Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Give Thanks For TV Club!

The war against the machines has started and I'm losing! Three weeks ago, I related the sad story of my iPods expiring and malfunctioning within moments of each other. Last week, both my Powerbooks gave up the ghost. And today the DirecTV guy took my non-responsive DVR away and with it all the backed-up shows I hadn't ever managed to get around to watching. Those Season 3 Gossip Girl marathons? Not gonna happen. Sons Of Anarchy? Will never know if it's as good as they say? No Glee for me. It's a devastating loss but TV Club goes on (and, as ever, this fine feature is also available with no distracting layout issues at http://blogs.myspace.com/cherrycheva):
AMAs
CC: I watched this because I'm kind of obsessed with seeing if anybody's backup dancers are former SYTYCD contestants, and lo and behold, at the very end my eyes scoped out Courtney from season 4 dancing for Adam Lambert. Awesome. Was so delighted to see her that I almost didn't revel properly in the ridonkulousness of his performance, which included yanking on someone's vagina chain (who knew there was such a thing?) and then making out with the keyboard player, which all happened so fast I couldn't tell if the keyboard player was male or female, not that it mattered. Also, at one point during the show the camera showed someone who looked like if P. Diddy and Voldemort had a baby. If anybody knows who that was, hook a bitch up. By which I mean, please just tell me who that was, not actually hook me up, because see aforementioned note about Voldemort.
JB: Transgressive! Provocative! Electrifying! Adam Lambert was none of these things. What he was, was hellbent on being inaugurated as Lord Gaga. He flailed through that Big Cock Orgy like he'd just gobbled down two fistfuls of gay Ritalin ( to combat his GayDD!) J.Lo's living her career in reverse like Benjamin Button. Back when we were using dollar bills as Kleenex, she was all "Love Don't Cost A Thing'. Now we're eating day-old peanuts off the street and she's singing about expensive shoes. I'm going to nominate Kid Cudi as MVP solely based on him being the only one in a hallfull of whores with enough backbone to even slightly mock the stupid show.


Next Iron Chef
CC: Thank god Garces won. Mehta had a little too much of a maniacal "I might stab you in the eyeball if the ice cream machine doesn't work again" thing going on. Best quote of the night goes to Michael Symon for "If you're creative and you fail, are you creative or are you a failure?" Also, why does Jeffrey Steingarten have a piece of greenery hanging out of his mouth during EVERY shot of him? He looks like an old-timey cartoon brontosaurus.
JB: I am only dimly aware of this series but I am more brightly aware of the career of Mark Dacascos. I remember he had a shot as a capoiera Van Damme in a couple of big studio action movies. Then he was demoted into the world of low-budget cable kickboxing films. Things looked up when he took over the Brandon Lee role in the syndicated version of "The Crow". They looked down again for a while until his co-starring role in the French martial-arts werewolf art movie Brotherhood of the Wolf made him an actual box-office draw in Europe. And now he's the Chairman in Iron Chef. Which I don't really watch.


Friday Night Lights
CC: I can't even...I can't...this...aaaaagghhh! THIS WAS THE BEST EPISODE IN A LONG TIME. I wanna say EVER cuz I know it's close, but I can't guarantee that, and the only reason I can't is because this show is so fucking good like EVERY SINGLE TIME that it's practically impossible to separate anything out, but it's certainly the best ep so far this season. The gamut of emotions I ran in this ep went from :) to :)))) to :D to :O to *chills* to *more chills* to actual tears. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how these people do it, but I am so fucking glad they are doing it. This show owns me. THIS SHOW OWNS MY ASS. Basically it would be impossible for this show to rape me because I would willingly submit every single time.
JB: I think I'd have to be GHB'd because my attention was wandering during this ep. Except for the last five minutes. And the storyline with the little lesbian (was she in Landry's band at the end of last season? Seems like a different actress.) Oh, and Alicia Witt. The character's supposed to look all weathered and beat-up, right?

SNL

CC: Okay, I may be retroactively un-creaming myself slightly over Taylor Swift again, because THAT is how you host a show. I nearly died during Jack Johnson and the digital short and the triumphant return of What Up With That. I would want to become a celebrity just so I could be the random person sitting in that sketch and saying nothing. I would also like to go back in time and cast Joseph Gordon-Levitt in every single part that January Jones ever had, and that includes Random Skank in Love Actually, Random Bitch in Havana Nights, Willow’s sister in American Pie 3, and the thing Ashton Kutcher was banging ten years ago. Mad props, buddy. He must’ve been on crack when he did that monologue, and I mean that in the best of ways. He should really get together with Montell Jordan, go over to JJ’s house, and sing “This is How We Do It” in her face, but she probably wouldn’t get the reference.

JB: Anything musical worked this week (minus DMB, of course): Make Em Laugh, the Reba short, WUWT, Wilson Phillips breaking the tension at the end of Thanksgiving, Sussudio in Say Anything. I'd hold on to some of those stones you're throwing at the bloodied corpse of January Jones. Blake Lively is the next host. You'll need them...


X-Factor
JB: A nation mourned the end of an era as the Leprechauns O'Doom made their final appearance this week. But something smelled a little fishy about the final performance. Not the Wham! medley in the main show: that was well up to their usual standards. But when they found themselves in the bottom 2 and they had to sing for their lives in front of the judges, THIS happened:
Bear in mind: they're not singers. Singing is not what they do. Their rise to fame did not involve singing. Strong singing voices are not among their talents. I'm not in any danger of laboring the point here, am I? They're not singers and yet they willingly put themselves in that position? I call bullshit. But quietly. Not loud enough to bring them back...
CC: What the FUCK was that? I give myself 5 extra credit points for noticing that the piping color on their jackets was different. Other than that, I continue to be horrified...mystified...terrified... *cue What Up With That music*


VAMPIRE DIARIES
CC: Okay, my mind officially blown: they referenced both SYTYCD and Family Guy in like the first five minutes! HOW DELIGHTFUL! :D This show, by the way, is so much better than I thought it was gonna be (I'm a loyal Buffy fan so I was obligated to be skeptical at the beginning). But it has totally grown on me-- that thing last week where Stefan and Damon were being each other was hilarious.
JB: I will never be bored enough to watch this.


DWTS
CC: I didn't watch the intro segment so no idea if there's an explanatory backstory, but let me unleash my full dance show nerdery here and point out that parts of Dmitry & Mya's final freestyle routine were EXACT RETREADS of steps from Benji and Donyelle's routine to the same song on SYTYCD season 2. That is all. Wait. Mya won, right? No? Donny Osmond won? I never watched him so I forgot he was even on the show. God, remember when Marie Osmond was on the show? Yikes.
JB: Did you see Donyelle on America's Best Dance Crew acting like she was Joan of Arc? What up with that?


SYTYCD
CC: Well, it was better than last week, but still nothing along the lines of what I was feeling at this time during season 4 (loved seeing Katee assisting Tyce!). Legacy and Russell continue to make me smile. Kathryn and Ellenore are quite enjoyable. I really liked Sonya's first routine, I thought the can-can was stupid, and I hope that despite being of legal age, Mollee is not having sex, because she seriously has the look/attitude/behavior/personality/aura of an 8-year-old so whoever's banging her is a total perv. Cat Deeley continues to work wonders with self-styling. *shrug* That's about all I got. As a contrast, me writing this during season 4 would've gone something along the lines of "OMG JOSH KATEE MARK MARK MARK GEV CHELSIE MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH MARK!!!" *sigh*
JB: "This routine is about the invention of the telephone"? Sweet suffering Christ on the cross! Co-sign on the not feeling this season. They brought it back too soon and if they're going to do the same next year, I'd like to see an All-Stars Edition.
CC: Okay well now that you mentioned it, we MUST list our all-stars! That would be AWESOME! I would like to see me some: Travis, Danny, Hok, Mark, Gev, Josh, Chelsie, Katee, Pasha, Anya, Courtney and I would like to see them all doing a kick-ass Wade Robson routine that does not involve foxes. Maybe throw in Blake for some delicious bitchery. Maybe have Boomkack and Mia Michaels both show up and make people cry. This is already my favorite show ever. Somebody make this happen.
JB: I'll draft Natalie the sexsational Greek from s2, Twitch, Kayla(or Payla as I would have referred to her if TV Club had existed last season), Heidi. In my mind, I've already cancelled the rest of this season. I'm watching this instead and it's awesome!

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