Sunday, December 20, 2009

I Saw Mommy Kissing TV Club!

For the last time this decade...TV Club! (Available, as ever, for simultaneous viewing at

So You Think You Can Dance
CC: HOLY. SHIT. THAT WAS RIVETING. I'm typing this right after the very end of the very last show. Which was CCCRRAAAZZZZYYY. Way to bring the dramz, live television! OK, backtracking now to the performance show, which was the best finale in years! It ranged from damn good to *awesome*. LOVED Ellenore in that Fosse-ish broadway thing (that girl had herself a NIGHT-- she kicked ass in that weirdo robot jazz thing as well). LOVED Russell in that angel-y thing with Ashleigh. Jakob was just ridiculously, effortlessly great as usual; LOVED him and Kathryn dancing to that fucking Family Ties song, of all things. And good lord, if that Ryan/Ashleigh number by Travis did not practically kill me-- Ryan cried, Ashleigh cried, I cried-- well, no, I didn't, but I was close. I WAS FUCKING CLOSE! Aaaaa! And Russell KILLED that last hip-hop. Great finale. GREAT FINALE! And then, the results show? HOLY SHIT! Russell hurting his leg and limping on stage and everything getting all fucked up and them having to run old clips cuz he couldn't dance, and then him WINNING? And his REACTION? Gold. Television gold. SO HAPPY FOR HIM! I hope his leg is okay. Cuz you KNOW when he won that the adrenaline just fucking took over so hopefully, whatever was wrong with it, he didn't make it worse in those few minutes. His girlfriend's a lucky fucking woman, by the way. YAY, RUSSELL! RUSSELL WINNING FTW! :DDDDDDDDD
JB: What she said but substitute Vicodin for adrenaline. Let's think about that Tuesday show for a minute. Six dancers instead of four. One hour instead of two. No solos. No special all-boy or all-girl routines. No video packages. Despite that, it was fantastic and so memorable that two of the dances turned up in the next night's Greatest Hits of The Season. And they both featured Kathryn who rose like a hot phoenix over the last few weeks. Russell's arc was like something out of a movie. Lythgoe relentlessly sells him as the krumper from the wrong side of B'more who overcomes the odds and then at the last minute he's struck down by a freak injury but limps to victory. Incredible end to what started as a shakey series. Which presents my double citizenship viewing ass with a dilemma. I'm on record as saying they came back too soon after summer but SYTYCD-UK premieres on the BBC in three weeks. With Lythgoe, with Cat, with Mia Michaels and, apparently, Victoria Beckham. I'm not going to do it. I shouldn't do it. I probably won't do it. I'm gonna do it!!

The Sing-Off
CC: I like a cappella. But I hate this show.
JB: I tried to fill my aching Glee-hole with The Sing-Off. I didn't hate it as much as you but if there's really an acapella upsurge sweeping the nation this show is going to kill it stone dead. It confirms every preconceived notion about people who join vocal groups. It's not so much that they're massive dorks. It's not their sweater vests or their enthusiasm. It's that they love singing BUT THEY HATE SONGS! Which is why they slaughter them with those stupid babababadadada arrangements. Oh and, nice nervous laugh, Nicole Pussycat Doll.

Jersey Shore
CC: There are no words, so here are some words: Pauly D and the fattie. Pauly D and the grenade. Pauly D and whatever the fuck must be on his hands after beating up the beat. Also, Snooki's mom should never have smushed with Snooki's dad, and whatever the answer to Ronnie's equation is, it's wrong.
JB: Chill out, Freckles McGee. Like Sammi and Ronnie, I'm still in the honeymoon stage in my relationship with the J-Shore. Everything everybody did was insane: Snookie clearing the cobwebs with her dancefloor backflips. Any time we get to spend at The Shore Store. The duck phone! (It never gets old!) Ronnie's attempts to hide the Italian sausage while grilling Sammi about the cop. The bitchfaced blonde cockblocker who whined her friend out of The Situations's bed. Which lead me to the shocking conclusion that The Situation is not a closer. He can lure guidettes back to the house. He can get them into the filthy hot tub. But he can't close the deal. Either they're too grossed out, they come to their senses or a girlfriend drags them away for their own good. And the non-showing of The Punch Heard Around Around The World? MTV gets to have it's fist-shaped cake and eat it.

Friday Night Lights
CC: I love Tink. I love Mrs. Coach's perfect reaction to every situation. I love Riggy talking to Skeeter the dog. I love Riggy telling that guy he fucked his wife and then beating the shit out of him. I love that Coach is gonna make a gun disappear. I love Landry's list of reasons to go out with him, complete with bailing on the end of it and just saying go out with me. I love this show. I hate you if you are not watching it.
JB: I said Oh No out loud four times this week. When Luke Cafferty got injured. When Landry tried to cut the ties with Tyra. When Julie fell to pieces at the Academic Smackdown. And when Glen mouth-raped Tami. And I laughed out loud when Riggins --Riggy? Really?-- described Becky's mom as a disgruntled redhead.

JB: The fake-out at the start of the attic episode was better than the whole of Avatar. What was left of my mind after something like an entire season's worth of revelations crammed into forty minutes was blown by DeWitt and the whole we're-putting-a-team-together bit at the end. And let's take a second to acknowledge the awards and career opportunities that won't be coming Olivia Williams' way. She has just DESTROYED in these episodes. She's gone from drunken self-loathing to icy backstabber to engineer of the rebellion. I hate that there's only three episodes left but my expectations for all three are through the roof. (And, yes, Enver Gjokaj was fighting his own real-life twin brother!)
CC: HIVE MIND! HIVE MIND! HIVE MIND! Is what was going through my head when it was clear that those soldiers were about to, well, hive mind Victor (um...nice shirtless work by the way). I kind of love drunk Adelle. I definitely love badass let's-gather-everyone-in-my-office-and-fucking-DO-THIS-THING Adelle. I love Victor and Sierra, 2together 4-EVA, no matter what else is going on. Awww, hearts! And of course loooooved the insider line about it being 2010 and how long have we been off the air. Good times, Joss. Good times. *sniff* Cuz you will be off the air soon. Waaaahhh! And Enver's twin...RIGHT? What's up with Joss and twins? Remember the Evil Xander episode where they used Nicholas Brendon's real life twin? What's next? Are you gonna tell me that somewhere out there is a dude who looks just like Tahmoh Penikett but is, like, a librarian or something? Cuz I could get into that. And imagine two Summer Glaus, fanboys. *runs to avoid pieces of fanboy skull flying everywhere as their heads explode*

Saturday Night Live
JB: Nothing worth taking my finger off FF (What Up With That might be wearing out it's welcome a wee bit) but this week gets a pass for James Franco's monologue, especially when he named a fake film and the crowd applauded.
CC: I was delighted to see the return of Lawrence Welk and Kristin Wiig's tinyhands. And I would be lying my fucking face off if I said I didn't enjoy that Jersey Shore thing, since everything having to do with Jersey Shore in any way, shape, or form = gold.

Gossip Girl
JB: Haven't watched in a while but now I'm all caught up with Season 3...of The O.C! Which is totally what this is. The buzz has gone and nothing works. College is the kiss of death for this type of show. Leighton Meester works harder than anyone else on GG but having her scheming to be queen of NYU just makes her look like she's playing the drag queen version of herself. That's not the only bad idea. Serena working for a publicist. Hilary Duff. Eric Vs Little J. Congressman Tripp. The ghost of Bart. Chuck as the moral compass of the Upper East Side( It's not that I don't believe the character can't change but Ed Westwick looks like a murderer). And Jessica Szohr(sp?) must have pissed off a lot of hair, make-up and wardrobe people because she is one hot Jewess and they've made her look like total shit.
CC: OK, but, but, but...Chuck and Blair are still wearing FABULOUS OUTFITS! :D No? Not enough? OK.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Best In Show!

Hey, Hottie (remember that? There's another one on the way!) made someone's top 5 best books of the year, even though it turns out to be a top 8

Thanks Alexandra!

Monday, December 14, 2009

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like TV Club!

As long as there's TV, there'll be people to watch it and make uninformed comments. Like this (which, of course, you can also read at


JB: Way too late to be this awesome. If the first of this week's episodes had been the actual series pilot, we probably wouldn't be sitting through this deathbed vigil. It moved like a bastard, it totally invested us in Echo and it gave us something to root for: bringing down the Dollhouse. Dushku's taken a lot of lumps for consistently being the weakest link in her own show. Playing passive is not her thing but this last batch of shows is going a long way to wiping the stain from her name. I'm getting a last-days-of Angel vibe: that show flopped around like a dead fish for at least a season and a half--I blame Kartheiser-- but then revived and depussified Spike, turned Fred into Illyria and enjoyed a fantastic final run. Time capsule moment: Alan Tudyk's delivery of "Also, Python!"
CC: Time capsule moment: Alan Tudyk doing anything, ever. Aaaaaahhhh. It's a Firefly-lover's dream, these Alpha appearances. Also, um, Tahmoh with his shirt off. Is not a bad way to spend some TV time. Kartheiser totally redeemed himself with Pete Campbell, by the way. And Angel's revival most certainly includes the muppet episode, which I am saying just because I want everyone to know that I have Muppet Vamp Angel sitting on my couch at work. Oh! I loved when they exploded that guy. I literally said a delighted "Wow!" when they exploded that guy.

Jersey Shore

JB: No drop-off in quality whatsoever. Angelina's early exit hurts but is mitigated by the brief introduction of her best friends Alana and Elena (Girls picking similarly named friends: is this becoming a thing? Discuss). The Situation eulogizjng her a as a half-ass firecracker ("She fizzled out real quick!"). Schnoopy and her friend Ryder: worst party girls ever! Schnoops getting sloppy in the hot tub. Eating a pickle. ("She's like a whole other level with pickles'). Sammi and Ronny getting romantic on the mini-golf course. The Situation acting like a whiny bitch around them. Ronnie's sensational dancefloor moves. ("I don't know where I get it from!"). It's amazing to think that The Hills squeezed something like six seasons out of "Is Heidi gonna be there?", while this thing is just bubbling over with stuff. And next week: face punch!
CC: Ah, but NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Say it with me, because this next piece of info is going to have you tearing your hair out in horror: apparently because of complaints or whatever, they pulled the face-punching thing. Seriously. Read about it here:

So You Think You Can Dance

JB: My interest faded over the past few weeks, but the semis were like a mini-movie. They had:
Sex: I can't believe no one on that panel screamed,"Kathryn, that was cha-cha-chanatstic!" So I'll do it. She was hot, bendy and agile. There's no higher praise.
More Sex: These last few shows Cat's looked like she's just rolled out of bed. She was especially giggly and gropey this week.
Violence: Wow, Travis Wall, you came up with that idea about married assassins assigned to kill each other all by yourself? Fun routine and knowing how squirrely Fox is about the delicate sensibilities of their tiny tot audience, I'm surprised it got on the air.
Sabotage: NappyTab must have dug deep in their magic box of terrible ideas to dredge up a routine that would effectively destroy the momentum the Mr & Mrs Smith dance gave Legenore. That alien number was like something you'd see outside a mall.
Heartbreak: Ashleigh--who's Been Through So Much And Has Come So Close-- hurts her arm and can't dance.
Sacrifice: Ryan begs America to vote for his one-armed wife.
Crushed Dreams: Mollee flames out. And gets kicked while she's down TWICE! Before her exit, there was this incredible moment where Shankman tried to console her for being in the bottom two by explaining that America had stopped loving her and then seguing into a celebration of Kathryn and the great night she was having and how she was the new Jeanine. Totally oblivious to the effect he was having on Mollee.
Triumph: America votes for Ashleigh. A married couple will dance at the finals!
CC: That cha-cha, while being fairly light on the actual cha-cha, was the hottest ballroom they've had since season 3 Lacey/Danny samba. I watched that thing like a zillion times. Kathryn was sexy and sassy, Ryan was of course partnering like nobody's business, and that final pose ruled. I heart Legacy but was one of the people he lost evvvvver-so-slightly with the phone thing (I voted for Kathryn because I was worried about her being in the bottom 2 from before), so when Ryan made it through instead of him, instead of going "He WUZ ROBBED!" I was more like "He was perhaps maybe a tad bit burgled hey now we get to see Ryan and Ashleigh dance together." That NappyTabs hip-hop was a travesty. That Korean girlpop group was a SUPERtravesty (also, I have been informed that Korean girlpop groups are essentially, for really. Can anyone confirm or deny?). Santa Russell with bear was the cutest thing ever.
JB: Wait, you're implying new K-pop sensation HAM are underage sex workers? That's a serious allegation. (Yes, HAM: )

Friday Night Lights

JB: If there's one thing Friday Night Lights is good at, it's goodbyes. The farewells to Smash and, especially, Street, were both killers. This one felt a little off. Despite the show trying to rewrite history, Matt wasn't staying in Dillon for Julie, he was doing it for his grandma. And we shouldn't have been denied an awkward, mumbling goodbye before he drove off. Same with our last look at Lyla Garrity. Nice to see her ride the bull but we've already watched them go separate ways. Funny how Tyra never even got a goodbye scene yet she's still messing up Landry's love life. Best line of the night? Riggins: "Shut up, Becky"
CC: Yeah, I expected to be TOTALLY WRECKED by Saracen leaving, and I kind of was, and it was almost nice to not be as totally wrecked as last week because my god, last week, still digging out from all that wreckage, but...yeah, they coulda done a more openly "we are gonna fuck with your emotions" job with it. I too was tripped up a little by the retcon issues re: grandma/Julie, and Lyla coming back and hooking up with Riggins and then leaving again was just...well, let's face it, all I can picture now re: Minka Kelly is Jeter. But Secret Gay Coach is rapidly becoming the best thing ever, and if I could have J.D. McCoy in front of me right now so that I could crush his skull with a rock, it would be a happy holiday season indeed.


JB: Racing to the end of all it's terrible storylines before the four-month hiatus which, I pray, will cure me of my belated infatuation with this rubbish. If nothing else, please come up with some sort of character for the black girl beyond her pointing out that she's black.
CC: I don't know about Mr. Schue and Cute Redhead getting together because I'm not too into Cute Redhead getting together with that level of smarm (seriously...what happened to that guy since the pilot?). Also, the big solo ballad had to be Don't Rain On My Parade? Lea Michele blew it out, obviously, but...really? REALLY? That said, I'm still gonna freak in a fangirly fashion over Idina Menzel (IDINA FUCKING MENZEL!!!) joining the cast this spring. Also, full disclosure, I met Puck at a party and he is SUPER nice and smoking hot. I would flip out more about this but I'm trying very hard to be Hollywood-jaded and chill.

Saturday Night Live

JB: Damn you, Lautner, I had money riding on you taking your shirt off within the first five seconds. Not only did you let me down, you did a.. sort of okay job. Plus you were a good sport during the Twilight sketch which almost veered into fan-mocking territory but pussied out. My second favorite Taylor hosting job of the season. Unless they can nail down that elusive Taylor Dayne booking. (Replace with the Taylor reference of your choice)
CC: How about...COACH TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D And Mrs. Coach! That would rule. By the way, did not realize Lautner could do all those flips and such. Let's get him together with Legacy, LXD, and Quest and make this fantasy flip-off of mine happen.

Dogs 101
CC: There was an episode all about puppies this week. The whole thing was footage of puppies running around doing stuff. As you can imagine, this necessitated a lot of yelling at the TV, things like "What?!" and "SHUT. UP." and "OH MY GOD" and "What the FUCK?!" Yes, cuteness creates anger and swearing sometimes. These are facts.
JB: I'm half-surprised someone hasn't made a Cute Overload TV show. And half-grateful.
CC: I would watch that show.

Top Chef
CC: It was one of those things where I totally didn't think I cared who won until the moment RIGHT BEFORE they announced which Voltaggio it was gonna be, when I found myself suddenly rooting very, VERY hard for Bryan. Awww. Oh well. Michael's reaction was cute, so there's that. Like, of course they gave it to the brash tatted-up guy who makes better TV,, Bryan! Okay, I'm over it.

X- Factor

JB: Here's the winning kid duetting with George Michael. After that, I will provide moist towelettes because you will feel soiled.
CC: Okay. So that kid is basically like they took those freak twins who got booted a few weeks back and crossed them with Taylor Lautner. Which means that somebody definitely got wolfsexed backstage after the show. That person was George Michael.

Monday, December 7, 2009

You And Me Could Write A Bad TV Club

It's back and, as ever, it's also available for your viewing pleasure at

Friday Night Lights

JB: I think you might have prematurely shot your wad last week because THIS is the episode that deserves all the superlatives and the tears. Zach Gilford did not have a moment when he wasn't incredible. Freaking out at the army guy who called his dad a prankster. Breaking down at the Taylor dinner table. Looking inside the coffin. Telling the supermarket story. Shoveling dirt on the coffin till his hands bled. Can't imagine seeing better acting on TV. Also noted: Coach Taylor back to calling Landry Lance again.
CC: Zach Gilford FTmotherfuckingW. Even if he never acts again, which he totally will, it doesn't matter, because he's done this episode. I cannot believe that every single person having anything to do with this show is not already drowning in a giant pile of Emmys, dead of multiple puncture wounds from all the dozens and dozens of pointy, shiny, ridonkulously well-deserved golden wings.


JB: Now? Now, when there's only four other people watching and a smattering of episodes left, now you decide to become a show that's worth watching? Now you're Prison Break meets Invasion Of The Body Snatchers? So much good stuff here: Dushku back in something-approaching-Faith mode, Victor as Topher, Topher and Bennett, glasses on a chain, the icy blonde handler (played by an actress named Stacey Scowley which would be an awesome name for a doll aimed at emo tots) and next week Alpha's back.
CC: Yup, the show is in its official death throes, but continues to BRING IT, entertainment-wise. I am lame and totally did not see the twist of Alexis Denisof being the doll. Also, awwww to Summer Glau and Topher's supercute weird nerdy fucked up geeky "let's lamely flirt but also maybe kick each other's ass" delightfulness! And once again: ENVER GJOKAJ. Jesus. Him as Topher? Come on. Seriously, what the fuck did this guy do in his audition? How did Joss KNOW? Other fantastic moments: the thing with Topher sheepishly explaining his much lamer hooker brain, Adelle's line as she twisted Ray Wise's balls, of course the glasses thing, and "I'm excited and scared." Love it. LOVE IT. Sad to see it go soon.
JB: The Denisof twist: I KNOW! Funny how we fell for that in the very first minute of the very first Buffy --with the girl being terrified of the guy before she turns out to be the vamp--and we're still falling for it.

Jersey Shore

JB: "As far as I know, everybody loves The Situation and if you don't love The Situation I'm gonna make you love The Situation."
"I am a bartender. I do great things."
"I love the poof. It's Guidette."
"The Situation's like, I think we got a situation"
"The party's in Pauly D's pants tonight"
"I will cut your hair while your sleeping"
The situation is, I'm gonna get sloppy on Ron-Ron juice and pre-order The Guido Handbook. This show gave me pink eye. In a good way.
CC: This is the greatest show ever in the history of television entertainment. If you didn't watch it, go commit suicide (just kidding...go watch it, and then, even if you were planning on committing suicide, you will not, because the promise of more episodes will give you reason to live). I cannot tell you how many times I have rewound and/or quoted that thing about JWoww having to leave the club early because she didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend but also because she felt like eating ham and drinking water. HAM AND WATER. These things are clearly very important, and I know that now, and will apply such knowledge to my own life. *goes to buy ham*

Steven Seagal Lawman

JB: I don't even know where to start with this mess. Seagal's a wreck: he's weatherbeaten and bloated, he's always out of breath, he's got a folded-up face like an old bulldog. So what's his plan to divert attention from the fact that he looks way worse than all the other cops in the unit he rides around with? The hair. There wasn't much of it in Above The Law. It was beating an even hastier retreat in Hard To Kill. But on the criminal streets of Jefferson Parish, he's got a full head of inky black hair that starts in a vampiric widow's peak and then continues in an untended thicket. He continually voiceovers that his years of martial arts training make him perfect for the job but anytime there's trouble, he's standing way behind all the other officers, clutching a torch and wheezing. And then there's the thing that comes out of his mouth. That sound. In Marked For Death it was a Brooklynesque bada-boom bada-bing. In Under Siege, he was working kind of a Zen Redneck fusion. Here he has a different accent for every occasion. When he's schooling the other cops in the way of the martial arts master, he's softly-spoken and enigmatic. When he's on patrol, he sounds like Bobby Boucher in The Waterboy. When he's reading the miscreants of the almost-all- black Jefferson Parish their rights, he's all "I'm gonna axe you one mo time, homes,where the drugs be at?"

Launch My Line

JB: Bravo is Jon. Project Runway is Kate. The Fashion Show was Hailey Glassman and this thing is whatever random skank Jon starts pounding out next.(It made sense in my head) I'm not saying Bravo will never manage to come up with a fashion competition to fill the Runway void but it won't be this one. Bad hosting choice with the D Squared twins: two Mr. Jays does not equal one Tyra.
CC: I tivoed this for the sole reason that Dan Karaty is on it and he used to be on SYTYCD but then I remembered I didn't really like him on SYTYCD so I didn't watch it.
JB: Almost forgot one indelible moment burned into my brain. One of the over-excited line-launchers yells out "Now THAT'S What I'm talking about!" and, simultaneously, launches a visible gob of spittle that splatters onto the bare shoulder of the woman directly in front who then WINCES. If that had happened on Runway? Tim Gunn. Would. Have. Died. Literally. Heart stopped. Dead.

So You Think You Can Dance
JB: Mollee seemed a little less infantile this week due to A) having Russell as a partner and B) The fact that we couldn't see her cabbage patch face during the entirety of the first routine. Close proximity to Nathan actually de-hotted Kathryn. Your Judges had almost three months worth of backed-up dance-jizz they couldn't hold in anymore so they spooged all over Jakob AKA The Winner and Ellenore. Yeah, they were good but if that was the most memorable dance of the season, this has been a piss-poor excuse for a hastily cobbled-together season.
CC: That WAS the most memorable dance of the season, and I would TOTALLY put it up against the greatest hits of some of the other seasons! A hearty YES to Sonya/Jakob/Ellenore. KICKASS, was what that was. Could totally tell within 5 seconds that it was gonna be worth an instant rewatch. So great. SO GREAT. Kathryn rocked that Broadway like nobody's business; she is so the Jeanine of this year. Also, I was just beginning to mentally apologize for buying into the whole eating disorder rumor about Ashleigh when they said her mystery illness was some fucked up tropical parasite, until they showed her MOM and then I was too busy trying to decipher that hair situation, because WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT HAIR SITUATION? LOVED seeing Quest on the results show by the way, and HOLY SHIT to that middle part of the LXD performance with those three guys flipping all over the place (Steve from Quest maybe just got served...I wouldn't say no to a crazy dance-off-flip-off between all those guys). Oh, and also a Zach Gilford/Enver Gjokaj act-off. Which I know has nothing to do with SYTYCD.


JB: I've been a stranger to Glee (both the show and the emotion) but I caught up with it this week and I thank the God of the Jews that there is only one episode left before it vanishes for four months. Because this series is bad for me. It maroons me in that place between a shudder and a tear (which I think was the title of an old Cocteau Twins album. Is that too archaic a reference? Replace with the whiney mopers of your choice). I mean, the deaf choir? I started off cringing at that through the cracks in my fingers. Halfway through, my hands were still over my eyes but for pathetically different reasons. Plus, I started playing the Sectionals drinking game and am now a raging alcoholic.
CC: Here's me and Glee: watched the pilot. Loved it. Watched the 2nd ep. Didn't love it as much. Started watching the third, came to the conclusion that the only thing I really care about is the musical numbers, have watched every ep since then by fastfording through anything that's not singing. It's not a bad way to go. And do I own some of the songs? Yes I do. Maybe I've listened to Defying Gravity like 8 million times. Maybe I've pumped up Take a Bow and No Air in the car. I don't know. Maybe I sing along. That's not the point. They still haven't topped the awesomeness of Don't Stop Believin', and I fear they never will. We'll see.
JB: Same for me with Somebody To Love, the Halo/Walking On Sunshine coupling and the bitchy cheerleader's rather lovely rendition of I say A Little Prayer. I will, however, donate all the money I didn't pay to download them if it will stop Mr Shue ever rapping again.

CC: Eh. I liked the UPS thing and that totally wtf last thing. I registered that Rihanna was wearing chain mail. Blake Lively has very pretty hair and seemed like she was having fun. Can we talk some more about Zach Gilford and Enver Gjokaj?
JB: I have not watched live commercials in over two and a half years. This gives me the self-obsessed authority to proclaim that Tivo has destroyed commercial parodies. (Although that turns out not to be true: something like 80% of DVR owners DON'T fast-forward through commercials? What the fuck, America? Wall-E was so right!) That Rihanna/ Shy Ronnie short: better than anything on her album. (Although I always think that about The Lonely Island stuff: it's so laser-precise and the production is fantastic and then I hear it without the visuals and it's just alright...)

Alice on SyFy channel
CC: I'm only like 10 minutes into this and I'm already TOTALLY overthinking it. Like, a guy named Jack gets dragged into a white van that drives away and I'm like oh! Jackrabbit? White van? He's the White Rabbit! Then two minutes later there is literally a door with a picture of a white rabbit on it AND the words "white rabbit." Then Alice runs into this weird fisherman wearing a fisherman hat and I'm like okay, he's wearing a hat and he's weird, maybe he's the Mad Hatter. Then two minutes later she runs into a guy who's also wearing a hat and is like "You wanna know why they call me Hatter?" *sigh*
JB: One last note on this Very Special Tribute To Zach Gilford. Don't, whatever you do, make the mistake of renting/purchasing/ downloading a tragically poor -non-comedy(non-com?) called Post Grad where he plays the Ultimate Pussy Platonic Best Friend Desperate To Be Boyfriend. Just don't.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Overlooked....Actually Not.

I'd read a lot about Bandslam: how it was the worst-marketed movie of the decade,how putting Vanessa Hudgens front and centre in the posters and trailers was both misleading and a doomed attempt to lure in the High School Musical consumer, how it was an undiscovered gem waiting to be found by audiences who would then clutch it to their heart and how it was one of the great lost teen movies. And now I've seen it.

There's only once thing I'd like to add to the hail of criticism facing the marketing of this movie. Why didn't Summit, the mini-major swimming in Twilight profits, invest in a box of crystal balls? That way they could have foreseen the success of Glee and delayed the release of Bandslam so people might have been fooled into thinking they were getting another fun, heartwarming and uplifting teen musical competition saga. Which they're not. What they would have been getting had they gone to see it which they were smart or oblivious enough not to was a worshipful portrait of a mumbling, awkward, music-obsessed outsider who inspires a disparate bunch of high school nobodies to form a band. I applaud the decision to cast a real-looking kid rather than an underwear model as the mumbling hero. But this guy, who is in every second of every scene of Bandslam, is excruciating. He is a charisma-repellent.He brings absolutely nothing to the role. But barely a minute goes by without someone telling the guy, or us, how amazing he is, how he's such a visionary, what a big heart he has, how he's changed their lives. He's held in such high regard because of his all-encompassing knowledge of music. He shoots off daily emails about his life to David Bowie, he reveres the Velvet Underground and regards CBGB's as his Vatican. But what he really likes? The music that really talks to him? Ska. Watered-down ska, especially. There's so much terrible stuff here: Aly Michalka's entire unbelievable arc. Lisa Kudrow's face. The climactic high school battle of the bands(watered-down ska saves the day!) As it turns out, the best-- and I'm stretching the definition of best-- thing in the whole film is Vanessa Hudgens. Her character might as well be called Ally Sheedyinthebreakfastclub but at least she's better than you expect. Everything else is far far worse.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Give Thanks For TV Club!

The war against the machines has started and I'm losing! Three weeks ago, I related the sad story of my iPods expiring and malfunctioning within moments of each other. Last week, both my Powerbooks gave up the ghost. And today the DirecTV guy took my non-responsive DVR away and with it all the backed-up shows I hadn't ever managed to get around to watching. Those Season 3 Gossip Girl marathons? Not gonna happen. Sons Of Anarchy? Will never know if it's as good as they say? No Glee for me. It's a devastating loss but TV Club goes on (and, as ever, this fine feature is also available with no distracting layout issues at
CC: I watched this because I'm kind of obsessed with seeing if anybody's backup dancers are former SYTYCD contestants, and lo and behold, at the very end my eyes scoped out Courtney from season 4 dancing for Adam Lambert. Awesome. Was so delighted to see her that I almost didn't revel properly in the ridonkulousness of his performance, which included yanking on someone's vagina chain (who knew there was such a thing?) and then making out with the keyboard player, which all happened so fast I couldn't tell if the keyboard player was male or female, not that it mattered. Also, at one point during the show the camera showed someone who looked like if P. Diddy and Voldemort had a baby. If anybody knows who that was, hook a bitch up. By which I mean, please just tell me who that was, not actually hook me up, because see aforementioned note about Voldemort.
JB: Transgressive! Provocative! Electrifying! Adam Lambert was none of these things. What he was, was hellbent on being inaugurated as Lord Gaga. He flailed through that Big Cock Orgy like he'd just gobbled down two fistfuls of gay Ritalin ( to combat his GayDD!) J.Lo's living her career in reverse like Benjamin Button. Back when we were using dollar bills as Kleenex, she was all "Love Don't Cost A Thing'. Now we're eating day-old peanuts off the street and she's singing about expensive shoes. I'm going to nominate Kid Cudi as MVP solely based on him being the only one in a hallfull of whores with enough backbone to even slightly mock the stupid show.

Next Iron Chef
CC: Thank god Garces won. Mehta had a little too much of a maniacal "I might stab you in the eyeball if the ice cream machine doesn't work again" thing going on. Best quote of the night goes to Michael Symon for "If you're creative and you fail, are you creative or are you a failure?" Also, why does Jeffrey Steingarten have a piece of greenery hanging out of his mouth during EVERY shot of him? He looks like an old-timey cartoon brontosaurus.
JB: I am only dimly aware of this series but I am more brightly aware of the career of Mark Dacascos. I remember he had a shot as a capoiera Van Damme in a couple of big studio action movies. Then he was demoted into the world of low-budget cable kickboxing films. Things looked up when he took over the Brandon Lee role in the syndicated version of "The Crow". They looked down again for a while until his co-starring role in the French martial-arts werewolf art movie Brotherhood of the Wolf made him an actual box-office draw in Europe. And now he's the Chairman in Iron Chef. Which I don't really watch.

Friday Night Lights
CC: I can't even...I can't...this...aaaaagghhh! THIS WAS THE BEST EPISODE IN A LONG TIME. I wanna say EVER cuz I know it's close, but I can't guarantee that, and the only reason I can't is because this show is so fucking good like EVERY SINGLE TIME that it's practically impossible to separate anything out, but it's certainly the best ep so far this season. The gamut of emotions I ran in this ep went from :) to :)))) to :D to :O to *chills* to *more chills* to actual tears. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how these people do it, but I am so fucking glad they are doing it. This show owns me. THIS SHOW OWNS MY ASS. Basically it would be impossible for this show to rape me because I would willingly submit every single time.
JB: I think I'd have to be GHB'd because my attention was wandering during this ep. Except for the last five minutes. And the storyline with the little lesbian (was she in Landry's band at the end of last season? Seems like a different actress.) Oh, and Alicia Witt. The character's supposed to look all weathered and beat-up, right?


CC: Okay, I may be retroactively un-creaming myself slightly over Taylor Swift again, because THAT is how you host a show. I nearly died during Jack Johnson and the digital short and the triumphant return of What Up With That. I would want to become a celebrity just so I could be the random person sitting in that sketch and saying nothing. I would also like to go back in time and cast Joseph Gordon-Levitt in every single part that January Jones ever had, and that includes Random Skank in Love Actually, Random Bitch in Havana Nights, Willow’s sister in American Pie 3, and the thing Ashton Kutcher was banging ten years ago. Mad props, buddy. He must’ve been on crack when he did that monologue, and I mean that in the best of ways. He should really get together with Montell Jordan, go over to JJ’s house, and sing “This is How We Do It” in her face, but she probably wouldn’t get the reference.

JB: Anything musical worked this week (minus DMB, of course): Make Em Laugh, the Reba short, WUWT, Wilson Phillips breaking the tension at the end of Thanksgiving, Sussudio in Say Anything. I'd hold on to some of those stones you're throwing at the bloodied corpse of January Jones. Blake Lively is the next host. You'll need them...

JB: A nation mourned the end of an era as the Leprechauns O'Doom made their final appearance this week. But something smelled a little fishy about the final performance. Not the Wham! medley in the main show: that was well up to their usual standards. But when they found themselves in the bottom 2 and they had to sing for their lives in front of the judges, THIS happened:
Bear in mind: they're not singers. Singing is not what they do. Their rise to fame did not involve singing. Strong singing voices are not among their talents. I'm not in any danger of laboring the point here, am I? They're not singers and yet they willingly put themselves in that position? I call bullshit. But quietly. Not loud enough to bring them back...
CC: What the FUCK was that? I give myself 5 extra credit points for noticing that the piping color on their jackets was different. Other than that, I continue to be horrified...mystified...terrified... *cue What Up With That music*

CC: Okay, my mind officially blown: they referenced both SYTYCD and Family Guy in like the first five minutes! HOW DELIGHTFUL! :D This show, by the way, is so much better than I thought it was gonna be (I'm a loyal Buffy fan so I was obligated to be skeptical at the beginning). But it has totally grown on me-- that thing last week where Stefan and Damon were being each other was hilarious.
JB: I will never be bored enough to watch this.

CC: I didn't watch the intro segment so no idea if there's an explanatory backstory, but let me unleash my full dance show nerdery here and point out that parts of Dmitry & Mya's final freestyle routine were EXACT RETREADS of steps from Benji and Donyelle's routine to the same song on SYTYCD season 2. That is all. Wait. Mya won, right? No? Donny Osmond won? I never watched him so I forgot he was even on the show. God, remember when Marie Osmond was on the show? Yikes.
JB: Did you see Donyelle on America's Best Dance Crew acting like she was Joan of Arc? What up with that?

CC: Well, it was better than last week, but still nothing along the lines of what I was feeling at this time during season 4 (loved seeing Katee assisting Tyce!). Legacy and Russell continue to make me smile. Kathryn and Ellenore are quite enjoyable. I really liked Sonya's first routine, I thought the can-can was stupid, and I hope that despite being of legal age, Mollee is not having sex, because she seriously has the look/attitude/behavior/personality/aura of an 8-year-old so whoever's banging her is a total perv. Cat Deeley continues to work wonders with self-styling. *shrug* That's about all I got. As a contrast, me writing this during season 4 would've gone something along the lines of "OMG JOSH KATEE MARK MARK MARK GEV CHELSIE MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH MARK!!!" *sigh*
JB: "This routine is about the invention of the telephone"? Sweet suffering Christ on the cross! Co-sign on the not feeling this season. They brought it back too soon and if they're going to do the same next year, I'd like to see an All-Stars Edition.
CC: Okay well now that you mentioned it, we MUST list our all-stars! That would be AWESOME! I would like to see me some: Travis, Danny, Hok, Mark, Gev, Josh, Chelsie, Katee, Pasha, Anya, Courtney and I would like to see them all doing a kick-ass Wade Robson routine that does not involve foxes. Maybe throw in Blake for some delicious bitchery. Maybe have Boomkack and Mia Michaels both show up and make people cry. This is already my favorite show ever. Somebody make this happen.
JB: I'll draft Natalie the sexsational Greek from s2, Twitch, Kayla(or Payla as I would have referred to her if TV Club had existed last season), Heidi. In my mind, I've already cancelled the rest of this season. I'm watching this instead and it's awesome!

Friday, November 20, 2009

TV Club: It's Better Than Reading!

Just squeaking in under the wire before some of this stuff passes it's sell-by date here's more valid opinions from Cherry and myself. The Prisoner review is my own personal January Jones moment but it's been a trying week. I promise I'll make more of an effort in the future. (Promise not a binding contract.)
CC: Good lord, what a travesty. Taylor Swift, I hereby apologize for everything I said last week. And everything I may say in the future (might as well cover all bases).
JB: Jon Hamm is ruining January Jones' real and fictional life. His SNL debut last year was a triumph of almost Swiftian proportions. Remember Jon's Hamm's john ham? Remember his James Mason impression? Remember the Mad Men sketch where John Slattery and Elisabeth Moss appeared? That was the first time Elisabeth Moss met Fred Armisen and now they're married! So, not just a great appearance, a life-changing one. And what will we remember about JanJones? Most Desperately Unsalvagable Monologue Ever and the Farting Grace Kelly Hall Of Famer.

Top Model
CC: Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID LAURA NOT WIN? HOW DID LAURA NOT WIN? *foot stomp* That's just wrong. WRONG! And what will her GRANDMA THINK? You suck, Tyra! Aaaaa! (I don't know why I'm so bummed since I watch every episode of this show on fast-forward except for the actual modeling segments, but still...come on. Laura. Should be the winner. On the other hand, last cycle's winner was Teyona, so that in and of itself pretty much explains where the judges' heads can sometimes be, which is crazyland.)
JB: Misdirection, thy name is Banks. The whole show was a prelude to a Laura win. She conquered dyslexia-- seriously, Lash Blast is the model Rural Juror-- she wept at the thought of Granny, she sailed down the runway, the judges swooned over her transformative abilities BUT NICOLE ATE LUNCH ALONE IN THE TOILET. And that touched something in Tyra who, lest we forget, was herself an awkward gangly insectoid teenage freak.
What will fill the void in our lives until the next cycle? I have a suggestion. Go to your DVR, find BBC America, inch forward to Dec 1 and record the entire season--relax, it's only four episodes-- of Britain's Missing Top Model. That's right, disabled models. Disabled models declaring "I'm not here to make friends." The bitchy cripple ganging up on the deaf girl because `she's not really disabled'. A girl with a prosthetic arm getting drunk off her ass and hitting on one of the judges. I have seen this show and, once again, if I have to pay you actual American money to get you to watch it, I will. (Just to clarify, I won't)

Friday Night Lights.
CC: Yes! The return of Buddy Garrity! I'm gonna have to get me an East Dillon T-shirt. I say this because I have a Dillon Football shirt and obviously that's an affiliation that's not gonna work for me anymore, just like it doesn't work for Buddy Garrity anymore, bless his sweaty, red-faced heart. LOVE HIM. Not so sure about this Saracen/ornery artist storyline, but I'll go with it. CANNOT STAND the chick who keeps asking Riggins for a ride to school, but again, I'll go with it, because the FNL people can do no wrong, and by do no wrong I mean they did a little bit wrong with that jacked-up season 2 murder storyline, but other than that, everything about this show is what's right and good in the world.

CC: Bored now. *sigh* Thank you, Legacy's abs, for providing a bright spot in what otherwise is rapidly becoming an ongoing series of Tuesday night "meh"s. Except for Cat Deeley's super shiny dress! Loved that super-shiny dress. I have a theory that I might fit into her dresses because although she is way thinner, I am much shorter, so maybe it all works out, but obviously there will never be a way to test this theory. Look at this, I'm reduced to talking about the clothes on this show instead of the actual dancing, because that's how far we've fallen. Fuck! And I LOVE this show! I want to get excited about it! Do something, Nigel! I just checked his twitter and he said "It's a really good show tonight I think we're back on track?" No! You aren't! GET THERE!

JB: Let's look inside the mind of Shankman re Ryan and Ellenore: "She's a little odd and quirky. He's a roided-out behemoth. They shouldn't work, at first they didn't work but together they made magic. He grounds her, she makes him seem less of a lunkhead. It's Step Up 7! " Having said that...Team Legaryn!
Vintage Lythgoe: telling MolNat they were suffering from Survivor's Guilt like they'd samba'd their way out of Auschwitz
Also, is reprobate becoming Cat's smize? (Oh, and nice Van Halen solo, Chloe from 24)

The Prisoner

JB: "Hey, we're remaking The Prisoner!"
"AWESOME! It's totally the right time to bring it back. That story was nowhere near done. So what happens this time? Are the two brothers in separate prisons and they have to escape and meet in the middle?"
"That's Prison Break. Check this out: we've got Gandalf and The Christ! I mean, holy fuck, right? They're gonna have to rename the Emmys, the Prizzies!"
"Hold up, wasn't The Prisoner that weirdo 60s show with that angry guy running around shouting at people? Wasn't it sort of camp and jokey?"
"No one's gonna laugh at our version. It's slow and meandering and really really boring. It's got Best Drama written all over it! See you at the Prizzies!"

Doctor Who: Waters Of Mars

JB: David Tennant may be about to hand over the keys to the Tardis and move on to become the next Hugh Laurie ( don't hold me to that in case it doesn't happen) but before he goes, he's going to act the shit out of every second of screen time he's got left. The story was some old tosh about water zombies taking over the crew of a Martian base but it was really an excuse for Tennant to go from Jovial and Boisterous to Stoic to Compassionate to Action Guy to Arrogant Space Deity to Sniveling Fearful Death-Sensing Wreck to Feisty Smartass Ready To Go Out In A Blaze Of Glory. (You ever watch this, Cherry? You any sort of fan?If not, I recommend you get up to speed. There's only 47 years worth of episodes to plough through)
CC: The only thing I know about this show is that it is not Samantha Who? and also that it had a theme song and/or opening credits that as a child I found vaguely disturbing, and maybe Doctor Who *possibly* looks like David Bowie as Jareth in Labyrinth, or maybe I am totally making all of this up.


JB:A motley crue of binge-drinking, drug-guzzling rampant UK shaggers get caught in a freak hailstorm and acquire budget-appropriate superpowers. One hears thoughts. One sees the future. One becomes invisible. One gets the ability to make guys squirt in their pants. Yup, it's Heroes-meets-Skins. The deal to do the watered-down, vice-free US remake was probably done by the time I finished the previous sentence. The good news about that: the CW will cast underwear models which will only be an improvement on the rough-looking Brits. The bad news about that: dialogue unlikely to include gems like "Ah'll kick yer so `ard in the coont yer moom'll feel it!"
I might actually be imagining this show due to the amount of antibiotics I'm on since breaking my two front teeth earlier this week. No I'm not. It's real. Here's what it looks like: kAhVsXY&feature=PlayList&p=3F67F57BE7F306D4&index=6&playnext=4&playnext_from=PL


JB: It was Queen week which meant one thing: an audience member yelled Fuck Off! at Dannii Minogue. It also meant that Cowell diverted attention from his status as Britain's Most Hated by declaring fatwa on Sting who had earlier accused the X of ruining music( go make another lute album, Sting, that'll turn things around)
This'll mean nothing to you but midway through,the stage is invaded by Scots-born electro-pop producer Calvin Harris who holds a pineapple on top of his head. The outraged UK media immediately forgot they hated Cowell and the Leprechauns O'Doom and instantly branded Harris Britain's Most Hated. And in case you think this high stakes singing competition is in any way pandering to the L.O'D and their particular skillset, next week's theme: The Music Of Wham!

Tough Love

JB: "Hey, VH-1 here. Guess what, all you strippers, video vixens and shot girls we picked to share hot tubs and herpes sores with Bret Michaels these past few years: YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING WHORES!!!!! No man will ever want you. You're going to wind up barren alone and insane. Unless you sign up for our new matchmaking show Tough Love and get yelled at by some bug-eyed dude who only calls you a slut because he cares. Thanks. Bye"

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Best Week Ever!

Here's how it went down, with due deference to Owen Wilson's amazing rat-tat-tat narration that ever so briefly energized the sludge of Marley & Me: watched download of The Thick Of It( never covered in T-Club but incredible)- screen went black- went to Genius Bar-- Powerbook battery dead-- Genius revived it in store--took it home--screen went black--made sandwich--broke front teeth--went to dentist-- oh how he laughed-- yesterday (Tuesday)endured bloody extraction-- he made me promise I'd get multi-million dollar Wolverine-style titanium implants--I was on antibiotics, would have agreed to anything-- went to Apple Store--hovered over Macbooks--persuasive snakeoil salesman bamboozled me into purchasing 13" as well as useless iWork and One onOne-- took Macbook home--couldn't get or send email--couldn't download music, TV or movies, which is to say, could not admit air to my lungs-- also couldn't connect to external hard drive-- next day (today, Wednesday)--returned to Apple Store--queried friendly genius about email, external hard drive, bit torrenting-- he had answers to all my problems, also helped me with transferring old data from expired powerbook to new Macbook, even charged dying battery-- while it was charging, went to lunch at Farmer's Market-- delightful halibut--pigeons swooped on me while I ate-- returned to Apple Store retrieved recharged battery-- went home-- email receiving but not sending-- pressed T for ten minutes but firewire unable to transfer data between computers--returned to Genius Bar--formerly friendly Genius looked through me like I was made of glass--no appointment=no identity--approached a Genius shorter than me, bamboozled HIM into checking on my email which, of course worked fine IN THE STORE!!!-- also checked my firewire connection by pressing T for two seconds-- worked fine IN THE STORE!!!-- but instead of letting the data transfer continue, he was so scared of being seen talking to a no-appointment intruder that he broke the connection-- returned to Farmers Market to carry on data transfer--pressed T for ten minutes--NOTHING HAPPENED!!!-- lovely young Asian couple sitting at next table, considered asking them for help, considered the possibility they might see it as racial sterotyping-- trudged home-- did I mention I don't drive?(not important)--called cab--drove to MacEnthusiasts on Pico Boulevard-- the first guy I talk to tells me the Powerbook needs to be completely taken apart and rebuilt: "We're looking at around $180.00"--at the start of the day I would have nodded and handed him the lube-- not anymore-- "I'm not sure it needs to be completely taken apart and reassembled. I think the fault may lie in the way I pressed T"-- the Enthusiast gave the you-know-nothing raised eyebrow and directed me to a charming young Enthusiast whose name, I think, was Jasmine and who, unbelievably, was more technically inept than me--Jasmine not only did not know which holes to stick the firewire into, she wasn't sure how to press T-- Enthusiast Jasmine invited me around to the professional's side of the counter-- while I rebuffed panicked customers, she returned with the Ultimate Enthusiast, a guy who was born to say `Move' as he elbowed idiots like me out of the way--The Ultimate Enthusiast did not think my powerbook needed to be re-assembled at a cost of $180.00-- The Ultimate Enthusiast installed a program that transferred all my data.--The computer screen estimated the time of transfer at around an hour-- I went out to to tell the waiting cabdriver to come back and pick me up in an hour--when i returned to the store, the transfer was done-- "how much do I owe you?" I ask Jasmine, who seemed much happier playing with her tiny crate-trained dog than re-assembling hard drives-- she declines to charge me-- I resist the urge to rub this in the face of the shifty first Enthusiast-- leave store--call cab--drive home savoring delicious tang of victory(even though recovered data doesn't amount to much more than a few Howard Stern shows and some pictures of dogs leaping in the air, which I should have showed Jasmine, we were totally hitting it off)-- delicious tang of victory dissipates when driver pulls up outside my house and I put my hand in what turns out to be an empty pocket--damn that delicious Halibut lunch

Monday, November 16, 2009

You Can't Handle The Tooth!

Look at that guy. What a state. Feel free to laugh at him. Ha ha ha. I'm glad I don't look anything like him. He's missing at least three of his front teeth. No wonder I feel superior, I only broke TWO!!! Okay, one of the pair was fake but the other was strong and proud like a stalactite. But it was no match for the industrial strength chicken wing from the Whole Foods poultry section. (Isn't there a scene in Precious where something like this happens? God, I feel her pain...)
After greeting my messed-up mouth with a jovial `I knew you'd be back!", my local molar guy slotted me in for what he predicted would be a bloody extraction tomorrow morning, followed by the fitting of a gleaming new plate.
All of which is to say that if there is a new TV Club this week, my half of it will consist largely of drugged-up ramblings.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Is That A TV Club In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Leave It To Lamas?

How about that for a quick turnaround. Once again, Cherry Chevapravatdumrong and myself fritter away the best years of our lives on the week's TV shows. (I don't mean it like it's a bad thing...) As ever, TV Club is simulcast--simulblogged?-- at Cherry's site which has a nicer layout but no pictures which, this week, is a big minus. Or plus.

Project Runway
CC: So we're almost to the finale, and...zzzzzz oh my god, I'm so sorry to have fallen asleep when this is the most BORING SEASON OF THIS SHOW BY FAR. Christ. Do something. Do anything. If I had known earlier that getting a weird weak smile from Gordana when I saw her at the Emmys was going to be the most exciting moment of the whole season, I would've made more of it (like gone up to her instead of just staring) (just kidding, I never go up to celebrities, I'm far too shy...I was once at a bar with Alan Tudyk during the heyday of Firefly and I just stood there, right next to him, and said nothing like a dumbass). Tim Gunn still RULES, of course. LOVE YOU TIM!

JB: Carol Hannah:


Mad Men
CC: That was awesome.

JB: Wow. Don Draper a single man at the cusp of the sexual revolution. Betty stumbling blindly into the arms of another father figure she doesn't know, oblivious to the seething volcano of resentment and future dysfunction building up inside her daughter. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Roger and Joan working together again. Pete and Peggy sharing desks. Season 4, you have my account.

Saturday Night Live
JB: Least fast-forwardable show of the season courtesy of the delightful Taylor Swift. Funny how pop stars consistently turn out to be upper-echelon hosts: Timberlake, Britney, Christina Aguilera and now T-Swift. She's a multi-talent, a shining example to today's wayward youth and a good sport. (Please, Cherry, don't write a Family Guy episode poking cruel fun at an overachieving, somewhat self-satisfied, thin-voiced quasi-country singing beanpole called something like Whaler Spit. I forbid it. She's been through enough. Don't do it.)

CC: Okay, it is ridiculous how much the media is creaming themselves over her when she was, like, competent at best. She was no JT. She wasn't even ScarJo in "Fly High Duluth." I won't say that she can't sing because that is obvious. I won't say that she was completely unnecessary in that prison sketch that everybody just watches to see how soon Kenan will cause Hader to crack, because that is obvious. I will say that she is a weird giantess whose sheer height fucked up that roommate sketch because the sight of her wrapping her spindly arms around the much-smaller Nasim Pedrad made it so they didn't look like roommates, but more like a praying mantis trapping and eating an ant. You're two feet taller than Kanye, Taylor, next time just take him down right in the moment and we can all move on much faster.

JB: Sorry, couldn't read that last bit. Something in my eye. I think it's cream.

The Wanda Sykes Show
JB: Fox is notoriously the home of the two worst late night talk show hosts in the history of history, Chevy Chase and Magic Johnson but now they've hired Wanda Sykes who is unfailingly funny and smart and... THE STREAK CONTINUES!!! Endless, wooden monologue, nowhere near as memorable as Taylor's `La la la ha ha ha' (Don't mock her! I'm adamant!), a slow-motion joke-free Weekend Update xerox and then a 30 minute current affairs discussion with a liquored-up panel that included Phil Keoghan (sp) and Mary-Lynn Rajskub (sp) who interacted like they were sitting in the dentist's waiting room. Other than that, I LOVED IT!

The X-Factor
JB: The whole of the UK is up in arms about last week's show and by the whole of the UK, I mean the segment gorging itself senseless on an endless diet of celebrity trivia and brain-numbing trash, so...THE WHOLE OF THE UK IS UP IN ARMS OVER LAST WEEK'S SHOW! Here's why:

At the results show sing-off Simon Cowell had the power to vote these cheeky little leprechauns off the series. Instead, he caused their nearest competitor, a sweet but drippy Welsh girl to get the boot thus reducing her to floods of tears. The national outrage has been so demented that Cowell has been forced to schedule a presidential address on next week's show defending his reasons for keeping the evil twins around. And yet, last week had an even more surreal moment. An argument that I don't have the energy to explain-- it would make life so much easier if you would start Bit Torrenting the X (or do you have ethical objections?)--put Cowell in the position of having to defend Harmony Korine's movie Gummo.

CC: Jonathan, you have officially broken me. I kind of loved this. From the ridiculous headbopping at the beginning to the cheerful "Scary!" in the middle to the half-assed Thriller dance towards the end. I surrender. It's over. I'm in. I die. (TM Rachel Zoe)

Cats 101
CC: This show exists. It's on Animal Planet and basically it's just people talking about various different breeds of cats WHILE THEY SHOW CATS AND KITTENS OF THOSE BREEDS ROMPING AROUND. There is another show called Dogs 101. Same idea. If you like cute animals, you will go fucking nuts watching these shows. You're welcome.

Dancing with the Stars
CC: The only part of this show I watch is the actual dancing. And only if the couple contains a former contestant from SYTYCD. And only if it's a dance I like. I don't really watch this show.

CC: Aw. My fave couple Legacy/Kathryn not that interesting this week. In fact, nobody that interesting this week. Hey, you know what was ESPECIALLY not interesting? Those clips where they tell us something America doesn't know about them and expect us to think it's some sort of big surprise. Wow, the really buff guy likes sports? REALLY? I NEVER WOULD'VE GUESSED. Actually you're right, I never would've guessed, because that guy is gay, even if he doesn't know it yet.

JB: I missed the majority of this show because time stood still once Peter the soon-to-be-ex Last Tapper Standing revealed he coached a special needs dance troupe. I now have a new favorite dance competition that takes place in my head and I think you know what it is and i think you know who's in it. Let's just say the Hot Tamale Train has ramps...

Top Chef
CC: Wow. I never thought they would have anyone on the show as remotely annoying as Mr. Champion of the Belabored Metaphor himself, Toby Young. Congratulations, Nigella! What the FUCK with comparing flan to a 17th century courtesan thigh? Come on. This is food we're talking about. Don't force me to picture a jiggly white slab leading to an old-timey syphilis vag.

JB: Syphilis Vag was the name of my prize-winning show, wait, Syphilis Vag was the most loyal pet a man ever still recall the summer vacations I spent in Syphilis Vag... feel free to chime in on this hilarious Syphilis Vag joke-off. Hello?

Top Model
JB: The Top 2wo are a trifecta of firsts: first two tiny little people, first two redheads (or gengies as we call them back in my home town of Glasgow, Scotland), first two underdogs. I'm okay with whoever wins. What I'm not okay with: Ann Shoket's face.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Friday, November 6, 2009

TV Club Returns!!

You might have assumed I'd have given this up by now. But unlike Coach Eric Taylor, I'm no quitter. If you don't take into consideration all the times I've quit. But once again, my YA colleague Cherry Chevapravatdumrong-- whose Family Guy episode airs this Sunday-- and myself watch TV:

So You Think You Can Dance

JB: Ryan and Ellenore, Legacy and Kathryn, Latin chick so hot she makes Shankman re-assess his sexual orientation: I got love for all y'all but you better move out the way or you're gonna get squashed under the tween-fuelled Mollee and Nathan juggernaut. I also hail the return of the deep-thinking artist that is Wade Robson. By an amazing coincidence there used to be another choreographer named Wade Robson; he even had own MTV show, `The Wade Robson Project', but that guy was NOTHING like the one we now know. The goofy thing about Wade's Van Gogh dance is, if he'd told the couple they'd be playing Space Invaders or kernels of popcorn the routine would have been exactly the same. Brilliant reverse psychology from Lythgoe. After last season's Katie Holmes' fiasco, he's making it seem like procuring the services of Paula Abdul is almost impossible. Dude, we could probably get Paula Abdul to guest-blog here with the promise of a tap shoe filled with Klonopin.
CC: Legacy/Kathryn is totally my stealth power couple. I was all set to hate Legacy. Like, I'm totally obsessed with Russell, who needs to be unshackled from Squeaky Voice McGee, stat, and I was ambitiously trying to leap ahead of the masses and get in on the ground floor with Victor Smalley, who I swear is this year's answer to Danny from season 3, but then here come Legacy and Kathryn, killing it last week and again this week. By the way, will someone please explain Nathan's surprise stomach fat? He's such a pretty boy that I totally thought he would have a sixpack and instead he's veering much closer to Kasprzak territory.

Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew

JB: You know the biggest enemy of the semen-stained wretches checking in at the camera-shy doc's Pasadena hellhole? It's not the internet. It's not their neglectful parents. It's HD! I have never seen such a brutal parade of adult acne. There isn't an inmate whose skin doesn't look like the surface of Mars. Except for lovely swimsuit model, Amber Smith, veteran of Celebrity Rehab and Sober House. She's rotting on the inside.


JB: Meh, except for Morena Baccarin. And speaking of freakish, lizard-skinned alien women:

Tabatha's Salon Takeover:

JB: The Real Housewives, Rachel Zoe, Jackie Warner, Kathy Griffin and now this addition to Bravo's gallery of grotesques. John Waters can die happy knowing someone's carrying on the proud tradition he started in the 70s. Seriously, once Tabatha's done reducing stylists to tears and IBS, she needs to start hunting down inept Australian plastic surgeons, starting with the one who did THAT to her face.

Mad Men

JB: Remember that show American Dreams? Set in the 60s? Suburban American family learning valuable lessons as significant historical events unfold around them. Lots of montages set to `The Times They Are A-Changing'. Desperately sappy. The JFK episode was the first, and hopefully last, time Mad Men made me think of that series. In more exciting news, one of the unemployed actors from my gym finally got a job! He played the bandleader at Roger Sterling's bridezilla daughter's wedding.
CC: Oh no, JFK died. Blah blah blah blah blah MORE JOAN AND ROGER PLZKTHX. I didn't even get into this show until this year and I basically want to put John Slattery in a box and just watch him do mundane stuff, like order food off menus. AWESOME TRIVIA: he and January Jones were both in Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights, which I know because I may or may not have seen it in the theater opening weekend, by which I mean I totally saw it in the theater opening weekend.
JB: EVEN MORE AWESOME TRIVIA. I wrote the first draft of Havana Nights when it was supposed to star Ricky Martin and Natalie Portman. The script was, obviously, spectacular but there were creative differences with the studio who failed to get behind my artistic vision of filling every page with gay jokes about the leading man.

X Factor

JB: In Britain, this show gets an audience of upward of 15 million. At 8pm on a Saturday night. (The UK version of Dancing With The Stars is opposite. It comes close to 11 million. That's actually more people than there are in the entire country since swine flu). Let's watch the most popular act:

And next week, they do the Ghostbusters theme!

CC: Why have I not learned my lesson yet about clicking on these links you keep sending me with these two douches? My eyes, they must be gouged out. Now. *runs off to gouge*

Top Model
CC: On the one hand, I enjoy when they get a legit model to come in and give legit advice. On the other hand, it was Marisa Miller, who is hot or whatever, but also incredibly boring and has a bizarre boob-to-arm-fat ratio happening. Like, there should really be more arm fat on a person with that much boob. The whole effect is just disconcerting. You agree, don't you, all the boys who keep buying her SI swimsuit issues? No? Just me? Backwoods Bundchen (TM JB) FTW still!
JB: This boob/arm paradox intrigues me [rewatches in slo-mo,forwards frame-by-frame,fast-forwards to the bit where the mod-ettes jump in the water and then roll around in the sand,rewinds] Can't be certain. More research required.

Friday Night Lights
CC: I can't even fucking deal with how much I love this show. I seriously practically cried when Landry said the first "can't lose" during the season premiere. Everyone who does not love this show deserves to be shot in the face.
JB: I heart it too, fellow DirecTV customer. The East Dillon storyline is awesome and makes Saint Tami into a bit of a turd. Really wish they'd have found a way to give Saracen a happy ending and write him out. Having him hanging around makes my heart hurt. L'chaim to Riggins and Landry on the event of their upcoming disastrous relationships.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Introducing...Broadway Club!!!

I lived in New York for most of the 90s and in all that time I barely ever ventured anywhere near a theater. Which was ironic because I was sharing an apartment with Tommy Tune and Patti Lupone. They used to get on me all the time about experiencing the joys of live theater. Sometimes they'd leave tickets to their newest shows sticking out of the laundry basket. Sometimes they'd post their reviews up on the fridge door. I consistently failed to take the hint. Frustrated, they'd yell at me: "You're missing so much. It's joyous. It's exhilarating! Look at all the nights you waste going to see second-rate Britpop bands and identikit New York rappers. You never enjoy yourself. Why not treat yourself to something different, something amazing?" They definitely had me on the Britpop accusation--did I really go to see Gene, Sleeper AND Echobelly in one lifetime?-- but I had a ready response. "Just the way you're getting all gushy and emotional and over-the-top is the exact reason I will never go to the theater. It's embarrassing. It's obscenely expensive ( I was on the guest list for all those terrible Britpop shows).It makes me uncomfortable. It's not for me."

But now I feel differently. Now, when I leave LA and head back to New York for recreational visits, I try to take in a few Broadway shows. Maybe I've mellowed. Maybe I'm more open-minded. Maybe I like the fact that cheap tickets are so readily available. Whatever the reason, here are my bite-size reviews of the shows I saw when I was in New York last week:

"After Miss Julie"
Patrick Marber, author of `Closer' and co-creator of Alan Partridge updates a Strindberg classic setting it in 1945 Britain. Starring Sienna Miller as the borderline insane posh girl toying with the affections of chauffeur Jonny Lee Miller. I would have liked this if it had been any good. Sienna Miller can be a decent actress but her entire performance was AHAHAHAHAWAABOOHOOO.

"Citizens Band"
I was dragged along to this. It's a monthly cabaret performed at a downtown theater by a bunch of of actors, musicians, models and celebrity relatives. This one featured the likes of Rain Phoenix, Zoe Kravitz, Jack White's wife Karen Elson and Nina Persson from The Cardigans singing songs from the Great Depression. Zoe Kravitz was probably the best of the rich, privileged cast singing about standing in breadlines and dying of consumption.

"Wishful Drinking"
Carrie Fisher's one-woman show about her dysfunctional life starts off like every nightmare I ever had about live theater. She comes down into the audience! She throws glitter over people! She asks them their names! Even though I was safely ensconced back in row K and she was humiliating the ticket holders in the first row, I could still hear my heart thump in my chest such was my fear that I might be singled out and made to participate. That fear aside, this was a funny, enjoyable show. Fisher has amassed enough calamity-- I woke up next to a dead gay Republican cocaine addict! I turned my husband gay! You can buy a life-size Princess Leia sex doll!-- to more than fill a couple of hours apportioning blame to family members, ex-husbands and George Lucas.

"God Of Carnage"
I had a couple of hours to kill before the curtain went up-- see, I'm fluent in Broadway talk!-- so I went to see `Paranormal Activity' in an all-but-empty cinema. After I emerged--brief review: it FUCKED MY SHIT UP!-- I headed towards the theater only to find my pockets were empty. The tickets were gone! Retracing my steps, I went back to the cinema, looked under the seats and found... the receipt for the theatre tickets but NOT the actual tickets! Paranormal activity, indeed!
This was three-quarters of an exciting play. The seats I got were up in a box that cut off most of the far right side of the stage. It would have been nice if the director had arranged for my benefit that James Gandolfini, Hope Davis, Marcia Gay Hardin and Jeff Daniels restricted their movements to the left and centre of the stage. But it was not to be. From what I saw, `God Of Carnage' was an exercise in unrelieved misanthropy that reveled in the brutality that occurs when the thin veneer of civilization is ripped away and supposedly respectable people start acting like savage beasts. Plus, Hope Davis projectile vomits across the stage.