Friday, November 6, 2009

TV Club Returns!!

You might have assumed I'd have given this up by now. But unlike Coach Eric Taylor, I'm no quitter. If you don't take into consideration all the times I've quit. But once again, my YA colleague Cherry Chevapravatdumrong-- whose Family Guy episode airs this Sunday-- and myself watch TV:

So You Think You Can Dance

JB: Ryan and Ellenore, Legacy and Kathryn, Latin chick so hot she makes Shankman re-assess his sexual orientation: I got love for all y'all but you better move out the way or you're gonna get squashed under the tween-fuelled Mollee and Nathan juggernaut. I also hail the return of the deep-thinking artist that is Wade Robson. By an amazing coincidence there used to be another choreographer named Wade Robson; he even had own MTV show, `The Wade Robson Project', but that guy was NOTHING like the one we now know. The goofy thing about Wade's Van Gogh dance is, if he'd told the couple they'd be playing Space Invaders or kernels of popcorn the routine would have been exactly the same. Brilliant reverse psychology from Lythgoe. After last season's Katie Holmes' fiasco, he's making it seem like procuring the services of Paula Abdul is almost impossible. Dude, we could probably get Paula Abdul to guest-blog here with the promise of a tap shoe filled with Klonopin.
CC: Legacy/Kathryn is totally my stealth power couple. I was all set to hate Legacy. Like, I'm totally obsessed with Russell, who needs to be unshackled from Squeaky Voice McGee, stat, and I was ambitiously trying to leap ahead of the masses and get in on the ground floor with Victor Smalley, who I swear is this year's answer to Danny from season 3, but then here come Legacy and Kathryn, killing it last week and again this week. By the way, will someone please explain Nathan's surprise stomach fat? He's such a pretty boy that I totally thought he would have a sixpack and instead he's veering much closer to Kasprzak territory.

Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew

JB: You know the biggest enemy of the semen-stained wretches checking in at the camera-shy doc's Pasadena hellhole? It's not the internet. It's not their neglectful parents. It's HD! I have never seen such a brutal parade of adult acne. There isn't an inmate whose skin doesn't look like the surface of Mars. Except for lovely swimsuit model, Amber Smith, veteran of Celebrity Rehab and Sober House. She's rotting on the inside.


JB: Meh, except for Morena Baccarin. And speaking of freakish, lizard-skinned alien women:

Tabatha's Salon Takeover:

JB: The Real Housewives, Rachel Zoe, Jackie Warner, Kathy Griffin and now this addition to Bravo's gallery of grotesques. John Waters can die happy knowing someone's carrying on the proud tradition he started in the 70s. Seriously, once Tabatha's done reducing stylists to tears and IBS, she needs to start hunting down inept Australian plastic surgeons, starting with the one who did THAT to her face.

Mad Men

JB: Remember that show American Dreams? Set in the 60s? Suburban American family learning valuable lessons as significant historical events unfold around them. Lots of montages set to `The Times They Are A-Changing'. Desperately sappy. The JFK episode was the first, and hopefully last, time Mad Men made me think of that series. In more exciting news, one of the unemployed actors from my gym finally got a job! He played the bandleader at Roger Sterling's bridezilla daughter's wedding.
CC: Oh no, JFK died. Blah blah blah blah blah MORE JOAN AND ROGER PLZKTHX. I didn't even get into this show until this year and I basically want to put John Slattery in a box and just watch him do mundane stuff, like order food off menus. AWESOME TRIVIA: he and January Jones were both in Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights, which I know because I may or may not have seen it in the theater opening weekend, by which I mean I totally saw it in the theater opening weekend.
JB: EVEN MORE AWESOME TRIVIA. I wrote the first draft of Havana Nights when it was supposed to star Ricky Martin and Natalie Portman. The script was, obviously, spectacular but there were creative differences with the studio who failed to get behind my artistic vision of filling every page with gay jokes about the leading man.

X Factor

JB: In Britain, this show gets an audience of upward of 15 million. At 8pm on a Saturday night. (The UK version of Dancing With The Stars is opposite. It comes close to 11 million. That's actually more people than there are in the entire country since swine flu). Let's watch the most popular act:

And next week, they do the Ghostbusters theme!

CC: Why have I not learned my lesson yet about clicking on these links you keep sending me with these two douches? My eyes, they must be gouged out. Now. *runs off to gouge*

Top Model
CC: On the one hand, I enjoy when they get a legit model to come in and give legit advice. On the other hand, it was Marisa Miller, who is hot or whatever, but also incredibly boring and has a bizarre boob-to-arm-fat ratio happening. Like, there should really be more arm fat on a person with that much boob. The whole effect is just disconcerting. You agree, don't you, all the boys who keep buying her SI swimsuit issues? No? Just me? Backwoods Bundchen (TM JB) FTW still!
JB: This boob/arm paradox intrigues me [rewatches in slo-mo,forwards frame-by-frame,fast-forwards to the bit where the mod-ettes jump in the water and then roll around in the sand,rewinds] Can't be certain. More research required.

Friday Night Lights
CC: I can't even fucking deal with how much I love this show. I seriously practically cried when Landry said the first "can't lose" during the season premiere. Everyone who does not love this show deserves to be shot in the face.
JB: I heart it too, fellow DirecTV customer. The East Dillon storyline is awesome and makes Saint Tami into a bit of a turd. Really wish they'd have found a way to give Saracen a happy ending and write him out. Having him hanging around makes my heart hurt. L'chaim to Riggins and Landry on the event of their upcoming disastrous relationships.

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