Sunday, December 20, 2009

I Saw Mommy Kissing TV Club!

For the last time this decade...TV Club! (Available, as ever, for simultaneous viewing at

So You Think You Can Dance
CC: HOLY. SHIT. THAT WAS RIVETING. I'm typing this right after the very end of the very last show. Which was CCCRRAAAZZZZYYY. Way to bring the dramz, live television! OK, backtracking now to the performance show, which was the best finale in years! It ranged from damn good to *awesome*. LOVED Ellenore in that Fosse-ish broadway thing (that girl had herself a NIGHT-- she kicked ass in that weirdo robot jazz thing as well). LOVED Russell in that angel-y thing with Ashleigh. Jakob was just ridiculously, effortlessly great as usual; LOVED him and Kathryn dancing to that fucking Family Ties song, of all things. And good lord, if that Ryan/Ashleigh number by Travis did not practically kill me-- Ryan cried, Ashleigh cried, I cried-- well, no, I didn't, but I was close. I WAS FUCKING CLOSE! Aaaaa! And Russell KILLED that last hip-hop. Great finale. GREAT FINALE! And then, the results show? HOLY SHIT! Russell hurting his leg and limping on stage and everything getting all fucked up and them having to run old clips cuz he couldn't dance, and then him WINNING? And his REACTION? Gold. Television gold. SO HAPPY FOR HIM! I hope his leg is okay. Cuz you KNOW when he won that the adrenaline just fucking took over so hopefully, whatever was wrong with it, he didn't make it worse in those few minutes. His girlfriend's a lucky fucking woman, by the way. YAY, RUSSELL! RUSSELL WINNING FTW! :DDDDDDDDD
JB: What she said but substitute Vicodin for adrenaline. Let's think about that Tuesday show for a minute. Six dancers instead of four. One hour instead of two. No solos. No special all-boy or all-girl routines. No video packages. Despite that, it was fantastic and so memorable that two of the dances turned up in the next night's Greatest Hits of The Season. And they both featured Kathryn who rose like a hot phoenix over the last few weeks. Russell's arc was like something out of a movie. Lythgoe relentlessly sells him as the krumper from the wrong side of B'more who overcomes the odds and then at the last minute he's struck down by a freak injury but limps to victory. Incredible end to what started as a shakey series. Which presents my double citizenship viewing ass with a dilemma. I'm on record as saying they came back too soon after summer but SYTYCD-UK premieres on the BBC in three weeks. With Lythgoe, with Cat, with Mia Michaels and, apparently, Victoria Beckham. I'm not going to do it. I shouldn't do it. I probably won't do it. I'm gonna do it!!

The Sing-Off
CC: I like a cappella. But I hate this show.
JB: I tried to fill my aching Glee-hole with The Sing-Off. I didn't hate it as much as you but if there's really an acapella upsurge sweeping the nation this show is going to kill it stone dead. It confirms every preconceived notion about people who join vocal groups. It's not so much that they're massive dorks. It's not their sweater vests or their enthusiasm. It's that they love singing BUT THEY HATE SONGS! Which is why they slaughter them with those stupid babababadadada arrangements. Oh and, nice nervous laugh, Nicole Pussycat Doll.

Jersey Shore
CC: There are no words, so here are some words: Pauly D and the fattie. Pauly D and the grenade. Pauly D and whatever the fuck must be on his hands after beating up the beat. Also, Snooki's mom should never have smushed with Snooki's dad, and whatever the answer to Ronnie's equation is, it's wrong.
JB: Chill out, Freckles McGee. Like Sammi and Ronnie, I'm still in the honeymoon stage in my relationship with the J-Shore. Everything everybody did was insane: Snookie clearing the cobwebs with her dancefloor backflips. Any time we get to spend at The Shore Store. The duck phone! (It never gets old!) Ronnie's attempts to hide the Italian sausage while grilling Sammi about the cop. The bitchfaced blonde cockblocker who whined her friend out of The Situations's bed. Which lead me to the shocking conclusion that The Situation is not a closer. He can lure guidettes back to the house. He can get them into the filthy hot tub. But he can't close the deal. Either they're too grossed out, they come to their senses or a girlfriend drags them away for their own good. And the non-showing of The Punch Heard Around Around The World? MTV gets to have it's fist-shaped cake and eat it.

Friday Night Lights
CC: I love Tink. I love Mrs. Coach's perfect reaction to every situation. I love Riggy talking to Skeeter the dog. I love Riggy telling that guy he fucked his wife and then beating the shit out of him. I love that Coach is gonna make a gun disappear. I love Landry's list of reasons to go out with him, complete with bailing on the end of it and just saying go out with me. I love this show. I hate you if you are not watching it.
JB: I said Oh No out loud four times this week. When Luke Cafferty got injured. When Landry tried to cut the ties with Tyra. When Julie fell to pieces at the Academic Smackdown. And when Glen mouth-raped Tami. And I laughed out loud when Riggins --Riggy? Really?-- described Becky's mom as a disgruntled redhead.

JB: The fake-out at the start of the attic episode was better than the whole of Avatar. What was left of my mind after something like an entire season's worth of revelations crammed into forty minutes was blown by DeWitt and the whole we're-putting-a-team-together bit at the end. And let's take a second to acknowledge the awards and career opportunities that won't be coming Olivia Williams' way. She has just DESTROYED in these episodes. She's gone from drunken self-loathing to icy backstabber to engineer of the rebellion. I hate that there's only three episodes left but my expectations for all three are through the roof. (And, yes, Enver Gjokaj was fighting his own real-life twin brother!)
CC: HIVE MIND! HIVE MIND! HIVE MIND! Is what was going through my head when it was clear that those soldiers were about to, well, hive mind Victor (um...nice shirtless work by the way). I kind of love drunk Adelle. I definitely love badass let's-gather-everyone-in-my-office-and-fucking-DO-THIS-THING Adelle. I love Victor and Sierra, 2together 4-EVA, no matter what else is going on. Awww, hearts! And of course loooooved the insider line about it being 2010 and how long have we been off the air. Good times, Joss. Good times. *sniff* Cuz you will be off the air soon. Waaaahhh! And Enver's twin...RIGHT? What's up with Joss and twins? Remember the Evil Xander episode where they used Nicholas Brendon's real life twin? What's next? Are you gonna tell me that somewhere out there is a dude who looks just like Tahmoh Penikett but is, like, a librarian or something? Cuz I could get into that. And imagine two Summer Glaus, fanboys. *runs to avoid pieces of fanboy skull flying everywhere as their heads explode*

Saturday Night Live
JB: Nothing worth taking my finger off FF (What Up With That might be wearing out it's welcome a wee bit) but this week gets a pass for James Franco's monologue, especially when he named a fake film and the crowd applauded.
CC: I was delighted to see the return of Lawrence Welk and Kristin Wiig's tinyhands. And I would be lying my fucking face off if I said I didn't enjoy that Jersey Shore thing, since everything having to do with Jersey Shore in any way, shape, or form = gold.

Gossip Girl
JB: Haven't watched in a while but now I'm all caught up with Season 3...of The O.C! Which is totally what this is. The buzz has gone and nothing works. College is the kiss of death for this type of show. Leighton Meester works harder than anyone else on GG but having her scheming to be queen of NYU just makes her look like she's playing the drag queen version of herself. That's not the only bad idea. Serena working for a publicist. Hilary Duff. Eric Vs Little J. Congressman Tripp. The ghost of Bart. Chuck as the moral compass of the Upper East Side( It's not that I don't believe the character can't change but Ed Westwick looks like a murderer). And Jessica Szohr(sp?) must have pissed off a lot of hair, make-up and wardrobe people because she is one hot Jewess and they've made her look like total shit.
CC: OK, but, but, but...Chuck and Blair are still wearing FABULOUS OUTFITS! :D No? Not enough? OK.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Best In Show!

Hey, Hottie (remember that? There's another one on the way!) made someone's top 5 best books of the year, even though it turns out to be a top 8

Thanks Alexandra!

Monday, December 14, 2009

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like TV Club!

As long as there's TV, there'll be people to watch it and make uninformed comments. Like this (which, of course, you can also read at


JB: Way too late to be this awesome. If the first of this week's episodes had been the actual series pilot, we probably wouldn't be sitting through this deathbed vigil. It moved like a bastard, it totally invested us in Echo and it gave us something to root for: bringing down the Dollhouse. Dushku's taken a lot of lumps for consistently being the weakest link in her own show. Playing passive is not her thing but this last batch of shows is going a long way to wiping the stain from her name. I'm getting a last-days-of Angel vibe: that show flopped around like a dead fish for at least a season and a half--I blame Kartheiser-- but then revived and depussified Spike, turned Fred into Illyria and enjoyed a fantastic final run. Time capsule moment: Alan Tudyk's delivery of "Also, Python!"
CC: Time capsule moment: Alan Tudyk doing anything, ever. Aaaaaahhhh. It's a Firefly-lover's dream, these Alpha appearances. Also, um, Tahmoh with his shirt off. Is not a bad way to spend some TV time. Kartheiser totally redeemed himself with Pete Campbell, by the way. And Angel's revival most certainly includes the muppet episode, which I am saying just because I want everyone to know that I have Muppet Vamp Angel sitting on my couch at work. Oh! I loved when they exploded that guy. I literally said a delighted "Wow!" when they exploded that guy.

Jersey Shore

JB: No drop-off in quality whatsoever. Angelina's early exit hurts but is mitigated by the brief introduction of her best friends Alana and Elena (Girls picking similarly named friends: is this becoming a thing? Discuss). The Situation eulogizjng her a as a half-ass firecracker ("She fizzled out real quick!"). Schnoopy and her friend Ryder: worst party girls ever! Schnoops getting sloppy in the hot tub. Eating a pickle. ("She's like a whole other level with pickles'). Sammi and Ronny getting romantic on the mini-golf course. The Situation acting like a whiny bitch around them. Ronnie's sensational dancefloor moves. ("I don't know where I get it from!"). It's amazing to think that The Hills squeezed something like six seasons out of "Is Heidi gonna be there?", while this thing is just bubbling over with stuff. And next week: face punch!
CC: Ah, but NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Say it with me, because this next piece of info is going to have you tearing your hair out in horror: apparently because of complaints or whatever, they pulled the face-punching thing. Seriously. Read about it here:

So You Think You Can Dance

JB: My interest faded over the past few weeks, but the semis were like a mini-movie. They had:
Sex: I can't believe no one on that panel screamed,"Kathryn, that was cha-cha-chanatstic!" So I'll do it. She was hot, bendy and agile. There's no higher praise.
More Sex: These last few shows Cat's looked like she's just rolled out of bed. She was especially giggly and gropey this week.
Violence: Wow, Travis Wall, you came up with that idea about married assassins assigned to kill each other all by yourself? Fun routine and knowing how squirrely Fox is about the delicate sensibilities of their tiny tot audience, I'm surprised it got on the air.
Sabotage: NappyTab must have dug deep in their magic box of terrible ideas to dredge up a routine that would effectively destroy the momentum the Mr & Mrs Smith dance gave Legenore. That alien number was like something you'd see outside a mall.
Heartbreak: Ashleigh--who's Been Through So Much And Has Come So Close-- hurts her arm and can't dance.
Sacrifice: Ryan begs America to vote for his one-armed wife.
Crushed Dreams: Mollee flames out. And gets kicked while she's down TWICE! Before her exit, there was this incredible moment where Shankman tried to console her for being in the bottom two by explaining that America had stopped loving her and then seguing into a celebration of Kathryn and the great night she was having and how she was the new Jeanine. Totally oblivious to the effect he was having on Mollee.
Triumph: America votes for Ashleigh. A married couple will dance at the finals!
CC: That cha-cha, while being fairly light on the actual cha-cha, was the hottest ballroom they've had since season 3 Lacey/Danny samba. I watched that thing like a zillion times. Kathryn was sexy and sassy, Ryan was of course partnering like nobody's business, and that final pose ruled. I heart Legacy but was one of the people he lost evvvvver-so-slightly with the phone thing (I voted for Kathryn because I was worried about her being in the bottom 2 from before), so when Ryan made it through instead of him, instead of going "He WUZ ROBBED!" I was more like "He was perhaps maybe a tad bit burgled hey now we get to see Ryan and Ashleigh dance together." That NappyTabs hip-hop was a travesty. That Korean girlpop group was a SUPERtravesty (also, I have been informed that Korean girlpop groups are essentially, for really. Can anyone confirm or deny?). Santa Russell with bear was the cutest thing ever.
JB: Wait, you're implying new K-pop sensation HAM are underage sex workers? That's a serious allegation. (Yes, HAM: )

Friday Night Lights

JB: If there's one thing Friday Night Lights is good at, it's goodbyes. The farewells to Smash and, especially, Street, were both killers. This one felt a little off. Despite the show trying to rewrite history, Matt wasn't staying in Dillon for Julie, he was doing it for his grandma. And we shouldn't have been denied an awkward, mumbling goodbye before he drove off. Same with our last look at Lyla Garrity. Nice to see her ride the bull but we've already watched them go separate ways. Funny how Tyra never even got a goodbye scene yet she's still messing up Landry's love life. Best line of the night? Riggins: "Shut up, Becky"
CC: Yeah, I expected to be TOTALLY WRECKED by Saracen leaving, and I kind of was, and it was almost nice to not be as totally wrecked as last week because my god, last week, still digging out from all that wreckage, but...yeah, they coulda done a more openly "we are gonna fuck with your emotions" job with it. I too was tripped up a little by the retcon issues re: grandma/Julie, and Lyla coming back and hooking up with Riggins and then leaving again was just...well, let's face it, all I can picture now re: Minka Kelly is Jeter. But Secret Gay Coach is rapidly becoming the best thing ever, and if I could have J.D. McCoy in front of me right now so that I could crush his skull with a rock, it would be a happy holiday season indeed.


JB: Racing to the end of all it's terrible storylines before the four-month hiatus which, I pray, will cure me of my belated infatuation with this rubbish. If nothing else, please come up with some sort of character for the black girl beyond her pointing out that she's black.
CC: I don't know about Mr. Schue and Cute Redhead getting together because I'm not too into Cute Redhead getting together with that level of smarm (seriously...what happened to that guy since the pilot?). Also, the big solo ballad had to be Don't Rain On My Parade? Lea Michele blew it out, obviously, but...really? REALLY? That said, I'm still gonna freak in a fangirly fashion over Idina Menzel (IDINA FUCKING MENZEL!!!) joining the cast this spring. Also, full disclosure, I met Puck at a party and he is SUPER nice and smoking hot. I would flip out more about this but I'm trying very hard to be Hollywood-jaded and chill.

Saturday Night Live

JB: Damn you, Lautner, I had money riding on you taking your shirt off within the first five seconds. Not only did you let me down, you did a.. sort of okay job. Plus you were a good sport during the Twilight sketch which almost veered into fan-mocking territory but pussied out. My second favorite Taylor hosting job of the season. Unless they can nail down that elusive Taylor Dayne booking. (Replace with the Taylor reference of your choice)
CC: How about...COACH TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D And Mrs. Coach! That would rule. By the way, did not realize Lautner could do all those flips and such. Let's get him together with Legacy, LXD, and Quest and make this fantasy flip-off of mine happen.

Dogs 101
CC: There was an episode all about puppies this week. The whole thing was footage of puppies running around doing stuff. As you can imagine, this necessitated a lot of yelling at the TV, things like "What?!" and "SHUT. UP." and "OH MY GOD" and "What the FUCK?!" Yes, cuteness creates anger and swearing sometimes. These are facts.
JB: I'm half-surprised someone hasn't made a Cute Overload TV show. And half-grateful.
CC: I would watch that show.

Top Chef
CC: It was one of those things where I totally didn't think I cared who won until the moment RIGHT BEFORE they announced which Voltaggio it was gonna be, when I found myself suddenly rooting very, VERY hard for Bryan. Awww. Oh well. Michael's reaction was cute, so there's that. Like, of course they gave it to the brash tatted-up guy who makes better TV,, Bryan! Okay, I'm over it.

X- Factor

JB: Here's the winning kid duetting with George Michael. After that, I will provide moist towelettes because you will feel soiled.
CC: Okay. So that kid is basically like they took those freak twins who got booted a few weeks back and crossed them with Taylor Lautner. Which means that somebody definitely got wolfsexed backstage after the show. That person was George Michael.

Monday, December 7, 2009

You And Me Could Write A Bad TV Club

It's back and, as ever, it's also available for your viewing pleasure at

Friday Night Lights

JB: I think you might have prematurely shot your wad last week because THIS is the episode that deserves all the superlatives and the tears. Zach Gilford did not have a moment when he wasn't incredible. Freaking out at the army guy who called his dad a prankster. Breaking down at the Taylor dinner table. Looking inside the coffin. Telling the supermarket story. Shoveling dirt on the coffin till his hands bled. Can't imagine seeing better acting on TV. Also noted: Coach Taylor back to calling Landry Lance again.
CC: Zach Gilford FTmotherfuckingW. Even if he never acts again, which he totally will, it doesn't matter, because he's done this episode. I cannot believe that every single person having anything to do with this show is not already drowning in a giant pile of Emmys, dead of multiple puncture wounds from all the dozens and dozens of pointy, shiny, ridonkulously well-deserved golden wings.


JB: Now? Now, when there's only four other people watching and a smattering of episodes left, now you decide to become a show that's worth watching? Now you're Prison Break meets Invasion Of The Body Snatchers? So much good stuff here: Dushku back in something-approaching-Faith mode, Victor as Topher, Topher and Bennett, glasses on a chain, the icy blonde handler (played by an actress named Stacey Scowley which would be an awesome name for a doll aimed at emo tots) and next week Alpha's back.
CC: Yup, the show is in its official death throes, but continues to BRING IT, entertainment-wise. I am lame and totally did not see the twist of Alexis Denisof being the doll. Also, awwww to Summer Glau and Topher's supercute weird nerdy fucked up geeky "let's lamely flirt but also maybe kick each other's ass" delightfulness! And once again: ENVER GJOKAJ. Jesus. Him as Topher? Come on. Seriously, what the fuck did this guy do in his audition? How did Joss KNOW? Other fantastic moments: the thing with Topher sheepishly explaining his much lamer hooker brain, Adelle's line as she twisted Ray Wise's balls, of course the glasses thing, and "I'm excited and scared." Love it. LOVE IT. Sad to see it go soon.
JB: The Denisof twist: I KNOW! Funny how we fell for that in the very first minute of the very first Buffy --with the girl being terrified of the guy before she turns out to be the vamp--and we're still falling for it.

Jersey Shore

JB: "As far as I know, everybody loves The Situation and if you don't love The Situation I'm gonna make you love The Situation."
"I am a bartender. I do great things."
"I love the poof. It's Guidette."
"The Situation's like, I think we got a situation"
"The party's in Pauly D's pants tonight"
"I will cut your hair while your sleeping"
The situation is, I'm gonna get sloppy on Ron-Ron juice and pre-order The Guido Handbook. This show gave me pink eye. In a good way.
CC: This is the greatest show ever in the history of television entertainment. If you didn't watch it, go commit suicide (just kidding...go watch it, and then, even if you were planning on committing suicide, you will not, because the promise of more episodes will give you reason to live). I cannot tell you how many times I have rewound and/or quoted that thing about JWoww having to leave the club early because she didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend but also because she felt like eating ham and drinking water. HAM AND WATER. These things are clearly very important, and I know that now, and will apply such knowledge to my own life. *goes to buy ham*

Steven Seagal Lawman

JB: I don't even know where to start with this mess. Seagal's a wreck: he's weatherbeaten and bloated, he's always out of breath, he's got a folded-up face like an old bulldog. So what's his plan to divert attention from the fact that he looks way worse than all the other cops in the unit he rides around with? The hair. There wasn't much of it in Above The Law. It was beating an even hastier retreat in Hard To Kill. But on the criminal streets of Jefferson Parish, he's got a full head of inky black hair that starts in a vampiric widow's peak and then continues in an untended thicket. He continually voiceovers that his years of martial arts training make him perfect for the job but anytime there's trouble, he's standing way behind all the other officers, clutching a torch and wheezing. And then there's the thing that comes out of his mouth. That sound. In Marked For Death it was a Brooklynesque bada-boom bada-bing. In Under Siege, he was working kind of a Zen Redneck fusion. Here he has a different accent for every occasion. When he's schooling the other cops in the way of the martial arts master, he's softly-spoken and enigmatic. When he's on patrol, he sounds like Bobby Boucher in The Waterboy. When he's reading the miscreants of the almost-all- black Jefferson Parish their rights, he's all "I'm gonna axe you one mo time, homes,where the drugs be at?"

Launch My Line

JB: Bravo is Jon. Project Runway is Kate. The Fashion Show was Hailey Glassman and this thing is whatever random skank Jon starts pounding out next.(It made sense in my head) I'm not saying Bravo will never manage to come up with a fashion competition to fill the Runway void but it won't be this one. Bad hosting choice with the D Squared twins: two Mr. Jays does not equal one Tyra.
CC: I tivoed this for the sole reason that Dan Karaty is on it and he used to be on SYTYCD but then I remembered I didn't really like him on SYTYCD so I didn't watch it.
JB: Almost forgot one indelible moment burned into my brain. One of the over-excited line-launchers yells out "Now THAT'S What I'm talking about!" and, simultaneously, launches a visible gob of spittle that splatters onto the bare shoulder of the woman directly in front who then WINCES. If that had happened on Runway? Tim Gunn. Would. Have. Died. Literally. Heart stopped. Dead.

So You Think You Can Dance
JB: Mollee seemed a little less infantile this week due to A) having Russell as a partner and B) The fact that we couldn't see her cabbage patch face during the entirety of the first routine. Close proximity to Nathan actually de-hotted Kathryn. Your Judges had almost three months worth of backed-up dance-jizz they couldn't hold in anymore so they spooged all over Jakob AKA The Winner and Ellenore. Yeah, they were good but if that was the most memorable dance of the season, this has been a piss-poor excuse for a hastily cobbled-together season.
CC: That WAS the most memorable dance of the season, and I would TOTALLY put it up against the greatest hits of some of the other seasons! A hearty YES to Sonya/Jakob/Ellenore. KICKASS, was what that was. Could totally tell within 5 seconds that it was gonna be worth an instant rewatch. So great. SO GREAT. Kathryn rocked that Broadway like nobody's business; she is so the Jeanine of this year. Also, I was just beginning to mentally apologize for buying into the whole eating disorder rumor about Ashleigh when they said her mystery illness was some fucked up tropical parasite, until they showed her MOM and then I was too busy trying to decipher that hair situation, because WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT HAIR SITUATION? LOVED seeing Quest on the results show by the way, and HOLY SHIT to that middle part of the LXD performance with those three guys flipping all over the place (Steve from Quest maybe just got served...I wouldn't say no to a crazy dance-off-flip-off between all those guys). Oh, and also a Zach Gilford/Enver Gjokaj act-off. Which I know has nothing to do with SYTYCD.


JB: I've been a stranger to Glee (both the show and the emotion) but I caught up with it this week and I thank the God of the Jews that there is only one episode left before it vanishes for four months. Because this series is bad for me. It maroons me in that place between a shudder and a tear (which I think was the title of an old Cocteau Twins album. Is that too archaic a reference? Replace with the whiney mopers of your choice). I mean, the deaf choir? I started off cringing at that through the cracks in my fingers. Halfway through, my hands were still over my eyes but for pathetically different reasons. Plus, I started playing the Sectionals drinking game and am now a raging alcoholic.
CC: Here's me and Glee: watched the pilot. Loved it. Watched the 2nd ep. Didn't love it as much. Started watching the third, came to the conclusion that the only thing I really care about is the musical numbers, have watched every ep since then by fastfording through anything that's not singing. It's not a bad way to go. And do I own some of the songs? Yes I do. Maybe I've listened to Defying Gravity like 8 million times. Maybe I've pumped up Take a Bow and No Air in the car. I don't know. Maybe I sing along. That's not the point. They still haven't topped the awesomeness of Don't Stop Believin', and I fear they never will. We'll see.
JB: Same for me with Somebody To Love, the Halo/Walking On Sunshine coupling and the bitchy cheerleader's rather lovely rendition of I say A Little Prayer. I will, however, donate all the money I didn't pay to download them if it will stop Mr Shue ever rapping again.

CC: Eh. I liked the UPS thing and that totally wtf last thing. I registered that Rihanna was wearing chain mail. Blake Lively has very pretty hair and seemed like she was having fun. Can we talk some more about Zach Gilford and Enver Gjokaj?
JB: I have not watched live commercials in over two and a half years. This gives me the self-obsessed authority to proclaim that Tivo has destroyed commercial parodies. (Although that turns out not to be true: something like 80% of DVR owners DON'T fast-forward through commercials? What the fuck, America? Wall-E was so right!) That Rihanna/ Shy Ronnie short: better than anything on her album. (Although I always think that about The Lonely Island stuff: it's so laser-precise and the production is fantastic and then I hear it without the visuals and it's just alright...)

Alice on SyFy channel
CC: I'm only like 10 minutes into this and I'm already TOTALLY overthinking it. Like, a guy named Jack gets dragged into a white van that drives away and I'm like oh! Jackrabbit? White van? He's the White Rabbit! Then two minutes later there is literally a door with a picture of a white rabbit on it AND the words "white rabbit." Then Alice runs into this weird fisherman wearing a fisherman hat and I'm like okay, he's wearing a hat and he's weird, maybe he's the Mad Hatter. Then two minutes later she runs into a guy who's also wearing a hat and is like "You wanna know why they call me Hatter?" *sigh*
JB: One last note on this Very Special Tribute To Zach Gilford. Don't, whatever you do, make the mistake of renting/purchasing/ downloading a tragically poor -non-comedy(non-com?) called Post Grad where he plays the Ultimate Pussy Platonic Best Friend Desperate To Be Boyfriend. Just don't.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Overlooked....Actually Not.

I'd read a lot about Bandslam: how it was the worst-marketed movie of the decade,how putting Vanessa Hudgens front and centre in the posters and trailers was both misleading and a doomed attempt to lure in the High School Musical consumer, how it was an undiscovered gem waiting to be found by audiences who would then clutch it to their heart and how it was one of the great lost teen movies. And now I've seen it.

There's only once thing I'd like to add to the hail of criticism facing the marketing of this movie. Why didn't Summit, the mini-major swimming in Twilight profits, invest in a box of crystal balls? That way they could have foreseen the success of Glee and delayed the release of Bandslam so people might have been fooled into thinking they were getting another fun, heartwarming and uplifting teen musical competition saga. Which they're not. What they would have been getting had they gone to see it which they were smart or oblivious enough not to was a worshipful portrait of a mumbling, awkward, music-obsessed outsider who inspires a disparate bunch of high school nobodies to form a band. I applaud the decision to cast a real-looking kid rather than an underwear model as the mumbling hero. But this guy, who is in every second of every scene of Bandslam, is excruciating. He is a charisma-repellent.He brings absolutely nothing to the role. But barely a minute goes by without someone telling the guy, or us, how amazing he is, how he's such a visionary, what a big heart he has, how he's changed their lives. He's held in such high regard because of his all-encompassing knowledge of music. He shoots off daily emails about his life to David Bowie, he reveres the Velvet Underground and regards CBGB's as his Vatican. But what he really likes? The music that really talks to him? Ska. Watered-down ska, especially. There's so much terrible stuff here: Aly Michalka's entire unbelievable arc. Lisa Kudrow's face. The climactic high school battle of the bands(watered-down ska saves the day!) As it turns out, the best-- and I'm stretching the definition of best-- thing in the whole film is Vanessa Hudgens. Her character might as well be called Ally Sheedyinthebreakfastclub but at least she's better than you expect. Everything else is far far worse.