Friday, November 20, 2009

TV Club: It's Better Than Reading!

Just squeaking in under the wire before some of this stuff passes it's sell-by date here's more valid opinions from Cherry and myself. The Prisoner review is my own personal January Jones moment but it's been a trying week. I promise I'll make more of an effort in the future. (Promise not a binding contract.)
SNL
CC: Good lord, what a travesty. Taylor Swift, I hereby apologize for everything I said last week. And everything I may say in the future (might as well cover all bases).
JB: Jon Hamm is ruining January Jones' real and fictional life. His SNL debut last year was a triumph of almost Swiftian proportions. Remember Jon's Hamm's john ham? Remember his James Mason impression? Remember the Mad Men sketch where John Slattery and Elisabeth Moss appeared? That was the first time Elisabeth Moss met Fred Armisen and now they're married! So, not just a great appearance, a life-changing one. And what will we remember about JanJones? Most Desperately Unsalvagable Monologue Ever and the Farting Grace Kelly Hall Of Famer.


Top Model
CC: Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID LAURA NOT WIN? HOW DID LAURA NOT WIN? *foot stomp* That's just wrong. WRONG! And what will her GRANDMA THINK? You suck, Tyra! Aaaaa! (I don't know why I'm so bummed since I watch every episode of this show on fast-forward except for the actual modeling segments, but still...come on. Laura. Should be the winner. On the other hand, last cycle's winner was Teyona, so that in and of itself pretty much explains where the judges' heads can sometimes be, which is crazyland.)
JB: Misdirection, thy name is Banks. The whole show was a prelude to a Laura win. She conquered dyslexia-- seriously, Lash Blast is the model Rural Juror-- she wept at the thought of Granny, she sailed down the runway, the judges swooned over her transformative abilities BUT NICOLE ATE LUNCH ALONE IN THE TOILET. And that touched something in Tyra who, lest we forget, was herself an awkward gangly insectoid teenage freak.
What will fill the void in our lives until the next cycle? I have a suggestion. Go to your DVR, find BBC America, inch forward to Dec 1 and record the entire season--relax, it's only four episodes-- of Britain's Missing Top Model. That's right, disabled models. Disabled models declaring "I'm not here to make friends." The bitchy cripple ganging up on the deaf girl because `she's not really disabled'. A girl with a prosthetic arm getting drunk off her ass and hitting on one of the judges. I have seen this show and, once again, if I have to pay you actual American money to get you to watch it, I will. (Just to clarify, I won't)


Friday Night Lights.
CC: Yes! The return of Buddy Garrity! I'm gonna have to get me an East Dillon T-shirt. I say this because I have a Dillon Football shirt and obviously that's an affiliation that's not gonna work for me anymore, just like it doesn't work for Buddy Garrity anymore, bless his sweaty, red-faced heart. LOVE HIM. Not so sure about this Saracen/ornery artist storyline, but I'll go with it. CANNOT STAND the chick who keeps asking Riggins for a ride to school, but again, I'll go with it, because the FNL people can do no wrong, and by do no wrong I mean they did a little bit wrong with that jacked-up season 2 murder storyline, but other than that, everything about this show is what's right and good in the world.

SYTYCD
CC: Bored now. *sigh* Thank you, Legacy's abs, for providing a bright spot in what otherwise is rapidly becoming an ongoing series of Tuesday night "meh"s. Except for Cat Deeley's super shiny dress! Loved that super-shiny dress. I have a theory that I might fit into her dresses because although she is way thinner, I am much shorter, so maybe it all works out, but obviously there will never be a way to test this theory. Look at this, I'm reduced to talking about the clothes on this show instead of the actual dancing, because that's how far we've fallen. Fuck! And I LOVE this show! I want to get excited about it! Do something, Nigel! I just checked his twitter and he said "It's a really good show tonight I think we're back on track?" No! You aren't! GET THERE!

JB: Let's look inside the mind of Shankman re Ryan and Ellenore: "She's a little odd and quirky. He's a roided-out behemoth. They shouldn't work, at first they didn't work but together they made magic. He grounds her, she makes him seem less of a lunkhead. It's Step Up 7! " Having said that...Team Legaryn!
Vintage Lythgoe: telling MolNat they were suffering from Survivor's Guilt like they'd samba'd their way out of Auschwitz
Also, is reprobate becoming Cat's smize? (Oh, and nice Van Halen solo, Chloe from 24)

The Prisoner

JB: "Hey, we're remaking The Prisoner!"
"AWESOME! It's totally the right time to bring it back. That story was nowhere near done. So what happens this time? Are the two brothers in separate prisons and they have to escape and meet in the middle?"
"That's Prison Break. Check this out: we've got Gandalf and The Christ! I mean, holy fuck, right? They're gonna have to rename the Emmys, the Prizzies!"
"Hold up, wasn't The Prisoner that weirdo 60s show with that angry guy running around shouting at people? Wasn't it sort of camp and jokey?"
"No one's gonna laugh at our version. It's slow and meandering and really really boring. It's got Best Drama written all over it! See you at the Prizzies!"

Doctor Who: Waters Of Mars

JB: David Tennant may be about to hand over the keys to the Tardis and move on to become the next Hugh Laurie ( don't hold me to that in case it doesn't happen) but before he goes, he's going to act the shit out of every second of screen time he's got left. The story was some old tosh about water zombies taking over the crew of a Martian base but it was really an excuse for Tennant to go from Jovial and Boisterous to Stoic to Compassionate to Action Guy to Arrogant Space Deity to Sniveling Fearful Death-Sensing Wreck to Feisty Smartass Ready To Go Out In A Blaze Of Glory. (You ever watch this, Cherry? You any sort of fan?If not, I recommend you get up to speed. There's only 47 years worth of episodes to plough through)
CC: The only thing I know about this show is that it is not Samantha Who? and also that it had a theme song and/or opening credits that as a child I found vaguely disturbing, and maybe Doctor Who *possibly* looks like David Bowie as Jareth in Labyrinth, or maybe I am totally making all of this up.

Misfits

JB:A motley crue of binge-drinking, drug-guzzling rampant UK shaggers get caught in a freak hailstorm and acquire budget-appropriate superpowers. One hears thoughts. One sees the future. One becomes invisible. One gets the ability to make guys squirt in their pants. Yup, it's Heroes-meets-Skins. The deal to do the watered-down, vice-free US remake was probably done by the time I finished the previous sentence. The good news about that: the CW will cast underwear models which will only be an improvement on the rough-looking Brits. The bad news about that: dialogue unlikely to include gems like "Ah'll kick yer so `ard in the coont yer moom'll feel it!"
I might actually be imagining this show due to the amount of antibiotics I'm on since breaking my two front teeth earlier this week. No I'm not. It's real. Here's what it looks like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODl- kAhVsXY&feature=PlayList&p=3F67F57BE7F306D4&index=6&playnext=4&playnext_from=PL

X-Factor

JB: It was Queen week which meant one thing: an audience member yelled Fuck Off! at Dannii Minogue. It also meant that Cowell diverted attention from his status as Britain's Most Hated by declaring fatwa on Sting who had earlier accused the X of ruining music( go make another lute album, Sting, that'll turn things around)
This'll mean nothing to you but midway through,the stage is invaded by Scots-born electro-pop producer Calvin Harris who holds a pineapple on top of his head. The outraged UK media immediately forgot they hated Cowell and the Leprechauns O'Doom and instantly branded Harris Britain's Most Hated. And in case you think this high stakes singing competition is in any way pandering to the L.O'D and their particular skillset, next week's theme: The Music Of Wham!

Tough Love

JB: "Hey, VH-1 here. Guess what, all you strippers, video vixens and shot girls we picked to share hot tubs and herpes sores with Bret Michaels these past few years: YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING WHORES!!!!! No man will ever want you. You're going to wind up barren alone and insane. Unless you sign up for our new matchmaking show Tough Love and get yelled at by some bug-eyed dude who only calls you a slut because he cares. Thanks. Bye"

2 comments:

Tez Miller said...

"Ah'll kick yer so `ard in the coont yer moom'll feel it!"

Just reading it is hilarious - must be even more of a hoot in audio ;-)

James Greer said...

One of the best parts about this episode TV Club is the way the fonts keep changing and sometimes there are different colors. Also, I heard that the X-Factor sound guy quit b/c he was asked to turn Jedward's vocals down so low (even during the rapping!) as to be inaudible. Of course, I also heard Martin Amis got his teeth fixed years ago, and apparently that's some kind of urbane legend (see what I did there?). Also, Queen is my favorite band ever. Also, hows come on the countless teasers for Misfits they NEVER ONCE mentioned anything about superpowers? I watched The Queen in 3D with my Sainsbury 3D specs instead. Download that!