Thursday, November 12, 2009

Is That A TV Club In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Leave It To Lamas?

How about that for a quick turnaround. Once again, Cherry Chevapravatdumrong and myself fritter away the best years of our lives on the week's TV shows. (I don't mean it like it's a bad thing...) As ever, TV Club is simulcast--simulblogged?-- at Cherry's site which has a nicer layout but no pictures which, this week, is a big minus. Or plus.

Project Runway
CC: So we're almost to the finale, and...zzzzzz oh my god, I'm so sorry to have fallen asleep when this is the most BORING SEASON OF THIS SHOW BY FAR. Christ. Do something. Do anything. If I had known earlier that getting a weird weak smile from Gordana when I saw her at the Emmys was going to be the most exciting moment of the whole season, I would've made more of it (like gone up to her instead of just staring) (just kidding, I never go up to celebrities, I'm far too shy...I was once at a bar with Alan Tudyk during the heyday of Firefly and I just stood there, right next to him, and said nothing like a dumbass). Tim Gunn still RULES, of course. LOVE YOU TIM!

JB: Carol Hannah:


Mad Men
CC: That was awesome.

JB: Wow. Don Draper a single man at the cusp of the sexual revolution. Betty stumbling blindly into the arms of another father figure she doesn't know, oblivious to the seething volcano of resentment and future dysfunction building up inside her daughter. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Roger and Joan working together again. Pete and Peggy sharing desks. Season 4, you have my account.

Saturday Night Live
JB: Least fast-forwardable show of the season courtesy of the delightful Taylor Swift. Funny how pop stars consistently turn out to be upper-echelon hosts: Timberlake, Britney, Christina Aguilera and now T-Swift. She's a multi-talent, a shining example to today's wayward youth and a good sport. (Please, Cherry, don't write a Family Guy episode poking cruel fun at an overachieving, somewhat self-satisfied, thin-voiced quasi-country singing beanpole called something like Whaler Spit. I forbid it. She's been through enough. Don't do it.)

CC: Okay, it is ridiculous how much the media is creaming themselves over her when she was, like, competent at best. She was no JT. She wasn't even ScarJo in "Fly High Duluth." I won't say that she can't sing because that is obvious. I won't say that she was completely unnecessary in that prison sketch that everybody just watches to see how soon Kenan will cause Hader to crack, because that is obvious. I will say that she is a weird giantess whose sheer height fucked up that roommate sketch because the sight of her wrapping her spindly arms around the much-smaller Nasim Pedrad made it so they didn't look like roommates, but more like a praying mantis trapping and eating an ant. You're two feet taller than Kanye, Taylor, next time just take him down right in the moment and we can all move on much faster.

JB: Sorry, couldn't read that last bit. Something in my eye. I think it's cream.

The Wanda Sykes Show
JB: Fox is notoriously the home of the two worst late night talk show hosts in the history of history, Chevy Chase and Magic Johnson but now they've hired Wanda Sykes who is unfailingly funny and smart and... THE STREAK CONTINUES!!! Endless, wooden monologue, nowhere near as memorable as Taylor's `La la la ha ha ha' (Don't mock her! I'm adamant!), a slow-motion joke-free Weekend Update xerox and then a 30 minute current affairs discussion with a liquored-up panel that included Phil Keoghan (sp) and Mary-Lynn Rajskub (sp) who interacted like they were sitting in the dentist's waiting room. Other than that, I LOVED IT!

The X-Factor
JB: The whole of the UK is up in arms about last week's show and by the whole of the UK, I mean the segment gorging itself senseless on an endless diet of celebrity trivia and brain-numbing trash, so...THE WHOLE OF THE UK IS UP IN ARMS OVER LAST WEEK'S SHOW! Here's why:

At the results show sing-off Simon Cowell had the power to vote these cheeky little leprechauns off the series. Instead, he caused their nearest competitor, a sweet but drippy Welsh girl to get the boot thus reducing her to floods of tears. The national outrage has been so demented that Cowell has been forced to schedule a presidential address on next week's show defending his reasons for keeping the evil twins around. And yet, last week had an even more surreal moment. An argument that I don't have the energy to explain-- it would make life so much easier if you would start Bit Torrenting the X (or do you have ethical objections?)--put Cowell in the position of having to defend Harmony Korine's movie Gummo.

CC: Jonathan, you have officially broken me. I kind of loved this. From the ridiculous headbopping at the beginning to the cheerful "Scary!" in the middle to the half-assed Thriller dance towards the end. I surrender. It's over. I'm in. I die. (TM Rachel Zoe)

Cats 101
CC: This show exists. It's on Animal Planet and basically it's just people talking about various different breeds of cats WHILE THEY SHOW CATS AND KITTENS OF THOSE BREEDS ROMPING AROUND. There is another show called Dogs 101. Same idea. If you like cute animals, you will go fucking nuts watching these shows. You're welcome.

Dancing with the Stars
CC: The only part of this show I watch is the actual dancing. And only if the couple contains a former contestant from SYTYCD. And only if it's a dance I like. I don't really watch this show.

CC: Aw. My fave couple Legacy/Kathryn not that interesting this week. In fact, nobody that interesting this week. Hey, you know what was ESPECIALLY not interesting? Those clips where they tell us something America doesn't know about them and expect us to think it's some sort of big surprise. Wow, the really buff guy likes sports? REALLY? I NEVER WOULD'VE GUESSED. Actually you're right, I never would've guessed, because that guy is gay, even if he doesn't know it yet.

JB: I missed the majority of this show because time stood still once Peter the soon-to-be-ex Last Tapper Standing revealed he coached a special needs dance troupe. I now have a new favorite dance competition that takes place in my head and I think you know what it is and i think you know who's in it. Let's just say the Hot Tamale Train has ramps...

Top Chef
CC: Wow. I never thought they would have anyone on the show as remotely annoying as Mr. Champion of the Belabored Metaphor himself, Toby Young. Congratulations, Nigella! What the FUCK with comparing flan to a 17th century courtesan thigh? Come on. This is food we're talking about. Don't force me to picture a jiggly white slab leading to an old-timey syphilis vag.

JB: Syphilis Vag was the name of my prize-winning show, wait, Syphilis Vag was the most loyal pet a man ever still recall the summer vacations I spent in Syphilis Vag... feel free to chime in on this hilarious Syphilis Vag joke-off. Hello?

Top Model
JB: The Top 2wo are a trifecta of firsts: first two tiny little people, first two redheads (or gengies as we call them back in my home town of Glasgow, Scotland), first two underdogs. I'm okay with whoever wins. What I'm not okay with: Ann Shoket's face.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Best. Episode. Since. The. Last. One.