Monday, December 7, 2009

You And Me Could Write A Bad TV Club

It's back and, as ever, it's also available for your viewing pleasure at

Friday Night Lights

JB: I think you might have prematurely shot your wad last week because THIS is the episode that deserves all the superlatives and the tears. Zach Gilford did not have a moment when he wasn't incredible. Freaking out at the army guy who called his dad a prankster. Breaking down at the Taylor dinner table. Looking inside the coffin. Telling the supermarket story. Shoveling dirt on the coffin till his hands bled. Can't imagine seeing better acting on TV. Also noted: Coach Taylor back to calling Landry Lance again.
CC: Zach Gilford FTmotherfuckingW. Even if he never acts again, which he totally will, it doesn't matter, because he's done this episode. I cannot believe that every single person having anything to do with this show is not already drowning in a giant pile of Emmys, dead of multiple puncture wounds from all the dozens and dozens of pointy, shiny, ridonkulously well-deserved golden wings.


JB: Now? Now, when there's only four other people watching and a smattering of episodes left, now you decide to become a show that's worth watching? Now you're Prison Break meets Invasion Of The Body Snatchers? So much good stuff here: Dushku back in something-approaching-Faith mode, Victor as Topher, Topher and Bennett, glasses on a chain, the icy blonde handler (played by an actress named Stacey Scowley which would be an awesome name for a doll aimed at emo tots) and next week Alpha's back.
CC: Yup, the show is in its official death throes, but continues to BRING IT, entertainment-wise. I am lame and totally did not see the twist of Alexis Denisof being the doll. Also, awwww to Summer Glau and Topher's supercute weird nerdy fucked up geeky "let's lamely flirt but also maybe kick each other's ass" delightfulness! And once again: ENVER GJOKAJ. Jesus. Him as Topher? Come on. Seriously, what the fuck did this guy do in his audition? How did Joss KNOW? Other fantastic moments: the thing with Topher sheepishly explaining his much lamer hooker brain, Adelle's line as she twisted Ray Wise's balls, of course the glasses thing, and "I'm excited and scared." Love it. LOVE IT. Sad to see it go soon.
JB: The Denisof twist: I KNOW! Funny how we fell for that in the very first minute of the very first Buffy --with the girl being terrified of the guy before she turns out to be the vamp--and we're still falling for it.

Jersey Shore

JB: "As far as I know, everybody loves The Situation and if you don't love The Situation I'm gonna make you love The Situation."
"I am a bartender. I do great things."
"I love the poof. It's Guidette."
"The Situation's like, I think we got a situation"
"The party's in Pauly D's pants tonight"
"I will cut your hair while your sleeping"
The situation is, I'm gonna get sloppy on Ron-Ron juice and pre-order The Guido Handbook. This show gave me pink eye. In a good way.
CC: This is the greatest show ever in the history of television entertainment. If you didn't watch it, go commit suicide (just kidding...go watch it, and then, even if you were planning on committing suicide, you will not, because the promise of more episodes will give you reason to live). I cannot tell you how many times I have rewound and/or quoted that thing about JWoww having to leave the club early because she didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend but also because she felt like eating ham and drinking water. HAM AND WATER. These things are clearly very important, and I know that now, and will apply such knowledge to my own life. *goes to buy ham*

Steven Seagal Lawman

JB: I don't even know where to start with this mess. Seagal's a wreck: he's weatherbeaten and bloated, he's always out of breath, he's got a folded-up face like an old bulldog. So what's his plan to divert attention from the fact that he looks way worse than all the other cops in the unit he rides around with? The hair. There wasn't much of it in Above The Law. It was beating an even hastier retreat in Hard To Kill. But on the criminal streets of Jefferson Parish, he's got a full head of inky black hair that starts in a vampiric widow's peak and then continues in an untended thicket. He continually voiceovers that his years of martial arts training make him perfect for the job but anytime there's trouble, he's standing way behind all the other officers, clutching a torch and wheezing. And then there's the thing that comes out of his mouth. That sound. In Marked For Death it was a Brooklynesque bada-boom bada-bing. In Under Siege, he was working kind of a Zen Redneck fusion. Here he has a different accent for every occasion. When he's schooling the other cops in the way of the martial arts master, he's softly-spoken and enigmatic. When he's on patrol, he sounds like Bobby Boucher in The Waterboy. When he's reading the miscreants of the almost-all- black Jefferson Parish their rights, he's all "I'm gonna axe you one mo time, homes,where the drugs be at?"

Launch My Line

JB: Bravo is Jon. Project Runway is Kate. The Fashion Show was Hailey Glassman and this thing is whatever random skank Jon starts pounding out next.(It made sense in my head) I'm not saying Bravo will never manage to come up with a fashion competition to fill the Runway void but it won't be this one. Bad hosting choice with the D Squared twins: two Mr. Jays does not equal one Tyra.
CC: I tivoed this for the sole reason that Dan Karaty is on it and he used to be on SYTYCD but then I remembered I didn't really like him on SYTYCD so I didn't watch it.
JB: Almost forgot one indelible moment burned into my brain. One of the over-excited line-launchers yells out "Now THAT'S What I'm talking about!" and, simultaneously, launches a visible gob of spittle that splatters onto the bare shoulder of the woman directly in front who then WINCES. If that had happened on Runway? Tim Gunn. Would. Have. Died. Literally. Heart stopped. Dead.

So You Think You Can Dance
JB: Mollee seemed a little less infantile this week due to A) having Russell as a partner and B) The fact that we couldn't see her cabbage patch face during the entirety of the first routine. Close proximity to Nathan actually de-hotted Kathryn. Your Judges had almost three months worth of backed-up dance-jizz they couldn't hold in anymore so they spooged all over Jakob AKA The Winner and Ellenore. Yeah, they were good but if that was the most memorable dance of the season, this has been a piss-poor excuse for a hastily cobbled-together season.
CC: That WAS the most memorable dance of the season, and I would TOTALLY put it up against the greatest hits of some of the other seasons! A hearty YES to Sonya/Jakob/Ellenore. KICKASS, was what that was. Could totally tell within 5 seconds that it was gonna be worth an instant rewatch. So great. SO GREAT. Kathryn rocked that Broadway like nobody's business; she is so the Jeanine of this year. Also, I was just beginning to mentally apologize for buying into the whole eating disorder rumor about Ashleigh when they said her mystery illness was some fucked up tropical parasite, until they showed her MOM and then I was too busy trying to decipher that hair situation, because WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT HAIR SITUATION? LOVED seeing Quest on the results show by the way, and HOLY SHIT to that middle part of the LXD performance with those three guys flipping all over the place (Steve from Quest maybe just got served...I wouldn't say no to a crazy dance-off-flip-off between all those guys). Oh, and also a Zach Gilford/Enver Gjokaj act-off. Which I know has nothing to do with SYTYCD.


JB: I've been a stranger to Glee (both the show and the emotion) but I caught up with it this week and I thank the God of the Jews that there is only one episode left before it vanishes for four months. Because this series is bad for me. It maroons me in that place between a shudder and a tear (which I think was the title of an old Cocteau Twins album. Is that too archaic a reference? Replace with the whiney mopers of your choice). I mean, the deaf choir? I started off cringing at that through the cracks in my fingers. Halfway through, my hands were still over my eyes but for pathetically different reasons. Plus, I started playing the Sectionals drinking game and am now a raging alcoholic.
CC: Here's me and Glee: watched the pilot. Loved it. Watched the 2nd ep. Didn't love it as much. Started watching the third, came to the conclusion that the only thing I really care about is the musical numbers, have watched every ep since then by fastfording through anything that's not singing. It's not a bad way to go. And do I own some of the songs? Yes I do. Maybe I've listened to Defying Gravity like 8 million times. Maybe I've pumped up Take a Bow and No Air in the car. I don't know. Maybe I sing along. That's not the point. They still haven't topped the awesomeness of Don't Stop Believin', and I fear they never will. We'll see.
JB: Same for me with Somebody To Love, the Halo/Walking On Sunshine coupling and the bitchy cheerleader's rather lovely rendition of I say A Little Prayer. I will, however, donate all the money I didn't pay to download them if it will stop Mr Shue ever rapping again.

CC: Eh. I liked the UPS thing and that totally wtf last thing. I registered that Rihanna was wearing chain mail. Blake Lively has very pretty hair and seemed like she was having fun. Can we talk some more about Zach Gilford and Enver Gjokaj?
JB: I have not watched live commercials in over two and a half years. This gives me the self-obsessed authority to proclaim that Tivo has destroyed commercial parodies. (Although that turns out not to be true: something like 80% of DVR owners DON'T fast-forward through commercials? What the fuck, America? Wall-E was so right!) That Rihanna/ Shy Ronnie short: better than anything on her album. (Although I always think that about The Lonely Island stuff: it's so laser-precise and the production is fantastic and then I hear it without the visuals and it's just alright...)

Alice on SyFy channel
CC: I'm only like 10 minutes into this and I'm already TOTALLY overthinking it. Like, a guy named Jack gets dragged into a white van that drives away and I'm like oh! Jackrabbit? White van? He's the White Rabbit! Then two minutes later there is literally a door with a picture of a white rabbit on it AND the words "white rabbit." Then Alice runs into this weird fisherman wearing a fisherman hat and I'm like okay, he's wearing a hat and he's weird, maybe he's the Mad Hatter. Then two minutes later she runs into a guy who's also wearing a hat and is like "You wanna know why they call me Hatter?" *sigh*
JB: One last note on this Very Special Tribute To Zach Gilford. Don't, whatever you do, make the mistake of renting/purchasing/ downloading a tragically poor -non-comedy(non-com?) called Post Grad where he plays the Ultimate Pussy Platonic Best Friend Desperate To Be Boyfriend. Just don't.

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