's smize? (Oh, and nice Van Halen solo, Chloe from 24)

The Prisoner

JB: "Hey, we're remaking The Prisoner!"
"AWESOME! It's totally the right time to bring it back. That story was nowhere near done. So what happens this time? Are the two brothers in separate prisons and they have to escape and meet in the middle?"
"That's Prison Break. Check this out: we've got Gandalf and The Christ! I mean, holy fuck, right? They're gonna have to rename the Emmys, the Prizzies!"
"Hold up, wasn't The Prisoner that weirdo 60s show with that angry guy running around shouting at people? Wasn't it sort of camp and jokey?"
"No one's gonna laugh at our version. It's slow and meandering and really really boring. It's got Best Drama written all over it! See you at the Prizzies!"

Doctor Who: Waters Of Mars

JB: David Tennant may be about to hand over the keys to the Tardis and move on to become the next Hugh Laurie ( don't hold me to that in case it doesn't happen) but before he goes, he's going to act the shit out of every second of screen time he's got left. The story was some old tosh about water zombies taking over the crew of a Martian base but it was really an excuse for Tennant to go from Jovial and Boisterous to Stoic to Compassionate to Action Guy to Arrogant Space Deity to Sniveling Fearful Death-Sensing Wreck to Feisty Smartass Ready To Go Out In A Blaze Of Glory. (You ever watch this, Cherry? You any sort of fan?If not, I recommend you get up to speed. There's only 47 years worth of episodes to plough through)
CC: The only thing I know about this show is that it is not Samantha Who? and also that it had a theme song and/or opening credits that as a child I found vaguely disturbing, and maybe Doctor Who *possibly* looks like David Bowie as Jareth in Labyrinth, or maybe I am totally making all of this up.

Misfits

JB:A motley crue of binge-drinking, drug-guzzling rampant UK shaggers get caught in a freak hailstorm and acquire budget-appropriate superpowers. One hears thoughts. One sees the future. One becomes invisible. One gets the ability to make guys squirt in their pants. Yup, it's Heroes-meets-Skins. The deal to do the watered-down, vice-free US remake was probably done by the time I finished the previous sentence. The good news about that: the CW will cast underwear models which will only be an improvement on the rough-looking Brits. The bad news about that: dialogue unlikely to include gems like "Ah'll kick yer so `ard in the coont yer moom'll feel it!"
I might actually be imagining this show due to the amount of antibiotics I'm on since breaking my two front teeth earlier this week. No I'm not. It's real. Here's what it looks like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODl- kAhVsXY&feature=PlayList&p=3F67F57BE7F306D4&index=6&playnext=4&playnext_from=PL

X-Factor

JB: It was Queen week which meant one thing: an audience member yelled Fuck Off! at Dannii Minogue. It also meant that Cowell diverted attention from his status as Britain's Most Hated by declaring fatwa on Sting who had earlier accused the X of ruining music( go make another lute album, Sting, that'll turn things around)
This'll mean nothing to you but midway through,the stage is invaded by Scots-born electro-pop producer Calvin Harris who holds a pineapple on top of his head. The outraged UK media immediately forgot they hated Cowell and the Leprechauns O'Doom and instantly branded Harris Britain's Most Hated. And in case you think this high stakes singing competition is in any way pandering to the L.O'D and their particular skillset, next week's theme: The Music Of Wham!

Tough Love

JB: "Hey, VH-1 here. Guess what, all you strippers, video vixens and shot girls we picked to share hot tubs and herpes sores with Bret Michaels these past few years: YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING WHORES!!!!! No man will ever want you. You're going to wind up barren alone and insane. Unless you sign up for our new matchmaking show Tough Love and get yelled at by some bug-eyed dude who only calls you a slut because he cares. Thanks. Bye"

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Best Week Ever!

Here's how it went down, with due deference to Owen Wilson's amazing rat-tat-tat narration that ever so briefly energized the sludge of Marley & Me: watched download of The Thick Of It( never covered in T-Club but incredible)- screen went black- went to Genius Bar-- Powerbook battery dead-- Genius revived it in store--took it home--screen went black--made sandwich--broke front teeth--went to dentist-- oh how he laughed-- yesterday (Tuesday)endured bloody extraction-- he made me promise I'd get multi-million dollar Wolverine-style titanium implants--I was on antibiotics, would have agreed to anything-- went to Apple Store--hovered over Macbooks--persuasive snakeoil salesman bamboozled me into purchasing 13" as well as useless iWork and One onOne-- took Macbook home--couldn't get or send email--couldn't download music, TV or movies, which is to say, could not admit air to my lungs-- also couldn't connect to external hard drive-- next day (today, Wednesday)--returned to Apple Store--queried friendly genius about email, external hard drive, bit torrenting-- he had answers to all my problems, also helped me with transferring old data from expired powerbook to new Macbook, even charged dying battery-- while it was charging, went to lunch at Farmer's Market-- delightful halibut--pigeons swooped on me while I ate-- returned to Apple Store retrieved recharged battery-- went home-- email receiving but not sending-- pressed T for ten minutes but firewire unable to transfer data between computers--returned to Genius Bar--formerly friendly Genius looked through me like I was made of glass--no appointment=no identity--approached a Genius shorter than me, bamboozled HIM into checking on my email which, of course worked fine IN THE STORE!!!-- also checked my firewire connection by pressing T for two seconds-- worked fine IN THE STORE!!!-- but instead of letting the data transfer continue, he was so scared of being seen talking to a no-appointment intruder that he broke the connection-- returned to Farmers Market to carry on data transfer--pressed T for ten minutes--NOTHING HAPPENED!!!-- lovely young Asian couple sitting at next table, considered asking them for help, considered the possibility they might see it as racial sterotyping-- trudged home-- did I mention I don't drive?(not important)--called cab--drove to MacEnthusiasts on Pico Boulevard-- the first guy I talk to tells me the Powerbook needs to be completely taken apart and rebuilt: "We're looking at around $180.00"--at the start of the day I would have nodded and handed him the lube-- not anymore-- "I'm not sure it needs to be completely taken apart and reassembled. I think the fault may lie in the way I pressed T"-- the Enthusiast gave the you-know-nothing raised eyebrow and directed me to a charming young Enthusiast whose name, I think, was Jasmine and who, unbelievably, was more technically inept than me--Jasmine not only did not know which holes to stick the firewire into, she wasn't sure how to press T-- Enthusiast Jasmine invited me around to the professional's side of the counter-- while I rebuffed panicked customers, she returned with the Ultimate Enthusiast, a guy who was born to say `Move' as he elbowed idiots like me out of the way--The Ultimate Enthusiast did not think my powerbook needed to be re-assembled at a cost of $180.00-- The Ultimate Enthusiast installed a program that transferred all my data.--The computer screen estimated the time of transfer at around an hour-- I went out to to tell the waiting cabdriver to come back and pick me up in an hour--when i returned to the store, the transfer was done-- "how much do I owe you?" I ask Jasmine, who seemed much happier playing with her tiny crate-trained dog than re-assembling hard drives-- she declines to charge me-- I resist the urge to rub this in the face of the shifty first Enthusiast-- leave store--call cab--drive home savoring delicious tang of victory(even though recovered data doesn't amount to much more than a few Howard Stern shows and some pictures of dogs leaping in the air, which I should have showed Jasmine, we were totally hitting it off)-- delicious tang of victory dissipates when driver pulls up outside my house and I put my hand in what turns out to be an empty pocket--damn that delicious Halibut lunch

Monday, November 16, 2009

You Can't Handle The Tooth!

Look at that guy. What a state. Feel free to laugh at him. Ha ha ha. I'm glad I don't look anything like him. He's missing at least three of his front teeth. No wonder I feel superior, I only broke TWO!!! Okay, one of the pair was fake but the other was strong and proud like a stalactite. But it was no match for the industrial strength chicken wing from the Whole Foods poultry section. (Isn't there a scene in Precious where something like this happens? God, I feel her pain...)
After greeting my messed-up mouth with a jovial `I knew you'd be back!", my local molar guy slotted me in for what he predicted would be a bloody extraction tomorrow morning, followed by the fitting of a gleaming new plate.
All of which is to say that if there is a new TV Club this week, my half of it will consist largely of drugged-up ramblings.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Is That A TV Club In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Leave It To Lamas?

How about that for a quick turnaround. Once again, Cherry Chevapravatdumrong and myself fritter away the best years of our lives on the week's TV shows. (I don't mean it like it's a bad thing...) As ever, TV Club is simulcast--simulblogged?-- at Cherry's site http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva which has a nicer layout but no pictures which, this week, is a big minus. Or plus.

Project Runway
CC: So we're almost to the finale, and...zzzzzz oh my god, I'm so sorry to have fallen asleep when this is the most BORING SEASON OF THIS SHOW BY FAR. Christ. Do something. Do anything. If I had known earlier that getting a weird weak smile from Gordana when I saw her at the Emmys was going to be the most exciting moment of the whole season, I would've made more of it (like gone up to her instead of just staring) (just kidding, I never go up to celebrities, I'm far too shy...I was once at a bar with Alan Tudyk during the heyday of Firefly and I just stood there, right next to him, and said nothing like a dumbass). Tim Gunn still RULES, of course. LOVE YOU TIM!

JB: Carol Hannah:

Gizmo:


Mad Men
CC: That was awesome.

JB: Wow. Don Draper a single man at the cusp of the sexual revolution. Betty stumbling blindly into the arms of another father figure she doesn't know, oblivious to the seething volcano of resentment and future dysfunction building up inside her daughter. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Roger and Joan working together again. Pete and Peggy sharing desks. Season 4, you have my account.

Saturday Night Live
JB: Least fast-forwardable show of the season courtesy of the delightful Taylor Swift. Funny how pop stars consistently turn out to be upper-echelon hosts: Timberlake, Britney, Christina Aguilera and now T-Swift. She's a multi-talent, a shining example to today's wayward youth and a good sport. (Please, Cherry, don't write a Family Guy episode poking cruel fun at an overachieving, somewhat self-satisfied, thin-voiced quasi-country singing beanpole called something like Whaler Spit. I forbid it. She's been through enough. Don't do it.)

CC: Okay, it is ridiculous how much the media is creaming themselves over her when she was, like, competent at best. She was no JT. She wasn't even ScarJo in "Fly High Duluth." I won't say that she can't sing because that is obvious. I won't say that she was completely unnecessary in that prison sketch that everybody just watches to see how soon Kenan will cause Hader to crack, because that is obvious. I will say that she is a weird giantess whose sheer height fucked up that roommate sketch because the sight of her wrapping her spindly arms around the much-smaller Nasim Pedrad made it so they didn't look like roommates, but more like a praying mantis trapping and eating an ant. You're two feet taller than Kanye, Taylor, next time just take him down right in the moment and we can all move on much faster.

JB: Sorry, couldn't read that last bit. Something in my eye. I think it's cream.



The Wanda Sykes Show
JB: Fox is notoriously the home of the two worst late night talk show hosts in the history of history, Chevy Chase and Magic Johnson but now they've hired Wanda Sykes who is unfailingly funny and smart and... THE STREAK CONTINUES!!! Endless, wooden monologue, nowhere near as memorable as Taylor's `La la la ha ha ha' (Don't mock her! I'm adamant!), a slow-motion joke-free Weekend Update xerox and then a 30 minute current affairs discussion with a liquored-up panel that included Phil Keoghan (sp) and Mary-Lynn Rajskub (sp) who interacted like they were sitting in the dentist's waiting room. Other than that, I LOVED IT!

The X-Factor
JB: The whole of the UK is up in arms about last week's show and by the whole of the UK, I mean the segment gorging itself senseless on an endless diet of celebrity trivia and brain-numbing trash, so...THE WHOLE OF THE UK IS UP IN ARMS OVER LAST WEEK'S SHOW! Here's why:


At the results show sing-off Simon Cowell had the power to vote these cheeky little leprechauns off the series. Instead, he caused their nearest competitor, a sweet but drippy Welsh girl to get the boot thus reducing her to floods of tears. The national outrage has been so demented that Cowell has been forced to schedule a presidential address on next week's show defending his reasons for keeping the evil twins around. And yet, last week had an even more surreal moment. An argument that I don't have the energy to explain-- it would make life so much easier if you would start Bit Torrenting the X (or do you have ethical objections?)--put Cowell in the position of having to defend Harmony Korine's movie Gummo.

CC: Jonathan, you have officially broken me. I kind of loved this. From the ridiculous headbopping at the beginning to the cheerful "Scary!" in the middle to the half-assed Thriller dance towards the end. I surrender. It's over. I'm in. I die. (TM Rachel Zoe)

Cats 101
CC: This show exists. It's on Animal Planet and basically it's just people talking about various different breeds of cats WHILE THEY SHOW CATS AND KITTENS OF THOSE BREEDS ROMPING AROUND. There is another show called Dogs 101. Same idea. If you like cute animals, you will go fucking nuts watching these shows. You're welcome.

Dancing with the Stars
CC: The only part of this show I watch is the actual dancing. And only if the couple contains a former contestant from SYTYCD. And only if it's a dance I like. I don't really watch this show.

SYTYCD
CC: Aw. My fave couple Legacy/Kathryn not that interesting this week. In fact, nobody that interesting this week. Hey, you know what was ESPECIALLY not interesting? Those clips where they tell us something America doesn't know about them and expect us to think it's some sort of big surprise. Wow, the really buff guy likes sports? REALLY? I NEVER WOULD'VE GUESSED. Actually you're right, I never would've guessed, because that guy is gay, even if he doesn't know it yet.

JB: I missed the majority of this show because time stood still once Peter the soon-to-be-ex Last Tapper Standing revealed he coached a special needs dance troupe. I now have a new favorite dance competition that takes place in my head and I think you know what it is and i think you know who's in it. Let's just say the Hot Tamale Train has ramps...

Top Chef
CC: Wow. I never thought they would have anyone on the show as remotely annoying as Mr. Champion of the Belabored Metaphor himself, Toby Young. Congratulations, Nigella! What the FUCK with comparing flan to a 17th century courtesan thigh? Come on. This is food we're talking about. Don't force me to picture a jiggly white slab leading to an old-timey syphilis vag.

JB: Syphilis Vag was the name of my prize-winning show choir...no, wait, Syphilis Vag was the most loyal pet a man ever had...um...I still recall the summer vacations I spent in Syphilis Vag... feel free to chime in on this hilarious Syphilis Vag joke-off. Hello?


Top Model
JB: The Top 2wo are a trifecta of firsts: first two tiny little people, first two redheads (or gengies as we call them back in my home town of Glasgow, Scotland), first two underdogs. I'm okay with whoever wins. What I'm not okay with: Ann Shoket's face.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Friday, November 6, 2009

TV Club Returns!!

You might have assumed I'd have given this up by now. But unlike Coach Eric Taylor, I'm no quitter. If you don't take into consideration all the times I've quit. But once again, my YA colleague Cherry Chevapravatdumrong-- whose Family Guy episode airs this Sunday-- and myself watch TV:


So You Think You Can Dance

JB: Ryan and Ellenore, Legacy and Kathryn, Latin chick so hot she makes Shankman re-assess his sexual orientation: I got love for all y'all but you better move out the way or you're gonna get squashed under the tween-fuelled Mollee and Nathan juggernaut. I also hail the return of the deep-thinking artist that is Wade Robson. By an amazing coincidence there used to be another choreographer named Wade Robson; he even had own MTV show, `The Wade Robson Project', but that guy was NOTHING like the one we now know. The goofy thing about Wade's Van Gogh dance is, if he'd told the couple they'd be playing Space Invaders or kernels of popcorn the routine would have been exactly the same. Brilliant reverse psychology from Lythgoe. After last season's Katie Holmes' fiasco, he's making it seem like procuring the services of Paula Abdul is almost impossible. Dude, we could probably get Paula Abdul to guest-blog here with the promise of a tap shoe filled with Klonopin.
CC: Legacy/Kathryn is totally my stealth power couple. I was all set to hate Legacy. Like, I'm totally obsessed with Russell, who needs to be unshackled from Squeaky Voice McGee, stat, and I was ambitiously trying to leap ahead of the masses and get in on the ground floor with Victor Smalley, who I swear is this year's answer to Danny from season 3, but then here come Legacy and Kathryn, killing it last week and again this week. By the way, will someone please explain Nathan's surprise stomach fat? He's such a pretty boy that I totally thought he would have a sixpack and instead he's veering much closer to Kasprzak territory.

Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew

JB: You know the biggest enemy of the semen-stained wretches checking in at the camera-shy doc's Pasadena hellhole? It's not the internet. It's not their neglectful parents. It's HD! I have never seen such a brutal parade of adult acne. There isn't an inmate whose skin doesn't look like the surface of Mars. Except for lovely swimsuit model, Amber Smith, veteran of Celebrity Rehab and Sober House. She's rotting on the inside.

V

JB: Meh, except for Morena Baccarin. And speaking of freakish, lizard-skinned alien women:

Tabatha's Salon Takeover:

JB: The Real Housewives, Rachel Zoe, Jackie Warner, Kathy Griffin and now this addition to Bravo's gallery of grotesques. John Waters can die happy knowing someone's carrying on the proud tradition he started in the 70s. Seriously, once Tabatha's done reducing stylists to tears and IBS, she needs to start hunting down inept Australian plastic surgeons, starting with the one who did THAT to her face.

Mad Men

JB: Remember that show American Dreams? Set in the 60s? Suburban American family learning valuable lessons as significant historical events unfold around them. Lots of montages set to `The Times They Are A-Changing'. Desperately sappy. The JFK episode was the first, and hopefully last, time Mad Men made me think of that series. In more exciting news, one of the unemployed actors from my gym finally got a job! He played the bandleader at Roger Sterling's bridezilla daughter's wedding.
CC: Oh no, JFK died. Blah blah blah blah blah MORE JOAN AND ROGER PLZKTHX. I didn't even get into this show until this year and I basically want to put John Slattery in a box and just watch him do mundane stuff, like order food off menus. AWESOME TRIVIA: he and January Jones were both in Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights, which I know because I may or may not have seen it in the theater opening weekend, by which I mean I totally saw it in the theater opening weekend.
JB: EVEN MORE AWESOME TRIVIA. I wrote the first draft of Havana Nights when it was supposed to star Ricky Martin and Natalie Portman. The script was, obviously, spectacular but there were creative differences with the studio who failed to get behind my artistic vision of filling every page with gay jokes about the leading man.

X Factor

JB: In Britain, this show gets an audience of upward of 15 million. At 8pm on a Saturday night. (The UK version of Dancing With The Stars is opposite. It comes close to 11 million. That's actually more people than there are in the entire country since swine flu). Let's watch the most popular act:


And next week, they do the Ghostbusters theme!

CC: Why have I not learned my lesson yet about clicking on these links you keep sending me with these two douches? My eyes, they must be gouged out. Now. *runs off to gouge*

Top Model
CC: On the one hand, I enjoy when they get a legit model to come in and give legit advice. On the other hand, it was Marisa Miller, who is hot or whatever, but also incredibly boring and has a bizarre boob-to-arm-fat ratio happening. Like, there should really be more arm fat on a person with that much boob. The whole effect is just disconcerting. You agree, don't you, all the boys who keep buying her SI swimsuit issues? No? Just me? Backwoods Bundchen (TM JB) FTW still!
JB: This boob/arm paradox intrigues me [rewatches in slo-mo,forwards frame-by-frame,fast-forwards to the bit where the mod-ettes jump in the water and then roll around in the sand,rewinds] Can't be certain. More research required.

Friday Night Lights
CC: I can't even fucking deal with how much I love this show. I seriously practically cried when Landry said the first "can't lose" during the season premiere. Everyone who does not love this show deserves to be shot in the face.
JB: I heart it too, fellow DirecTV customer. The East Dillon storyline is awesome and makes Saint Tami into a bit of a turd. Really wish they'd have found a way to give Saracen a happy ending and write him out. Having him hanging around makes my heart hurt. L'chaim to Riggins and Landry on the event of their upcoming disastrous relationships.